My mother is the engulfing type of narcisstic mother - NM for short. The uneasy feeling began when I reached by teens and when I started to think for myself. Since she had and still has nothing in her life but her children (I have a younger brother) she would try to thwart any attempt at independence. It was so discouraging knowing that it was not wrong to want to grow-up (I saw the normal life of my friends) and NM going crazy and playing the martyr when we tried. “She loved us so much, how could we be so cruel to her.” You all know that line. It was nothing short of sheer will and bearing her anger as I clawed my way to adulthood. We fought tooth and nail almost daily. Of course nothing I did was right, since I was fighting off her control. She would constantly compare me to others who she deemed were “good” daughters. I also fought with her regarding my brother who is 10 years younger (we alternate between Golden Child or not depending on her mood) and I my practically raising him. But of course, by doing this she kept me home and under her thumb. I had no carefree teenage years, it was always responsibility and work and never a thank you. As I grew older, my father just emotionally withdrew from the family. I’m sure he had enough, but it makes me angry that he placed the burden of NM’s emotional health on two kids, but we were expected to be sure Mommy was happy! The typical NM’s need for constant adoration and praise. She was so very clever with her manipulation, so I always heard what a WONDERFUL mother I had. But it always all about her. The PTA events and things she did were not for us, but to make her look good!! She would outright lie and scheme to get her way and now just gaslights when I bring things up. Trust is a huge issue for me because I could never, ever tell her anything. She would either use it against me or embarrass me by bringing it up in an inappropriate way. To this day, I keep a lot of things hidden. But as always no matter what I did, even when I pleased her, it was never enough. According to her, I could have done even more.
Mother has a complete lack of empathy which I find extremely distressing. She can play the martry like no one I've ever seen. If you are not completely at her beck and call, we are neglectful and cruel. However, any time I've ever needed her, I was being dramatic. Including the time I had a miscarriage and a 3 year old at home. Had it not been for my MIL, I would have been entirely on my own. But NM would think nothing of demanding that drop everything and take care of her when she had a common cold.
My salvation came when I was 19 and met DH. It was with his family and my dear MIL (who yes, NM completely HATED!) I learned what a true family was. I tried to make things work with NM, trying to do whatever to make her happy, until that is I had my own children. Then everything changed when I realized what she did to me and my brother. Everything she had done, I could not imagine doing to my own babies. It was then I began to hate her. Her lack of empathy, her total devotion to herself, the guilt she would lay on us for normal desires. I struggle to be the complete opposite of her, since that is the way to be. I am on LC with her and keep her at arm’s length. Since she is incapable to knowing boundaries, I now am setting them. Never again will I feel once iota of shame or guilt because I am/was not “good enough”. I was and still am more than good enough, she’s the damaged goods.
Thanks for listening.
