Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Voicelessness and Emotional Survival => Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board => Topic started by: lighter on July 20, 2018, 08:51:59 PM
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As I go through my days, I recognize things my children were practicing in what was, then, 2nd and 4th grade at what was viewed as a "hippie school" when we moved to this State.
Children were taught to regularly check in with others, and themselves. They carried reflections notebooks, and time for reflections was part of their daily schedule.
Mornings began with meditation and/or yoga, and I didn't understand it at the time. I thought of it as something NOT so important... not as important as math, or science. If we were sliding down a mountain in 4 inches of snow I'd think...
Oh, if we're late to school this morning, they're only missing meditation, which the school stressed was of huge importance. Silly me.
So, I'm noticing how I'm feeling around communication with my girls today. Trying to communicate, without conflict, though I still struggle with enforcing consequences. Youngest DD has always wanted me to be a stricter mom. She still does. My aversion to conflict is a thing. Addiction to serenity isn't as bad as drug addiction... sex addiction... gambling, etc. Right?
Worse things than being addicted to caring more about other people's feelings, but hey.... a problem is a problem. Say what I like, it's a concern. I'm working on it. It makes me fee queasy. It makes me feel out of sorts. It makes me feel I'm letting both my girls down, in different ways, but for the same reason.
Anyway, I'm grateful both girls were exposed to mindfulness in grade school. We happened on that school by chance, and those were golden days... I loved that school. I felt safe... as safe as I could have. Buffered by the community. Golden days.
::nodding... and channeling massive gratitude::.
We should teach mindfulness in Kindergarten, IMO.
Everyone should be exposed.
Lighter
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Waldorf?
:)
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Hey Lighter... got a question (one that might require some thought before you know the answer).
Do you avoid conflict because you feel you don't deserve to stand up for yourself, and your needs?
Or is it, that you are protecting others (the girls) from that? IE, not wanting to upset them?
Or is it, that feels so "out of control" when there is conflict (which imo, is a natural thing that happens between people sometimes) that it FEELS like the end of the world?
That's maybe an odd digression from the topic of mindfulness... which I know a bit about from practice... but it's possible that mindfulness can encompass those possible feelings and allow them to "be" while you're very present and intentionally "choosing" your words and actions to seek the best results possible from even conflict.
I think you know how that works. I'm just dropping by with my first "seeing" of what you wrote. (And moving on... because today is Holly's last load to move out here. Fully aware this might just be a non sequitor... so feel free to ignore it.)
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Hops: Not Waldorf. This was a single school, and in second grade youngest dd went on 2 virtual trips... Japan, Italy. It was a mixed 2/3 classroom, and the kids wrote up packing lists, made puppets, or wrote plays they performed, then planned and shopped for authentic meals they prepared, and served after singing songs they learned in the language that Country's language. The teacher printed up fake airline tickets, and they boarded an imaginary plane. They worked all lessons around these larger projects so things flowed for the kiddos.
We had a world class musician teaching music, with a room full of instruments. Oldest dd was his right hand man on the keyboard. YOungest dd tried on 3 instruments, and started a band with her friends. She entered every talent contest, which was the first time she ever tried. She blossomed at that school. It was a blessing for her, and oldest dd, even if she flailed a bit with fewer rules, and a less stringent routine. She loved the right wing, uniform wearing schools she'd attended in Atlanta. They didn't have to wear shoes at the new school. Oldest DD learned how to appreciate less structure, and she had one amazing teacher she clicked with. She looks back, and wishes she appreciated him more. Really good years.
Hey Lighter... got a question (one that might require some thought before you know the answer).
Do you avoid conflict because you feel you don't deserve to stand up for yourself, and your needs? Part of not asserting myself is not having anyone model it for me, or allow me to have my feelings count, IMO. I used to feel quite intimidated by people with sturdy boundaries, and the moxy to state and enforce them.... neighbors I liked, for instance. I think I felt they could SEE I couldn't do it too. I didn't understand it enough to feel shame, but I think that's what it was. Whatever it was they were doing... I didn't know what it was, but I wished I did.
I felt I should know.
Or is it, that you are protecting others (the girls) from that? IE, not wanting to upset them? That was a huge reason in my second marriage, to the girls' father, though I had no trouble piping up to protect them physically, which happened. Or when he didn't speak to them after work, but went to bed expecting me to go. I expected him to engage our children, and I slept on the sofa over that one the Easter before everything blew up.
Or is it, that feels so "out of control" when there is conflict (which imo, is a natural thing that happens between people sometimes) that it FEELS like the end of the world? I think that's true, in part, more or less depending on the situation. My family is no stranger to conflict, or destroying everyone's peace to get their way. Not all members, but.... maybe all. More or less. Same in my marriages. Husbands ruining holidays over one thing or another.... a 5 dollar purchase I made with money I earned. That sort of thing. Second h picking a fight bc he wanted time in his alter life..... usually he'd pick money too, but add he'd replace me with a Russian ex con.... lovely at the holidays with little children, I can tell you. I deserve better. I deserve to be free of terrorism.
That's maybe an odd digression from the topic of mindfulness... which I know a bit about from practice... but it's possible that mindfulness can encompass those possible feelings and allow them to "be" while you're very present and intentionally "choosing" your words and actions to seek the best results possible from even conflict.
I think you know how that works. I'm just dropping by with my first "seeing" of what you wrote. (And moving on... because today is Holly's last load to move out here. Fully aware this might just be a non sequitor... so feel free to ignore it.)
I'm fully engaging mindfulness around this topic right now. I overcame my anxiety, and engaged oldest dd.... took her phone, and the world didn't end. On the contrary. I kept my sense of humor, she found her phone, then engaged me happily, and helped in the ways I'd asked her to. No complaints. I
I know it's more loving to enforce consequences. I know it's loving to do it without getting emotional... so it's about her behavior, not about me or us.
Still pondering on it, and strategizing.
I'm glad to hear is about done with the move.
Lighter
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I can't believe I've packed 4 40lb bags, and still have tools to purchase, ironing board, iron, hair dryer, my clothes, and various miscellaneous things to pack.
I'm overwhelmed, but that's always the case. I've pulled back expectations for the exterior of the cottage.... I don't have to close up the boarded up windows if I don't have time. I can just paint everything fresh, the boards are already white, and not bad looking, the fresh pink will be nice.
I need to tear out the old bathroom ceiling... it's being held up with duct tape, and screws through the tape right now. Bunk beds need building. I don't see how I can finish that room without closing up 2 windows, or at least one, while replacing one. The plan was to close up two, then add one where the door used to be. I just can't gage how much time it will take, and what skill level we'll have between us. My BIL, who builds bridges, highways, and buildings, won't be there till after I've gone, sadly. Will try to extend the trip, but it's not for sure I can. Will see, and that's the way these trips always go. So many balls in the air, some aimed at my head, but hell or high water, I'll have the place looking nice, and livable. Priorities will present themselves, and I'll problem solve on the fly with good and bad surprises. As long as I don't give up, I'll be OK, and if it's not OK, it's still OK.
The Guest Cottage needs a double sliding glass door replaced, and I think 2 windows. Not a lot, considering there were so many on the main cottage. That means only 4 max hurricane shutters to go up, and the renter can install those himself, if necessary. Heck, we can put them up together, and he can go back and put the rest of the screws in after I've gone.
I'm blathering on here... please excuse. The boarded up windows can perhaps get pretty boards on the interior, over the glass, for now. The exterior of those windows has thick ply wood, painted white and caulked in by engineer BIL and my sister. It'll take lots of time and effort just to get the plywood OUT, much less remove the windows, frame in the openings, put in lathe, coat with cement, match exterior and paint. I can handle this the right way, or make do, depending on lots of factors. I'll either be rockin good at it, or I won't. Will see. Renter did all this with contractor. Between us we seem to always have all the brain we need to get things done, up to this point. Hopefully that trend continues, esp with the unknown skill set the sea wall engineer brings. Lots of unknowns.
Must make sure to pack what I need for back troubles, should they crop up. I've figured out how to keep going if I take certain care at night.
Any ideas about marketing a beach cottage would be appreciated. What do you look for? What do you think is important?
I'm keeping the 1950's charm... Ernest Hemingway would have loved the cottage, and likely spent a lot of time in places just like this.... for better and worse in some areas. No dishwasher, for instance.
Bathroom has been kept original.... charming tile, and trim. I didn't want to heat up the house with an oven, so didn't include one. Cooking done with electric skillets, good hot plates, toaster oven, microwave, electric kettle, and grill, for better or worse. I think for the better, but that's not necessarily how renters will see it. I will tell you this.... it's not easy to cool down the cottage in the middle of the day.
We put a bathroom door in, essential, IMO. No other interior doors, as air flows from room to room, with space above and below one bedroom wall, and curtains instead of doors. Ack. I need to think about drapery hardware too, and installing it in cement.
The sun is going to bleach the front curtains in a heartbeat. Must bring more curtains, but I can't imagine how I'll get them there this trip. I have 2 sets of sheets for 8 beds, and.....
10 years of dust, and bug crap and bug poison to clean in some areas of kitchen. Can't wait to paint things clean again. Will paint interior of the guest cottage the light blue, same as the K and Q bedrooms in main cottage. I thought I'd use it in the main living room as well, but it's not as good as keepin it neutral, IMO. Will see how much paint I have left. Same with the outside. I thought 15 gallons of the pink would be more than enough, but that's not for sure at this point. It takes so much time, effort and money to bring things. Will likely have to pressure wash the exteriors again, bc it rained after we did it last trip, and didn't get decent painting window in the weather.
I want to do some repairs on metal roof rust. Metal roofing at the beach is a terrible idea, and more expensive. We didn't do enough homework when we made that decision. Drat.
Onward.
Lighter
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I have key sets ready to go, things half packed, half strewn about waiting to be packed, paperwork to finish, and perhaps one run to Home Depot on the to do list. A visit to the neighbor's, and phone call I must make to Florida.... can't put that off any longer, though I'll continue procrastinating. :shock:
Got my car tag yesterday in record time. That went swell, and the engineer is at the house studying YouTube vids on replacing and closing up windows similar to ours. 6 hours in the car from 5am this morning, with youngest dd driving the first leg at a very cautious pace. It added an hour to the trip, then we stopped, then we hung out at the farm for a half hour....that put us behind 2 hours, but we're still moving in right direction.
Blessedly, I have residual joy from reading your last post, Tupp. Brought me to tears, my dear. So happy for you. It's spilling over, and restoring my belief in humanity, and hope : )
Lighter
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Hope the journey continues well, Light!
How long do you plan to stay at your island cottage?
hugs
Hops
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Three weeks, Hops. I'm in shock just now, adjusting to first morning back. Everything bagged up, and one AC unit down. I don't have all my numbers.....phone smashed last trip equals everything taking more time. Lots of overwhelming projects begging for attention. ADD symptoms having their way with me.
There's so much dust, and we're washing walls and shelves so we can put kitchen in order. That should help a lot.
I should write out master list of things I forget every trip.
The journey continues.
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My phone is glitching, won't hold a charge, text or make calls, but can get on internet a bit.
Got to island. Long long aThursday, so tired that night and next day. Moving along, painting inside. Hot water heater didn't work, then began working tonight on. Now kitchen light and fan won't work. I've felt so at the mercy of..... overwhelmed.....but hanging in there.
Gratitude for gp. For all the good things, of which there are many.
So tired. Must sleep. Have cargo arriving a Minay, and window start coming g out same day.
Tired thinking about it.
Nite.
Lighter
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Lighter, I've only been two days without posting and look how much you've done! Wow. I am blown away, as always, by such industriousness and busyness. Is this the same house that you were working on before? That succession of things not working is tough, especially when tired and all you want is a hot shower and some food. I hope the glitches are under control and things are starting to progress. For what it's worth I agree that an oven isn't necessary in a home people don't actually live in - I think most of us enjoy the break from cooking when away from home, although the other bits and pieces are useful for simple meals and warming through various bits and pieces. I hope you got some sleep and I'm glad the happiness from my end is seeping through to you - there's enough to go round! I hope things start happening smoothly now xx
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Yes, Tupp. This is cottage at beach. I figured out wiring problem in kitchen light fan happened when trying g to glue blades a bit.... they're coming apart from humidity or hurricanes....nit sure what happens in here in a gale.
We've addressed two of the scariest areas...caulked, primed and painted pantry, and closet ceiling. They really we're scary.
I have to get residual cargo tomorrow, and will admit I panicked under pressure Thursday. The gal at airline said aI had room for plenty more stuff, ordered me a cab to Publix and told me to buy beer. Now, that looks idd to read, she's super nice, and had my best interest at heart.
I get back with $300.00 worth if beer, and the cargo guy, J, introduces himself,vabd tells me I'll get hit with regular duty on alcohol thus time, bc I won't be traveling with it. That was a kick in the gut, on top of carrying all that beer to the cottage.
At least helpers won't have to buy beer, and gf folks can partake.
Tomorrow should be a circus. I have workers showing up, when I'll be on other island. They have stuff to do, but.. what can go wrong, right?
Must make sure they don't tear out all windows and doors at once. Every day it storms here. Woke up yesterday to huge lightening storm....lights went, rain pou ded beach for an he ur then sunny again.
I had a dresser sitting in the sun....it smells of mildew. Started raining, so hit it with bleach solution wipe down and dragged back inside.
Dry outside again. Bugs biting, as they were when we fished off beach for dinner yesterday afternoon. I fell on slippery rocks 3 times, btw. I'm fairly indestructible, turns out AND we caught dinner in the rain as all the boats rushed by into port. Cleaning fish with utility knife isn't
optimal. Filet knives come tomorrow.
Need to put up new ceiling in bathroom and kitchen. Considering thin plywood over crumblung ceiling, to save time and mess.
Hmm.
I have candy coming on plane tomorrow. YES.
I need an electrician.
Tomorrow will interesting day, but for now will be happy as a bird with a French fry for ever blessing.
Hope you're settling in nicely, ((Tupp)).
Lighter
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Bug man in attic space now spraying ants and termites. A new termite tunnel started down from kitchen crown molding the day after we got here. Very worrisome. The sofa frame is honestly eaten away by 1/3.
I have number for electrician, and what turned out to be a carpenter coming today. And a small appliance repair s guy. Must figure out smartest way to utilize them.
Covered electrical switches and outlets yesterday....at least the ones youngest DD touches daily. Planning to change out large sliding glass door today, esp if carpenter knows how.
Ceiling in bathroom has some wood cut....just going over old wood, bc it helps insulate. Everything is a compromise here: /
Pil sung.
Lighter
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Wow. Just reading about all this makes me very happy I do not own a cottage in the Caribbean.
I hope all is soon sorted, it's sparklingly on the market and soon snapped up at a satisfying price!
Renting when in need of ocean makes such sense.
xxoo
Hops
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Thanks, Hops.
Everything sparkly is never going to happen. I realized that today. It's just truth, and a short chat with another homeowner from the States made that clear. I'm pushing 3 boulders uphill.
I have to decide how to feel about that, but for now I count blessings.
All my digits are healed. No pain when wet hands.
I'm clean.
I can hook appliances to extension cords, and keep things going.
There's fresh octopus and fish pasta in the fridge, with sweet chili chicken leftovers. I know peeps will have food while I go North today. Yesterday I fished for hours, catching many fish, but keeping only 2 on frozen conch slop. I used some of the fish for bait, and caught the octopus....tastes wonderful. Not hard to clean at all. Want more please.
I ordered fresh bread ahead this morning from the best Baker on the island. My cabdriver will have it for me. Hoping for plain, coconut and cinnamon, but will take what I can get. Feeding troops with Sunbeam is only other option.
It's glorious today, and renter is going 20 miles to dive for lobster in a 19 foot boat. Should be stocked up this evening. Lobster season open! Renter's cousin on Nassau is doing well after terrible accident ...recognizes people, responds to questions. They waited 2 days for a neurosurgeon to arrive...skull fracture very scary. All going better than expected.
I'm strong and capable, even when heat, and pain makes me feel slow and defeated. Will pass, will regroup, and make another plan. Can't fail as long as I keep moving and trying.
Sister has a 4 man blow up boat with small engine coming.
DD and I sang Gilligan's island theme song, then we spontaneously launched into miming foreseeable troubles with that....
me, trying to start stopped engine.
DD furiously blowing up sinking boat. Much laughter, but...
Carpenter said he'd help me build bunk beds before I leave. I think he decided I'm not an entitled ass trying to exploit him. He was undecided while replacing bathroom ceiling, and installing exhaust fan. Glad to have his help.
A tentative plan for replacing windows is in tentative place, and the sparks from the drill are normal! The shed is cleaned out. I found art steied in rafters by original homeowner. A few very cool peices, along with some "interesting" ones.
Going out into heat on in his beautiful day.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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Light, the fishing adventures make you sound like a female Robinson Crusoe :) The food and beach part sounds idyllic, the hard work sounds like hard work! And the planning and organising - sheesh! I can only guess at what you've had to sort out. The hidden art work sounds like a nice find, though, I do love coming across treasure when we move. There is a nice tub chair in the shed - needs reupholstering but is a lovely shape. We've no space for it but just showed it to a friend who is going to take it and upcycle it. Nice to be able to give her something to work on, she likes to have a project :)
I hope the practical side of things gets sorted out as best it can. Will you have more visits after this one? Is this a property that you bought to do up or a place you used to use for yourself but no longer want? I hope the renter's cousin continues to recover, that sounds like a nasty accident. Things can change so quickly in a matter of seconds. I hope the recovery keeps on and I hope things start to slide along a little more easily for you, too. The carpenter sounds like a good egg? xx
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Glad to hear things are going MUCH better this trip Lighter - and that you're getting to "live the life" while you're there, too.
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What THEY said!
Hugs
Hops
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Tupp:
I wrote a response to your questions,then lost it. I'm up to my elbows in alligators, but will respond soon.
Light😎
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Made some corrections in this post....no dicks or pushing. Dock and hushing, rather.
Product corrected to Bora-Care. I hate typing on a phone. Big winds last night. Lightening this morning.
Frustrations coming back to me....remembering trip after trip to Hardware store, and things out of stock. Big Al gave me a ride from hardware store to dock yesterday on forklift. Should have figured that out before accepting, bc bumping along on tire with big hump, on my side, at walking pace was almost as hard as walking, or so it seemed as me, my spine, joints, lungs, and boobs bounced along. At one point we hit a big bump, and I was thrown off, landing on my feet like a cat, and saving bottle if water that had my hands busy, instead of hanging on. I m lucky no vehicles were passing. So many ways to get injured here. Missing skin on palm and foot after getting bounced off rocks on heavy current yesterday evening. I heal fast here.
Poppy a no show today, but Douglas on the job. I spent an hour making decisions about plumbing, and tearing down structures instead of repairing and re roofing.
Final analysis....wood one went. Concrete block filled one stays. My God. I thought they were hollow blocks.
:: Shaking head::.
I'm struggling, and readying to go back to hardware store. I have boat captain Barry set to haul more concrete and lumber that came in on freighter yesterday. Must add plumbing items, and hurricane clips for guest house.
I ordered 6 gallons of product called Bora-Care with Mold- Care. If used on untreated wood it penetrates 4" in to protect from termites, wood boring bugs and mold. Answer to my prayers if I can apply correctly and works the way they say it does. Bad thing is, I will be gone the day before it arrives. Someone else will have to apply. But, I hope it works!
Every job has to be be thought out, or another $40.00 to 80.00 to haul another load back to our side with 3 vehicles arranged and two ferry rides. Yesterday I took two bags if groceries that weren't mine off ferry, and ferry Captain knew exactly what door to knock on to get them back. Confusion comes when every man on ferry and dock helps without hesitating. People just grab and go to be helpful. Very stressful for me, esp since I'm made to feel wrong fir lifting heavy things, and then there are mix ups it like that one time, my stuff got run over by the bus, bc driver distracted. So much going on at ferry. The introvert in my head rocks, and moans herself through it.
Good note to end in... Big Al at hardware store is overtly competent, and on the job. Very helpful to me. Cantancerous owner typically treats me very well, except when he*** hushed***me while calling me baby😮. Not meant to be mean, and he's ill, but didn't sit well with me. I forget things when he stops my roll. He's very slow.
So, I'm ok today, and things still moving forward. Dead bird on patio taken to property line where a big heron or some huge gray bird scared me and I him. I took it as a sign, and walked where he'd been. There was a beautiful conch shell, sans " food hole", as DD calls hole natives knock in to break suction and clean.
We have 2 dozen conch for $35.00 to clean, cook or freeze today....must remember.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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Lighter it sounds like a whirlwind of activity and things to organise. Can you see the bigger picture with it all at the moment or is there so much to juggle that it all keeps swirling round? I hope things get settled soon. Is this your last time there or will there be more trips after this one? xx
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There will be more trips, Tupp. DD says keep fir two years, then sell. We may have to keep longer, but so many things for sale on this side. The government doesn't make it easy to maintain things here. Everything expensive and difficult.
I see bigger picture, but sometimes being damply hot all day, and at the mercy of people with vehicles makes for a very long day. Boat captain Barry didn't have time to pick up my 4x6 lumber yesterday. Said he'll send it over on the ferry and call me. No time mentioned.
The ferry Captain didn't want to carry the 10 96lb bags if cement at all, but did, and sometimes details, not larger picture, are all aI can see right now. I woke up thinking about the wet dry vac, and cleaning the bathroom today. Yesterday the carpenter, who seemed to not understand using a miter saw, finished crown molding in there. So loud, so many hours. Beautiful, and I'm ready to put a bow on one darned room in this house.
Lighter
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There will be more trips, Tupp. DD says keep fir two years, then sell. We may have to keep longer, but so many things for sale on this side. The government doesn't make it easy to maintain things here. Everything expensive and difficult.
I see bigger picture, but sometimes being damply hot all day, and at the mercy of people with vehicles makes for a very long day. Boat captain Barry didn't have time to pick up my 4x6 lumber yesterday. Said he'll send it over on the ferry and call me. No time mentioned.
The ferry Captain didn't want to carry the 10 96lb bags if cement at all, but did, and sometimes details, not larger picture, are all aI can see right now. I woke up thinking about the wet dry vac, and cleaning the bathroom today. Yesterday the carpenter, who seemed to not understand using a miter saw, finished crown molding in there. So loud, so many hours. Beautiful, and I'm ready to put a bow on one darned room in this house.
Lighter
I think the details are all you can see at times; I know with our recent move I was waking up with my to do list already running in my head (not to mention waking up at three in the morning with things I had to remember to do or worrying about something silly, like next door's cat getting in the van and coming on the journey with us). I'm glad one room is done and hope more start to come together quickly now (or at least with a minimum of stress). I really enjoy the finishing off stages of a project - making it look good. But the planning and number crunching and organising and chasing people around - bluergh. Thinking of you and hoping things run more smoothly xx
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This morning I was vacuuming sand like crazy, and preparing for workers to show. Neither did :shock:
I texted the one who has a phone, and always answers. He dismissed my call, but texted he couldn't talk....asked what was up.
I think it was a test to see how I postured. Bahamians are admittedly stubborn, they say bc of the "Indian" heritage. My renter said they won't do anything for people who act like"the boss."
My response in text was to enquire about the schedule, and if missing worker returning. 2 minutes later both knocked on door. They were in my drive when I texted, and Douglas is always early, but not today. It was like they were waiting for me to call, test me then decide if they'd work or not.
I was doing worst case scenario in my head when they knocked ...so relieved they're here.
Lighter
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Luckily, DD doesn't get to decide, because she's not an adult.
I think when you mentioned guest house I realized this cottage is more than a cottage.
I'm eager to get rid of it for you! It has sounded like a huge albatross and I hope it'll sell sooner than later.
Hugs
Hops
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Whew.... carpentergit bunk bed built yesterday. Large sliding glass door is in, along with double window, and single door framed in, ready for cement cover over.
Started priming closed up windows on main house in afternoon. One side still needs pink paint, then guest house, shed and little concrete structure sitting over one of the two septic tanks. Yes, more than a cottage, Hops. And cottage had three rooms added, two concrete, and one wood.
The wood chemical didn't get delivered Friday. I almost flipped,then decided I would suffer the same outcome if I chose to go limp, and remain calm. Like John Delaney says...
"This is better."
Workers left a bit early, so they are jerking me around for that one longer day they put in. I expect them to show, put in a single window, change a single exterior door, and cement over 2 windows, and a door. They went out of their way to say they'd be here by 8:30.
I'm ready to finish, and go home. I can tell bc I've cried silently three times yesterday while trekking to or from the ferry.
Finish insulating attic. Huge pita hot work I can't do, bc engineer made wood strips with screws to hold it between rafters. I have hard time weilding electric staple gun up there, while balancing on 2 by 4s on my back with almost zero clearance at some points. This work was easier 25 years ago.
My God, why isn't the house cooling down more efficiently now? I think it's been hotter, but not sure. One local said it's been so hot, he "doesn't want a woman near him," so I'm thinking it's been much hotter.
Will call electrician to change smaller panel, and remember....
Even if it's not OK, it's okay.
Italian neighbor didn't make to the trip this weekend, bc of the winds. He's very hard to get hold of. He flys in the same day my family does, the day after I leave. Sister coming early, tomorrow. Will be awhirl of activity. Grateful, but whoo boy. Her style is get'er done. I'm much more ADD about details, and work more slowly. It drives her nuts. We laugh about it usually. Have to vacuum up tile shards in two rooms....DD stepped on sharp shard yesterday, and locals say tile cuts never heal.
Saw a slow cruising 3' barracuda check me out on the beach yesterday. The locals tell diving stories, many including sharks. They say locals never get attacked, meaning they're smart enough to avoid it. They give up their catch, and get out of the water.
I met an old contractor and my engineer said he'll build the seawall, after much discussion.
Lighter
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Sounds like things are coming along - in the normal fashion they do - Lighter.
It very well COULD be hotter there this year; it's been cooler than normal here - even if I do whine about the heat/humidity. Anything above 83 with humidity about does me in. Today is a gloomy overcast and soggy day after last night's rain.
I am so glad, that I didn't just keep adding things into my "list" around here this year. I really wanted to finish the last few things on last year's list that got pushed back... and EVERYTHING I've tried to do since March/April has been delayed. Farmer's Almanac comes out next week I think. I can't wait to find out their predictions for winter/next spring. Next year's list COULD be pretty intensive again - IF the weather will cooperate.
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Amber:
I'm glad you stopped adding to your list too.
I'd like to try living differently the remainder of this year. I'm ready to stop agonizing over things, and problems, and deadlines. Sometimes I recognize chaos creation habits before they have me. Sometimes not.
Friday my Bora-Mild-Care wasn't delivered as promised. I started to spin, then shrugged, and left an after hours message to deal with today. The first call was calm, but didn't realize a trainee answered. Got original customer service gal on line, and think it's handled....re routing 5 gallons to hotel in different city, by Friday....
what could go wrong? The thing is, I stayed calm. Swam with DD. Cooked three beautiful lasagnas in an electric skillet, and worked on making bathroom look fresh, and clean....walking meditation for me when in right headspace. I know you know what I mean. This is sea change for me to notice fretting patterns, and choose joy instead.
I noticed there was as much worry about how failure would look to others, as for all my expensive lumber, and work to be eaten by termites. Both very alarming, and problematic for me...... delivery date sabotage not my fault, but doesn't matter, bc of the fail. Still feels like I FAILED, but shaking off. Sibling jept saying...."We feared you put your order in too late," so calmed myself over and over, each time. Assigning blame in my family is a thing. Focusing on resolution 100x better. Customer service apologized profusely, and refunded next day air fee. All good, and I didn't need to make her feel bad to handle it. I noticed I tend to take in responsiblity fir things I have no control over, and worry about them.
I touched the cold water line in bathroom sink while painting. Rust crumbled away, and water began dripping. Turned off, and will get parts to replace c and h valves and lines. When I showed engineer, he touched and now it's dripping again...floor wet, whoo boy
.
I scratched my head, got a container, figured I'll scour wet floor and use that water....no reason to worry. Will replace today, if get parts, and worker ever shows. It rained, and no one showed at all.😬
Getting used to that part, and looking for positives. Thank goodness plumbing getting fixed before aI go, kwim?
Sister coming today. I'm a tad worried about her tidying things so I can't find them. She also grabs any wash cloth and ruins them while cleaning, even when house filled with rags fir that. I can't complain, she's cleaning, but I have towels for guests that need to stay clean. Sometimes it's 2 steps forward, one step back, and half my time spent looking for things.
Just had phone conversation with friend that took my attention off today's missions. Noticed discomfort, and did a check... .was it old pattern, or warranted? A little of both, and now I'm back finishing list, calling workers, and going for parts and cash. Better not to let anxiety in at all, unless crisis at hand. This is all regular stuff.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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Yeah, I unhooked the water supply line to the washer BEFORE I turned off the valve. Duh. Took another shower. Backed up and got pliers to help my hands and stubborn knobs... and all is done. No harm no foul.
When blame and frequent criticism are applied to every little thing you've done around the FOO, I think we just internalize it - and do it to ourselves unnecessarily. It's just a mental habit; those can be changed even if we may always have the tendency to fall back into it - because of neural patterns and associations. Usually when stressed out or exhausted or any other "weak moment". Just go back to working on it... it's all any of us can do.
As for your sister, if you simply ask her to use cleaning rags instead of wash cloths, please... and to put things back where she got them, in the interest of not making more work and using up time... I don't see that being offensive or implying or transferring the "blame".
It really sounds like things are moving right along for you on your trip Lighter. Don't forget to have FUN too.
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Thanks, Amber. I try to have fun with DD every day. Yesterday we got snapper and lobster from diver and his boat driving wife. 12 lobster and 8 snapper for $50.00 bc I had my renter handle transaction. Usually I wouldn't that good a deal.
I digress. Cleaning fish took up time I planned on swimming with DD. Missed opportunity. Also, she's painting a big blue green octopus on bathroom shower wall. Spending hours. It's marvelous! Really saves that area, and makes it special.
I leave tomorrowso I m intensely focused on doing all I can. I think Bora guard handled as of 15 minutes ago.
DD 's beautiful octopus on shower wall is splendid. Hope she has time to paint a mermaid.
Lighter
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That's quite a deal on the seafood! Excellent. Cooking and eating qualify as fun too. ;)
It's turning out to be quite the busy week around here too. Details to follow in the farm thread.
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You're as busy as I was. Workers were just showing up.....great but directing everyone, and keeping jobs on track very chaotic. Then material runs, receiving deliveries, and managing orders.... Whoo boy. Ups and downs, adrenaline dumps, putting out fires, and trying to get our own work done....SO nerve wracking. I was afraid to stop moving. I'm sure you have those moments.
I got home Thursday night, and spent a day planning meals with my girls. Oldest DD and aI shopped today for specific recipe ingredients. Trying to honor every food, and waste nothing. Create interesting healthy meals we all want to eat. This is the first time we're all three on same page, and I'm letting them lead.
Youngest is limiting stupid carbs, and oldest nit arguing about it. Amazing!
There's 9 people staying at island cottage....with one bathroom, and one outdoor shower. :shock:
I can't worry about it, but my sister has her hands overtly full with feeding them, doing laundry, and everyone's comfort. Somehow she's pulling it off. During the day everyone goes their own way swimming with rays, fishing, etc.
The place looks good....inviting, and pretty decent sleeping arrangements as far as I can tell.
Lordy....just getting fresh 5 gallon water bottles refilled daily on other island is a job. I bet they go through 2 a day if workers showing up, but I think everyone is playing for a while, not working.
It's splendid chaos.
Lighter
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My sibs are fishing, and swimming with rays and huge sharks, and eating fresh seafood, and planning the replacement of a major beam tomorrow, even as workers finally showed up again today... they haven't been to the cottage since I left. There was a funeral, and then the weekend, and you just never know when or why they'll show, IME, but the shed got shingles today! One more dawn of the dead project out of the way. It looks great. Maybe the smallest building will get roofed tomorrow. The guest cottage needs some repairs, new hurricane brackets, paint, and finally hurricane shutters.
I'm told there's a 10 foot flamingo float the relatives pull with the little blow up boat, and it's much fun. I love thinking of that. I wonder if things will still be there when I get back. I hope my kids can enjoy it, and I can enjoy it with them.
The rain comes down hard, on and off here today. I feel helpless, and guilty for putting the heavy beam project on my BIL. I feel bad about my sis organizing the cottage for company, but I try to remember all the other work that got done they won't have to deal with. I try to let it wash over me, and go by without giving it energy. I know they don't want me to feel bad, and NEED me to feel OK, in fact.
Less fear and worry...
more gratitude and curiosity.
Lighter
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My sibs are fishing, and swimming with rays and huge sharks, and eating fresh seafood, and planning the replacement of a major beam tomorrow, even as workers finally showed up again today... they haven't been to the cottage since I left. There was a funeral, and then the weekend, and you just never know when or why they'll show, IME, but the shed got shingles today! One more dawn of the dead project out of the way. It looks great. Maybe the smallest building will get roofed tomorrow. The guest cottage needs some repairs, new hurricane brackets, paint, and finally hurricane shutters.
I'm told there's a 10 foot flamingo float the relatives pull with the little blow up boat, and it's much fun. I love thinking of that. I wonder if things will still be there when I get back. I hope my kids can enjoy it, and I can enjoy it with them.
The rain comes down hard, on and off here today. I feel helpless, and guilty for putting the heavy beam project on my BIL. I feel bad about my sis organizing the cottage for company, but I try to remember all the other work that got done they won't have to deal with. I try to let it wash over me, and go by without giving it energy. I know they don't want me to feel bad, and NEED me to feel OK, in fact.
Less fear and worry...
more gratitude and curiosity.
Lighter
Gosh, Lighter, yes, you've done a huge amount of work there, not to mention being terrorised by that deranged workman! I hope you can stave off the guilt feelings a bit; like you say, I'm sure sis and BIL don't feel put upon and are probably glad of everything you've done. It sounds like such a huge project. The octopus painting in the bathroom sounds lovely :) xx
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Eh, I'd stopped thinking about the deranged contractor, Tupp. He's not important, and I feel like I've solved most of the problems he created. Such a relief to not be thinking about him. Thanks for bringing him up so I could notice that shift.....It's a good thing.
BIL and Brother think I need to put in a larger Mitsubishi AC unit, mounted in the largest open area of the house. I wonder if my electric panel can carry that load, esp if I put a smaller ac unit in every bedroom.
The smallest shed gets a roof tomorrow. That's a good thing, but I recognize guilt popping up... my BIL will do it, and had to go North to get framing nails while not feeling well.
::shaking head::
He mounted the lock box on the sea container today, and the 16' load bearing beam was replaced yesterday. It looks very neat, and open now that the decorative panes of glass are gone. Less cozy, but very nice.
He'll rebuild some of the sofa frame so I don't have to purchase, ship, and receive/pay duty on another. Very nice. They're spraying the bora care today on all untreated lumber, which should solve most of the termite and mold problems. I'm strangely flat about it, but think it's bc I don't have any control over how they mix or spray it. All that fighting to GET the product there, and I'm not there to deal with it. I can feel very powerless at times about it.
I could easily slip into feeling dread over renting the property. So many moving parts, and depending on people, and all the what could go wrongs?
The octopus painting saved that shower from looking creepy, if you can imagine it. I'm going to try to post a pic of it now.
Lighter
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(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/ebm4Ta7zbkJqvQHjwSklX8a_FuMgwgmj6NfTZNjxkTLSdgQW98vSvIl-pd9AVFN16_sDHnEFb-qnGA0vHu0IsPOVd9-Pqrr6Br57X3voW2s0e0xTm4lEmsHONUheAb5ocxrfvQSWIpJ-eEanKbqLOs-WwTdgQdZZhdCSQUwfhPZQ8ilOGQI-xThoLLFIpGmkNsmzJBx5v1urHcWKU71y5RpwiD3BvrkTl1RsO8HAgh7B8t9gBZyPzu0tOF20crHDC6ahJmErtZHz8ZaDv7sy7t6J1v1NLZB1yO3bNkrNIuhZZA2cx09qzcYFOebkLaX1h2G-2qYcUetiHvJaEsiWeAQtApEpZYO94DMlFRakexOF8m-kS1_5I00AIN9G_gDrJFkkv96LCXRIx6bi4mPz96uqNSrEbAceJWEwzbOwv0RG5EQx5kHjbyVON5HToIdmML257Qfme4CGp1BIII_GhIs61cHciCSxMWZknClMt0HlT2LVHueQLbOpitSZMdm3gte_8PAfQKJpk31MahpKyRbvb5WgEWto2Ppy24AGCSU_tjT4QeoQGmwgLJ6ye5JJyi0yPk3nD1EM7PWovBK9p9oe441aUmQtc4leUg=w522-h695-no)
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omg this is crazy! the octopus gives me nightmares! :shock:
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He's watching you, Ales!
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Oh Lighter, I love the octopus! I love the way he's kind of creeping up from behind the tiles, what an amazing job your D has done! Is this older D or younger one? Did she just paint that freehand? I would love to be artistic so, so much. I managed to put some tile transfers up in the bathroom of our last house and that is about as artistic as I can be :) Love it :)
I am very glad you've not been thinking about he who shall not be named. I think it's a testament to your strong will and spirit that he has been consigned to the 'I don't think about that' box - and rightly so. I'm in awe of considerations regarding AC units, beams, electrical panels and so forth - so many aspects for you to keep in mind and yet you still keep on going.
I think renting out can be problematic, as anything can. Equally it can also be a great experience and benefit everyone involved. I don't know how regulations compare here to over there. I have a friend here who rents a place out when they don't use it, generally through word of mouth so it's usually friends of friends. She doesn't make as much money as she would if she rented it out 'properly' but equally they've never had a problem as there's always some sort of personal link to whoever's there so the place is looked after well and people appreciate that fact their holiday has cost a little bit less. There are always good stories and bad, I am just hoping that yours will be primarily good for this place :) I think Mr Octopus is a good omen :) xx
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I think that's hilarious, I knew what you meant about how the bathroom could've looked creepy, but you gotta admit, there's more than a little "creepiness" about Mr. O himself! Made me jump but then laugh, best thing...and beautifully done. I love the way he looks a bit recessed where the tile stops.
Thanks for posting a pic!
And if you ever get a chance, I'd love a step by step of explanation of how to post a pic here. I've tried over and over (wanting to share my pooch) but can't figure out how to "insert image."
Big hugs and kudos on the progress, I bet it all looks amazing.
Hops
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Hi Tupp:
I love the octopus too! And he absolutely looks like he's behind the tiles, which gives me the feeling of an underwater ruin. Not just icky broken tiles, with a closed up window over it, and rust stains from a leaking faucet. A ruin!
About renting....
It's hoped lovely connections can be made through rentals. I picture couples with little children collecting sea shells, or sun kissed bridal parties readying for photo ops, but I'm tired... and maybe a tad depressed. It's overwhelming.
Two more rental apartments are under renovation five minutes walk away. We might be able to help each other. Refer to each other. There's nothing else on that part of the island that's not a condo on a canal, and another 15 minute walk. I think about starting a small business bringing in daily maid service, grocery delivery, and meal prep/clean up, but no one so far seems interested in providing it, and I don't see anyone else offering it.
Honestly, just having someone show up with groceries, and cook a meal, then clean up would be HUGE.
OK, Hops.... to post a photo I scrolled over the icons till I found the Insert Hyperlink icon, under the CHANGE COLOR option, (looks like a blue earth) then added the link for the octopus photo. It looked like 50 lines of code, but turned into the photo in the preview window.
I tried it again just now, and it popped up as the actual link, and had to be clicked on in Preview, but worked fine. Very confusing, but I hope you post some photos soon. I'll keep trying.
I'll try clicking on the +Attachments and other options, and see if that works. It did.
Some people say the octopus looks like it's watching them. I don't see that. I'm always mesmerized and happy to see him. He really does save the bathroom, and make it interesting, and upbeat. Two small windows were just covered over with cement in there, and it was very iffy till the painting went up. The windows were wood with big old fashioned rusty nails.... SO Dawn Of The Dead.
The shower floor doesn't really drain properly toward the drain, so I want to put a sign in one of the Octopus' hands.... Please Don't Pee, or some such message.
People pee in the shower. :shock:
::wanting to weep again::.
The 10 bottles of 70% cleaning alcohol under the kitchen sink, lined up like soldiers, aren't enough. I always buy butter and alcohol whenever I go North. Always.
It's cool today... about 76 outside, and sunny. Rain over the weekend has the moss all green and happy.
The girls caught the bus this morning, which was great. Their first day back at school, and they seemed happy to go. Youngest is looking to join another friend group, and figures it will happen organically. Oldest lost a lot of friends to other schools, or graduation, but seems centered enough.
I'm looking at going back to school in September, but feel pretty disconnected for the most part, and not from school, but pretty much everything.
As my father used to say....
"My head's just not in it."
I have paperwork to do, and I don't seem to care.
I feel like I should start caring very soon.
I hope I do.
Lighter
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THANKS, Lighter!
For the first time I think I get it.
I don't know how to turn one of my pix into something to LINK to.
I've always tried to do it the way I would attach an image to email.
Duh. Feeling Jurassic.
Hmmm...still don't know how to make my image an internet image, but I'm getting a sense of what I'm missing.
No worries if you're busy!
Hugs
Hops
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Can you attach photos you've downloaded already?
That used to be easy, but seems harder these days.
I, for some reason, had the octopus on google, couldn't figure out how to download it, so copied that link.
After that I downloaded the image from my e mail, which made it possible to attach it as a jpg image.
Amber:
DD16yo had a little black and white picture of a real octopus on her phone, she used for reference. First she painted the creature in pink, then changed to green and blue, then changed to blue to match the bathroom. It took her 2 days, and many hours.
Was it you who asked about reference, or Tupp?
Anyhoo, dd very frustrated with me, bc I wouldn't tell her exactly what to do, or where. She took 5 minutes, thought about it, and did it. I was so relieved she stopped talking about it, and just jumped in.
When we go back, she'll start painting mermaids. One on the outdoor shower surround, and maybe one in the main room, and one in the hall. Not sure, but it's fun to think about it.
My neighbor knocked at 9pm, and invited us over to celebrate his father's imminent recovery from 4 months mystery hospitalization. Turns out a tick bit him, gave him Rocky Mountain Fever, and the antibiotics they prescribed kicked off a dreadful immune response, that lead to an infection from the hospital, that went into his organs, and cost him his left eye two days ago. They thought he was going to die, and then his labs came back this morning... mystery solved.
He's coming home tomorrow, via helicopter. It's exciting... I'm excited for him. His mother just survived cancer, and seems to be in remission. He's been terrorized by fear of losing them over the last year. He's sweet, and gentle, and I think I met his companion tonight. We'll have a larger gathering tomorrow, and they'll teach us how to cook a proper pot of rice, and their friends are professional dance instructors, so... Salsa: )
Lighter
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The octopus is JUST RIGHT, Lighter! Bathroom would look like "sponge bob" cartoon-y stuff, if he didn't have that expression. I think he's thinking: wash behind your ears! don't pee on the floor!
Hops, don't feel bad. I've worked professionally with & taught photoshop and maintained web pages full of images... and I haven't figured out exactly how to upload pix here either. I've got a whole folder (or two) of farm/house pics to share. Something strange happened with ipad, that when I take a pic the filesize (and pixel size) is ginormus and my fancy phone doesn't like pictures either. But I have a digital SLR and it's an easy thing to pop out the card, copy the pics and then resize them for the web. I've done so much of that the process is streamlined to 3 keyboard commands. LOL. There is however, only one computer here, I can do that on.
I don't store a THING in any cloud anywhere. Too many people with nefarious (or just annoying scams) intent lurking about in cyberspace. Everything gets shut down when not in use, too.
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But do you have a tiny square of electrical tape over the camera in your laptop?
:shock:
I don't but I'd like to.
:lol:
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But of course Hops! LOL.
Even the little bit I know about network/internet security from my time working in tech was enough to wake the subversive, recalcitrant "I won't play their silly games" instinct. You can "catch" things - like cyber "ticks" - just by being online.
But it's gotten so bad lately, that my digital footprint is now tiny; my self-censorship has been honed like a master politician; and I spread false data about myself to the algorithms every single chance I get. I haven't gone Linux yet... but seriously... who is going to care about my posts re: mastering the bobcat, my mental/emotional gyrations and pondering of the workings of the universe and sociology as if I were a dangerous person?? I have such a small audience. LOL. I don't want to go "viral". If I could be invisible and like Johnny Appleseed... just drop seeds of ideas all over the place... about making the world a better place... I would. Problem is: everywhere I go ad trackers think they know something about what I want to buy. LOL. Might help if they didn't show me what I just BOUGHT, ya know?
Silly computers and software.
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The girls and I enjoyed a simple meal this evening. Almost no arguing at all. I don't digest well when they argue before or during meals.
Pan seared wild salmon from frozen section in Trader Joes, with crunchy little asparagus spears from fresh produce department. Very nice with butter, and salt cooked first in same pan.
Their organic spring mixed greens are a deal, IMO, and rounded out the meal. I made a dill cucumber sauce. Yep, it had sour cream, and a bit of mayo with salt and pepper, but I've gone a bit limp. Not perfect. Oh well.
We made 5 batches of tamales yesterday. Some vegetarian with peppers, onions, and tomatoes. Some with pork and the pepper mix. We use coconut oil instead of lard. Tastes the same to us. Good texture. A bit hot this time, but we like them hot.
I've been unable to muster much enthusiasm for cooking, and meal planning lately. This didn't take any effort. It was a nice surprise.
I had a terrible morning processing things I've needed to process for a while. Really dreadful, but I'm tired of futzing around with the bandaid. Time to yank, and so I sank into it, and let it have it's say. Mostly there was sadness for my children, myself, and all the people who've lost so much through the last 12 years. Lots and lots of sadness.
Then there was anger.
For others, then for myself.
It really had it's way with me, and I let it. No holding back. Poor pug was confused, and upset too, but the tears had to come, and so they did.
I noticed I hold my breath a lot. I've always been a shallow breather, but I hold my breath. I have to make myself take a breath.
This evening I'm feeling lighter, and more relaxed. Less anxious about things I was surprised made me feel so out of sorts. It's a relief, and I think it's bc of the processing.
Oldest DD was stung by what I think was a bee last evening... her first ever sting. Her entire hand, and wrist is swollen, and she has a fever with some infection. The doctor fixed her up, and I'm less worried than I was about future stings. I thought he'd prescribe an epi pen, but he didn't. He doesn't expect future stings to be critical. The internet had me really worried.
I'm feeling lucky about brain integration classes held locally in September. It's a better program than the one in Colorado, with ongoing opportunity for hands on clinics with instructors. Ideal, really.
And that's my update.
Lighter
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(((((Lighter))))), I'm glad you let it rip.
Some pain is lancing, and it heals.
I'm so sorry it hurt so much but you are wise and brave to trust the flow of it.
Be strong, but don't be perfect.
love,
Hops
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Lighter, the octopus is amazing and I'm glad you told DD to just get on with it. It's easy to overthink and plan things like that - if it turns out to be wrong you can just paint over and start again. I love the idea of mermaids in there as well. It's going to be so nice when it's finished. And as for peeing in the shower - yes, people do so many weird things. I'm always astounded at the mess people leave behind them when they've eaten a meal - food and food containers everywhere and no attempt to clean up. They don't do it at home, surely? I can't get my head round it.
Your meals always sound lovely. Do you have MasterChef over there? You'd do well on that :)
I think anger has to be given an outlet. It's surprising when it rises though, and I think that people like us - who prefer to avoid conflict and try to keep peace and be thoughtful of others - find it difficult to cope with when it rises. You did well to let it do its thing and just go through it. I'm sure pug will be okay with it all :) I'm glad you felt calmer afterwards and I hope that stays xx
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I'm a bit wrung out, but still feeling OK, so I'll share about food first. I love the food shows too, Tupp. The ones with kids are amazing. How poised, and creative they are! I was never that poised. I'm still not that poised, lol.
We tried another new pick from Trader Joe's. Wild caught scallops. Frozen. You get a package of 10 large, beautiful specimens for $10. They were defrosted when we got home from school, and we seared them in a pan with real butter, then youngest dd made a lovely chili lime sauce after deglazing pan. TJ's has a small clam shell package of mixed greens, and we sauteed 2 of them with garlic, and ate them on spring greens. Quick, and I think we could eat 3 or 4 packages at a go when cooked like that. Always a favorite in this house.
I'm still feeling better, but suspect menopause is taking my hormones on a nose dive. Is falling apart, physically, a symptom of the M? I feel like ligaments are giving away. There's some shaking of my left hand, weakness. My left foot hurts more than my right foot, and my balance hasn't been what it always was. My left hip isn't getting better. Compensating for the pain is just throwing other parts of me out of whack. It sucks getting old, but it really sucks to notice it happening, IME. At least the hot flashes are better.
My Uncle had 5 teeth pulled today, which is terrifying to me. I can't think about it now.
It's good to remind myself inviting pain is cleansing, and leads to feeling better. Sometimes I forget.
Off to bed now.
Lighter
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I'm a bit wrung out, but still feeling OK, so I'll share about food first. I love the food shows too, Tupp. The ones with kids are amazing. How poised, and creative they are! I was never that poised. I'm still not that poised, lol.
We tried another new pick from Trader Joe's. Wild caught scallops. Frozen. You get a package of 10 large, beautiful specimens for $10. They were defrosted when we got home from school, and we seared them in a pan with real butter, then youngest dd made a lovely chili lime sauce after deglazing pan. TJ's has a small clam shell package of mixed greens, and we sauteed 2 of them with garlic, and ate them on spring greens. Quick, and I think we could eat 3 or 4 packages at a go when cooked like that. Always a favorite in this house.
I'm still feeling better, but suspect menopause is taking my hormones on a nose dive. Is falling apart, physically, a symptom of the M? I feel like ligaments are giving away. There's some shaking of my left hand, weakness. My left foot hurts more than my right foot, and my balance hasn't been what it always was. My left hip isn't getting better. Compensating for the pain is just throwing other parts of me out of whack. It sucks getting old, but it really sucks to notice it happening, IME. At least the hot flashes are better.
My Uncle had 5 teeth pulled today, which is terrifying to me. I can't think about it now.
It's good to remind myself inviting pain is cleansing, and leads to feeling better. Sometimes I forget.
Off to bed now.
Lighter
I hope you had good sleep, Lighter, and that you feel more rested today xx I don't know whether the physical ailments are typical of menopause but I have all that you mention and I have assumed it's menopause/age related :) My hormones are bonkers for two weeks of the month - a week of wanting to stab people, a week of wanting to cry and feeling that nothing is right in the world and then two weeks of feeling 'normal'. My hot flushes are better and I sweat less now. I found coffee and wine triggered both but I also started taking Royal Jelly and Milk Thistle supplements as I read that they can help. The moods don't seem to be different but I haven't been as hot as often and I haven't been waking up sweating in the night. I do have a lot of joint pain - one week of the month my elbow is just awful so I'm guessing that is linked to the hormones although I have no idea how or why. Hormones are another thing on my 'want to learn more about this' list. I did see a funny meme the other day, something like "my mind thinks I'm 25, my sense of humour is that of a 13 year old and my body keeps asking if I'm dead yet" :) Made me laugh, it pretty much sums up the way I feel. I hope your Uncle isn't in too much pain. I am not good with teeth, either - or eyes! Even contact lenses make me cringe. I hope you are feeling okay today - or at least okay about not feeling okay. Much love xx
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Lighter, hon.
Would you consider a thorough head-to-toe physical? With a regular excellent MD? Most of what you describe could be about menopause and a boatload of heavy physical labor. The hand tremor and balance issues should be checked out, imo.
You just have gone through a huge, drawn-out, enormous period of hard work in another place, with a whole lot of associated stress. Weary makes great sense.
And still you cook in a way that makes aromas rise from my laptop. Amazing. Thanks for that inspiration.
with comfort,
Hops
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Hops, and Tupp: I will get a physical. I paid for a full lab panel a year ago, and never made that appointment. Will get to it, promise. The lab guy shares space with a regular, very reputable MD I tried to get into last year. They weren't taking new patients. They are now. Thanks for the push. Will go.
I do sleep. I maybe sleep too much. I want to sleep a lot more. There's some depression, but I think it's about withdrawing from life for a bit, though it might just be recovering from all the close quarters living in the heat, and hard work summer weeks, as you say, Hops. I think the menopause makes it harder to sort out what's what about it.
I'll research the symptoms, and see if it explains some of this.
Enjoy your weekend guys. We have a long holiday, Tupp.
Lighter
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Aw, F.
The list of symptoms for M looks about right, and explains a lot.
F.
So.
Dreadful.
Joint stiffness, and pain.
Memory troubles.
Difficulty concentrating.
Anxiety.
Depression.
More frequent urination.
Of course, hot flashes.
Lovely.
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Aw, F.
The list of symptoms for M looks about right, and explains a lot.
F.
So.
Dreadful.
Joint stiffness, and pain.
Memory troubles.
Difficulty concentrating.
Anxiety.
Depression.
More frequent urination.
Of course, hot flashes.
Lovely.
Yes that is a description of me! The memory problems are terrible. The other day I couldn't remember what you call the green leafy things in fish tanks. They're plants! Lol. For the life of me couldn't remember the word :) xx
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My memory wasn't great to start with, Tupp.
I thought I was going mad.
Lighter
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I'm really glad you're going to a skilled well educated MD, Light.
Nothing to be scared about but I really feel good about you getting a top-notch standard medical workup.
I find myself cruising down alleyways online about health that in my rational, evidence-based mind, I know are not always wise. The cafeteria approach between Western, alternative, and special-secret-medical-guru info streams...seems wisest to me.
I just want you to be okay.
xxxooo
Hops
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I dreamed my oldest dd died last night. I woke up feeling dreadful, and did a balance. The awful feelings from the dream were gone, and I didn't think about the dream at all, except when I thought about doing the balance, and how it might have been connected to the headache I had a little later in the day. I don't get headaches very often. Hardly at all if not connected to my posture typically.
It's so easy to forget self care. At every level. Esp when care isn't just about flossing, and skin care, eating well. When it's at every level, and it's mostly new, it's easy to slip back into old patterns and forget, esp when under duress.
And we don't just put new patterns in place, we add new things when we start feeling better, IME.
So that's a whole lot of NEW for brains struggling to put new coping strategies in place, iME. Maybe reaching out, and adding new happy things, too soon, is just too much too soon?
I had an interesting night last night. It wasn't always pleasant. It wasn't particularly fun. It was stressful at times, and full of people who don't feel warm and fuzzy about me, more or less. They, without fail, speak another language in front of me, when they could speak English. Since they understand that improving their English will help with job applications, and primary, and secondary schools I'm consistently baffled by their unwillingness to speak English at all in the home. I don't take offense, though it's very distancing to be left out of every conversation we're not a part of. I'd like to feel closer to them. I'd like to have a warm fuzzy relationship.
I can't figure that out just now, and that's OK. I can leave it where it is, and go back to what's mine to do and fix. I'm trying to release the situation with love.... trying to practice healthy boundaries. I think healthy boundaries will bring about the best resolution possible.
What comes up lately is wasted time. I'm not talking about doing things imperfectly, but about not spending enough time on the most important things. This is about the past 12 years, still.
I feel better when I can turn myself around, and face what's in front of me.
I'm trying to do that, so it's confusing when I find myself turned BACK around, facing the opposite direction unexpectedly. The thing is, I'm getting more familiar with both directions. The present isn't so alien any more. It's easier to find. Easier to connect with. It just comes and goes.
Getting spun back around is like flipping a switch, IME. A photo, a word, a glance, a sound can flip the switch. Getting startled, opening mail, facing a difficult project, or sink full of dishes. It's difficult to figure out all the ties, and triggers, and fend them off. Maybe it's just time to stop fending, and start facing. I think fending things off just slows things down, and muddles the mission.
Oy.... I ate jalapenos today, so I'm rolling through hot flashes every few hours. The peppers are absolutely a factor.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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I'm sorry things are tough, Lighter, and kid dying dreams are the worst. Horrible to have and although I think they're supposed to be more about them becoming adults (according to the dream analysis stuff, which I tend to believe in or dismiss as rubbish depending on what suits me) they're the kind of things that wake you up in a cold sweat and make you want to rush to their room to check on them.
What do you mean by wasted time, do you mean time you've been forced to spend on doing things that other people have created? Instead of doing your own stuff? That's the way I feel when I look back over the last sixteen years - constantly fighting the fires started by my mum and her team of cronies. But I wasn't sure if that's what you were thinking of when you wrote it?
And yes, self care is hard, especially when combined with work, kids, home, pets, garden, money, paperwork, trying to figure out why x, y and z is happening, dealing with health problems, and so on and so on. I keep telling myself now just do what you can Tup. If you can have herbal tea instead of coffee, great. If not, well okay. If you can do yoga instead of eat crap in front of the telly, great. If not, well okay. I'm finding self care harder when my hormones are bonkers. I seem to do okay with it for two weeks of the month and then it flies out of the window for the other two weeks. I hope things level out a bit today and you can get a quieter sleep tonight xx
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Hmmm. When I have strong feelings about the past come up, I search around the void for new ideas/understandings about what happened and different ways to feel about it.
So, for instance - using a generality -
having a strong feeling about past trauma/abuse I am resisting the pattern of old emotions that go with it, and trying to sort it into a new narrative or story - new meanings behind events; new motivations for why people did things they did.
I strongly believe that I didn't always understand or react in the most objective way*, at the time; in the midst of the whirlwind... so I try to rewrite that story in my mind, with a different explanation. I do think, that things like this weren't a waste of time; or our lives. It was some very important lesson or challenge for us and it's real significance is that we should LEARN from it. Whatever it is we need to learn in this life.
*That said, it was incredibly important for me to regain my original feelings about what happened and that set of later choices, consequences, and decisions up to present day. I needed a continuity from past to present to be able to imagine future.
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Hi Tupp and Amber:
I'm sleeping well. That's not a problem. Re framing history is a good thing. Recapturing feelings around it is necessary, as you say Amber.
I'm taking B12 and magnesium again. It can't hurt.
OK! So I did many balances last night after I got in bed. Emotional balances, hormonal balances, brain integration balances.
One of the balances was around my left hip, which had me very out of sorts, as I've mentioned... painful.... had the feeling of a bone spur, sort of. One place felt like it hitched, bone on bone. Painful.
I did that balance, and didn't have the pain this morning that I noticed. In fact, I just tidied up the house, felt a CRACK in that hip... where it's been painful, and was reminded I've had no pain, or reason to notice that hip today.
I did balances around paperwork anxiety, and have my dest almost clear at this point. In other words, there was no anxiety around that chore this morning. I just went upstairs and got busy DOING . Very cool.
What else... I've been taking B vitamins, and magnesium so that may be part of this, along with eating healthier... trying to eat one carb a week, though I'm not yet hitting that mark.
I just got up and walked around to check again.... my hips is back! Two days ago my left glute was fatigued after walking through a parking lot.... hip painful, throwing my torso forward to avoid pain, and that threw out other things.
Wow. I'm very pleased to give that update.
You just have no idea. WHOO HOO!
Lighter: )
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So glad that's working for you, Lighter.
You are so tuned in to your body and always have an approach to take.
I envy that.
I've been recently rediscovering anxiety symptoms. They're always a challenge for me as they're always chest based. Had them checked out on and off for years, but still find them scary. A sweeping "cold" sensation, shortness of breath, and sometimes pain. Usually fleeting. Always starts under right breast.
The cold feeling used to signal a panic attack, and thank god I haven't had one in many many years.
I don't know how to stop them except to lie there thinking, I am okay, I am okay. And because I've renewed exercise after several years of sedentariness, I am going to get a full checkup.
I think Ngent's death plus the church stuff plus national fears and the feeling that the gyre is picking up speed all coalesced.
I look back at the church stuff and feel I've jeopardized my feeling of belonging in the only extended family I've got. I found that the AARP has a new term: "elder orphan." An older person, living alone, who has no family. Very scary.
You have to build community IRL. And find your people, and at my age it's urgent to do a good job of it. You have to find a group to see repeatedly to form new and serious friendships. The whole "create a village" thing seems to almost be starting over for me.
I don't want to let go of my church community but my sense of confidence there is shaken. I'll find my way. But it's awkward to be a minority. One woman literally does a combo of shunning-nasty looks I haven't seen since middle school. Ugh.
Anyway, I think all of those things are reasons I am feeling vulnerable and anxious lately. I'm not giving up.
xo
Hops
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Hops:
I'm sorry you're experiencing scary physical pains, and anxiety/fears.
My left shoulder radiates pain down my arm when I'm under great duress. It started when I was driving to my lovely B's funeral out of State. I think we hit a bird, and the pain started, just like that.
Feeling cold happens when I'm shocky, or low on vitamin Bs.
I still plan on seeing a regular MD, but can't tell you how life changed with the hip not hurting me. I'm happy happy, and grateful. Creativity is flowing again. I figured out how girls will take bus to downtown stop, and walk half a mile to a tea house where they'll do homework till I pick them up after my classes, which end at 6.
This is a huge improvement over Ubering from the bus stop closer to our house. They get to stretch their legs, then kick off their shoes, sit on pillows on the floor, and sip amazing tea blends in low lighting while plugged in and focused on homework. It's very quiet, like a library. They've done this before, during music lessons. Their tiny raspberry tea cakes are gf, and astonishingly good, IMO.
I'll have to figure dinner out ahead of time, and classes start at 10am so will that shouldn't be a problem. Will cooke ahead, so we just need to heat up when we get home.
About cultivating 3D community, Hops. It scares me to think about that, and how I SHOULD be doing it, HAVE it, be working on it. I don't have a lot, I don't. I look forward to having lunch with the Episcopal Priest... she's drove cross country with her husband over the summer, and I've been gone for weeks, so lots of catching up to do. I really like her.
We share similar ideas about friendship. Getting out, for us, is refreshing. Not too often, but for many hours when we go, and we love the tea house to start, then move to lovely lunches, with a lovely glass of wine. We don't have to be guarded around each other. We can share things we wouldn't feel safe enough to share certain things with. She's wiggled her toes in my moss, shared tea, and mommy food in my home, and it wasn't weird. I guess I should stop expecting things to BE weird.
What we fear will find us.
Hops, what would happen if you could stop fearing, and put all your energy into curiosity over what comes next? I don't expect you to answer that, unless you want to, but I think about all the energy we give to fear, and feeling tense about things we can't change. I don't want to DO that anymore.
I want to do other things.
We can't change everything, but we can notice what we're capable of impacting, make a plan, and execute.
About that lady shooting you the stink eye... how does that make you feel? Is there anything you can do to change that? Being the minority, IMO, means the courage it too you to stand up, and do the right thing, was even more heroic. It always upset me deeply when someone from my church honked at me in traffic, or snarled in a fast food line. What the heck? Really? All those personalities in one BIG room make me feel uncomfortable. I prefer to sit alone in church, or go to smaller services at night, or in the afternoon.
A friend joined a group to find new same sex best friends, and community building. She has her first meeting coming up. I'll let you know how it goes. She's excited about it.
Lighter
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Sounds like we're all delving a little deeper than normal into some essence-topics lately, while trying to "remodel" our lives somewhat.
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Lighter, good questions.
Problem with anxiety (for me) is that I'm not intending to "give" fear space. And the nature of my symptoms when they occur (SOB, chest stuff) is such that I can't bull through it. When you can't breathe you can't go for a walk, etc. I just have to sleep, wait, distract. Did that the last couple days and I felt better this morning.
Stink-Eye Lady isn't important to me, really. I've just got my eye on that familiar old bullying vibe. I don't need much to do with her normally but it troubles me that she's wormed her way into so many leadership positions. I do prefer to remain in the heart of that community, just in activities that aren't minister-focused.
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Hops:
I can see that worry and fear rob me of joy, and my creative ability to problem solve, and figure out how to avoid what I'm worried about. It's just not easy to shift OUT of worry/fear mode.
I can tell when I've done it. It's odd that focusing on the fear or thing I'm fearful about isn't the thing that helps me get out of the spiral. It's the shift to focus on the physical place in my body where I feel the fear, and staying with that till the next thing comes up, and the next, and usually there's a tremendous relief in that moment. Sometimes that's enough.
I just can't always remember to do that, frankly. I certainly can't when I'm embroiled in escalating chaos I've brought down on my own head, as with the contractor debacle.
This goes back to ignoring the basics of healthy boundaries. I muddy the waters when I focus on secondary coping strategies I feel what? Should keep me from feeling the pain of an unwise decision, made to please someone else, when I sort of knew better, but agreed to keep the peace in the moment.
What did I expect, and I'm not as strong as I once was. I have hormonal issues, and age, and years of stress now.
It's the boundaries that have to come first, and I gain more by focusing on why I've resisted keeping healthy boundaries in place. Likely my parents' forcing compliance, and not gaining my cooperation. I never learned how to make my own decisions, for my own benefit. I was surrounded by parents and siblings with huge energy, and the need to control and win. I think I just withdrew, and adopted a "what do I care?" attitude that gave me a tremendous tolerance for chaos, and pain.
It's not serving me so well, and so I'll focus on boundaries, and why I don't always honor myself. It's so easy to honor others, and advocate for them, and protect them, but not myself. It's the running tape in my head. It's my default position, and I'm not always aware I slip back, esp when I'm under stress, and my tapes tend to put me in positions of stress, so....
BIG change is really hard.
And what if our parents didn't advocate for us, or give us voice, or if they abused us, or tried to destroy us? That internalized parental command, deep in our limbic systems, is still there, even if we aren't aware of it.
The LEAP Brain Integration protocol helped with the hip, and current fear/stress spiral. Like flipping a switch. It was the same with the bad dream. It shut down the negative emotions and recurring worry/thoughts surrounding it. ::snap::
I'll prioritize the internal tapes next, and see how that goes. It's curious bc it can be addressed for what it is... a specific thought/emotion/memory... or it can be addressed through other channels, or by several channels.
The journey continues, (sans the hunched over limp.)
Lighter
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I don't know why I keep applying solutions to symptoms of problems, and expecting resolution of the problems, but I do.
Managing symptoms, when dealing with problems and situations we can't resolve, is important.
Pretending symptom management is the solution, is wrong thinking, IME.
Tracing symptoms back to original cause isn't easy.
Not realize there's a connection is, IME.
::uncrossing eyes::.
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Hi all. I'm reading the board, as I can, but overwhelmed in Brain Integration classes 10 - 11 hours a day, Sat and Sunday included.
Trying to laugh, and eat healthy with girls too.
Back to class.
::Waving::.
Lighter
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OK, I got up early, blew leaves for a couple hours, then started pulling weeds by hand. Again. I said I'd never DO that, but it's been so wet I haven't had opportunity to use poison, and then there were 2 extended family members with dx'd with cancer. One pancreatic. One brain.
Honestly, I like pulling weeds. I think I wouldn't be OK if I used poison, and someone in the area got very ill, or cancer, etc. My retired nurse neighbor won't use poison on her yard, bc..... as she says...
"what's the worse that can happen?"
2 neighbors on our street have cancer. It makes me very tense thinking about it, so I pull and pull and pull weeds by hand. If I can't keep up, and I won't be able to very soon, then I need to have smaller areas of moss.
The good news is, the moss is so thick, and lovely it's keeping the weeds out in most areas. I worked the edges, mostly, and am amazed at how nice things are after so many months of little care while I was away.
I finished the third Brain Integration Class on Saturday. At the end of it I felt quite competent, and relaxed during balances. I have Touch For Health class coming up... 4 classes in a whirlwind 10 day period. I had deep regret after booking it, but feel less overwhelmed now. There's just so much I want to digest, and my brain only absorbs so much info at one time.
Another student for upcoming classes, from Canada, booked a bed and breakfast near the school, and I signed on to be her roomy. This is in farm country, 3.5 hours away in my own State, and the closest hotels are a half hour from the school. I feel lucky to be just around the corner in a lovely farm house bed and breakfast.
My old martial arts instructor is teaching boxing to Parkinson's sufferers. Movement, and exercise help, but boxing is the best according to studies, so I looked up gyms near us that teach it. Yup, 10 minutes away there's a gym, and I volunteered that very day. Another lady volunteers regularly, and we hit it off. Turns out she's leaving in November, going back to Rhode Island, so there won't be anyone there.... I'm thinking this might be perfect for me since it's 3 hours a week, I get a good workout, and I can practice balances on the guys... they're great. Funny, super motivated, and one is a practicing MD who heads up the integrative medicine society in our State. It seems like kismet. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I do know I enjoy the classes. Guys come in barely able to shuffle, then work up to jumping rope... one is up to 31 without missing. Another just made it to 91. They're so proud, and so amazed with themselves.
Youngest dd has been sick with a messy cold, fever, and headache all week. I'm going to sign her up for energetic supplements, and see how that goes. She can't swallow a pill... or any meds. Never has been able to. Her immune system isn't strong. She gets everything, and it takes her a while to recover. I'll let you guys know how that's going. It's exciting!
My brother had a health scare with his gallbladder, and has tidied up what he eats and drinks. I don't think he wants surgery, but I think it's probably the best option ALONG with improving his lifestyle choices. Very concerning.
Hops, I'm going to make that doctor appoint, maybe tomorrow. Promise.
Lighter
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OK, I got up early, blew leaves for a couple hours, then started pulling weeds by hand. Again. I said I'd never DO that, but it's been so wet I haven't had opportunity to use poison, and then there were 2 extended family members with dx'd with cancer. One pancreatic. One brain.
Honestly, I like pulling weeds. I think I wouldn't be OK if I used poison, and someone in the area got very ill, or cancer, etc. My retired nurse neighbor won't use poison on her yard, bc..... as she says...
"what's the worse that can happen?"
2 neighbors on our street have cancer. It makes me very tense thinking about it, so I pull and pull and pull weeds by hand. If I can't keep up, and I won't be able to very soon, then I need to have smaller areas of moss.
The good news is, the moss is so thick, and lovely it's keeping the weeds out in most areas. I worked the edges, mostly, and am amazed at how nice things are after so many months of little care while I was away.
I finished the third Brain Integration Class on Saturday. At the end of it I felt quite competent, and relaxed during balances. I have Touch For Health class coming up... 4 classes in a whirlwind 10 day period. I had deep regret after booking it, but feel less overwhelmed now. There's just so much I want to digest, and my brain only absorbs so much info at one time.
Another student for upcoming classes, from Canada, booked a bed and breakfast near the school, and I signed on to be her roomy. This is in farm country, 3.5 hours away in my own State, and the closest hotels are a half hour from the school. I feel lucky to be just around the corner in a lovely farm house bed and breakfast.
My old martial arts instructor is teaching boxing to Parkinson's sufferers. Movement, and exercise help, but boxing is the best according to studies, so I looked up gyms near us that teach it. Yup, 10 minutes away there's a gym, and I volunteered that very day. Another lady volunteers regularly, and we hit it off. Turns out she's leaving in November, going back to Rhode Island, so there won't be anyone there.... I'm thinking this might be perfect for me since it's 3 hours a week, I get a good workout, and I can practice balances on the guys... they're great. Funny, super motivated, and one is a practicing MD who heads up the integrative medicine society in our State. It seems like kismet. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I do know I enjoy the classes. Guys come in barely able to shuffle, then work up to jumping rope... one is up to 31 without missing. Another just made it to 91. They're so proud, and so amazed with themselves.
Youngest dd has been sick with a messy cold, fever, and headache all week. I'm going to sign her up for energetic supplements, and see how that goes. She can't swallow a pill... or any meds. Never has been able to. Her immune system isn't strong. She gets everything, and it takes her a while to recover. I'll let you guys know how that's going. It's exciting!
My brother had a health scare with his gallbladder, and has tidied up what he eats and drinks. I don't think he wants surgery, but I think it's probably the best option ALONG with improving his lifestyle choices. Very concerning.
Hops, I'm going to make that doctor appoint, maybe tomorrow. Promise.
Lighter
Lighter, the fact that you can do all this physical work in the garden whilst studying, whilst looking after kids, whilst thinking about brother, just amazes me. Yes the cancer causing chemicals are scary and so difficult to know what to use and what not to - so much inaccurate information out there alongside all the useful stuff. Takes a lot of time to sift through and try everything out. What I wouldn't give for ethical governments who focus on health instead of profits and tax breaks.
The boxing sounds great, as does the stay at the BnB. It really seems to be pulling together for you now - lots of good things coming. I hope D's cold clears up soon and that brother's health starts to improve xx
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(((Tupp)))
I think I'll see things come together, then blow apart, and come together. It's what happens. We figure something out, then a whole'nuther set of challenges present for our attention.
And that's OK. That's life.
Trusting we'll be OK, no matter what, opens us to being fully present... I think. Fear shuts us down, and most of the time we don't recognize it's happening. I think we're finally able to see it when it's happening, Tupp.
Maybe it's time for us to have a chat with the fear, the pain, the grief, the rage, trust issues, etc. Maybe the fear, and rage, and grief have had their say, and look forward to moving on with us... to what comes next?
Lighter
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Yesterday I was working in the yard, and had a children's story book memory of being outdoors, by a pond, near an orchard at our family home. Discovering the smells of the pond, and tadpoles, and water lilies. Just the smell of the seasons. I remember remembering, and I haven't in so many years.
I get into the yard first thing in the morning, dawning the same clean outfit that affords me the fewest rashes, bug bites, and skin exposed to dirt. When the mosquitoes start biting my face, it's time to change gears, start dinner, get clean, do laundry, and study till I get the girls.
I have my Airbnb arranged one mile from the school that begins Saturday, which I'm excited about. Check in is Friday. The girl's transportation is figured out, as of this morning. I'm amazed that my back isn't bad after so many hours stooped over. Usually I'm down for a day, but self care has me a tad slow, but otherwise fully operational.
I've noticed I feel somewhat defensive today, although not chased, or scattered, or needful of outside approval, or like I'm behind or SHOULD be doing something else.
I think the whole Supreme Court nomination thing has been very triggering, and that's what that's about.
I very clearly remember my father sitting me down to explain how business works, why women aren't welcome, and why we can't participate in the man's world. How we weren't ever going to be accepted. He said this with sadness... you could tell it pained him a bit to look me in the eye, say that, and believe it was true. It makes me very sad to remember him saying it. He also used to say that women had an "extra nerve". He meant that women could do things that kind hearted, very nice men couldn't or wouldn't do. Women were, I suppose, "bad" was the message. He said very vulgar, hurtful things that weren't appropriate to all women, now that I think of it.
The wind is blowing. I wonder what's coming.
Lighter
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I've been in a state of mild to moderate trauma ever since the hearings began.
Today's news doesn't help.
It triggers me at a primal, visceral and spiritual level and is anguishing.
I hear you. SELF CARE (plus voting) is all we got....
xo
Hops
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((Hops))
I found myself seated, head on the table earlier today....thinking about the crappy FBI sham investigation.
You know what? Maybe we have to go through this to bring about proper lasting change? Maybe THIS is what brings the Nation's focus to these issues in a meaningful way.
I'm not good at letting my feelings get ripped around. It's too hard.
Maybe Flake will decide to vote NO, bc the investigation was so narrow.
At least we're having the discussion.
Take heart, Amazon's.
Lighter
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I'll find my computer and post an update soon. All is well, considering youngest has stomach virus, and laundry is almost caught up this morning.... yesterday laundry ran non stop till midnight.
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DD18 helped with housework yesterday, but put my computer where I couldn't find it. She was so helpful, and so nice when I asked for it... .just bringing it, and presenting it like.... I'm not sure like what. But it was a change. Very nice.
I set my alarms for 4:30am and 6:30am and it WENT OFF AT 5:30am!! I was supposed to carry a neighbor around the corner to her place of work at 4:30. She RANG, and I didn't hear it. I don't know what's going on. My first thought was the universe is messing with me. How can an alarm go off at a time it';s not set for, and NOT go off at a time it IS set for? I might have had the volume turned down from carting heavy luggage last night, but that doesn't explain why it went off when it wasn't set to go off. I'm upset wondering if the elderly neighbor fell down, bc she's not answering her phone, or texts, or door as I knocked at 5:20 and haven't heard a peep from her. I can't sleep.
OK. She texted she took an Uber and is fine. I feel better now.
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DD18 helped with housework yesterday, but put my computer where I couldn't find it. She was so helpful, and so nice when I asked for it... .just bringing it, and presenting it like.... I'm not sure like what. But it was a change. Very nice.
I set my alarms for 4:30am and 6:30am and it WENT OFF AT 5:30am!! I was supposed to carry a neighbor around the corner to her place of work at 4:30. She RANG, and I didn't hear it. I don't know what's going on. My first thought was the universe is messing with me. How can an alarm go off at a time it';s not set for, and NOT go off at a time it IS set for? I might have had the volume turned down from carting heavy luggage last night, but that doesn't explain why it went off when it wasn't set to go off. I'm upset wondering if the elderly neighbor fell down, bc she's not answering her phone, or texts, or door as I knocked at 5:20 and haven't heard a peep from her. I can't sleep.
OK. She texted she took an Uber and is fine. I feel better now.
Argh, tech glitches, Lighter, they are such random and bizarre things! All my gadgets seem to have minds of their own and do stuff just to mess me about, I think :) I'm glad your neighbour was able to get a cab, though, she starts work very early! Very good of you to get up at that time to take her xx
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It was such a little favor, Tupp. A 5 minute drive. It should have been easy, but I'll accept tech glitch.
The universe being against me was a knee jerk 5am thing. It felt uiam.
Lighter
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It was such a little favor, Tupp. A 5 minute drive. It should have been easy, but I'll accept tech glitch.
The universe being against me was a knee jerk 5am thing. It felt uiam.
Lighter
It's often little favours that mean the most :) Me and tech just don't get along; there just seems to be so much that's overly complicated and unnecessary for what I want to do. Have just been trying to set up son's IPAD for college, honestly like learning a new language! Lol, he will probably know better than me what to do anyway :) xx
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Hi, Tupp.
I wasn't raised with tech. I was raised to play out of doors, explore nature, and entertain myself.
My children have always had access to computers. I'm sure it's changed their brains. I'm guessing not always for the better. '
I was thinking about you today, and how difficult it is to change patterns, particularly when we've learned patterns through painful circumstances..... the most effective motivator. I experience more and more freedom lately, and it FEELs like relief, being released, escaping. I notice when I don't go round and round with old thoughts. I feel compassion for myself. It makes me sad that I lived that way for so many years. I lost so many opportunities, and years. I notice, then I do something new.
Yesterday was a wonderful day. I cooked gallons and gallons of soup for brother, and relatives with health issues, then went to Parkinson's Boxing class. There was only one student, and 3 of us there to help, so the instructor held the pads for the volunteers. It was great. I worked out to fail over and over, and had huge energy the rest of the day, into the night.
Today I woke up, had a good day, then my back went out when discussing a frustrating topic that brings much stress. It's better now, but.... the mind body connection is HUGE for me, and there's still a burning in my lower back, though I'm moving around better than I was. I was flat on my back for 2 hours... or stiffly walking around, trying not to bend. Yesterday I was hitting hard, kicking hard, pulling weeds, jumping rope like a boss, and there was zero physical fallout. ONE difficult conversations, and out goes my back. That's nuts.
I can tell I have more emotional resilience, but there's such a long way to go. I'll give myself a silver star for noticing what's what, and not judging it. The journey continues.
How are you?
Lighter
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I've been babying my back, and notice it's feeling normal again this morning, which is good, bc I've been doing balances using a low bed, instead of my massage table.... this means I've been leaning over people precariously, and straining muscles.
I'm very pleased my back is doing well. I associate this with emotional stuff. Definitely emotional.
The boxing class was cancelled yesterday, bc instructor had the flu. If I volunteer 3 times a week I get really happy, high energy work outs AND learn more about the Parkinson's program. My one frustration is that the clients flail at the heavy bag when throwing "hooks." I worry about their shoulders. Also, their jabs, crosses, and uppercuts aren't really j, c, or ucuts. They're just more flailing, but with less strain on their shoulders.
If we can pull back heavy bag time, train proper punches, one at a time, then move on to the next, that would be complete and utter bliss for me in those moments (instead of fear and frustration.) I'm so out of my comfort zone in that one thing. I'm trying to pay attention to what that means for me. Why do I care so much? Does it matter? Is it a negative or positive thing for me to spend time thinking about that? Why can't I let it go?
My old martial arts instructor backed up my instincts on this. I think once the old volunteer is gone, I can ask the instructor about changing that one thing to protect the client's joints, and help them gain more muscle control. At this point the other volunteer thinks it's beyond the client's abilities, and that's true. The thing is, if they don't ever learn how to do it properly, they'll never improve. These guys come into the program unable to jump rope once, then progress to jumping 100 times in a row without missing. They can learn. They're expected to improve.
I'll leave that there for now.
Does anyone have information on Gallbladder stones, sludge and improving the gb without surgical removal? My sib is struggling with that right now, and I'm very afraid removal is killing the canary in the mineshaft. My feeling is that healing the gb, improving nutrition and life choices is an option Western docs don't consider, bc 4 out of 5 people who remove the stones, opposed to the gb, experience a return of stones. I believe that's bc Western docs don't treat the cause, or even care what the causes are. It's maddening.
My sister and I just finished cooking up 40 gallons of fall soups using fresh, organic produce, and products. Himalayan salt, not much. There was beautiful rice pudding for Papa C, to put some meat on his bones, and pork with basmati rice and veggies frozen in individual servings.... then we delivered to 4 households, including sib with gb troubles.... who received frozen organic bone broth in small containers as well. It's frustrating he keeps repeating what the Western docs say.... there's very little awareness of nutrition, even though food is main trigger for gb attacks. I've changed my diet out of fear, necessity. I've gone cold turkey ZERO gluten, sugar and dairy.... I understand what he's up against. It's very difficult, but can be done, but I sense zero awareness from him or his doctors that this COULD help, or can be done.
One of the goals I worked during energy classes was making peace with the choices my loved ones make. I'll pay attention to that, and see how things have shifted, if at all. I noticed I'm able to catch myself, and choose different responses. I haven't noticed how I feel about it after the fact, bc it's pretty overwhelming.
So, I did balances on 5 people in 2 days, and I notice I'm making things difficult on myself, bc I so want to customize each balance for the person I'm working on. What I need to do is the same balance, working my way INTO the programs with each person. This is what I did before, and it's overwhelming, frustrating and exhausting for me, not to mention slower than it needs to be, and a struggle.
So, today I'm adding a goal to my study program..... to make peace with mastering the basics, then move on to more involved balances. Yes. That makes so much sense tapping it out here. I will benefit from this plan, and so will those I'm working with.
::nod::..
And.... I'm working on communication skills..... working to relay information w/o expectation, or judgement, which reminds me of discussing the legal stuff. I'd shift into complete honesty mode with family, for the sake of time, and end up getting lectured, and wasting time. I so want brother to be OK, and shift his health starting NOW. Telling him isn't working.... the resistance is almost comical. Knee jerk ODD from him, which I should expect. It feels so heavy, and flips my stomach, and the sense of NOW TIME.... is overwhelming. If he's going to turn this around, he needs to begin. I can't do that for him. He has to decide for himself.
::sigh::.
Now... on to study, fall leaf clean up, and boxing in Parkinson's program, while supporting young adult daughters.... oldest dd and I will vote early today, even though our district has been gerrymandered, and won't be fixed till after this election.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07BHDXKY1/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?smid=AKOVI4WSX3LJK&psc=1
I have a list of books to order. Will order Christmas presents, above, and give to all the new drivers. I suggest everyone carry these battery packs for jump starting vehicles, and emergency phone and computer charging. I have a different brand, and model, but will likely order these, bc they're higher rated.
That's my update.
Lighter
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Here is a wonderful YouTube Video on Brain Integration, and what it is, exactly.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vfrojqTevZE
If you get the chance, I highly recommend it: )
Lighter
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I'm finally reading the book ENERGETIC KINESIOLOGY by Charles T. Krebbs, and Tania O'Neill McGowan. I've been going about this new enterprise backwards... experiencing the work, learning how to perform the work, then researching the history of the work, and how it came about in a flurry of MORE information on doing more advanced work.
Energetic Kinesiology provides the history, and explanations about the subtle energies surrounding, and running through the body.
I was shocked at the price.... over $50.00. If you can find it used, at a bargain, you might find it good fireside reading.
In the meantime, I'm trying to catch my negative thought patterns, and flip them into positive ones. I don't wish to attract more negativity in my life. I'm ready to attract positive things.
The moss is thick and happy after the very wet summer. Mostly crowding out weeds that would typically grow... at least in the back and side yards.
The front yard is lush as well, but the weeds are just too many to handle. I intend to expand the leaf island, and perhaps build up taller mounds around the Oaks to plant with happy moss that runs up their trunks. It's truly lovely when it's all neat, and maintained. Getting a plan, I can maintain, is the goal.
The girls have started helping more with the house, and the yard. I've been gone a lot of the summer, they've had no choice. They're also maturing.
We went to a Burlesque show last night, and the oldest dd loved it. Youngest disdained it. They can't agree on anything, still. There were comedians, and a ribbon dancer, and ring dancer, and scarf dancer, and most excellent host, singing like a very funny angel.
Tonight we go to a Japanese Dance show... not sure what it is, but interested to check it out.
The Haunted House around here is excellent. I think the plan is Tues night for that.... maybe Halloween, but the girls not sure what they want to do. This seems to be a pattern in my life. Me, waiting on one foot, for others to make up their minds. Not complaining, mind you. Just noticing.
The journey continues.
Lighter
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This is from JUST ONE THING by Rick Hanson. I love his site. In regard to feeling anxious around people.. new, close, distant, business associates, etc.... how to determine if anxiety is warranted, how to deal with it, and how to limit it.
Does it feel safe with other people?
The Practice:
Relax Needless Fear Around Others.
Why?
We all know this fear. You step into a meeting with people you know and still there could be a watchfulness, a restraint, a certain carefulness in how you speak that comes more from subtle anxiety than reasonable prudence. Perhaps someone disagrees with you in this meeting – and you feel uneasy, off balance, unprotected; maybe later you worry what others thought about how you responded to the disagreement: Was I too irritated and pushy? Do they think I’m defensive? What should I do next time? When you get home, let’s say your teenage son is quiet and prickly as usual. You want to tell him that the chilly distance between you feels awful, and you want to open your heart to him . . . but it feels awkward, you’re afraid of making things worse, and when you spoke from the heart while growing up it did not go well and the fears reaching back into your childhood shadow and strengthen your fears today, so you say nothing, again. (I have had to deal with this myself.)
And these are just the milder social anxieties. Consider stronger ones, such as common fears about others getting angry, public speaking, being vulnerable, talking with authority figures, what others might think about your body, or being around people who aren’t like you.
Sometimes these fears are justified. People in your life might actually want to pressure, dismiss, mistreat, hurt, or exploit you. If you belong to a group of people that has been systematically discriminated against, harassed, assaulted, or even worse, it is perfectly understandable to be wary of this happening to you, perhaps again – and again. On a larger scale, think about the recurring theme throughout human history of authoritarian leaders revving up grievances against “them” in order to increase their own power and wealth; it’s prudent to be alarmed about this when it’s happening, especially when there is still time to stop it. Safety is arguably the most fundamental need of any animal, including us, and it’s vital to be clear-eyed about threats and strong and skillful in dealing with them. Nothing in what follows is meant to minimize this.
All this said – it is also true that very often our fears around other people are not really justified. Much of the time, they couldn’t care less about what we did – we are usually just a bit player in their own personal drama, anyway – or if they do care, it’s a passing feeling. Even if the other person does react, most likely you could handle it fine. Further, if there truly is something to deal with – a conflict, issue, broken agreement, betrayal – it is possible to be clear-eyed, strong, straightforward, confident, and secure without being anxious about it (see the chapter on kindness and assertiveness in Buddha’s Brain [LINK]). Anxiety is something added to our response to situations; sometimes it’s helpful, but usually it clouds thinking, adds needless suffering, and fuels conflicts with others.
So there are two kinds of mistakes we can make: having too little or too much anxiety around others. We should do our best to avoid making either kind. But which mistake is more common?
It’s the second one: needless anxiety stirred into the sauce of life, making it bitter.
How?
Be mindful of anxiety around others, especially subtle unease, concern, tension, nervousness, or worry. Tune into your body, that little jump in heartrate or funny feeling in the pit of your stomach. Watch the thoughts passing through, the quiet murmuring in the back of the mind that overestimates threats and underestimates resources, that predicts problems which are actually unlikely.
Be aware of the costs to you of unnecessary – not useful, not valuable – anxiety. Besides feeling bad, it makes a person play smaller with others, hold back his or her truth, and hunker down – or go to war, in ways small or large. Then really decide in your heart if you want to be free of this worthless fear.
With someone who you know cares about you, try saying to yourself (adapt my suggestions to your needs): I know you’re not going to attack me. Find your way to having the statement ring true, and then see how you feel. Do it again with this statement to yourself: Even if you did attack me, I would still be OK in the core of my being. Let the truth of this and related good feelings sink into you. Here’s another one: I can take care of myself around you. Let this, too, sink in. And: If you hurt me, I’ll still be OK in my core. And: I wish you well. If you have any difficulty with this practice, try other people who love you. The essence here is to feel your way into a place in which you recognize others and situations as they truly are, you take care of your own needs, and no needless anxiety is added.
Then try this practice with one or more friends . . . and then with a neutral person, such as a stranger on the street . . . and then even with someone who is difficult for you. If there is truly something to be anxious about, so be it. Otherwise, keep opening to the experience of being realistic about others and strong on your own behalf – without feeling any pointless fear.
Also try this approach when interacting with others. Can you talk with a family member, a friend, a neutral person, and a difficult person without one bit of unnecessary worry, alarm, sense of threat, or uneasiness? As you deepen your sense of being appropriately fearless with others, keep letting this experience sink in so you become increasingly grounded in this way or being.
Enjoy the sense of freedom this practice brings, the greater ease with others, the confidence. Notice how you can be more relaxed, patient, open, and caring with other people when you are not afraid.
What a comfort, and what a relief.
Share
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"Appropriately fearless." I like that.
I think my anxiety is more fear of myself.
Quite the emotional puzzle but I'm confident a deeper
conversation with the new T, whenever that gets scheduled,
will help me untangle it better.
Hugs
Hops
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We shredded an entire savoy cabbage, and cooked it with carrots, pork, garlic, fresh ginger, hot sesame oil, tamari, streamed in eggs, then topped off my own bowl with an easy over egg. SO GOOD. I have to say, it's good leftover... like great leftovers, and flavored up easy peasy.
Very much like eating the inside of an eggroll, or like Moo Shu without the pancakes. I'm adding this to the weekly rotation, for sure.
It would be good vegetarian too, Hops. Tempeh.
::nod::.
After breaking down 6 chickens, we have a huge pot of bone stock on the stove for Thanksgiving stuffing, gravy, and chicken pot pie. The house smells amazing, and we have chicken salad coming out our ears.
My sister made chia seed pudding. If anyone's seen the movie Nannie McPhee.... it's pretty much like eating the frog eggs from the tea pot scene. The texture is so bad. The optics are worse. I channeled witch pudding, and ate two bowls, but no one else could do it.
Finally made peace with expanding my leaf islands.... that pretty much means my entire front yard, with stone circles around the base of my big oak trees for lush, happy moss features. I moved rocks around yesterday, then worked on moving moss in the morning rain. The weather cleared up, and it was beautiful the rest of the afternoon.
I've given up on the vertical moss too, and it's a relief. No regrets. Just learning curves. Youngest dd and one neighbor are a bit sad about letting so much of the yard go wild. We had it all beautiful several times... it's just too much work, and no one can say we didn't do our best.
I realize how much time I spent pulling weeds over large areas. I wasn't moving rocks, or playing in the moss any more. I'm doing that again, and it's exactly how I wanted a moss yard to feel.
Lighter
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Aw, I'm glad you're back to playing with the moss, Lighter :) Your food descriptions always make my mouth water! Apart from the chia seed pudding, yuk! Does sound a bit dubious. We tried gluten free porridge once; awful stuff, I'd be astonished to find anyone actually eats it. And I will never forget overhearing my son say to a friend once (who had stayed overnight), "Whatever you do, do not eat the gluten free crispy rice. It's bad". Lol
I love burlesque! So glad you got to go and see that show. DD wasn't keen but I don't think that matters; she got to experience it and now knows she isn't keen. Or maybe she is keen but the sisterly 'we'll disagree' thing is there :) I do love hearing about parents taking their kids to 'out there' kind of things; just things that are a little different to the ordinary and are designed to get people thinking and talking and experiencing something new. Love that. I'm glad your back is a bit better as well. So hard when something like that happens; you just can't avoid using your back! So it's difficult to let that heal. I don't know much about gallstones but I do know that I find acupuncture and the general Chinese approach to health very helpful for me. Generally aimed at finding the cause of the problem which I find very helpful. I tend to use it now more to try and stop problems before they start - just a general rebalance and tune up (although haven't been for a while; I'm hoping to go after Christmas). So maybe something there worth looking into. Diet I think can be a revelation; there just seem to be chemicals and additives in so much now and we just aren't designed to consume those. But very difficult to make changes and wade through the minefield of information sifting out what is useful and what is the latest fad. I hope there is some relief to be found somewhere xx
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Awww, that's funny, Tupp!
"Whatever you do, do not eat..." Snort.
Thanks for the veggie version suggestion, Lighter.
I could do that!
Hugs both,
Hops
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So....my sister took the girls to a one woman show. There was much slapping if bare breasts, and horrifying imagery they couldn't explain clearly. I believe this was a form of Japanese theater. This Caucasian woman trained IN Japan to perform one new and one older piece. I know everyone in our group was gobsmacked, and caught off guard. A lot of WWII Japanese Internment camp material, dragging the American flag around.
Not burlesque, for sure.
We saw Reverend Payton's Big Damn Band recently, and that was a lot of fun.
I've had my head down, going through papers. We've burned one burn barrel full, and will burn another soon. My desk feels inviting, and organized after taking a load of books to Goodwill.
We also started cleaning out the garage....both sides, which required another trip to Goodwill. I'm letting things go. If I haven't used it in 2 years, it's gone.
I'm also going to the island to finish getting cottage ready to rent. Christmas planned in Canada. We rented a large 5 bedroom house to entertain in, and launch from. Kids old enough to walk the block to Yonge St. Downtown a quick public transport away. Not sure what we'll do for New Year's Eve. Everyone will likely want something different, ime.
The front yard is now mostly leaves. I'm shocked that the stoned in moss features, around large trees, mostly look like putting greens, maybe bc they're so flat. I'm not complaining.....just surprised. Moss, stones and leaves are informal things, individually. How do they manage to collectively look like formal putting greens.
::shaking head::.
Oh well. Will figure it out later.
Leaving town first thing in the morning, trying to figure out best key storage lockbox for beach cottage Airbnb users....needs to stand up to ocean, and be easy to use and change code, etc....be secure. Anyone here know anything about them?
Still worried about brother's health, and his views on it....treat symptoms, never causes.
We're putting up a large fake tree this year. Haven't done that 25 years, but want Nana to have easier Christmas with us gone. No needles. She can use it every year.... it's pretty, with different textures mixed in.
Lighter
PS. I really like goat butter!
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Can't help much with the exotica, Lighter,
but I can tell you that I bought a cabbage and carrots
yesterday because of you...I'm going to try that! The
ordinary grocery chain didn't have tempeh but I got
frozen veggie sausage which ought to do fine. Thanks!
Also dimly remembered a favorite recipe that uses cabbage...
because it's so simple EVEN I can remember it.
Borscht
Equal parts: beets, carrots, cabbage, onions
Chop everything.
Simmer it in broth (veggie stock or whatever...I use the
veggie version of Better Than Buillion).
When vegs are tender, blend (or not) and serve with
a dollop of....(usually sour cream).
That's the part I haven't figured out. I'm 99.9% off
dairy now. Never thought it'd happen. Don't drink coffee
but had been hanging on to milk for only 3 purposes:
--in oatmeal
--in hot black tea
--to make milk kefir with my grains
So read online that Silk Soy Creamer tasted best in tea.
Used it for a week and that's all it took to adapt. BUT...
then I read the label: sugars (cane syrup, dextrose), palm oil,
gimmeabreak.
Apparently they used to make a Light version but I emailed
the company and learned they've discontinued it. Tried plain
(zero additives) almond milk but ewww.
Anybody know of a no-sugar-added light soy creamer? I tried
making almond milk kefir and while it's probably okay as
in healthful, taste was pretty bleh. Might be a get used to
it thing...
[later...] Looked it up and you CAN make almond milk kefir
but gotta add sugar (coconut or cane), not more than 1tsp-1tbsp
because the kefir grains need a sugar to culture. Duh. Going to try
it again. My little lumpy kefir grains are my heroes, they have
put up with a lot! (Storing them in fresh milk which should be
good for 2-3 days and forgetting them for a week...)
Hugs
Hops
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Hi Hope:
If you can find raw grass fed milk, you might find making your own kefir, and enjoying it in moderation, us fine for you. I have a friend who enjoys that, and tolerates it well.
I don't know anything about borscht, but it sounds comforting. I love beets....all the ingredients. 3am and I'm hungry again thinking about it. What I'm craving is shredded carrots and beets with lemon and olive oil for dressing. Something clean and light after yesterday. Raw veggies, yum. Also thin sliced granny and honey crisp apples with a bit of tangerine and lemon juice....yummy too. Sometimes coating apple wedges in cinnamon is good too, and they keep pretty well.
I like yellow squash and onions cooked down in a heavy skillet with ghee.....carmelized a bit, and stir till cooked way down.
The egg roll stuffing dish tastes great... whatever's in the fridge goes in....thin sliced cabbage, carrot, onion, garlic, whatever protein.....lots of eggs for me, and season to taste with tamari, a bit of oyster sauce, and hoisin, oh my. Sometimes an easy over egg on top, as well. I can make ahead, and heat it up through the week. Sometimes with rice. Yes, please.
I hope you like the dish. Ask your grocery to bring in tempeh, and they likely will😎
Lighter
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Hey Lighter,
You should be a food writer! Ever thought of that?
The reason I'm getting off dairy isn't tolerance, I love all things dairy. I'm aiming for "mostly off" not because of me, but because I love cows. Empathy calls when I help myself to their meant-for-their-babies' milk and it's been bugging me for a while. Even pastured, songs-and-massages-every-day, uber-humanely-treated cows are invariably slaughtered when they slow or stop their "production." They're still products.
I spent time on a farm when I was young and helped the manager drive a field of veal calves away from their mothers, then listened to them all bellowing in anguish nonstop, day and night, for almost five days. Sat on my porch and realized what I was listening to. That was the seed.
I still eat fish. I have less compassion for them (no excuses), and I still wear leather and collect plastic even when a reusable tote's in my car trunk because I don't feel like taking the short walk outside to retrieve it and I do all sorts of other lazy unethical shit.
So mostly these choices aren't virtue, but personal pain reduction. If it actually helps the environment or an animal, I'm glad, but I'm not selfless.
BUT HEY, I have bought a contraption that delights me. I was thinking about a laundry drying rack and came across these gorgeous, hardwood, Pennsylvania-built, dowel-construction racks online and just did it. It absolutely lives up to the rave reviews for construction and performance. Every single time I drape my damp laundry over it I feel more connected to something like old-school simplicity, slowness (starting out, it takes me 5-10 minutes to load but as I use it I'm getting quicker with what goes best where), and just a sense that the ghost of a grandmother is keeping me company. I got the Medium size and it handles a full load perfectly. Except for my ginormous flannel nightshirts, which I just dry over the shower rod.
I still use the dryer now and then but waaaaaay less, so the rack will pay for itself in electricity savings--my guess is in under a year. At the same time it does feel good to be using less fossil fuel. AND...in winter, setting it up (takes 3 sec) inside humidifies the air. Sooooo nice to do something natural that is so easy and straightforward. Air is free! Air dries clothes! It can take a full day, occasionally overnight, depending. Fine by me. I smile every time I look at it.
In spring and summer and fall I'll just pop it on the back patio in sunny/breezy weather.
(And I just thought about your thread title and realized than when I'm loading the rack, sock by sock, I actually do feel mindful. It's probably how you feel while cooking. Awesome.)
Hugs
Hops
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So....my sister took the girls to a one woman show. There was much slapping if bare breasts, and horrifying imagery they couldn't explain clearly. I believe this was a form of Japanese theater. This Caucasian woman trained IN Japan to perform one new and one older piece. I know everyone in our group was gobsmacked, and caught off guard. A lot of WWII Japanese Internment camp material, dragging the American flag around.
Not burlesque, for sure.
We saw Reverend Payton's Big Damn Band recently, and that was a lot of fun.
I've had my head down, going through papers. We've burned one burn barrel full, and will burn another soon. My desk feels inviting, and organized after taking a load of books to Goodwill.
We also started cleaning out the garage....both sides, which required another trip to Goodwill. I'm letting things go. If I haven't used it in 2 years, it's gone.
I'm also going to the island to finish getting cottage ready to rent. Christmas planned in Canada. We rented a large 5 bedroom house to entertain in, and launch from. Kids old enough to walk the block to Yonge St. Downtown a quick public transport away. Not sure what we'll do for New Year's Eve. Everyone will likely want something different, ime.
The front yard is now mostly leaves. I'm shocked that the stoned in moss features, around large trees, mostly look like putting greens, maybe bc they're so flat. I'm not complaining.....just surprised. Moss, stones and leaves are informal things, individually. How do they manage to collectively look like formal putting greens.
::shaking head::.
Oh well. Will figure it out later.
Leaving town first thing in the morning, trying to figure out best key storage lockbox for beach cottage Airbnb users....needs to stand up to ocean, and be easy to use and change code, etc....be secure. Anyone here know anything about them?
Still worried about brother's health, and his views on it....treat symptoms, never causes.
We're putting up a large fake tree this year. Haven't done that 25 years, but want Nana to have easier Christmas with us gone. No needles. She can use it every year.... it's pretty, with different textures mixed in.
Lighter
PS. I really like goat butter!
Oh Lighter, the one woman show sounds a bit different! Never mind - good for kids to experience things that make them think "I'm not watching that again" :)
You sound very busy again. Good on you for letting things go. I've started to accumulate a little bit again, more through just not getting round to rehoming things really. I'm glad you've been able to burn paperwork and create yourself some space. Life does feel better when things are clear and orderly and we can just find what we're looking for easily. It gets tiring when you have to dig through piles of papers to find the one letter you need. I'm glad you're able to let it go. And the Christmas plans sound lovely!
No ideas re the lock box, I'm afraid, I hope you were able to find something that does the job. We always have a fake tree now; I used to get real ones but the needles go everywhere, the cat attacks it and gets bits stuck in her paws and I always used to buy one too big; they look small in the field but when I got them home they were huge :) Lol. I hope all the work with the island house goes well, that has been a project and a half for you xx
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Hops:
If I could blink my eyes, and make for human consumption unheard of, I would. It's not sustainable, and those dear calves break my heart too.
I bought two key lock boxes by Master Lock. They have pretty good reviews. Two different models. One should do the trick.
I'm editing, organizing, and cleaning like mad on the island with my sister. We've been here since Monday, arriving in a bleary-eyed sleep deprived haze. This is the first trip where the cottage feels like a home. We're doing small loads of laundry in a tiny wash machine, and drying on a line. It's been wicked windy, and happily efficient.
We made 3 trays of lasagna yesterday so we don't hav to stop and cook for workers. Lots done today, including guest cottage painted, and Stirage container organized. Tomorrow should be productive.
I had a small panic attack around 11am. I resolved it with a frontal occipital hold, and was back on track ten minutes later. I wish I had that tool 20 years ago.
It looks like my niche, on the island, will be the total island experience. This means Bahamian prepared meals, and drinks three times a day.
Oh dear. I just heard from our first renter. She's booked a week over Christmas for herself abd 3 friends. She lives near me, and rents her basement apartment out consistently as a super host on Airbnb. She's getting a deal, and I'm getting feed back and my first review. I'm excited, and nauseous at once.
I have a zillion things to do, and lots if unfinished business.
Thanksgiving was brutal. Tons of cooking, clearing trees and brush off the point. We had two huge bonfires burning for 2 days straight. I look like I've been clearing brush....a but of a mess, but getting lots done.
That's my update.
I look forward to catching up on the board, Amazons.
Lighter
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Lighter, your work load sounds huge and I'm always in awe of how much you get done whilst still keeping up good eating habits and juggling different projects and different people. I'm sure your Air BnB visitor will be great; she'll be able to give you insider information on anything that needs to be done differently and will be understanding/accommodating of you as a first timer because she knows what it all entails. I have read some ridiculous reviews online; people complaining that the sheep on the farm they stayed at made too much noise or the beach was too pebbly. Quite often there are newspaper articles where someone rounds up daft reviews and the silly things people say. So it will be great for you to get good, sound feedback from someone who knows how it is from the other side as well. You've done well to get her as your first guest.
I hope things go smoothly and I hope that you don't get any more panic attacks. I'm glad your frontal lobe thingy worked well :) Lol :) It is handy to be able to have these tools to get us through these tough times.
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Tupp:
No more panic attacks, and the island work continued after I left. My 'renter" had someone chopping on trees and another worker brought the real tree guy to start, which means there's a conflict, but there always seems to be a conflict. I can't please them all, and I certainly can't control them. If I stay calm. Refuse to react, or act, then things calm down, and work out typically.
I think the panic attack was more about the realization I'm committed to other people's dreams. The lake was my father's dream. The island was my husband's. I buckled under backbreaking non stop labor, and paying outrageous sums to cart stuff to the island, while unable to line up workers during my shirt stay. Things worked out, but it was unclear how they would work out.
When we landed, I had to pinch myself, bc the weather was perfect. No bugs. We had everything we needed the first 3 days, and workers simply showed up at my door with great timing. We got the wall mounted ac units ordered, biated in, and picked up, then the installers we're standing on my doorstep when we got home.
Home. That's the first time I've thought of the cottage that way, and I can't wait to share pics with you.
The installers we're unable to get the 18000 BTU unit working, so I paid the guy, I was trying to hire for the install, $60.00 to figure it out. I'll never get used to the locals not answering phone calls, or not having phones in some cases.
Having workers there, while I'm gone is worrisome, bc 2 or more with access means they'll be pointing fingers if tools go missing. Tools are difficult to get, and we're pretty set by now
My brother will bring a large piece of equipment onto the island to tear down trees and level the lot. I'm not worrying about a seawall at this point. The broken seawall was repaired at the walkway fir safety....picture a little wooden bridge. It's solid, for now.
I'm busy making a list for the renter. I'll send her with a key, and lockbox she can install.
I have anxiety about hiring a cook and housekeeper. I know I need several people to make this work as a business, and it's difficult to manage. People want the work, but they also want to do what they want to do, so I need back up cooks, and housekeepers, and my renter to be on top of them all.
Not sure I mentioned it, but we think providing the Island experience, with meals, and service, will be our Airbnb market.
People to help get the fresh seafood, take them fishing, prepare the food in an island kitchen....no one has stoves or ovens. It's difficult to figure out, and dragging groceries, and 5 gallon bottles of water can be difficult, bc taxis and the ferry have to be arranged. It's slow, esp in 98 degree weather when you forgot bug spray, and you're managing small children as well. Been there. Done that. Will try the full service approach. Just finding the cottage can be difficult, to be honest.
An Airbnb host, at the other end of our island, has a huge fancy house on the canal. He caters to rich people with yachts, and staff, and boats in monthly to do his own repairs. I can't go every month, so need to get my renter, who provides security and services instead of paying rent, to step up in an organized meaningful way that works. He'll be off the island when the first renter arrives, as will his sister who he wants to hire for housekeeping.
See? This is a problem for me, and it hurts his feelings when I line other people up, but this is business. When he's covering everything, and not dropping balls, then I can step out.
I'll try to attach pictures now. The bunk room turned out to be shabby chic adorable.
Lighter
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Hops:
Are you still happy with your clothes drying rack? It sounds like walking meditation when you describe it.
Drying clothes on a line in Bimini is rarely pleasurable, bc I have to stop other things, wipe off caulk and paint, and find shoes so the little pine tree balls don't hurt. I usually go out barefoot in haste. Sometimes it rains. Sometimes there's huge wind...so difficult to hang sheets in that. It's a constant grind.
Washer dryer next on the island list.
Lighter
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I am silly in love with it still, Lighter.
Something about that smooth maple, its clever architecture, its completely smooth movement when you open it up or fold it down, how easy it is to use, how beautifully constructed and compact despite all it holds...just makes my soul purr. Even with hardwood, it's quite lightweight.
I discovered I can load it in about 2 minutes now, while tea water heats. And also that I can eaaaasily slide it into the kitchen and park it over a floor register. So I'm happiness...air is free, air dries clothing, and what's more I have this WARM (paid for) air being repurposed...it blows up under the damp laundry whenever the furnace kicks on and dries it even faster. Plus, humidifies the air.
Yup! Silly to fixate so, but it's a very happy acquisition that ticks soooo many boxes for me. Beauty, utility, natural material, simplicity, and lowers my fossil fuel consumption. Quite blissy.
Made borscht, you'd be proud. Ta da:
Equal parts chopped beets/carrots/cabbage/onions plus 2-3 med-large potatoes, halved. Toss all in crockpot except cabbage. Add 4ish cups of veggie bouillon (like Better Than Bouillon) plus half a small can tomato paste. Cook on low all night.
Next day turn to high and add the cabbage, 1 tbsp red wine vinegar, 1 tbsp lemon juice and either 1/4 c. fresh dill or 1-2 tbsp dried dill. Leave on high one hour. Blend until almost smooth. Serve each bowl with blob of sour cream or vegan half-and-half. It was YUMMY. Took it to a dinner party and it got gobbled. It's also Christmassy, color wise.
Hugs
Hops
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Ok. I'm looking for one of those clever drying racks. I hang dry certain items.
On backs of chairs.
Over doors....many if my doors have almost zero clearance, bc of a dropped ceiling near the laundry area.
Over shower rods. I'm not silly in love with that chore, but would like to be. Would be great at home, or on island I bet they're sold at the Amish furniture store I walk by, but never visit, next to the Asian market. Will look. Their site doesn't look promising. Hmmm. I see lots of furniture. Reviews are stellar. Most say they have to wait while their items are crafted, but worth the wait. I don't see any racks at all. Oh, wait. I see a very tall one....is yours tall, and fairly narrow?
I have 2 heads of cabbage, and onions to deal with bEfore leaving town. Will make your Borscht recipe. It sounds really good! All my carrot ginger soup is gone. I had gallons frozen.
I've been enjoying it in this chilly weather. Hopefully Borscht will be as yummy.
Have you made carrot ginger soup? All ingredients are low on inflammation scale, and it's so comforting, imo.
If I didn't give the recipe yet, I will. Just ask.
Lighter
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Lighter, I have 2 of the extra large drying racks from Lehman Hardware.
Used 'em around the pool for suits & towels; use them in the garage or next to woodstove - if needed. I switched from a propane to electric dryer and am noticing it on my electric bill. It's still cheaper than propane is here. My reasoning was if the power was out - I couldn't use the gas dryer anyway; too many gas appliances require power for ignition, etc.
So for the generator I'm thinking about: washer will be on it but not dryer; hot water heater; furnace; well pump and fridges/freezer.
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I found lots if drying racks on Amazon. Thinking bamboo. Maybe. I really like bamboo.
About the generator. I think your list of inclusions is great. I'd give up washing machine to power up outlets for electronics, if necessary.
I'm doing bleck paperwork, hence posting and procrastinating.
This last trip to island I:
Ordered 2 split AC units
Paid for units
Picked up, transported units to ferry, South side if island, and to final destination.
Got mounting brackets for both units
Hired installers
Hired third installer to figure out whatever vexed the first two
Removed the roll around ac unit I'd put in an armoire, high up in LR
Changed out many ...maybe 10 dreadful ivory outlets....most in bunk room...for shiny new white ones SO much better
Edited out doubles and triples in kitchen
Organized kitchen stuff
Caulked trim, electric box cover, added another box over that box to ceiling, fixed ceiling where started to peel from wall, got beverage fridge working in that room. Again. It's iffy.
Hit icky kitchen wall and trim areas with white paint to perk up and chabby chic them.
Got bunk painted and caulked, fixed areas around skylights, decided very happy to have two mattresses on each fir comfort. Sheets are lovely. Have extras for every bed, along with fresh mattress and pillow protectors.
Trees around house topped. Nit sure if beached cleaned up, but needs doing. Also need sand dumped behind seawall, and around house. Fresh, new, white sand. There's a mountain of it on lot next door.
All beds fresh, made, and ready for sleepy guests.
Lots of battery powered real wax candles, with remote, ready for deployment.
Induction cooktop looks great, and works well.
The LR, and kitchen needs new ceilings, and paint.
Made seawall walkway safe....
Need washer and dryer
Considering building out shed as little loft cottage and adding a bath.
Assuming Airbnb gal makes trip on Jan 2nd, I have suitcase of things for her to carry ...shelf pegs, zinc shower curtain clips, the rest if the sky blue induction cookware...more lovely quilts with shabby chic appeal.
Must get Airbnb site up and running. Kind of excited. At least the excitement equals the dread, at this point
Back to paperwork. I have appointment to handle biggest issue tomorrow morning, and am on the other issue now. Part if the anxiety is I got screwed by the attorney who was President of home association when he let his buddy use my dock in Miami. Bastard couldn't collect the electric bill, and so I paid it, and couldn't get in English speaking person to help figure it all out as my mother was dying in 2014. Fast forward to new company re charging me for entire 2015 electric bill while claiming atgey have no records,band I have to disproved their claim I had a boat registered to my slip
Grrrrrt....This stack of files is 8" high, and it's giving me chest pains.
Grrrrr. Having to do other people's paperwork, to get what's fair, and should be simple. It crushed joy, and
Lighter
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Lighter - you might not have time before your first guests -
one thing we found pretty helpful in rental cottages at the beach was a "house book". Usually included info like how to operate electronics, hot tub; when the trash/recycling needed to go out for pickup; any special info from the owners that would make a stay there safer & more comfortable... like how to find weather information, local emergency alerts, and a guide to stores and restaurants.
Stayed in an airBnb in Michigan on our trip. I have to say it was a great experience - they OK'd Knuckles and provided a blanket to cover the couch, minimizing housekeeping after. Owners did ask us to strip the beds and pile on washer/dryer. Probably saves the time the housekeeper is there.
Sounds like you need to SIMPLIFY your life and what you take care of -property wise. It's a goal worthy of putting in as much effort and patience as needed, IMO. I am so glad to be rooted in just one place now! No extra utility bills, insurance, maintenance... or worry.
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Here's my friend. (Mine was a Large.)
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01I3Q25F0/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1&pldnSite=1 (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01I3Q25F0/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1&pldnSite=1)
Dunno when I've more enjoyed reading reviews.
xo
Hops
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Hops:. I guess I'll shop at the Amish store. The rack in their site looks about 60" high. Beautiful, but weighs almost half of what I can carry on small plane .....almost 13 lbs, and I can carry 30. That's a small issue
Amber, I'm working in a book with appliance info, dive shops, restaurant info/menus, and garbage/water/transportation details. Just spoke to one of my nieces about going on vacation with her this summer. It's been years since we did that, and she's excited looking at pictures. I tried to attach some. Will give it another shot
Keep giving me pointers. I'm relaxing into imperfection. Excited about the blow up boat, and ability to come and go between islands on my own, fish and dive at will.
I've never played on the island. I'm going to play next visit.
Putting appliance info in book Doc s good idea I hadn't thought if, btw; )
Lighter
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PS, Lighter...yes I'd love your carrot ginger soup recipe.
Thanks!
But only when it's not yet another chore to dig up and post.
Hugs,
Hops
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Hops:
The Amish store has a 48" wide... Xlarge rack, for 82.00, which I think is an OK price for hardwood, and all that height! It goes well over 60" high, and he's holding the last one for me! Weighs over 12 lbs.... was hoping to maybe find a lighter one to carry through airports, on boats, and into taxis, but hey.... your description has me hooked on the real thing.
I pulled up the basic recipe online for THE PLAN's carrot ginger soup. It looks like this one has been scaled back. I think I usually use 5 lbs of carrots, but you can make as much as you like. It's hard to screw this up, and I usually don't leave all the ginger in. I add coconut milk... the real stuff, CHEF's CHOICE is my favorite, in the blue can. It's a decadent bowl of soup, I look forward to cupping in my hands. I have a thing for soup bowls and spoons. Deep, and round.
Create a Recipe Makeover
Nutritional Info
Servings Per Recipe: 6
Amount Per Serving
Calories: 54.4
Total Fat: 0.4 g
Cholesterol: 0.0 mg
Sodium: 65.0 mg
Total Carbs: 12.5 g
Dietary Fiber: 3.6 g
Protein: 1.6 g
View full nutritional breakdown of Carrot Ginger Soup (The Plan) calories by ingredient
Report Inappropriate Recipe
Submitted by: JENNA3
Introduction
This is the basic soup for day 1 of The Plan.
Minutes to Prepare: 5
Minutes to Cook: 10
Number of Servings: 6
Ingredients
1.5 lbs of carrots (about 7 medium-large)
1 large zucchini
1 Tbsp onion powder (or 1 onion chopped)
2-3 cloves garlic
1 Tbsp grated or minced raw ginger root (or to taste)
Cinnamon, cumin to taste
fresh ground black pepper to taste
1 quart water (1/2 quart for thicker soup)
Tips
It is mighty thin with the 1 quart of water-I recommend the 1/2 quart.
Directions
Chop all vegetables and add to the pot. Add spices and water. For thicker soup, use 1/2 quart water until soft. Puree in a blender or food processor (I use an immersion blender.)
Serving Size: Makes 6-8 3/4 cup servings (calculated for 6)
Number of Servings: 6
Recipe submitted by SparkPeople user JENNA3.
Enjoy, Hops. Maybe look up THE PLAN on the internet and see if you like some other version, or the real, very large, original recipe.
Lighter
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Thank you!
And weirdly, I just bought fresh ginger root, which I seldom do.
Will try it soon.
My drying rack (obsession alert) IS slim, even in use. Remarkly small footprint for something that easily dries a full load.
What a ridiculous pleasure. Loaded it again today. Just feeling happy and enjoying doing it. You're right that it feels like walking meditation. But...loading-laundry-rack meditation...
Silly. Silly. But good. I'm happy for good moments!
xo
Hops
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Hops:
The smell of fresh ground coffee made me so happy this morning.
Joy lives in the small simple things, IME.
Your posts about your drying rack are lovely.
Lighter
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OK, so I wanted to write this out, for myself, that not all amygdala hijackings are alike.... here's a ramble. I repeat things, I know, bc that's how I learn. Apparently: /
Bessel Van Der Kolk (I really like him) says that helplessness, when trauma happens to us, is a different animal than when we have the ability to act in a traumatic situation.... like a car wreck, for instance, if a husband can get OUT of the car, and act, and the wife is trapped, and unable to move.... the wife's trauma will be different, harder to deal with and overcome. It's more difficult to re engage the frontal lobe, creative/logical mind IF we're unable to help ourselves.
I'm just blathering, paraphrasing loosely... but Bessel stresses re framing our trauma so we can move INTO feeling we have some power... which helps us re engage our frontal lobes, and creative/problem solving abilities necessary to healing, and overcoming the initial trauma.
Another example he gave was about a world class bike rider... hit by a car... dragged a good distance under the vehicle, destroying his legs... crippled him badly....... couldn't bike anymore, was depressed, and traumatized beyond his ability to cope.
IN one particular session this biker re framed his situation..... revisiting exactly happened during the accident... in his own words, talking himself through it.
The driver, who hit the cyclist, didn't realize he was dragging him UNDER the car, btw. It went on and on and on, for a very long time. Terrible.
The biker talked it through.... for himself....
he'd been dragged, and bc of his tremendous upper body strength, he'd kept his pelvis from being dragged... his legs had been dragged, and destroyed, but his pelvis... so important to his quality of life..... everything shifted with this realization.
His LOSS OF HIS CAREER AND PASSION, what he'd lost.....
shifted into what he hadn't lost that day....
bc of his action in the situation..
bc of his strength, and ability to act.....
shifted everything for him. There was excitement at his discovery, HE felt excitement, and pride, and amazement that he'd DONE this thing that kept him out of a wheel chair the rest of his life. What an amazing thing to be able to have the life he had! Bessel guided him.... helped him re frame what happened to him....there was loss and devastation, but there was also triumph, and he'd done that for himself. He'd acted, and he'd saved himself too.
This concept, of feeling we're not helpless.. of calming stress in the brain by increments, and situationally, and regarding long term default pathways we're not aware of but must identify in order to develop choice, merges well with the LEAP brain integration work.
I want to say, if I haven't said before, that the brain integration program was suggested by oldest dd's therapist, who didn't know HOW brain integration works.
She only knew that she and her children were helped by it, and that it really helped clients move more quickly, and effectively through sessions with her, which was our experience.
When we're tied up in shameful knots, experiencing fear, or dread... we're not able to engage our frontal lobes. We're unable to utilize creative problem solving skills necessary to solve basic problems, much less ones involving trauma, old well worn default pathways, and anything that sounds alarm bells for superfast amygdala.... motion, sound, our brains automatically go through stored memories ALL THE TIME, to find context for everything we see, hear, and smell.... and when alarm is raised, the amygdala shuts down the pathways to our frontal lobe, and then we're wondering why we're handling certain situations differently/poorly/angrily/fearfully in ways that don't serve us, and we identify as things we need and want to change.
Simply identifying these things isn't enough. Wanting to change them isn't enough. Sometimes these old pathways serve us in ways that our lower survival brains are perfectly comfortable with. These patterns have kept us alive, and breathing, which is what lower brain cares about.
Mid brain is more social, and higher brain more concerned about context... how was it taught in class... the lower brain wants to have sex. The mid brain wants to have sex with a particular woman at a party, now....
the higher brain identifies that woman as the wife of the boss, and quickly dismisses the option, turning instead to creative solutions that aren't CL... career limiting.
I think about all the bone headed things I've witnessed, and done, and connect the dots. WHAT part of my brain was operating when I did A, B and C?
tbc
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What part of the contractor's brain was engaged when he screamed at me, threatened to cut off my fingers, and appeared as an out of control mad man? I don't know for sure, but I'm guess his frontal lobe wasn't in charge. I'm guessing he had an adrenaline dump, a feeling, an old memory sweep his brain into mid or lower brain function, and his actions seemed like the right thing to do. SEEMED to be what he needed to do to get empathy, care, connection with me, which is the absolute opposite of what he achieved. He drove the final wedge, and assured that part of his life, the most important part at that time, fell apart, degraded, and brought shame, humiliation... he was ejected by a very large man who didn't accept his dramatic antics, or threats, and would have humiliated him further by physically dominating him if he'd resisted.
Just terrible.
THAT isn't what he wanted.
I returned to the island, after my father's memorial service, feeling empathy for the C... feeling I would try to help him learn to help himself control his emotions.... I'd do balances on him, relieve stress on his brain, show him how to do it himself, and help him notice changes, if any, and support his journey to getting more of what he wanted, which looking back wasn't congruent to what I wanted.
It wasn't realistic, bc he couldn't respect boundaries or space..... but my goodness..... that man really needs help, and it's impossible not to identify how it would improve his life. That's not my problem, even though he would have been a fascinating case study.... I digress.
I couldn't stand being in his space, or 15 feet away from him, and I underestimated my ability to tolerate being in his space... it shut me down.... I avoided him... worked with intense focus, which drove him nuts, and things deteriorated predictably. What was going on in my life that lead to that particular crisis?
My father died while I was at the cottage working. The contractor was pressuring me/throwing tantrums/making demands I go back to the cottage, even while I was planning the service, and trying to handle regular cottage business, and his emotions... overwhelming on the best of days, and there had been violence, which always shuts me down, and switches me to survival mode... shaking, unable to eat, hyper alert.
I wasn't thinking clearly. My sister, who got along well with the contractor, wasn't thinking clearly either, bc memorial service. Planning. Mourning. My getting tormented affected her. She should have gone back to the cottage.... I shouldn't have gone, bc what happened was predictable IF we were thinking clearly, which we weren't.
On reflection, it's not just needing help that shuts me down. There's usually other moving parts involved, crisis, trauma, things out of my control.... fear.... unrelenting pressure..... having no down time to recover, etc. It's always a combination, and it's not correct to say it's simply when I need help, or have to ask for help, or have no control. And social anxiety. And fear of failure. Lots of things go into a very complex chain of events... it's never just one thing. Never. I need to identify those things, tease them apart, understand them, then learn to identify them, get back to center, THEN deal with them, and the situation from a position of strength, rather than reactivity, and negative emotional looping.
So... what is the magical combination of having a touchstone... a friend in our lives to help steady us, feel Doc or Lionel or safe lovely friend IN our chests, with us.... helping us calm our brains and find our centers when overwhelmed.... and how does having that connection to "other" fit into calming our brains/engaging sympathetic nervous system?
It's like falling off a shelf.... dropping off the frontal lobe, down into mid brain, maybe right into lower brain. The touchstone is at the edge, and can help us steady ourselves. IS CENTERING. Reminds us we have strengths, and ability, when fear and doubt threaten to sweep us away. We know we can trust them, and they see US, our flaws, but most importantly they see our skills, and we see ourselves through their eyes, bc we're not alone, and left to our own devices... left to fall, and flail.
IF I could go back, what would I change about the scheduling woman at the Re Store? I wouldn't have let her fluster me with dramatic, raised voice accusations I KNEW weren't true. It was so humiliating to be accused like that. I would have produced my receipt, calmly found the place I paid for delivery, along with the date scheduled, and she wouldn't have continued to escalate, bc I was calmly stating the facts, which was a challenge to her, which shut me down more.
Her SEEING the receipt, correctly, would have been all it took to shut her down, get an apology, and new delivery date. Honestly, it served me to have a later delivery date. I COULD have benefited from that interaction, felt great about, and not carried all this negativing around with me all this time. In fact, just identifying a way to turn that INTO a positive,and understanding it was within my ability all along, helps me release the desire to (correctly) name call her a bitch.
It takes away a point of pain, that heightened the pain of the boss's son's death... he was my friend. I have one of his lovely wooden bowls... he was an artist, and he was sweet, and kind, and we got along very well. Chatted all the time, bc I was there all the time for a while. Now there's just that knot of loss, combined with lovely memories of the time we had, and the scheduling lady doesn't land on top of that with all the emotions it used to evoke.
Hmmm..... centered.
Now, I'm going to do that with regard to the contractor, which won't be quite so easy. More personalities involved. More being pushed to do things I didn't want to do, by many people, and a lot of not honoring myself/speaking my mind/enforcing boundaries, and asserting myself in ways I wanted to, and that's the beginning.
I'm pretty good at putting boundaries in place. I'm not great at enforcing them. It's a pattern.
I'm going to skip the obvious answer of NOT dealing with him at all, bc he really was calm, and acting normal, and had a lovely gf, which to me, meant he wasn't going to be pushing for relationship again. That problem seemed solved.
I think the contractor could have been held in check, his behavior kept in check,if I'd been dealing with him myself. My sister's involvement mean I was talked into allowing certain behaviors I wouldn't normally put up with. This tipped the scale, along with my father's death, and I lost my ability to cope, and navigate the eggshell walking mine field.
Contractor was a standard boundary trouncer... couldn't stand them. Gray rock, working hard, patting him on the head for jobs well done, and there were SO many..... worked for a while, though I was hyper sensitive to his immature, whiney complaining... I was coping.
Add the unrelenting heat. His failure to put together lists, so I didn't have to go back and forth to the other island to the hardware store.... in that heat..... and the whining... and my father's stroke... my sister convincing me to go along to keep the peace, when it was part of the slide into madness.... MY doing, not hers.... I get that too.....
on the final day I told my sister to STOP placating him! I'm not letting anything slide going forward. I'm done! And I was. At that point I told him I'd never comply bc he threatened me with violence or behaved badly....
his response....
"Oh, reaaaaally?"
Me: Ya. Really. With conviction. Without fear. Without second guessing myself. I was back in the zone. Centered. Sure of what would happen next. I was done walking on eggshells... eggshells suck. Come what may.... put him on a plane with his tools... done.
And then my sister flipped out, and demanded I fire him, and have him escorted off the job, which flipped me out all over again.
And I DID that. I didn't do it my way. I didn't get a chance to center myself, and think it through. I sent a text..... then several more, then he KNEW he was fired, and headed right to the house, to the place where he hid a key, where I'd just frantically found and pocketed it a minute ahead of him, and he hung up on my sister..... "SHE TOOK THE KEY" and she began calling me like crazy, while I freaked out wondering where my renter was, bc now I'm afraid contractor is going to physically assault me at this point.... I'm peeking out the side door, to get renter's attention in his cottage, and the contractor pops into my view.... I jump, and scream, bc hyperalert at this point, and the contractor walks towards me with purpose, and malice.... the renter walks out his door, and between the contractor and me.
Contractor wants ME to leave my property.... renter gets very quickly that this isn't going to be how this goes. I've already started getting tools together, finding hardware for hurricane shutters, bits, and such... making sure the things I bought are hidden... his notebook with expenses and what he's owed.... hidden...... and then contractor getting his tools together.... upset he can't fit all into his big tool box so he looks me in the eye, and throw/empties the box onto the tile floor..... malice coming out of his pores.... renter standing there, watching without emotion....... I'm frantic, at least on the inside... I think I probably looked pretty steady... I've had lots of practice having to.
At that point, contractor shifts... uses a little small helpless voice, asks renter if he can help him lift his heavy tool boxes... .gets renter busy on porch and RUNS BACK TO ME LIKE A LITTLE DEMON< shoves his chest into mine BLECK and makes squealing pig noises while telling me I'll have to move, he's going to run and my children out of our home, and make sure we have to sell the cottage, and I push him off me, with some force, and walk outside to where the renter is.
Contactor being sly, pretending to wish the best for me TO the renter... saying he wanted renter to help me finish project.... very sly. Very smart. Capable of control, at times. Informed me that he wasn't a nut..... he was calculating, and the crazy behaviors were about controlling me. I shouldn't have let him cross that first boundary, and that first boundary was crossed the day we were leaving.
I wanted to add a stop. I rented a trailer large enough to accomodate a golf cart. My brother had one, offered it that morning... was preparing to meet me, so I didn't have to go out of the way AND THEN THE CONTRACTOR FLIPPED OUT, bc he wanted to go somewhere on the way to the Port of Miami, which wasn't what I had planned.
Contractor whined and cried, and raged, and I didn't understand that he wanted to go to his "friend's" house to chill ax, and hang for a couple days. I had all that cargo going to the island... it was a solid plan to include the golf cart in that chaos, and we needed it..... it was the right thing to do, but contracter was refusing to go, and also in control of the electrictian.
I should have just let him quit, bc he would have laughed, pretended it was a joke, and fallen in line. I would have a golf cart on the island, and not have been firmly on the path of watching my boundaries get stomped, one after the other, at least not in the way I set up through that action.
And I feel much better about it all right now.
Finally enforcing boundaries was necessary... even though I hated it, and didn't do it quite my way... it had to happen. I wish I hand't allowed that first boundary transgression. I wish I'd have gray rocked better, at every moment, and selected my battles more carefully.
The first big problem on the island was over laundry.... a 10 minute walk to the marina, in 100 degree weather, carrying dirty laundry, the contractor dogging my every step, every day, every where I went.... I wanted to get the laundry into the machines and keep moving. HE wanted his laundry separate from thngs he considered icky... rugs, for instance. I should have let him figure out what went in which machine... what did I care? I cared. I put a rug in with his things, and he took it out and threw it at my head and face... hit me pretty hard, but what he did next was worse. He stomped out of the laundry center, whining, and fuming, and started texting me....
he was quitting. He was leaving the island. He was done. He had to go.
I texted back that I'd moved the laundry around... he was right... I figured out how to sort the laundry more efficiently, and wished he'd stayed to help, blah blah... no big deal. I would be back with clean laundry soon.... carry it myself in the heat.... laugh it off, no problem.... hitting me with the rug was no big deal... didn't notice... martial artist so I didn't even register it, blah blah... talked him out of his tree, as they say.
He wanted to go snorkeling WITH me, and was preparing to do it. The helper, who was contractor's lacky, and whipping boy, was very upset about C's upset, and trying to make peace... chatting me up like a little monkey out of nerves... he'd made C promise not to DO this, on pain of leaving the island if C made trouble like this, and then C began pacing around us.... I should have sensed he was building up to take center stage...again.
The next thing you know he's picking a fight with sweet unicorn hippy helper, pushes him into a post, hard, then grabs him by the throat, chokes him and has a death grip on his chin hairs.... I took a hammer OUT of C's hand during the struggle.... I remember screaming at him to let go..... I didn't strike him. It didn't ocur to me to strike him. He let go. Helper very angry... shouting C crazy.... he left and went to the other island.... I'm alone with C who's now crying he fucked up... hurt the only person he cares about blah blah.... and then he decides it's not really HIS fault at all.
"It's MY fault", he begins whining.......
I DO that TO him. It's MY fault... he sees it clearly now.
I should have gone snorkeling THEN, when he wanted, bc the tide was just right (bullshit) and he's not taking any responsibility at this point.
The truth was he wasn't getting attention, was jealous for 5 minutes, and decided he was going to PUNISH me and the helper, and was entitled to punish us. I suspect the punishment would have been the same for a minute transgression or 5 minute transgression... he wanted to make things OK after hitting me with the rug. He wanted to seal the deal where he was off the hook, and could feel OK again. THAT was his goal.
He says he's leaving the island... has to go.... I agree, and want to make that reservation... I think. I'd have done it, if he'd really asked.... it was so terrible..... I remember talking about what we were building... a place for both our families to go and make memories, an amazing feat.... and he calmed down, and agreed to stay after crying quite a bit. He cried a lot, now that I think about it. Not just that day. I went to my room, and when I came back out the next morning the chin hairs were all cleaned off the floor, and drunken helper was asleep on the sofa, safe.
Unicorn helper was quiet for days, but stayed. Eventually he shifted back into his placating posture with C, but he stayed away from me like I had the plague. I was the problem, of course I was. C killed the unicorn, is how it felt. I think I was talking about tye dyed socks, and a t shirt I liked when C decided to go full nutjob on us. In any case, I didn't deserve it. The unicorn didn't deserve it, but I wasn't so wise about choosing my battle that day. I wasn't so wise about being proactive with C regarding something he had his heart set on, and would have gotten everything back on track for the day.
In the end, I surprised C by filing for the TPO... he didn't think I would, and sneered and jeered about my making threats... he texted "the best you can do is kill me..." crazy.
Then he's in court, and I'm in court, and he has the unicorn by his side, and a very uncomfortable real estate attorney who knows nothing about being in front of a Judge. He sits with C and unicorn, instead of joining the other attorneys at the front tables.
I'm alone, and my attorney pops in close to lunch, about the time the Judge calls our case. The rest doesn't matter. I'm in my element then. I'm protected. I have support, my attorney is smart about separating us, so the stress is gone. I'm in a room two floors down.... there are deputies, and I'm pretty sure I'd win if C actually tried to hurt me.... I've been ready to defend myself. I wouldn't hesitate. C would be surprised. That would be a mistake.
So I'm dealing with the situation without fear, I have confidence, my frontal lobe is fully engaged, and I'm getting the deal I want, and I also get the TPO..... I don't have to go back in front of the Judge.... C does, and he almost blows it. His attorney knows enough to step in, speak for C, and get the deal done. I haven't heard a word from C since his "friend" who owns the place we stopped in at for a couple days at the beginning of that safari, has had words and eyes on C.
I know C showed his friend all the texts, which C, up to that point felt were PROOF of my vileness, and reason to harm me.... his friend saw them, saw his freind, heard his friend, and C never texted, called, or showed up again. His friend, who I happen to like, and know is a very stable sane fellow, talked him into understanding how serious the situation was, bc that was the end of that.
I will say this.... C's group of he man woman hater drinkingbuddies, one of which was his attorney that day in court, all believe that I deserved to be threatened with a knife, bc I wasn't "giving C enough empathy" for an injured finger. My attorney understood the level of crazy we were dealing with after she heard that. After she showed them all the e mails I'd copied, and provided, she showed the other attorney how little fun he'd have if he actually took any of this to court.
Now, I get to worry about the C sabotaging my vehicles, my home, my children, and dog.... I get to wonder if any strange chemical odors I notice are about him, or the In Laws, or something the girls are up to, or just my imagination.
This is what I get to do... I get to notice my internal world, assess it, calm myself down if necessary, make sure my problem solving skills are accessible, and talk myself out of my trees as needed.
THAT'S what I get to do.
::NOD::.
That's my job.
Having many tools in my centering toolbox is my job.
Remembering to use them, and stop DOING when I can't get back to center... is my job.
Figuring out how to protect myself, when I'm off center, is my job.
Asking for space and time is my job, bc I'm not powerless. I'm not without skills, and awareness. Not anymore.
Whew... I'm holding my breath a lot. Must remember to breath.
It's that first boundary transgression you have to catch.. I have to catch. The very first one. Allowing the second is the mistake that leads to misery, IME.
Lighter
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I'm not engaged in my life right now. I'm not happy or sad, or struggling.... well... it's sometimes a struggle to remain non judgemental. It sometimes knocks me off my pegs, and I have to catch it quick, put my finger on it, and watch it recede.
Another note:
I try not to share my history. I've learned, it's best not to, but I did last week, and the gal texted the next morning to call her. I did. She was up all night, thinking of the book she wants to write about my story. She wants to help women, and children with it, and can't I see that with her?
This was call for intense discomfort, and I know how words get screwed around, and it's not easy to SAY how something really was. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever done, frankly, and I want to say that I haven't told my story in a very long while, and maybe never quite like that, bc of experience, and wisdom.... less emotion, more knowing what was important, and especially keying into the pieces that this gal had experienced during her nightmare divorce, with a child in the middle. She wants me to record it... more discomfort, just the thought of it.
We had a lot in common regarding litigation, unfortunately. She got it. I think I hurt her feelings when I didn't jump in, with both feet, and get excited, but I didn't. I don't think she's a writer, and I don't think I can write that book.
I think she wants to be a writer.
I think she has a vision for helping others, which I GET, but I have that thin uncomfortable feeling about it.
I have lots of decisions coming up. Things I'm not particularly good at. The idea of writing a book actually looks kind of OK, when I think about these other things, and that worries me. I'd hate to choose anything, bc I hate the alternatives so much. I'm not doing anything right now, in any case. I'm just paying attention.
Lighter
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That "thin, uncomfortable feeling...."
Trust it.
Hops
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Hi Hops:
The writer gal just shared the chapter of her book, written during her stay on the island.
I'm shocked, truthfully.
She leads with imagery.
Lots and lots of imagery....
about trash. :shock:
Trash on the beach near my place. :shock:
Trash on the beach in front of my cottage. :shock:
Trash on in the yard, in tree roots, under larger trash. :shock:
I finally had to laugh...
so.. much... trash.
For a second, I thought she might be joking, honestly.
And about the time I started laughing, she connected the trash on the beach to the trash found around her father's body, after coon hunters discover him, after he's washed up on the bank of the river he fell into after shooting himself in the head. She writes that the trash, on the island, and on the bank of that river, look identical to her.
There was a flip flop, in particular, she refers to through the chapter. It could have been her father's flip flop. One he wore. One by his body. One on the beach that perhaps he wore IF he had escaped his fate, moved to the island and lived without her. She wishes she could find him, an old man now, like Hemingway, and forgive him for leaving her. Tell him it's OK that he found an escape, even if it meant he couldn't be with her. Talk to him, then slap him for leaving her. She's conflicted, and it's heartbreaking to read.
I forgot about the trash for a minute, it was so sad.
Then, on the final pages, she brings it back to trash.
This time she's describing "beautiful garbage" she's found at the "abandoned shack" down the beach from the cottage. It's interesting garbage, I admit, since I always ignore the cottage, and the squatter. Lawn mowers under a rusted out fridge, next to burned pots, juxtaposed against the turquoise waters of the Atlantic..... she's snapping away, taking pictures, loving everything about this, when the squatter, I swear I told her about weeks before her trip, makes his appearance, startling her and her friend quite badly.
At this point, in the chapter, she stopped writing, which was frustrating, bc I KNOW what happens next. I'm curious how she's going to write about it. Really.
The long and the short of it, was the guy tried to tell her she had something in her teeth.... he tried to use his finger to get it OFF her teeth, like a child might, and his finger was in her mouth before she could react. Action IS faster than reaction, always has been.
::nodding::.
When she finally tells me the story, we were standing in her kitchen enjoying a glass of wine while dinner's cooking. I'd waited for 2 weeks to hear this story, btw. She'd texted the first morning she was at the cottage.... "the squatter had tried to touch her friend, then had touched her."
Then she went black ops. NOTHING more. :shock: She leaves me hanging with only those words.
So, she's telling this story in her kitchen, stops talking, and starts acting out what happens after he pops up, and focuses ON HER. She lifts her land, as though it's HIS hand, and moves it toward her face. She's moving really slowly, btw.... so slowly I'm shocked when she points one finger at her open mouth, and continues slowly heading that way..... and then it hits me! He puts his finger INTO her mouth, and this seems so funny to me!
My knees give out, and I'm trying not to pee myself on her kitchen floor in fit of giggles.
HOW... did he manage to get... his fingers IN... and I look up, try to ask... How? and off we go on another round of giggles. Over and over again.
Now... I don't understand WHY this happened TO her. I do understand it happened, and it strikes me as hysterically funny, bc it happened at this super slow pace. While the guy was chattering away like a monkey at her... about what he was doing. Trying to DO something. In her mouth.
I was worried he touched her sexually, or violently, but this slow, gentle movement INTO her mouth... with one finger, like a baby trained to touch things with "one finger" which is what my mother trained all her Grandchildren to do.....
just... very childlike... the way she was portraying it.... and so darned slow, and non threatening.
Turns out she had a big hunk of lipstick between her front teeth, and he was trying to help her. She figured it out when she saw herself in the mirror at the marina, where the dock master explained the squatter wasn't a dangerous guy... he was just a guy who chose to squat in a shack with a million dollar view. He has family who bring him food, would provide housing for him, and a nice bed.
So, once we get over the giggles, find our wine glasses, and move ourselves in front of the fire to call my sister, share the story, and giggle again, SHE TELLS ME HER FRIEND ARMED HERSELF WITH A BIG BOARD and prepared to bash the squatter in the back of the head IF he moved in an aggressive manner.
This is such a familiar place.... me worrying about things I have no control over, but feel responsible for. I mean... I give a wide birth to that shack, with the squatter, and his whistling animal noises as I pass. How can I control what Airbnb renters do, or don't do? Or what the squatter does, for that matter? I can't.
This is a very familiar feeling... trying to control things that aren't within my control. I can't control the squatter, or Airbnb renters, or their response to the squatter, who's harmless, but appears unwashed, and odd... particularly if he pops out unexpectedly, or whistles from the shadows of the shack as you pass while shell seeking your way down the beach, children in tow, or if the renters seek him out, or if he seeks them out.
I know everyone is thinking SELL THE PLACE! Go! Run... NOWWWWWWW!
And my feelings around that are.... not positive, timeline wise. I know I won't enjoy it, and it won't be over quickly, but that's the plan, to enter into an agreement with a crooked realtor, who jerks me around terribly, gives me lists of things to do, then blames me when it doesn't sell in a timely manner, and offers to give it away to one of her friends, who offers to take it off my hands for half what it's worth, which is what I did with the condo on Beech Mountain. God, I hated that place, very hard to find workers and get materials to that job site too. I will put the cottage on the market, while trying not to upset my island renter, perhaps offering him money to help show the place, and more if he finds the buyer, or helps get it sold, but....
I feel like my embracing my inability to control this, or anything, would be helpful. Releasing the desire to know what comes next, would be helpful. Accepting that all worldly material things are meaningless, and this too shall pass... would be helpful.
Thoughts?
Lighter
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Wow, Lighter, you have such a colourful life! Wow. So much going on.
I'm very out of my depth with real estate/financial matters so I'm not sure my thoughts on the situation will be of any help. But - for what it's worth -
Is the squatter on your land or just somewhere nearby? If he's on your land then it will likely be an issue but if he isn't then it's really no different to trying to control what their meal is like in a nearby restaurant or whether or not the weather is nice when they stay.
Personally I value quiet, calm, drama free, stress free living over material possessions all day long - but I don't know how to suggest that is cultivated in other people. I don't know, maybe you could try putting a price on the stress and hassle and time that something causes you and see if that makes it still seem valuable? Like how much money would feel like enough to make the stress worthwhile, or the time involved sorting everything out and so on? I don't know if that makes sense - I might have misunderstood what you said about accepting wordly things are meaningless means you want to get rid of the place?
And do you mean you're definitely selling or thinking about doing it? Have you got someone staying in it at the minute or is it empty? Personally I'm a fan of streamlining and simplifying, whichever form that takes. I think you deserve some peace and quiet in your life, Lighter. And some fun! For no other reason than it's fun :) xx
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Tupp:
There's a squatter living a ways down the beach, in a shack, between my cottage and the marina. It appears abandoned, but it's not. Anyone walking by is drawn to look at it... it's interesting, but the squatter will engage if given a chance. That makes me feel bad to write, but he told my sister and her dd that he owned the marina AND wanted to do some kissin with my niece.
::shaking head::. Nothing aggressive, but... kissing? He's unwashed, and rather wild in appearance. Think castaway with heavy dirt caked dreadlocks.... and you have it.
I think you're right about putting a price on the trouble and chaos this place brings to my life. That's a good way to approach a sales price.
I have a local living in the guest house, and he's employed elsewhere, handling security, meeting workers, hiring workers, and overseeing some of the work. He meets visitors when he can, and I'm trying to get him involved in handling housekeeping. He already handles opening up the storm shutters, and handing off keys, and does a good job with that. I have a yearly contract with him so he can't claim squatter's rights, which was a consideration.
Maybe I'll put a long term renter in the cottage, and pay them to show it to possible buyers. That way there'll be consistent dollars coming in, someone THERE all the time, and no worries about pubic hairs, dead bugs, and dusty baseboards with Airbnb renter reviews. I wonder if I could rent out ONE of the bedrooms, and still have family use it when they want. Honestly... it sounds like more chaos. It IS more chaos.
About the excitement.... I long for tranquility, and peace. This kind of excitement creates anxiety.
My girls are doing OK right now. Oldest dd just had a rough patch... I didn't know what it was, and struggled to listen, and be present without trying to fix, or name it. As the days went on, I pulled back, told her trusted her, she should trust her instincts, and I'd support her in any way she felt she needed. Amazingly, she flipped back to her old self, and now I'm focused on doing things WITH her when I try to speak to her, side by side. One day it was designing functional pugwear. We made a duct tape form of her chubby little body... SO CUTE! That's the kind of excitement I'm up for; )
Today I paid attention to how music affected interaction with her. It was very helpful, and dd agreed music is a social lubricant.... if only bc it's a distraction. If you read the article you'll see it's much more than that, and I tend to agree.
Thanks again for advice on putting a price on troubles with property. VERY helpful!
Lighter
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That's nice that DD pulled herself back without mum having to tell her what to do :) You've taught her well, Lighter :)
Maybe brainstorm all possible scenarios for the beach house. I work much better with everything on paper, in front of me. When big stuff is going on I have mind maps all over the wall; it helps me think and helps me see connections and work out potential problems. So maybe work through all the possible scenarios and see what comes out as best for you - you personally, not the kids, other family members, financial matters, history, work already done and so on, but just what would be easiest and simplest for you. And it might be that option isn't a practical one but at least it will give you an idea of what you really need and want at the moment and maybe you can then find an option that doesn't take you too far off that path? I don't know what (if any) legal or financial ramifications there might be with any of it but I do think you deserve some peace and relaxation rather than another problem to keep solving so I hope there is a way for the situation to become an easier one for you xx
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Mind maps! For ME, not everyone else!
That looks wrong, to read it, but it also looks like relief.
Thanks for that, Tupp.
Very helpful.
Lighter
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Tupp,
I don't want to write you such long things these days that it feels like work to respond. Really. I totally hear you about the depth of fatigue you're trying to relieve, and would rather you were napping than answering my questions. So this is just to say, I am so here, so glad you're here, and so interested.
If you just write "Got it, Hops" I'm totally content.
love
Hops
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Hi Tupp:
I'm glad you're excavating fear. Old fear. Present fear.
What's real,
What's relevant.
What's not.
Time to refile it.
Yup.
It's time.
Lighter
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I'm really really hungry lately. I mean, I used to get the afternoon/evening hungries, but now..... it's more often. More extreme.
Last night I sat down with oldest dd and mentioned it in passing.
DD's response....
"There's a pig in your head."
I was intrigued, and asked her to go on.
She said it was from our hunger gatherer days.... brains programed to reward us for maximizing grazing opportunities, which no longer serve bc food's everywhere now.
I understood that before the pig comment, but the pig comment really drove the point home.... thinking of it as something OTHER than ME, driving me to eat things that aren't good for me, when I'm not hungry, makes it easier to skip the shame, and guilt, IME.
Hops, I'm really enjoying how flat my sheets come off the drying rack. Clothes too. There's something special about not having to pull clean dry clothing out of crumpled balls, and try to fold them.
I was purchasing organic dish washing machine soap for a while, and made it halfway through the bottle before my glasses were so milky/cruddy I feared the machine was on the fritze.
I purchased the Cascade Actionpacs, with 16X the cleaning power, and glasses are crystal clear again.
I've been flushing the toilet with brown water from the bathwater, which is also very satisfying.
The moss is amazing, and thick. I'm looking forward to having more fun playing in it this Spring. It's windy today. And chilly.
Oldest dd will spend the weekend with friends at their college. That's a six hour drive to drop her, and a six hour drive to pick her up. I'm looking forward to touring the campus, then splitting. Youngest has a very full schedule, so will be busy at home. Her newly formed band is playing PAINT IT BLACK at a club Saturday night, then I'm back in the car on Sunday. I'll let you guys know how the gig goes; )
Lighter
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[moved this over from Tupp's Dark Side thread]
I'm really glad you decided to be loving to your Aunt, Lighter. Kindness never backfires, and sacrificing some bully-bonding with Uncle is so worth it.
I think you've had to deal with a lot in life through warrior forcefulness. Yet it sounds as though your Aunt was just feeling sad and overlooked. The teasing and jabs and jibes aren't her language. She's way overpowered. Yet there's nothing condescending about kindness. Your Uncle may be smarter and sharper. But perhaps there's a deeper heart than you've been noticing in her. Maybe all in all, her vulnerability doesn't make her a lesser person. Just someone who needs more cherishing.
We all do. And you deserve it too. Not because you can out-strategize, outwit, out-lead or out-fight others. Just because you're you, and you deserve real love. Not confusing toxic stuff. The real thing. You don't have to earn it, win it, or know a secret brain formula for how to get it. You can have it right now if you give it to yourself. You will. One day you'll wake up with gentle compassion and affection for yourself, the little girl within you, suffusing your whole self. It'll be beautiful
Hugs
Hops
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The gig sounds very exciting, Lighter, how did it go? I like the idea of the Pig in your head as well, that's quite a good name for a band, too! I hope it settles a bit; I go through phases where I want to eat everything in sight and it isn't good! Lol xx
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Tupp:
The "gig" was a travesty, at least in DD's mind. I do think she'll do it again, but taking more leadership, and reigning in the group... at least with respect to choosing songs ahead, and practicing plenty before hand. She can't please everyone AND herself. Really good lessons, IMO.
Ya... the Pig in our heads. Mostly I let him have his way with me, then go back to eating as well as I can after he's released his grip. The In Law thing, maybe, has the Pig hanging on. I see that. I'm not going to worry about it, bc it won't help. When I feel better, I'll do better.
DD 18 begins seeing an Eating Disorder professional soon. She chose it. She made the appointment. I think that will bring good information into the home, honestly. Food goes in and out of being a trauma for us. Time to see what that's about, and face it. ::NOD::>
Lighter
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[moved this over from Tupp's Dark Side thread]
I'm really glad you decided to be loving to your Aunt, Lighter. Kindness never backfires, and sacrificing some bully-bonding with Uncle is so worth it. Absolutely! I agree: )
I think you've had to deal with a lot in life through warrior forcefulness. Yet it sounds as though your Aunt was just feeling sad and overlooked. The teasing and jabs and jibes aren't her language. She's way overpowered. Yet there's nothing condescending about kindness. Your Uncle may be smarter and sharper.I don't think any of us are smarter or sharper. She's smart in her own ways... we all are. What she is..... is completely humorless. Zilch. Nada. And she knows it.
She talks about it. She's maybe a bit bitter about it, and wishes it could be different, but she's stuck, and that being stuck is where we gently prod her. I think she'd join in the chuckles IF she had any sense of humor at all. I think her feeling she's not good enough is baggage from her childhood, bc she's a warrior who basically raised 4 younger sisters while her alcoholic, foul mouthed abusive mother slept her way through too many men, instead of parenting, then died a terrible slow death in the living room while the daughters nursed her angry, vindictive, abusive soul through it. Just terrible, and we're not cruel.... we're playing around her, and beckoning her to come play with us! She's trapped, and we all know it. Meeting her where she is.... is her comfort zone, and that means not using humor around her, or beckoning her to play. It breaks my heart that she's walled off there, in that terrible childhood place she couldn't escape. But perhaps there's a deeper heart than you've been noticing in her. I'd like to think I've always been aware of that deeper heart, and that I've loved her for it. I think that's true. She lived with us when i was maybe.... 14yo, and we hung out all the time. She taught me to eat chocolate cake in a glass, covered in milk, with extra icing on top. And you know what? We laughed together then.
Now that I'm grown, I think she sees herself as not good enough. She was more comfortable with me when i was a child.
I sometimes feel that way myself, and would split off from an adult party, and dance with the kids. It's easier to let our guards down around children. It's easier to let children see us, if we believe we're flawed, IME. Aunt always talks about feeling not good enough, comparing herself to my mother, which was set up by family dynamics.... my mother was the golden child.... and Aunt and Uncle had to listen to stories about AMAZING majorette, model, Miss Ohio, blah blah blah sister who had twins, then worked at B line fashions, etc, and Uncle just wasn't on his parent's radar. All that is wrong, and untrue, and I'm more like my Aunt and Uncle than I ever was like my mother, IMO. My mother didn't have a close relationship with her brother, or her SIL.... she didn't have the relationship I enjoy. None of us had a close relationship with my mother, and we all share that, frankly. I think Aunt somehow thinks of me as an extension of my mom, in my adulthood, and that's the river between us.... that's where the laughter drowned. Maybe all in all, her vulnerability doesn't make her a lesser person. Just someone who needs more cherishing. She deserves to be cherished, and I agree.... she's not a lesser person. She never has been. She's dog tired of my trying to convince her, so I'll just keep meeting her where she lives.... and being patient. I hope she starts laughing again. We'd all appreciate it.
We all do. And you deserve it too. Not because you can out-strategize, outwit, out-lead or out-fight others. Just because you're you, and you deserve real love. Thanks, Hops. I wonder if I believe that.... at every level. Not confusing toxic stuff. The real thing. You don't have to earn it, win it, or know a secret brain formula for how to get it. I don't have to, but I think that's how I end up in toxic relationships... I believe I do, or I'm pathologically driven to PROVE I'm worthy. I see that, as a pattern. I've stopped. I want to see what comes next: )You can have it right now if you give it to yourself. You will. One day you'll wake up with gentle compassion and affection for yourself, the little girl within you, suffusing your whole self. It'll be beautiful I'd like to feel that's evolving for me now. Just acceptance, without judgement, and being OK with my good, my bad, and my ugly. It's me.... all of it. And I'm leaning into being OK with it, bc not being OK isn't working... it's not helpful, or useful, or working for me. I think I'll try something else for a while: )
Don't know if this makes sense, but I was in a chaotic situation yesterday, and it occurred to me that IF I HAD TO I could defend myself, and that felt empowering. I didn't worry about it, or fret over it, or do what I usually do.... mentally wring m y hands over fears, I just knew, and I was happy to know, and felt like a resource I can count on.... for myself, and those I love.
I think I've felt.... for over 10 years, that being able to handle myself/defend myself and vulnerable others was toxic, and harmful.... certainly it was presented as reason I should be imprisoned for 30 years.... and that's been a process to dismantle the fear around it. I'm OK with it, today, which is new. I haven't worried recently about anything to do with that.... and there were plenty of things that worried me. I just know, and there's peace, and calm around it now, where there wasn't before.
Thanks for the response, Hops.
Lighter
Hugs
Hops
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MIL sent 3 Valentine cards to oldest dd.... they arrived 3 days in a row. MIL prints off the one letter, with a few changes, prints, deploys. Busy busy busy. DD is having none of it. No interest.
Watching Trump in the news is like watching my husband, and the ILs operate. Very similar posturing, over the top lies delivered with straight faces, with heavy expectations for getting their way.
::shudder::
Lighter
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So my oldest dd began seeing a new T today, and I was relieved, grateful, and terribly anxious all at the same time about it.
WHile we were shopping for groceries at the local food coop, a man was taking photos of us with his phone, and trying to be sneaky about it. I didn't find out until this evening when I saw a photo of me on my sister's phone, and asked why she took it. She zeroed in on the guy in the back ground, said she caught him taking photos, and took a photo of him, which prompted him to drop his phone to his lap, and look away. I'm glad she didn't tell me about it then, though I would have paid attention to where he went, and what he was driving, had I known.
Now, I'm not saying it was something nefarious, but I am saying it's odd timing with my MIL sending letter after letter to our address, and to my father's farm. That's a lot interest, IME. At least 5 letters I know about, and likely more. Maybe he's an ammature photographer.... taking sneaky photos with his phone..... sure. That's it.
Also, oldest dd was out of school again today. This guy has photos to prove it.
Lighter
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Lighter, I'm sorry you've got this going on again. I know in similar situations with my mum I was a bag of nerves; it feels as though everyone and everything around you could be a problem. People photographing others without their knowledge is weird and unacceptable, whatever the reasons behind it. I don't know whether it's better that he's doing it for your MIL or if he's just a regular pervert??!! Neither are good options, are they? Is it worth notifying the police, just to be on the safe side? I don't know how proactive they are in the US. Here, they did nothing at all when my mum was taking pics of my son outside a shop, I don't know if your police might at least file a report even if they don't investigate. Can/has DD told grandparents she's not interested and not to contact again? Again I don't know the situation over there - here kids are considered capable of decision making at 12 in family cases (although courts can over-ride their decisions) and by 16 onwards they'd definitely be considered capable of deciding what they want to do. I'm just wondering if DD telling them no might have an effect. It looks a bit like they know they're in their final throes and are trying to get a foot back in the door (my mum did the same with son turning 16 last year. Interestingly, after telling all and sundry that I stole money from him for years, when I wrote to her last year returning her cheque and telling her I wouldn't be accepting it because I didn't want to lay myself open to any more allegations, she didn't tell a soul. As far as anyone else is concerned I took the money. Funny how they change things to suit themselves). Anyway - I'm rambling. Sorry to not be more help. It's very difficult when the harassment is (a) difficult to prove and (b) isn't taken as a serious thing in its own way, despite the harm and upset it causes. Whatever is going on, I hope things settle down for you soon xx
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Hi Tupp:
I went by the food coop and asked if anyone knew the guy taking photos. I just said I'd lost his card, and did they know if he was a regular. No one recognized him. I don't think I'll contact the police, but it's an idea. Could bring the letters, the final CUSTODY/VISITATION ORDER, the TPO, and the letters MIL wrote that pretty much sum up who she is, without having to say it myself, which appeals to me very much.
This morning there have been 2 thumps from my second floor.... I checked the first time, and found an open window, so assumed wind blew something over. The second thump... which sounded like an animal, maybe opossum sized, jumping down from a bit of a height.... the thump of front paws closely followed by back paws, which I don't believe it IS. Just saying... that was the sound. Nothing hard or sharp or wood hitting the floor. Honestly, there's heating duct at that point, and it could have been from there even.
Since the Pug baby girl isn't concerned, I'm thinking there's nothing animal or alive in the house, so still wondering... could be something dropping on roof, many large trees with a bit of a breeze, and rain.....but it sounds closer than the roof.
Could be animal in garage.... sometimes birds, and chipmunks get stuck for a minute. It happens. Could be a hawk?
With that, I'm just not worrying about the man taking photos, or the noise, just noticing how it feels to notice them. My heart rate didn't go up at the first thumps.... the second thumps, however, made my hands shake. ::sigh:: I'm not sure why, exactly, that did it, when the first did not. Hmmm.
I'm pretty steady, and it's a relief to feel I've dropped expectations... just ready for whatever comes, with belief I'll handle it, whatever it is.
I'm considering moving into a smaller space, and renting out this house. I won't need it once oldest dd is at college, AND I'd like to pare down, like you're talking about. I think it might take upheaval like that to purge stuff. I have to do it at my father's as well. Radical change is sounding better and better right now.
Both girts need their wisdom teeth out, minimal, this summer, with maybe another procedure as well... tonsils.
I don't think I'll ask oldest dd18 to write to her Grandparents. I've forgotten the ILs, for now. Neither dd is interested in connecting with them. They seem to understand what they are. I've emotionally pulled documents to SHOW them, should they forget. I'm not putting time into actually putting my hands on all those documents, but have a file with MIL's letter offering up her son's baby hair to prove the girls weren't his. Utter nonsense, but how she's compartmentalized the children in order to do the harm she's done.
Actually, I have many letters in that file, pulled from the Assistant District Attorney's files, which maaaayyyybe I'm not supposed to have? Not sure, but the private detective I hired to get those files said she got a little time to comb through, and pulled the things we didn't already have, so everything is scattered, out of order, and just thrown into a file folder after hours of printing, helter skelter. I'm just ready to be done looking at that stuff, and I know you know what I mean. There are many strange letters from family, and mistresses. Ready to file it, and maybe put it in a safe deposit box, out of my space.
::nodding::.
Just so ready, Tupp.
When you have son's situation comfortable, and steady... maybe you can visit the cottage for a while. The idea of sleeping with windows open, breeze blowing through, cold white wine shimmering in the moonlight, with a little fire oceanside on the patio brings peaceful thoughts. Maybe you could Airbnb your place out while you're gone? So many moving parts, but they're out moving parts, eh. I can picture Amazon ceremonies.... releasing old energy..... making room for new.
::nodding::.
Lighter
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They can't get you.
They can't hurt you any more.
They
really
can't.
You have built your mossy, peaceful place and you are safe.
You
really
are.
love
Hops
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OK, Hops.
They can't get me anymore.
Lighter
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DD graduates this year. I'm feeling warm and fuzzy about touching photos, selecting ones that remind me of our best days....the ones I love, and creating something special for grad announcements. My hands will tell me what to choose, what to add and what to take inspiration from. I love mixed media, and handmade papers. I look forward to turning around and finding myself surrounded by art supplies without realizing I put my hands on them. I like being in the zone, playing in colors, and textures, and I have new water color pencils I haven't tried yet.
I'm on a roller coaster right now, trying to spend more time feeling steady than I spend feeling overwhelmed, and doing pretty OK with it. As I look at the process now, I realize I spend more time feeling flat, than up or down, and I have quite a bit of discomfort with it.
Lots of decisions coming up, and maybe big projects.... all with at least some risks. Risk of choosing poorly, and having to live with the consequences... I judge myself very harshly, and that needs some attention.
I guess lack of self trust is something I'm noticing. Something I deal with next, and I'm not afraid of it. Honestly, I think I'm, maybe..... bored with the idea of getting there, and dealing with it? Maybe bored is the wrong word.
I think i'm framing it wrong, for myself. Maybe.
The frame I'm holding has "Oh, for fuck's sake" written on it, and has an emotional exhaustion.... component... I can't quite put my finger on. Not just exhaustion, but frustration too. Something more, too.
I don't multi task well, and maybe i'm attempting to shift from old living/thinking into new.... and I'm not managing it the way I'm going about it.
I don't think I can sustain the old vigilance, patterns AND add new one at the same time... and I think I haven't seen that pattern clearly.
Hyper vigiliance was helpful and useful. There's no room for it any more. At least not at that level.
I suspect letting it go requires honoring and mourning it.
Putting it to rest.
Whatever comes next needs it's own space. Old stuff has to go.
I'm going to get a lovely cup of coffee, and contemplate photos, and theme for grad announcement while trying to remain mindful of what I'm feeling.
Lighter
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Buncha research, I read somewhere, has shown that multi-tasking is actually not peak performance, and instead drains the mind and takes the edge off pleasures and talents. So bravo for not being great at it!
There are times when we have no choice, but when we can do flow, as you are with art (invites)...flow's a much better, happier way to be a human being.
Glad you had hypervigilance available when it was a must, but keeping it around will just amp you on adrenalin and predispose you to illness. My own D developed Addison's disease and has about a quarter of one adrenal gland left.
Happy for you and DD about this threshold in her life. That's wonderful!
xo
Hops
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Present for ya, Lighter:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD9gSM2c-JY
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Thanks for your response, Hops:
I was never a great multi tasker on my best day. SEEING what I've been trying to juggle over the years is way helpful in determining what's not working, and what needs to go.
I can tell you, I've opened the garage door in this house for years, and could have opened onto zombies or a shootout without too much surprise. Maybe any. I think I would have rolled, or slipped or ducked without shock, or much adrenaline. Maybe a..... feeling of....
finally.
I first noticed that finally feeling in 2009.... heading into 2010. That first time something, that used to send alarm, and shock through me, didn't. Instead I just felt.... finally.
Finally, what's coming will happen. It was a huge departure from how my nervous system handled threat up to that point. I'd go from seated to standing without realizing it. Amygdala hijacking my system, and acting.
THIS, I realize now.... this FINALLY thing.... was my amygdala NOT hijacking my system. It was either fatigued or I'd come to some kind of terms with reality.... acceptance.... no longer struggling to understand.... making peace with it, and knowing I'd handle it, whatever it was, and believing I could. Death himself could have walked in the door, and I would have been expecting him, and unafraid. That's not something I ever felt I'd feel, but I'm thinking it was necessary to get through, and on with life.
I'll sort that into pieces soon. Right now I'm riding a wave of energy in the kitchen.... it feels like sacred space as I light the pine incense, and little candles in candle holders I loved when I found, and collected them. Sometimes I don't even see them, Hops. Sometimes I'm clutter AND comfort blind. It's that state of paralysis, and I'm sorting those pieces too.
I stopped to enjoy a lovely salad, and it didn't slow my brain down, which certain foods will do.
So, back to tidying: )
I'll watch the tiny house link when I slow down, ((Hops)).
Thanks,
Lighter
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OK, so choices.
I'm walking the pug baby, and she pulls me under and through some Hemlock trees, her chosen preference for walking humans. I have to snap off a couple little twigs that might otherwise stab my eyes out. I notice how much I worry about eyes, and teeth. It was a dry thin twig, and took only a little force, but the recoil snapped BAM and surprised me. I look to see why thumb is screaming at me, and see an odd break in the skin. Very small. Very circular. You can see layers of skin pulled back like a bullyseye.... very odd. Never seen anything like it, and I've had a lot of little painful breaks in skin. OK. Wow. SO PAINFUL. Then a tiny bead of blood appears. OK. Then it blooms into more blood. OK. It was like the recoil smacked a hole in the surface tension of my skin, and that must be was happens when the force of a bomb hits a person, concusses a body, and that's when it struck me. I don't have to let that pain, and line of thought keep going. I can act, and make my thumb feel better by running the meridian backwards at that point. I did it. Felt better, but more than that I don't have to let that negative train of thought continue, I don't really need thoughts like that in my head. I prefer not to have them there. I consciously go back to focus on the Pug, and yard, which I enjoy.
I'm repairing a big patch of moss oldest DD slipped, and dislodged when things were freezing weeks ago. A big patch, maybe 2X1, and then I was muttering under my breath, again, about her not caring to replace it herself, she walks by it several times a day, it's right by the stairs she walks down from the deck, why was I the only one who cared? Why don't the girls care, then stopped. Again. And chose to latch on to more positive thoughts.
I get back in the house, and begin stripping beds, and shower curtains. I look forward to making everything clean, which is walking meditation restored, again, like yesterday's, and I'm noticing and enjoying that. Then I notice the big orange baby man's in the news, and bless his little heart, he so reminds me of just about every aspect of dealing with an ASPD that I'm once again muttering under my breath. OY. Really? THIS is a pattern, this muttering under my breath, and allowing my focus to be hijacked.
I turn the TV OFF, and go back to working. I prefer the positive frame of mind. I notice it when it's disturbed, and hope I'll notice and correct when I'm under more stress.
I don't want to go through my life with no control over my thoughts. I don't want negativity to be my default, nope nope nope.
Back to sheets..... keeping blood off the white sheets... jeesh.... getting a bandaid..... back to happy work.
Flow, Hops: )
::nodding::.
Lighter
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Wow, Lighter.
You SIMPLIFIED it.
Simply noticed the direction and tone of the thoughts and redirected yourself.
I am so impressed. Three times.
Extended, intentional self-love! (I am inspired...)
Bravo, you!
Hops
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You SIMPLIFIED it.
Simply noticed the direction and tone of the thoughts and redirected yourself.
Hops
Yup yup yup, Hops.
::nodding::.
Just like a toddler; )
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It sure sounds very interesting.....I have six kids....my first 4 went to Catholic school....same as myself....I am sorry I ever let the kids go to Catholic school.....I had 12 years of it....mind control so much of it....your always a sinner and going to hell for normal kids things we all did.
This sounds like a great thing for kids...Mindfullness....
We all do this best we can.....I believe children of Narcs......not having real role models to follow makes life hard when we don't see healthy
I know my T says I wouldn't know normal if I fell over it.....
We just all try our best......
Bettyanne
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So, I'm at ALDI'S 3 minutes before they open.... looking for a quarter. Sibling coming into town this evening... need fresh veggies, etc.
I didn't have a quarter... had to crawl around on the floorboard to find one for the cart.
The reason I don't have any quarters is bc I consistently leave them in the carts, about every third visit, bc it's a small way to pay it forward, and pass on good will. Like paying the toll for the car behind you.... just very nice.
There's a lesson in this, and it's my lesson. If we care more about others, forget the 51% rule, and give all our quarters away, we run out of quarters, and we did that. We have to own it, notice it at every level we DO that in our lives, and fix it.
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Hours of picking weeds, sans distractions.... and I'm feeling pretty centered around confusing jumble of boundary transgressions I've allowed over the last 20 years. Searching through how they happened, when they started, and why I allowed them.... certainly about the frog in slowly boiling water, and not in my face honest transgressions I could see coming a mile away.
Giving people enough rope to hang themselves with is a terrible way to operate in relationships, IME. I'm teasing out how that used to serve me, and how I'll utilize it, or not, going forward. Exposing my throat, and hoping for the best in people to show up, is another terrible way to operate. I'm trying to figure out how hope, and love of redemption for those who claim they want it, factor in to my choices in mates. It's certainly a feature, and I think I have quite enough distance to look at from an observer's stance.
Dropping judgement helps.
A lot actually.
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Lighter, in those boundary situations, I've tried something new. I'll devote enough attention to watching how I FEEL - sans the usual analysis/perception going on - and then take the time, to decide if the feeling was just me being out of sorts or something like that; if I really own the feeling... or if the feeling is really that little voice warning me of the imbalance.
Then, I continue watching to see if it's always that way in that relationship or there is some reciprocity instead and perhaps my feeling was just my own sensitivity to certain things.
It's complicated for sure; not a perfect science. I get it wrong as often as right. But it definitely HELPS.
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Hi Amber.
I'm trying your advice out this morning.
Lighter
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Good luck! Sometimes it takes me as long as 24 hrs to figure out what's going on.
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I haven't found clarity yet, but hope to soon.
Interviewing parenting coaches right now.
::crossing fingers::.
Lighter
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Painfully blunt boundary lessons lately after dropping dd16 at school, running to DMV to get license renewed (2.5 hours) with 10 minutes to spare before home bound school meeting for oldest dd back at the school, then downtown for lunch, and happy connection at local artist gallery where dd and I meandered for an hour before I had to drop her then run back to school for meeting on Japan trip with youngest dd before running to first parenting coach meeting.
2.5 hours of very blunt lessons with Parenting Coach who invited youngest dd INTO the meeting, which is how I saw that going anways. DD16 and I both quite shocked by the.... bluntness of the boundaries. Honestly, I'm not sure I ever understood what a hard boundary looks like.
There have to be limits, and I'm right there, standing on them, and noticing sometimes I don't know what I'm standing on as I'm standing. Revelation, honestly.
Good news is DD18 put a good plan in place for finishing senior year, earlier that day. Anxiety, and depression are something she's going to have to learn to deal with, and overcome, like everyone else.
I realize I'm typically held hostage by the girls' valleys, and that's MY thing to deal with, and overcome.
I have another appointment, with different Parenting Coach. Will be interested to hear if it's exact same, or different. Will attend without youngest this time... this time just for me.
Switching back to Thursday evening's parenting coach appointment.... DD16 and I were a few minutes late coming from Japan meeting... dd going very soon on school trip, and we wheeled into the wrong parking lot. I left DD the keys, and money for parking, figured out the quickest way TO the front door was UP a very steep 2 part hill, so dug my heels in, and hustled to the appointment, which was harder still, bc T not listed ANYWHERE, and she finally picked up the phone. Just a lot of chaos, which seems to me is typical in my life.
Building was an old girl's school.... very historical, and charming and brick, with high ceilings, and cool fireplaces, and trim. Loved it. So, I get UP the hill, find the T, and we have very long meeting... we were her last appointment.... we get out by 9:30 PM, and I'm too tired to go BACK DOWN the hill, so I ask how to get out at so that we're at the right level. T leads us downstairs, and we pop into an empty parking lot at the back of the building.
We don't see the car. We're tired, and having trouble orienting. DD treks off in wrong direction, away from car.
I realized we're in the wrong lot, and there are 10', 6', and 4' retaining walls leading to our lot, only. Suddenly, I'm longing for the steep embankment again.
Good grief..... I'm looking for another way around, and DD insists we can do this.... and I KNOW we can, but must we? And she's lining herself up, as I'm thinking of all the things that can go wrong.... her knees, my shoulders. DD launches, and sticks the landing.
Her legs are considerably longer than mine, I notice, as I'm lining up the same launch. The grounds still seems pretty far away, even with legs a'dangling, and then I shift all weight to my hands. All systems CHECK.
Something I didn't pay attention to was my coat sleeves.... doubled over folded, and the left slips. My hand violently shifts OFF the wall, and there's HUGE motion in the air (I don't know what it is, bc my body does all it can do to remedy the situation, it's FAST) and I find myself on hands and knees, dress thrown over my head, but otherwise safe.
DD is standing there, facing me, hands raised as though to help. We laugh as dd explains she saw "legs splayed spread eagle in the air, blue panties", and then I was "suddenly in a ball" on the ground, ass out.
Somehow I stuck the landing, but for Pete's sake.....MUST THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME, over and over and over again. I feel as though it was a very good lesson in boundaries, and I failed miserably.
Attempts to piece together the flinging in the air, and landing always send us off in peels of laughter, so we aren't sure how that happened, but I'm reminded......
boundaries.
::nodding::.
Sometimes making up our minds to insist on better options, asking for them, and receiving less than required is an opportunity to INSIST on more options, even if it's not the easiest, or brings up discomfort at asking,when others want us to just say YES.
::shaking head::.
Took youngest dd downtown today, and she commented I was being "mean" to her. What I was doing was pointing out that I didn't want to go over the wall, or allow her to spend the night with a particular friend. I wasn't being mean, I was stating a boundarie, without emotion, and truly she wasn't used to hearing "NO" out of me.
We spoke till we both felt understood, then agreed we'd be kind to each other.... careful with each other. Mindful.
The journey continues.
I've been very busy, and away from the board. Not ignoring.
Lighter
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Lighter, you amaze me in the way you turn many events and many moments into an opportunity for epiphany, allegory and metaphor.
That's a very poetic way to be! It's beautiful and hopeful, to seek meaning as you do.
I loved the wall story. Ass over teakettle! Glad you and young DD made peace.
You are living so consciously.
Kudos and hugs,
Hops
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Thanks, Hops.
I continue to be a sucker for hope.
Lighter
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It's great that you can all work on this together, Lighter. I know I find it hard to not 'do' for son in many respects. A part of me still thinks of him as a child that needs to be kept safe. To a certain extent I suppose part of being a parent is that our kids will always be children in some way to us - I don't think that changes. So it's lovely that you're able to work back and forth with the kids and see what needs doing and what can be left - even with your arse in the air :) Lol.
Boundaries are difficult with kids. You make all their decisions when they're little, then let them make some choices, then give them more freedom - it's hard to know where the lines are and whether you're helping or hindering at times. I know I struggle with it. I struggle with walls, as well. Lol. Let us know how the next class goes, it will be interesting to hear if there's a different perspective or if they're all singing from the same sheet. xx
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Tupp::
I can't wait to compare notes with the parenting coaches either. At a point I'll choose one, and ride her through this phase.
I felt better after that first session.
Lighter
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I have....
The Cold, as youngest dd used to say.
So miserable.
This morning I woke up listening to something rattle around in my bronchial tubes.... I breath out.... something followed it, and rattled and rattled and rattled, like a cranky knome waking from a deep sleep. Honestly.... my mouth was a speaker.
Yesterday I finally broke down and went to Sona Clinic, which rocks. LOVE LOVE LOVE the folks there. Official dx is upper respiratory viral infection, but I went in bc it feared pneumonia. He said it's nothing to do with my lungs, but looked shocked while attending to my ears, and nose, which weren't bothering me much frankly.
He wanted to unplug my ears, and I typically ONLY see an ENT guy for that these days, bc they have the tools, don't hurt me, and get the job done in seconds, not painful wet loud minutes, which is what it turned into.
This set up, a squirt bottle with tube attached, and insert for ear, (never seen THAT one before) started out with very cool water, which I felt would just solidify things, and make the job harder. There was a lot of back and forth. OK... I'm skipping to the end.... he'd pull the trigger, softly at first, then harder and harder till it felt like he was making a ticked off hole in one inner ear spot, and finally got ears cleared. There wasn't much IN there, IME, but doc seemed to think it was necessesary.
The entire rest of the day my brain felt like it was being stuck with pins... I was weepy, which is so so rare, and actually cried over sushi, then into a shopping trip for youngest dd's trip to Japan today. Poor dd16.... such a lovely spirit, and very comforting, which drove me nuts bc I don't want her to have this terrible cold during her trip!
I think the whole weepy thing was about feeling afflicted the past 13 years, then this very real affliction I'm trying to shield everyone from... lots of alcohol wipes, and reminders not to touch faces..... then past the Build a Bear shop...memories..... I saw a terrible article about a man harming his fiance's dog, which lead to such trauma dog had to be put down, then our waiter was so self deprecating, you just KNEW someone made him feel bad for being alive his entire childhood, and there was no calming down until I took advil, which calmed the pain, and damn, yesterday was just a very hard day, ending at midnight.
So glad yesterday is over.
DD at airport by 4:30am, with a stop at Walmart for last minute things. I think she's prepared, well packed, which she did on her own, and ready for this adventure.
She takes amazing care of her skin.... every single night, and morning. She's soft as a baby, honest. I was amazed at all she had to pack, in special little glass blue bottles for travel.... like a tea ceremony..... where did she get that self care routine from? Just glad she has it.
AC isn't blowing cold in the house.
All 6 tons of rocks are down, and look great. Have to get more delivered to create meandering dry creek beds through the mulch beds, and into the forest, but the places I needed covered are covered.
I wish I was organized enough to have 8 tons of stones dropped at once, and just handle it. I think I need it to be in 3 dumps, which only adds 70.00 in delivery fees..... but worth not being so overwhelmed.
DD texted her first flight to Washington had her seated next to her ex bf, which wasn't weird, bc she's been going out of her way to make things more normal the last couple weeks. He can look at her, and converse now. Smile, even. That's good, bc he's part of her friend group, and didn't want him hanging alone, or with people he doesn't know.
I'm taking 500 Vit C twice a day. Drinking plenty of fluids. Chicken soup. Nyquil, of course, and Dayquil too.
Hope everyone else is flu and cold free.
Lighter
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For next time...here's something I learned while working at Prevention Mag books:
The MOMENT you first feel symptoms, take 2-3 capsules of echinacea (have it on hand!), and begin popping a dissolvable zinc lozenge every three hours.
Ime, doing this with dedication for three days either:
--kills the cold virus and it goes away (about 75% of the time), OR
--shortens the duration of a cold that slips through (some will) by several days
(If you do get a bad one, NETI POT is a huge help.)
I've been amazed by it, but it's been a consistent effect for years.
Hope you feel better fast, Lighter.
Hugs
Hops
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I'm better now, but this was scary brutal in that bronchial ways we're so inflamed, and gooy....hard to speak and breath at times.
Scary.
I will note your suggestions. Big believer in zinc, and xylitol nose spray here. I haven't had the huge nasal infection stuff since taking xylitol spray to prevent secondary infection during viral infection. Last sinus infection was in 2014, and it was so bad and long and gross.
Highly recommend the x clear nose spray.
Will take echinatia, vitamin C, zinc and xylitol spray..... I'm more of an Ocean nose spray over netti pot, bc netti feels like drowning and gave me swimmers ear. I have really odd ears.
Thanks Hops
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I hear you! Not everybody can do the Neti. It really does WASH things out, when one can, though.
So glad you got through it. I do get a bronchial involvement every third cold or so and it's just horrible.
Bounce on back...
Hugs
Hops
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Thanks, Hops. I feel normal today, but still weak.... not recovered yet.
Lighter
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I hope you can rest, Lighter, and take time to recover. I sometimes think recovery is the most difficult part of being ill, particularly for busy bees who are used to rushing around getting a lot done. Those major flare ups are scary - I think it shows us we're human and we can get sick and no-one likes that. Sending you wellness wishes, I hope you're feeling a lot better very soon.
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I'm feeling much better now, but can tell not up to full steam. Balance still a bit off, and I sound like a cheerleader who smokes.
The flu's been bad this year, particularly on the elderly.
I think clean ocean air would be wonderful. Enjoy it for me, Tupp: )
And Happy Easter!
Lighter
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I sound like a cheerleader who smokes.
A poet! Another poet amongst us!
:D :D :D
So glad you're on the mend, Lighter.
hugs
Hops
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This day I've detached from my girls.... and looked at myself.
It's easier to breath, and think.
Accepting they have their own paths, and I have mine... the only one I can really impact, is a relief.
I might rest a bit, then finish this fing paperwork. Just focusing on STUFF is easier when I allow my head to empty all the things I can't control, IME.
Zen is an elusive thing, IME.
::nodding::
Lighter
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This day I've detached from my girls.... and looked at myself.
It's easier to breath, and think.
Accepting they have their own paths, and I have mine... the only one I can really impact, is a relief.
I might rest a bit, then finish this fing paperwork. Just focusing on STUFF is easier when I allow my head to empty all the things I can't control, IME.
Zen is an elusive thing, IME.
::nodding::
Lighter
Ooh, Lighter, that is a big step! Standing back and watching them flourish - lovely picture in my head now. And now another of you setting fire to paperwork - wouldn't that be amazing :) Lol. Zen is a great and enviable state to be in. Emptying the head is much harder than it sounds (for me, anyway). I hope the breathing carries on being easy :) xx
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Well, there's some flourishing, and some floundering for the girls right now. For all of us, but we're working on ourselves.
I have to move the truck full of legal paperwork currently stored in the house. It has to go.... very bad juju.
I'm just skipping the overwhelmed part, and letting it be. I'll get to it, and I'll handle it. I always do.
Lighter: )
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Well, there's some flourishing, and some floundering for the girls right now. For all of us, but we're working on ourselves.
I have to move the truck full of legal paperwork currently stored in the house. It has to go.... very bad juju.
I'm just skipping the overwhelmed part, and letting it be. I'll get to it, and I'll handle it. I always do.
Lighter: )
Are you literally getting rid of it all, Lighter, or shifting it somewhere else? I agree, it adds a bad air to the home. My sitting room is essentially an office with a sofa in it rather than a lounge. There is a large bookcase full of files and boxes of papers. There are two laptops, an external hard drive, a printer/scanner/photocopier and then all the usual things you need to go with that - paper, envelopes, pens and pencils, a box of wires that I don't really know what to do with but I don't want to throw them away in case they do attach to something and I've just forgotten. There are lists on the wall of things to do, things to check and various things that link together in different groups depending on which aspect of son's care we are battling over at the present time. I'm getting on with some stuff now that needs to be done but isn't urgent. I tend to leave the non-urgent stuff until it becomes urgent, because I resent the time I have to spend on it and so put it off until I can't leave it any longer. So I'm trying to get a bit ahead of the game now and make myself do an hour a day on the non-urgent bits - if I stick to it by the time the next lot of complaints come back I should be up to date and only have them to deal with. I also need to start organising assessments for the autumn and should start doing that now as people get booked up well in advance. But I long for the day when this is all done, all behind us and I can scan everything, condense the whole file to one key or disk or cloud or whatever is used at that point and then burn the bloody lot. God, I will take pleasure in burning that lot!
Flourishing and floundering is part of the ebb and flow, and it's the part I find difficult. I think not having anything to steady against when I was younger means the floundering part was difficult for me - it felt very scary. But we've given our kids stronger foundations so they will flounder but get through it and then get to the flourishing part again :)
Let us know what you do with all the paperwork! You might give me some ideas :) Lol xx
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Tupp: I don't know what will happen to the paperwork. I know I'll start pulling out boxes, SEE something that's meaningful to me.... a document, an ORDER, an Agreement, or e mail, and that will set me on a task. I feel as though I'll be pulling specific things to SHOW my girls when and if they have questions. An organized file, and then I'll see what comes next. There will be emotions, and there will be reactions, and there will be ADD tangents from one box to another. Maybe something positive will come of it. Not sure, but they have to leave the home. I could bag them, and put them under the house, I suppose, but isn't that still bad juju in our space?
I'm looking forward to the day we can be free of all this paper, Tupp. Free in every way we can be free.
About early trauma, Tupp....
The girls have been referred to a neurofeedback specialist. Maybe research it a bit, and see if it might help you, bc you deserve relief from yours too. It changes the brain.... the mid brain. It can be soothed, and trained, and brought back into balance. At least, that's what I've been told, and I want to believe that.
IF ONLY I COULD SCAN all these papers and be able to find stuff after. It's huge, and involved, and makes me feel out of control... not being able to put my hands ON things.... papers I'm familiar with when and if I need them again. That's tough. I always dreamed of having it on computer, and at my fingertips. I don't suppose that's possible. The scanner I purchased, to get through the custody trial, died. What. A. Mess. That was, but it got the job done. I'm amazed at all the evidence evil people make and leave behind. Amazed that they operate like it doesn't exist. Operating as though their truth trumps all, and sometimes we think it does, but that's not true. Never has been. They're still guilty, and evil, and everyone who can see, is willing to see, can see it.
I really think I need this evidence though. The idea of not having it..... is unthinkable. I'm not sure what I'll do with it. So, back to pulling the really important things... the must have things... then burning the rest. That sounds about right, honestly. It feels right too. Will see.
Oh this beautiful day.... I've blown yard stuff around, sucked it up, watered it, and tried to plan gravel on the path where it's muddy...... ordered 72sf of TRUEGRID ECO 1" deep permeable pavers, which is like ordering a frame to hold gravel in place on walkways, driveways, in yards, and slopes, etc. Gravel won't get swept away, or blown into leaves and moss. I can put larger stones along sides to hide the black framework.... I feel pretty good about it.
If you can't picture it... think of a milk crate, and a black plant tray having a baby. Sort of.
Youngest dd and I picked up a few rocks from a construction site. I love construction sites. There was one in my old State that was PERFECT. I really miss it.
Bought three white Encore Azaleas from the grocery store, and it makes me happy to think about placement. I'm thinking about pulling the purple and red azalea bushes, bc they're old, spindly, and bright red and purple. I'll try to save them, and plant them out back, but not sure how successful that'll be.
I'm trying to focus on me.... considering a retreat, but not sure what kind that would be.
I should meditate more, but there's resistance. Not sure what that's about, but will pay attention to it.
I wish there was some kind of business we could build on all this...... experience, Tupp. Wouldn't that be something?
Lighter
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Yep, get it with the paperwork. I think in our situation I will get to a point where I just don't need to have it around anymore, largely because I am writing it all up into a book/journal/maybe legal action I'm not sure? and it will get to a stage where all the paperwork we have will simply be too old to be useful to anyone, focusing, as it does, on son's early years and his childhood. So I think we will eventually get to a point where I can safely scan 'just in case' and burn the lot. But I get completely what you say about needing to hang on to some of it, at least, but also not wanting it in the house.
Is there a document storage place you can store the papers? Or even a company that will scan it all for you so that you know you have it backed up should there be a problem with the storage place and it all gets ruined? If it has to stay in the house (I understand that worry of letting it out of your sight - it's so many years of slog and hard work the thought of it vanishing and having to do it again - oh my days!) then, once you've sorted and got it pared down as much as possible, could you turn it into a sort of good juju monument to how bloody hard you've all worked to get through this and how well you've done despite those f**kers doing everything they could to stop you. So maybe the boxes can be filed somewhere out of site, or if they need to stay somewhere they can be seen the boxes can be pretty ones, or covered with a nice cloth, or behind a nice curtain or something. And then in front of that, or next to it, or wherever it works, make a beautiful space. Plants, cushions, candles, photos of you and girls smiling, happy, having fun. A pic of you with a 'f**k you' look on your face, framed copies of the girls achievements, school reports, qualifications and so on, and yours, too. Pics of that beautiful garden you're making, the beach house you've so lovingly put back together - just some sort of visual space that pushes out the bad juju and replaces it with all your good, loving, bloody hard work and shining examples of everything you've done. I've got little reminders all over my house of nice things son and I have done over the years - paintings, drawings, photographs, things he's made, sea shells we've picked up from beach walks, plants that friends gave me at difficult times or to celebrate something - do you know what I mean? Just things that can prick your memory and replace all the horrible memories that the paperwork conjures up with memories of the nice stuff that you did even though you had to fight your way through that shit storm. I think sometimes we need visual reminders of how much we've done and overcome, it's not always enough to just have it in our heads. The bad stuff always seems to take up more space there; I think we need to overload it with good things and box it up in our minds as well as in our homes xx
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Tupp.
Everything you wr o te here (sorry, borrowed laptop with independent space bar) really inspired me. You described the heart of my
biggest problem at home, and the solution. can't type muchmore on this thang.
Thanks.
Hops
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Youngest DD has her neurofeedback assessment today. Should take about 4 hours.
She seems to be invested in it.
There were 15 pages to fill out, beforehand.
It's funny this office has been 2 miles from my house for 5 years.
I guess things happen in their own time.
Oldest DD will go later this week.
Had first T session with oldest DD last night, and it went beautifully.
DD loved the T, and the T is really great.
Company left this morning, and it was a fulfilling visit.
Yesterday I worked in the yard... the moss is uber happy with all the rain. Did some tree trimming, and sucker removal... just having glorious cool breezy spring weather right now.
Will have a house full soon for oldest DD's graduation! Woo hoo!
Lighter
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That all sounds lovely, Lighter, it's always funny when you find someone useful living nearby. It's great that it's all going so well. Sounds busy in a good way :) xx
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Yes, very interesting this doc was so close by, and yet completely unknown.
All his reviews are 5 star. He comes highly recommended by the medical community (I trust, and respect.)
Will give results on dd's brain scans later: )
Lighter
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OK, the brain scans, and cognitive tests were pretty involved.... several hours.
They gage eye movements, in one test, and you see your child's eyes on the screen, big, and you can see exactly what they're doing alongside a graph. It can be replayed, and explained.... there's no light changes, so pupil changes in size are about stress for the brain. Movements up and down create more stress than side to side movement, btw.
Youngest had quite a bit of eyes not staying focused on the target.. a little ball, which explains why reading has always always always been so difficult for her. She has to go back and re until her brain fills in all the spaces her eyes popped past.
Also, her brain is revving on high all the time. Just revving, and it takes a lot of energy to do the simplest things. That's why she's so exhausted all the time, and I don't think she sleeps very well either.
We set up a treatment schedule for when summer starts. DD is relieved to see reasons why things are so hard, and relieved to know she can work hard, and change some of those things.
Oldest dd's assessment was today, and everything made sense to her. She signed on, and is looking forward to neurofeedback to begin too.
I haven't read one bad review. There are so many grateful patients who write notes, and post about it..... the details, the way their lives have changed, and how glad they are they found this doc.
::nodding::.
I feel like a weight's been lifted.
Lighter
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OK, my hip's been locked up, and in various stages of that for a while. Chiroprac friend got me on his table, and was shocked the joint wouldn't move. At all. He cracked, and popped me from head to toe, and unlocked it, then said to let the inflammation go down before doing more. That was 2 days ago.
I woke up, and had some problems with it....thigh feels like it was hit by a baseball bat, loss of power, and sometimes the muscles spasm. Very upsetting.
Today I babied it, after driving girls to school... sitting is the worst thing for it..... moved it around, and worked on the muscles..... it's feeling pretty normal. SUCH A RELIEF, but before I FELT the relief in my body and mind, I went out on the porch in a bit of despair..... the worst case scenarios were banging around my brain pan, and I couldn't shake it.
Once on the porch, I heard something at the other end.... I thought maybe a kerfuffle from the bucket holding a nest with many eggs a darling little bird tends to without fail. I went to see what was up, and there were 2 hummingbirds almost in my face. One chased the other, one went to the feeder, the other chased it to a nearby branch, they were off. Another hummer came around, and they've been pretty active ever since. I've never seen more than one HB, ever. They're very territorial... I guess it's mating season? Or... something? I was uplifted, and happy, and grounded back in the moment.... then aware of the feelings that brought me out, I felt them, processed them, and feel much better now.
Thanks Hummingbirds.
I've been doing easy yardwork.... weedwacking, and trimming branches.... nothing requiring I sit or squat much, and a nice neighbor came by to offer up all his rocks...... he's getting rid of all his flower beds. He wants less upkeep, just like me. We both feel great about this! So glad. He's as excited as I am, and willing to do all the labor to load, and drop them in my yard. YAY AGAIN!
My chiropractor friend bought tickets for a Beatles cover band tomorrow. Every year the teachers from a prestigious music school get together and cover an entire album.... just amazing to watch. This venue is lovely, and cool, and on the river. After that he'll adjust me, again, and see where I'm at from the last adjustment.
I've been stretching, and massaging sore muscles. I have to get on track, and stay there.
The house, and back porch are in good shape.... I'm enjoying them, and my girls.
I'm noticing the things dd18 does that brings up stress for me. Mostly, if I don't pick up the rope, she drops it too, and things go on just fine. It's when I react or respond to her hard NO! over everything from doing chores, to just eating what's been cooked, etc..... I have to stay in observation mode, and let her have it... not make whatever we're talking about ABOUT me.
If I didn't say before, we're seeing a family T we both really like. There's an attachment issue we have to work out, and that's the plan.
I booked youngest dd for her neuro feedback sessions, but not oldest dd, bc she's not willing to do anything outside attend the sessions. There's other things involved around nutrition, physical activity, sleep patterns that make it possible to get more out of the sessions, and that's going to be a condition. When she's ready, we'll make the appointments.
Both girls need their wisdom teeth out, and that's happening this summer.
I don't want to travel anytime soon, but the beach cottage has to be dealt with. I'm so sick of thinking about it.... so many moving parts, and it feels like they're all broken moving parts that depend on my MOVING them myself..... I can't depend on anyone on the island, 100%, thus this feeling of all the responsibility with zero control. Yes, Amber and Hops, I think about selling it all the time.
Lighter
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Aw, Lighter, the humming birds sound so lovely! I'm glad the doc is giving so much good information; so useful to know and have points to work from. I'm sorry your hip is painful though, did you injure yourself or has that just come on? I hope that continues to get better; dealing with pain is very difficult and it's hard being forced to slow down. The upcoming concert sound nice. Bleurgh to the beach house! So much work for you, is it close to being all done now? It feels like you've done so much already xx
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Tupp:
The hip was gradual... I think a little injury I didn't much notice, then compensation, then tightness, then more compensation, and then the hip locked up, bc I didn't deal with it, and now I'm out of pain, feeling normal, and stretching daily to keep things aligned.
Another reminder about self care. A reminder not to suck it up, and soldier on.
We all need to stretch!
Lighter
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Tupp:
The hip was gradual... I think a little injury I didn't much notice, then compensation, then tightness, then more compensation, and then the hip locked up, bc I didn't deal with it, and now I'm out of pain, feeling normal, and stretching daily to keep things aligned.
Another reminder about self care. A reminder not to suck it up, and soldier on.
We all need to stretch!
Lighter
Yes, I get the same with my back, little twinge and I ignore it and then it gets worse. I need to get back into the habit of going once a month to get it fixed so it doesn't become a problem instead of waiting until it gets sore. Glad your hip is feeling better now and hope the stretching continues to help :) xx
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Visitors were lovely over the long weekend, but gal pal experiencing gall stone pains.... very scary, honestly. She's a pretty clean eater, and watches her health.
No one knows why gallstones happen, and that's another frustration. I was afraid to cook, and feed her.... evenings were hard.... I couldn't help, but sat for hours researching and trying to help.
I don't know what I'd do if I came down with gallstones. This makes me want to start doing the gallstone cleanse every 6 months, and figuring out how to eat so as to avoid stressing the gallbladder.
This is a fresh hell, for sure. My younger brother had his gallbladder removed fairly recently, so..... I'm thinking proactive is necessary.
Anyone dealt with them, or know anything about them?
Lighter
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Medicine does know how gallstones happen.
https://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/qa/who-is-at-risk-for-gallstones
Medicine knows how to prevent them.
https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/digestive-diseases/gallstones/eating-diet-nutrition
Medicine knows what to do about it if they develop. Lithotripsy is miraculous but sometimes conventional surgery is necessary.
https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/digestive-diseases/gallstones/treatment
Hope this helps.
Hops
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Thanks, Hops!
The thing is, friend already eats clean, consumes healthy fats, and lacks the primary indicators, or most of them at least. She should be more active, but she's not obese, not taking any medications, outside supplements, and this is just so darned difficult.
We'd really like to pin down EXACTLY the foods or habits that create the problem, but the surgeon is spit balling, admittedly, outside a low or non fat diet, which is the only known cause of gallstones right now.
Everything else is demoralizing to read about the kinds of diet recommended..... we've been eating healthier than that for years. Friend is trying to deal with problem without surgery. There are complications with old scars and surgery from car wreck.
I feel so helpless.
Lighter
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They're not something I know anything about, Lighter, but they sound horrible, it's very difficult figuring out what to do if the known options have already been exhausted without success, but I hope she can find some way to relieve them soon. You are a good chum for trying to help xx
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Tupp:
Docs want to remove gallbladders, not treat stones. That makes sense IF the patient isn't able or willing to change the habits that brought on the stones, kwim?
If the patient is willing, has been willing to make changes for years, then it's frustrating. I'm hoping muscle testing practitioner will hone in, and help.
There are pills to break down the stones, but they have to be taken forever, and they can harm the liver.... BIGGER problem, IMO.
We need our gallbadders..... sure, we can live without them, but we need them.
I hope she can figure this out. I would hate to end up in that boat.... it scares me.
Lighter
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Might be a genetic vulnerability, Lighter.
Might be true that you need to accept not being able to fix it for her, despite your distress at her suffering.
You are a kind friend. Sometimes, that's enough.
love
Hops
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PS I wrote a long article on lithotripsy when the machine first arrived at the medical center years ago. It was miraculous.
Patients with gallstones sit in a big tank of warm water, and magnetic beams are aligned with the stones. (Marks are drawn on the skin for the technician to aim at.) Then a simple button push and dat-dat-dat, a zapping noise. The beams pass through the water into the patient, precisely targeting the gallstones and leaving the surrounding tissues are unaffected. The stones are pulverized (without pain to the patient) into such tiny fragments that the gallbladder can then excrete them naturally. It's amazing, just incredible. Patient gets out, dries off, goes home.
So the gallbladder isn't removed, in that case. And there's no drug, no surgery. Hope your friend will check it out and that she may be a candidate for lithotripsy.
hugs
Hops
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That sounds like just the right thing, Hops. Then friend has to figure out how to avoid new stone formation: )
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My new T is female, specializing in anxiety, depression, trauma and addiction with 13 years in recovery herself. She practices traditional therapy, intuitive counseling, EMDR, TRM, energy, spiritual and Buddhist psychology, and life coaching.
I like her approach, bc she references the work of other doctors I've studied, and brain science to help me understand what we're doing, and how it helps. She takes time to really make sure I have some ONE important element, and take that with me when I leave her office.
I've seen her twice, and will see her weekly for a while.
She explained why trying to gut out way out of anxiety is so difficult. The amygdala and limbic system are already online, and we have to get under them, and unhook them with breathing, which engages our parasympathetic nervous systems. The more we breath into the PSNV, the more we build those pathways, and train our brains away from anxiety.
She'd like me to use Kardia 3 times a day, whenever, and at times of stress. Everything involves the breathing in... filling a vase, bottom up... stomach pushed out, and the breathing out.... slow, and complete.
Pushing on walls WITH ALL YOU HAVE, is useful. I notice I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE DOING DOING DOING, and pushing is very helpful at those times. I push on the steering wheel in the car sometimes, and that's helpful too. Remembering to breath is getting easier. I was always a shallow breather, and notice I actually stop breathing when I'm stressed.
Walking backwards, slowly, around a garbage can or anything on the floor, while breathing.
She added cross body patting this week. Cross arms over, hands on shoulders gently patting one at a time, slowly. If we go fast, we can create anxiety. Slow is calming so.... gentle pat.... wait a couple seconds then gentle pat again. Can do this on thighs as well, making sure arms crossing over body.
When she asked if I had a happy place, I realized I don't have one anymore that I visit. When I tried to go to the one I used during the trials..... it was just heartbreaking. I'm really sad about the time, and years I lost, and what my girls lost during those years. I used to picture myself walking into my house, which is where we lived when the girls were born, and greeting the girls... J in green foot in jammies.... Loldest by 22mo, in a diaper for some reason, but there, very real, and we just had a normal day in that happy place. Now it's a trigger.
In the past, with other Ts, they'd try to have me picture a grotto, or some unknown place, and that had me feeling like I needed to push on a wall.... to DO.... it felt like the lions were clawing through the door, how could I BE in this place that meant nothing to me?
I tried my own childhood this time, and that was triggering.... I think anything to do with children at this time is triggering for me. The child drawings on the walls were triggering as I looked around and paid attention to my surroundings, SO.... big information for me.
The next time I tried, I went back to my house, before the girls and second marriage, but after the first divorce, and I walked in my amazing tomato garden. I could see what I was wearing, my tools, smell the plants, and tend the compost bin, tie the vines.... feel the sun on my eyelids, and shoulders, and hear the birds, and insects.
I'd never experienced such relief, amazing, joyful, immediate, and addictive... I want to go back and back and back. I rely on it, in my mind, as a tool, and I'm not sure I could have found it without someone looking me in the eye, and leading me through the triggers and sadness, and pulling me out, and through it.
I don't have to go back and revisit all the trauma and heartache. I don't have to understand it, or anyone involved in it. I just have to practice breathing, building pathways, and training my brain to have choice, and choose.
Another thing that's making sense is the PAT.... training my brain to tolerate feeling OK, which is alien for me, not strong strong, but certainly there. I imagine it's more difficult for lots of people, but I can feel the undercurrent when I'm paying attention. PAT... Pleasure Affectation Tolerance? I think?
Anyway, I'm feeling very attached to this T, and she's so patient, and kind, and explains everything, and doesn't move on before I'm WITH her, and getting what she's trying to share.
I like the Buddhism. I like the references to Tara Brach, and Bessel VanDerKolk, and polyvagal theory, and WHAT the heck that tapping to the left of me belly button IS.... the psoas muscle holds a lot of energy, and memories and energy are stored in the body, and we're energetic beings.
This ties everything together, and makes sense of it for me.
I know choosing a T is so important, and I have clarity on that now.
The journey continues,
Lighter
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She sounds like a good choice, Lighter. I like the idea of having multiple ways of dealing with or managing things as they come up, and of having daily routines that help to keep us calmer as we go through the day.
I'm sorry you have had all those triggering images to work through. I find it enormously sad when we look back on times and struggle to think of a place we felt happy or safe, or of a person who made us feel that way. I'm glad you found a good place to visit in your mind, though. That helps so much. It's good to know you can go back there. It's good to have someone guide you through the process and to know they're there to pull you out if it gets too much. That helps so much. xx
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It IS good to have a guide to help us through the mire, Tupp. I didn't connect with other Ts this way, and if I really liked them, they often broke my heart with tears of frustration/helplessness/sadness, which felt dreadful. It felt like I was inflicting my problems on them too.
THIS experience has been completely different. She's very calm, and not unhinged. Always leading toward an answer, and another tool. Always educating, and sharing her experience to connect the dots. I think that's necessary FOR ME. To have shared experience.
In any case, I have four more appointments booked weekly. I'm looking forward to seeing her regularly. I hope oldest dd considers meeting with her.
I am feeling better. I'm enjoying the ability to steady myself, whatever comes up, and know what's under it/happening.
I've been to my happy place, again and again. It's a relief. I didn't realize how different it is to have a happy place vs a place that keeps one from cracking up for an hour or two during tremendous ongoing crisis.
This is better.
I hope you have a happy place too, Tupp. I've never had a T who could help me find it before. I've had many who helped me NOT find it. There's a certain shame to not figuring something out in T, IME. It's heavy, unhelpful, and has to be worked'round, IME.
Lighter
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It IS good to have a guide to help us through the mire, Tupp. I didn't connect with other Ts this way, and if I really liked them, they often broke my heart with tears of frustration/helplessness/sadness, which felt dreadful. It felt like I was inflicting my problems on them too.
THIS experience has been completely different. She's very calm, and not unhinged. Always leading toward an answer, and another tool. Always educating, and sharing her experience to connect the dots. I think that's necessary FOR ME. To have shared experience.
In any case, I have four more appointments booked weekly. I'm looking forward to seeing her regularly. I hope oldest dd considers meeting with her.
I am feeling better. I'm enjoying the ability to steady myself, whatever comes up, and know what's under it/happening.
I've been to my happy place, again and again. It's a relief. I didn't realize how different it is to have a happy place vs a place that keeps one from cracking up for an hour or two during tremendous ongoing crisis.
This is better.
I hope you have a happy place too, Tupp. I've never had a T who could help me find it before. I've had many who helped me NOT find it. There's a certain shame to not figuring something out in T, IME. It's heavy, unhelpful, and has to be worked'round, IME.
Lighter
I did laugh when you said she's not unhinged, Lighter, I do know what you mean! I've seen some people over the years who seemed to have more problems than I did! It doesn't make you feel well supported when that happens. She sounds good. It's nice to have someone who can give you the skills to navigate through things yourself and who has a range of skills to give you, rather than a one size fits all approach that you can't do anything with if it doesn't happen to work for you or in that particular situation. I'm glad the happy place is helping. It's good to have a port in the storm xx
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For me, it was tai chi that activated my parasympathetic nervous system. It actually occurs in us, before we are able to notice it's happening, I think. Since I've not practiced in a long time, what has stayed with me are all the short cuts and alternatives I've found to do the same thing.
Closing my eyes and focusing on just relaxing into feeling "safe" (just feeling my body) and breathing - short moments, done a few times - works just as well.
Had to remind myself to do that just yesterday, because my rational, practical brain was trying to beat my emotional brain senseless over the intense emotions I'm experiencing with Buck. Unrestricted ruminating on all the realities of the situation... what on earth am I getting myself into? That kind of thing. Emotional self has gotten stronger over the few years alone and blew all those arguments out of the water. My small whisper of intuition has always been emotional self; and she's never steered me wrong. So that moment passed and I'm still on course.
There is a personal reciprocation problem in all of that experience - born of my environmental dysfunction in the parenting situation... in that for me, the two perceptions or brains can be opponents rather than just playing different roles on the same team. That's still a work in progress especially for the big things that happen in life. Holly is really great at feedback for me and it's a measure of reciprocity between us that I can do the same for her. She pointed out that I took it harder, her losing the baby, than she did. I hurt so much for her, I didn't even see that.
But it was a huge clue for me, in that I'm in a moment where my center of gravity has shifted towards emotional brain for a change. So it really was time for the "come to Jesus" talk between the two brains about the things that are going on here, if I hope to be able to maintain centeredness and groundedness going forward. Steve is moving in; privacy for me has to adapt to that until the Holly Hut is built (and somehow those 3-4 years of living alone balanced out all the years I've been in a relationship). I have to know when and how to gracefully get myself the alone time I need. And Buck will be coming back too - or I'll visit him; the road isn't one way.
There is a lot of big stuff happening in my life, and I need both sides of my brain cooperating together - each specializing in their areas - and not fighting each other.
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Lighter, I'm really happy for you.
The tomato patch meditation reminds me enormously of what I experienced with clinical hypnotherapy. Exactly the same thing...finding one's own particular place of peace, and conjuring it up in every sensate detail, to the point you recognize that in some way, you are actually there in the present.
I'm delighted for you, that you are going to be working this way. It's so deep and genuine, and even though I argue with you about some alternative things, not this one. This goes to healing the soul (if that word works).
BRAVO!
Hugs
Hops
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Thanks, ((CB)). Your story is helpful, and I appreciate your taking the time to share it here.
For your liver, if you aren't taking milk thistle supplements, maybe consider them. My friend 67yo takes them daily, for the past 10 years, and claims they support his liver a good deal.
My brother claims to be fine after his gb removal, and that's comforting that you're experience is the same.
My same age female friend, experiencing the gb issues now, is doing well, and symptom free right now. I'll check back with her and see how her scans are going. She's been working with a practitioner to break up the stones, and I'm hoping it works.
Lighter
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Yes yes yes, Tupp. It is helpful to have a T who's steady, and on point, all the time. This T is a psychotherapist, and I think she's a good fit for me. I can't stand to see pity in people's eyes. I can't stand to see agonizing helplessness either..... or tears from a T. It's upsetting when I've upset them, and they feel they have nothing to offer. It's frustrating when what they offer isn't helpful too.
I see compassion, and empathy in this T's eyes, yes, but it's backed up with an iron determination and knowledge she has skills to share. I can see that she believes she can help, and she's focused on pushing forward, and through. We keep moving, where we need to move, and we linger where I need help zeroing in on honing particular skills. She's very detail oriented, and lazer focused on making sure I'm with her, and "getting" what she's explaining.
It's a new experience, and I'm so grateful.
Yesterday I noticed I opened the garage door, and there was no overt anxiety or expectation the world would be on fire. Typically, I open that door ready to respond to crisis. It's become my norm.
I remember noticing the pattern of calming down, and resetting.... when there were lulls between court cases in 2010. I moved 2 States away... distance helped. I'd calm down, then get double knocked down when a legal e mail, or letter arrived..... I think that was the point where my sympathetic nervous system built pathways that kept me hyper alert, protecting me in a way. I've brought it up on the board, l know I have. Some part of me KNEW something terrible was happening. Something I couldn't control. There was a type of safety and protection in those pathways, but it's my default setting now.
This T explains everything, so I can process it, and leads me out. Distance was part of the answer, not THE answer.
I hope you're having a good week, Tupp. Remember... push on a doorjamp, hard hard HARD when you're feeling like climbing the walls. Download Kardia, if you haven't already, and see if it begins helping.
I know you have your own journey, but I feel I hope these tools can help a bit, if not a lot.
I try to do 5 minutes of Kardia breathing a day, which I haven't managed yet. That's the goal; )
Lighter
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Yes yes yes, Tupp. It is helpful to have a T who's steady, and on point, all the time. This T is a psychotherapist, and I think she's a good fit for me. I can't stand to see pity in people's eyes. I can't stand to see agonizing helplessness either..... or tears from a T. It's upsetting when I've upset them, and they feel they have nothing to offer. It's frustrating when what they offer isn't helpful too.
I see compassion, and empathy in this T's eyes, yes, but it's backed up with an iron determination and knowledge she has skills to share. I can see that she believes she can help, and she's focused on pushing forward, and through. We keep moving, where we need to move, and we linger where I need help zeroing in on honing particular skills. She's very detail oriented, and lazer focused on making sure I'm with her, and "getting" what she's explaining.
It's a new experience, and I'm so grateful.
Yesterday I noticed I opened the garage door, and there was no overt anxiety or expectation the world would be on fire. Typically, I open that door ready to respond to crisis. It's become my norm.
I remember noticing the pattern of calming down, and resetting.... when there were lulls between court cases in 2010. I moved 2 States away... distance helped. I'd calm down, then get double knocked down when a legal e mail, or letter arrived..... I think that was the point where my sympathetic nervous system built pathways that kept me hyper alert, protecting me in a way. I've brought it up on the board, l know I have. Some part of me KNEW something terrible was happening. Something I couldn't control. There was a type of safety and protection in those pathways, but it's my default setting now.
This T explains everything, so I can process it, and leads me out. Distance was part of the answer, not THE answer.
I hope you're having a good week, Tupp. Remember... push on a doorjamp, hard hard HARD when you're feeling like climbing the walls. Download Kardia, if you haven't already, and see if it begins helping.
I know you have your own journey, but I feel I hope these tools can help a bit, if not a lot.
I try to do 5 minutes of Kardia breathing a day, which I haven't managed yet. That's the goal; )
Lighter
Gosh, Lighter, this is exactly what happens to me; I'm fine until I get an email or a phone call or letter and the terror response shoots through me instantly, before I've read anything or picked the phone up. I'm trying to catch it before it shoots up now; I just find that when I'm in that heightened space it's almost impossible to talk myself back down out of it and any thought of breathing or yoga exercises or any kind of distraction just isn't there. It's almost like being possessed by something (someone) else. So I'm trying really hard at the minute to get into good daily habits (sleep, yoga, meditation, food, avoiding stress) in the hope that will get my overall stress levels down and then I'm hoping that will make the jump when an email arrives less and then I can catch it before it escalates.
If I had to pinpoint one time that started all of this it would be receiving the letter that told me they were taking child protection action against me. Son was four; I had no idea it was coming, there'd been no conversation, meeting, preliminary paperwork - I just received a letter telling me the date of the child protection conference and advising me to get a lawyer. To this day they still haven't been able to give me a reason for starting that action against me. And I can remember just feeling like something had slammed into my chest; I couldn't breathe, I felt sick to my stomach, my head swam, I just couldn't function. We were living in one room at the time, sharing a bed, he was playing on the floor with his trains. I had no money, things were already bad with my mum (although I didn't know at that time that she was the one who'd done all of this) and do you know what, nothing's really been the same since. And that reaction is exactly what I get now, just seeing an email or an unknown number come up on my phone, and in seconds I'm in a court situation where I'm fighting to keep him and it just snowballs. So I understand exactly what you mean about the world being on fire and being ready to respond to a crisis. I think it's because it's our kids, the fight for them is different to other things, I think, because most of the time you can get another job or house or partner, but your kids? And keeping them safe from those other people who are so smooth and so manipulative and who can throw money at fancy lawyers while we have to sit up till the small hours reading up on family law on the internet - bleurgh. It's not surprising we've ended up in that constant heightened state. I am really glad the T is helping; she sounds great and I will look up that Kardia thing you've mentioned to see if it helps.
Keep on keeping on, Lighter! It's time for calm, and safety, and moss making! Lol xx
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Yes yes yes, Tupp. It is helpful to have a T who's steady, and on point, all the time. This T is a psychotherapist, and I think she's a good fit for me. I can't stand to see pity in people's eyes. I can't stand to see agonizing helplessness either..... or tears from a T. It's upsetting when I've upset them, and they feel they have nothing to offer. It's frustrating when what they offer isn't helpful too.
I see compassion, and empathy in this T's eyes, yes, but it's backed up with an iron determination and knowledge she has skills to share. I can see that she believes she can help, and she's focused on pushing forward, and through. We keep moving, where we need to move, and we linger where I need help zeroing in on honing particular skills. She's very detail oriented, and lazer focused on making sure I'm with her, and "getting" what she's explaining.
It's a new experience, and I'm so grateful.
Yesterday I noticed I opened the garage door, and there was no overt anxiety or expectation the world would be on fire. Typically, I open that door ready to respond to crisis. It's become my norm.
I remember noticing the pattern of calming down, and resetting.... when there were lulls between court cases in 2010. I moved 2 States away... distance helped. I'd calm down, then get double knocked down when a legal e mail, or letter arrived..... I think that was the point where my sympathetic nervous system built pathways that kept me hyper alert, protecting me in a way. I've brought it up on the board, l know I have. Some part of me KNEW something terrible was happening. Something I couldn't control. There was a type of safety and protection in those pathways, but it's my default setting now.
This T explains everything, so I can process it, and leads me out. Distance was part of the answer, not THE answer.
I hope you're having a good week, Tupp. Remember... push on a doorjamp, hard hard HARD when you're feeling like climbing the walls. Download Kardia, if you haven't already, and see if it begins helping.
I know you have your own journey, but I feel I hope these tools can help a bit, if not a lot.
I try to do 5 minutes of Kardia breathing a day, which I haven't managed yet. That's the goal; )
Lighter
Gosh, Lighter, this is exactly what happens to me; I'm fine until I get an email or a phone call or letter and the terror response shoots through me instantly, before I've read anything or picked the phone up. I'm trying to catch it before it shoots up now; I just find that when I'm in that heightened space it's almost impossible to talk myself back down out of it and any thought of breathing or yoga exercises or any kind of distraction just isn't there. I think that's the point where we can engage breathing, and go push on a wall... hard hard hard arse hard, and just stop trying to think our way out of that place, Tupp. DOING DOING DOING is what we're used to DOING, and honestly... I think of it this way. WOULD I STOP AND BREATH calmly IF zombies or a bear were chasing me? My brains isn't able to think it's way clear, and NO I can't just stop and breath when I feel chased, or in danger, and so these BIG physical DOINGS make sense, while the breathing sneeks in, and addresses the amygdala, and limbic system alarm bells from underneath... sort of unhooking them while we're focusing on PUSHING or COUNTING or WALKING BACKWARDS, IME.
I'm not great at it, but I have enough understanding of it to believe it's the way out. I'm also noticing more calm, and quicker recovery from shots of adrenaline. It's almost like being possessed by something (someone) else. So I'm trying really hard at the minute to get into good daily habits (sleep, yoga, meditation, food, avoiding stress) in the hope that will get my overall stress levels down and then I'm hoping that will make the jump when an email arrives less and then I can catch it before it escalates. There's no catching it..... it's too quick. That expection has plagued me for years. I feel better letting it go, just noticing the stress, and negative feelings, and paying attention.... then applying a new tool, and seeing how it goes. It always gets better. The T lead me in to a stressful feeling on Wednesday and I'll share that on another thread.
I think your yoga practice adds the physical element, which is so important, and still lacking for me.
If I had to pinpoint one time that started all of this it would be receiving the letter that told me they were taking child protection action against me. Son was four; I had no idea it was coming, there'd been no conversation, meeting, preliminary paperwork - I just received a letter telling me the date of the child protection conference and advising me to get a lawyer. Oh, Tupp. That would have shot adrenaline through anyone's feet and hands... how terrifying for you. To this day they still haven't been able to give me a reason for starting that action against me. Insult to injury that PDs can terrorize us, through the public agencies with zero proof.
We end up disproving negatives, over and over and over. I don't understand that, Tupp. How do they continue getting away with it? It's another layer of threat, anger, and damage, IME. And I can remember just feeling like something had slammed into my chest; I couldn't breathe, I felt sick to my stomach, my head swam, I just couldn't function. It's a absolute tribute to your indomitable spirit that you overcame that terrible threat, calmed yourself enough to function (not at all easy, IME) and did what you needed to do to save your son, and self, IME.
We were living in one room at the time, sharing a bed, he was playing on the floor with his trains. I had no money, things were already bad with my mum (although I didn't know at that time that she was the one who'd done all of this) and do you know what, nothing's really been the same since. Pinpointing an important moment like that is striking, Tupp. To feel that, again, is just like BEING there. The brain can't tell the difference between being there and thinking about it. Same with dreams. Everything's real in our minds. And that reaction is exactly what I get now, just seeing an email or an unknown number come up on my phone, and in seconds I'm in a court situation where I'm fighting to keep him and it just snowballs. Our sympathetic nervous systems have had to rise, and save us from crisis. Those pathways fired together, had to, and then wired together. Now they're our default settings, and we have to sneak in, engage our parasympathetic nervous systems, and build new default pathways, Tupp. The parasympathetic nervous system calms the amygdala//limbic system, and restores access to higher thinking/problem solving/creativity, and that's helpful in every way, IME. So I understand exactly what you mean about the world being on fire and being ready to respond to a crisis. I think it's because it's our kids, the fight for them is different to other things, I think, because most of the time you can get another job or house or partner, but your kids? And keeping them safe from those other people who are so smooth and so manipulative and who can throw money at fancy lawyers while we have to sit up till the small hours reading up on family law on the internet - bleurgh. YES YES YES, Tupp! Going against he system, the wealthy family members bent on destroying you AND your child.... it's completely different to be under fire WITH children, IME. There should be LAWS, and are laws, but no one can enforce them.
No one can hold people liable for lying under oath, bringing frivolous charges, or abusing power.... we're just too shattered from surviving the initial assaults, over and over, to do anything more, nad I think the hope the assaults will end kicks in like a drug..... it's all we can do to dream of running away screaming from the systems, and fights, and little people in positions of authority, run away screaming like our hair's on fire. Just to get away would be amazing, and a struggle this long just bashes our adrenals, and is super destructive physically as well as to our hormones, and how our brains wire. It's not surprising we've ended up in that constant heightened state. I am really glad the T is helping; she sounds great and I will look up that Kardia thing you've mentioned to see if it helps. Kardia.... the T explained it this way. It takes 7 miles to turn a huge ship'round, and that's how it is with training our brains to calm down, and form new defaults. Doing it, over and over, trains our brains, and once we begin, it's a permanent change we build on. The brain can make change in a second. It's exciting to know we don't have to wait forever. That change can happen quickly, in fact youngest dd's neurofeedback has brought exciting changes for her! I'll share percentages on a new thread, but her doctor is astonished, and so pleased! DD feels the difference, has more energy, and is so happy she's putting this time in. Neuro plasticity is our friend, Tupp. We're going to feel better and better, I know we are.
Keep on keeping on, Lighter! It's time for calm, and safety, and moss making! Oh, tupp... I've been rolling around in the moss in my underwear, in dappled sunlight. Yesterday I was naked, and it's something I look forward to! This is new, bc that would have seemed a chore this time last year. Absolutely not something I could have done consistently. Things are getting better, Tupp. : ) Lighter Lol xx
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Wednesday's T appointment was about THINKING about an upsetting situation. I guess it had to come, and it did.
I felt it in my throat, which is about the throat chakra.... having no voice, being stifled, and I felt as thought I couldn't breath.
T had me think about a part part of my body that was neutral, or feeling good, and that was my hands. I shifted my focus to my hands, and thought about them with some intention. They began tingling, and one finger actually hurt with a pins and needles shock at the tip.... and I breathed into it, and stayed there for a while.
When we revisited the throat feeling, that had subsided a good deal.... almost gone. So, that was interesting as every visit is. There's so much information, and she goes over and over it, and takes me a bit farther every appt.
I sleep on a grounding mat, and make sure I walk in moss every day. I haven't figured out the physical part yet, but I'm feeling a bit stronger. The brain doc said all three of our vitamin D levels were low, and that's part of living under intense ongoing stress. It plays havoc with our hormones, which explains my low testosterone, and some of my physical changes.
I've been so careful with myself, after the shoulder injuries, and I feel ready to start back on the heavy bag. Oldest dd is working out with a trainer, and that trainer is interested in learning some martial arts. I might have a fit training partner soon, but will see.
Remembering to take 5 minutes out of the day, and do Kardia, isn't easy, but is the goal.
I'll start a new thread when I have the girl's paperwork from neurofeedback. That's exciting, and I want to share the actual numbers, and not the gist.
The journey continues: )
Lighter
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Another appointment with Therapist D. She's putting pieces together... familiar pieces... moved around, presented in different ways, at different times. She explains WHY things work, after she presents them, and she's so happy about the WHY. It worked for her, and she wants to share her freedom, her expanded interior space, her restoration of choice, and happiness.
It's a lovely way to SEE how to put radical acceptance, mindfulness, and somatic attention INTO practice for myself, when I need it most. When I need it most my limbic system is in charge, and denying access to higher brain thinking. Trying to think my way through seems logical, but it's impossible...
until...
I put my finger on my nose, breath into the bottom of the vase at the bottom of my diaphram, then fill
that
vase.
Slowly....
then release the air...
slowly, and tune into what I feel inside...
put my hand on it.....
name it, and search for the feeling under it.
Or not.
It's the breathing into it.... breathing space into that tightness....
providing expanding space around it....
paying attention to the space beside me, above me, below me, and occupying it.... bringing it inside.
And then I notice the tightness in my chest and abdomen eases up. The strangling feelings in my throat soften and receed. Space is around and in that area, and it's so
much
better.
I have to remember to put the stories on the shelf, and breath self compassion into that space. There's no room for stories here.... just being here.... being home.... now.
Today I practice what I want for my tomorrow.
If I want anxiety, and sadness, I practice those things today.
If I want relief, spaciousness, and a functional life....
I breath, pay attention to my inner world, embrace it all, good, bad and ugly, and name it.
Invite it in, which is familiar, and helpful in the past, but NOW I understand why, and where it's leading. It's the next step to overcoming the fight or flight shut down, spiral, static, chaos.... and shifting OUT of it.
Understandig the shift. Understanding things will get better, and I have control over it is really helpful.
Understanding lasting change can happen in between 1 to 2 months... helps.
I don't have to start over again and again and again. I can build on what I've got, and wire new pathways forever. They'll be mine, and it's like a rock's been moved from a tiny stream. The trickle CAN get through, but I can't let the rock roll back into it's comfortable place.
The PAT..... again.... Postive Affect Tolerance. There's a default setting of vigilance, and anxiety that has to be identified, embraced, and soothed, until I replace it.... until I can cultivate default settings I'm happy with.
Maybe some stories are true, and that's the case for me. I'm not in a war zone, but I'll be dealing with sabotage, and legal heinous fuvckery for many years to come, as will my children, and then there's the misogyny, and people in positions of power preying on those with no power.
And I hear about it when I turn on the tv, or radio. I react, when I want to respond. I'll be more capable IF I can calm the chaos, put down the story, and deal with what's in front of me right now.
That might not make sense, but it makes sense to me right now: )
Lighter
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((((Lighter))))
You are working so consciously and so consistently.
I can only imagine the reward and the relief is going to wind up deep and lasting.
You can be proud that you have applied all your intelligence and work ethic to healing yourself.
It's happy to hear this happen for you!
I want to thank you for that detailed description of deep or meditative breathing. It really helped me; I "saw" it instantly. How come nobody else ever taught me about the tummy vase???
One tiny thing that I beg forgiveness for in advance but don't think you'll mind. I just keep tripping over it so thought I'd tell you (my inner anal editor bossypants grammarian persona pops up sometimes, but feel free to swat her as she deserves!).
breath = the noun. for the air that goes in and out of you
breathe = the verb. for the action of breathing
I breathe, I breathed (present and past tense verb)
I felt my breath. I took a deep breath. (the noun, an object)
There. And it would be very nice if Hops spent more time on a breathing practice and less on spell-checking! LOL.
Hugs
Hops
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LOL! I don't know why that's so funny, but the grammar correction ( much appreciated btw) made me laugh!
Ok....thanks for the lesson: )
BTW I'm working on paperwork, and feeling ok about it. I'm surprised things are going this well.
I find myself breathing deeply out of habit lately. I notice when things tighten up and I stop breathing.
Breathing space into and around the tightness....picturing it as cotton....helps.
I'm not sure I'm ready to change my belief systems around this stress entirely....yet. I notice resistance, and voice it with T. I know I have to address that, and make peace with letting go of unresolved important unfair things, bc the cost of carrying it is too great.
I think this ties in with third party bystanders doing nothing. I don't want to BE that. THAT is worse than the predators in some ways, in my mind and experience.
T said changing will make positive response more likely, and that's something I can GWT behind, and make peace with.
Lighter
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make peace with letting go of unresolved important unfair things, bc the cost of carrying it is too great
I am so getting this. It's huge. It's a damn life goal. I get it.
Right now, in minor setting, I'm struggling with the same thing. Feeling disregarded and unappreciated at a church I've loved (and had many leadership roles in) for many years. "Old" members are stereotyped and disregarded in ways that look a lot like the national political atmosphere. Toxic minister finally resigned but his legacy is tribalism, division and toxic rants on social media. Not the place I once felt both safe and welcome in. I'm backing off for a while, hardly need the stress.
The good news is, I just connected with a mosquito and splatted that sucker! (I don't even remember a successful mosquito execution in many years. So I ain't lost my mojo.)
:)
Hops
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Another appointment with Therapist D. She's putting pieces together... familiar pieces... moved around, presented in different ways, at different times. She explains WHY things work, after she presents them, and she's so happy about the WHY. It worked for her, and she wants to share her freedom, her expanded interior space, her restoration of choice, and happiness.
It's a lovely way to SEE how to put radical acceptance, mindfulness, and somatic attention INTO practice for myself, when I need it most. When I need it most my limbic system is in charge, and denying access to higher brain thinking. Trying to think my way through seems logical, but it's impossible...
until...
I put my finger on my nose, breath into the bottom of the vase at the bottom of my diaphram, then fill
that
vase.
Slowly....
then release the air...
slowly, and tune into what I feel inside...
put my hand on it.....
name it, and search for the feeling under it.
Or not.
It's the breathing into it.... breathing space into that tightness....
providing expanding space around it....
paying attention to the space beside me, above me, below me, and occupying it.... bringing it inside.
And then I notice the tightness in my chest and abdomen eases up. The strangling feelings in my throat soften and receed. Space is around and in that area, and it's so
much
better.
I have to remember to put the stories on the shelf, and breath self compassion into that space. There's no room for stories here.... just being here.... being home.... now.
Today I practice what I want for my tomorrow.
If I want anxiety, and sadness, I practice those things today.
If I want relief, spaciousness, and a functional life....
I breath, pay attention to my inner world, embrace it all, good, bad and ugly, and name it.
Invite it in, which is familiar, and helpful in the past, but NOW I understand why, and where it's leading. It's the next step to overcoming the fight or flight shut down, spiral, static, chaos.... and shifting OUT of it.
Understandig the shift. Understanding things will get better, and I have control over it is really helpful.
Understanding lasting change can happen in between 1 to 2 months... helps.
I don't have to start over again and again and again. I can build on what I've got, and wire new pathways forever. They'll be mine, and it's like a rock's been moved from a tiny stream. The trickle CAN get through, but I can't let the rock roll back into it's comfortable place.
The PAT..... again.... Postive Affect Tolerance. There's a default setting of vigilance, and anxiety that has to be identified, embraced, and soothed, until I replace it.... until I can cultivate default settings I'm happy with.
Maybe some stories are true, and that's the case for me. I'm not in a war zone, but I'll be dealing with sabotage, and legal heinous fuvckery for many years to come, as will my children, and then there's the misogyny, and people in positions of power preying on those with no power.
And I hear about it when I turn on the tv, or radio. I react, when I want to respond. I'll be more capable IF I can calm the chaos, put down the story, and deal with what's in front of me right now.
That might not make sense, but it makes sense to me right now: )
Lighter
(((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))) It's like being parented again, don't you think? It's interesting to me that we need to be parented in different ways at different times in our lives. This kind of therapy seems/feels to me like someone re-parenting you by teaching you how to reset your pathways back to neutral - kind of like re-setting the computer to factory settings once it's got in such a muddle no-one can untangle the pieces anymore and work out what to do. Wipe, and start again. I'm so glad she's working with you like this; I think having a practical skill to use in a (hypothetical?) situation is so useful. And I only put hypothetical in brackets because by that I mean that we are often in a state of fear even though the bare bones of the situation in front of us doesn't warrant it. But you're right, it lights up those old fires and we go into fight or flight straight away. And we can't flee, because we've got our kids to look after, and the dinner needs cooking, and there is moss to attend to! Lol. And we can't really fight either, because there isn't actually anything there to fight. And so where does all that fear and emotion go? I'm so glad you've got someone there that is teaching you to manage it, and also validating it. I understand when people say, "the fear isn't real, there's nothing there to be afraid of". I get that, and my logical mind gets that, but the deeper part inside of me doesn't hear that at all. It's irrelevant to that bit, and that's the bit that's in charge in those situations, in my experience. So to have someone who understands that and is able to teach you a way to silently calm the part that's frightened - wow. Excellent parenting all round! Lol. I'm really glad she's doing this with you, and is this the person that happens to be very close by or was that a different doctor? I have got myself a bit confused and muddled some threads in my mind, I think.
Postive Affect Tolerance. Yep, I can get that. Feeling comfortable, secure, warm, looked after - doesn't feel normal. So odd that we get to a point where being uncomfortable is our default setting and not feeling that way feels wrong. I was talking to someone a little while ago who finally got some relief from a very painful problem she'd been dealing with. She said she actually got a bit low afterwards, because she'd got so used to being in pain and dealing with that that suddenly not having the pain left her a bit adrift and all these emotions came out that she hadn't realised where in there, because the focus on her pain had blocked everything else. We have to survive, don't we, whichever way we can, and sometimes cleaning up the mess afterwards is as much work as the original problem was. I'm really glad you have this person in your life now to help you with it and I am looking forward to reading the next update :) xx xx
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Tupp:
Since the last T visit I've noticed less stress running in the background. Less dread, and resistance. I don't know if there was a shift, or if more understanding pushed out some of the reactiveness. I don't worry about it.
I'm grateful, and it's opening up space for new ways of being in the world. Just noticing new creative thoughts is thrilling for me, and puts a hard underline beneath the resistance I let BE in the T"s office. I saw her face register it, and she backed off and found another way around it, and helped me.....
She helped me breathe space around it, and it appears that space was permanent, or at least lasting.
I think that was a big moment for me. This T is diwntown, 15 minutes away, and I got her name from the Neuro nurse practitioner, even though she had no availability, I called. It took some waiting but I snapped up a cancellation, and went in sans judgements, very weepy, and ready to untie the knots. I kinda wish I could just throw myself on the floor and sob, but I'm so used to holding it in....very difficult.
Interestingly, I felt a good deal of poking to the left of my belly button as the breathe work went on. I think I've been holding energy there my entire life.
I also think that finding the zone, being present, is something that is less cultivation, and more flipping the switch. We practice different techniques, but we're really trying to change default settings and processes in our brains and bodies, as you said. That makes sense, and is such a relief to know a switch can be flipped permanently, and built on.
If we struggle to flip it, and manage sporadically, getting switched back again and again, which can become a pattern too, it's demoralizing, and exhausting.....easy to judge ourselves harshly, which doesn't help. That takes up so much energy!
I know I carry more space inside myself now. I feel knots gone, not just unraveled, which is a surprise, and relief. I feel better. I want more. For all of us: )
Lighter
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I'm so happy to hear this, ((((Lighter))), so very glad for you.
You are doing wonderful, productive healing!
And:
easy to judge ourselves harshly, which doesn't help.
This is one of the truest answers you've found. It's not gymnastics or martial arts you're doing, where perfect performance and perfect form are goals, necessities.
What you're doing is full of gracious space, ultimate forgiveness, charity toward the self, leaps of trust (wow, you are doing it with this T and therefore with yourself).
There is NO skill that will move you forward as much as compassion will, for yourself and felt sincerely.
I am thrilled by the direction you're turning toward.
hugs
Hops
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Tupp:
Since the last T visit I've noticed less stress running in the background. Less dread, and resistance. I don't know if there was a shift, or if more understanding pushed out some of the reactiveness. I don't worry about it.
I'm grateful, and it's opening up space for new ways of being in the world. Just noticing new creative thoughts is thrilling for me, and puts a hard underline beneath the resistance I let BE in the T"s office. I saw her face register it, and she backed off and found another way around it, and helped me.....
She helped me breathe space around it, and it appears that space was permanent, or at least lasting.
I think that was a big moment for me. This T is diwntown, 15 minutes away, and I got her name from the Neuro nurse practitioner, even though she had no availability, I called. It took some waiting but I snapped up a cancellation, and went in sans judgements, very weepy, and ready to untie the knots. I kinda wish I could just throw myself on the floor and sob, but I'm so used to holding it in....very difficult.
Interestingly, I felt a good deal of poking to the left of my belly button as the breathe work went on. I think I've been holding energy there my entire life.
I also think that finding the zone, being present, is something that is less cultivation, and more flipping the switch. We practice different techniques, but we're really trying to change default settings and processes in our brains and bodies, as you said. That makes sense, and is such a relief to know a switch can be flipped permanently, and built on.
If we struggle to flip it, and manage sporadically, getting switched back again and again, which can become a pattern too, it's demoralizing, and exhausting.....easy to judge ourselves harshly, which doesn't help. That takes up so much energy!
I know I carry more space inside myself now. I feel knots gone, not just unraveled, which is a surprise, and relief. I feel better. I want more. For all of us: )
Lighter
I hope that she continues to make such good progress and such useful suggestions, Lighter. I think it's that unnoticed stress/baggage/difficulty that we carry with us that is so wearing. It always makes me think about what we can't see. If someone was trying to get a wardrobe up a flight of stairs you wouldn't ask them to carry a cup of tea as well. But we can be carrying the equivalent of an emotional wardrobe and then someone makes a thoughtless comment, or we get an email or a letter, or even an unannounced guest, who we like but just aren't in the right frame of mind for at that moment - and we can't cope, because we're carrying so much else. And no-one else can see what we're carrying, and it gets tiring trying to explain it to people so we try to just to the extra thing so we look 'normal'. It's just so exhausting. I'm so glad you are feeling less background stress - carrying a chair now, rather than a wardrobe :) I am finding I'm less stressed generally because we don't have college, and it does make the additional things less stressful. She sounds like a really good T.
And the creative thoughts, yes! So hard to have and keep and act upon creativity when there's so much day to day blah blah blah to deal with. Your moss garden sounds like a good creative project, as does the she shed! A whole whirlwind of female creativity going on :) xx
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....it's that unnoticed stress/baggage/difficulty that we carry with us that is so wearing. It always makes me think about what we can't see. If someone was trying to get a wardrobe up a flight of stairs you wouldn't ask them to carry a cup of tea as well.
This is a brilliant image, Tupp. It's going to stay with me.
Thanks,
Hops
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Returning from funeral in Toronto. Final arrival time is midnight, and I think I'll sleep on both flights.
Will try to catch up on board now.
Lighter
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DD17 had wisdom teeth removed yesterday. She was weepy alllll day long, in pain, and emotionally ping ponging around into the night. I was in such distress, it was really difficult. I was exhausted. Couldn't wait to sleep.
It's a good jumping off place to work on boundaries with T today.....
keeping emotional distance in place so we're not both in a hole. I learn how to remain outside dd's pain, shining a light on her and her stuff, so there's a chance of helping her out, and not getting sucked into the darkness too, kwim?
I'm going to handle my stuff, and trust she's wise enough, capable enough, competent enough to handle hers.
That
is
such
a
relief.
I can be OK, even when my loved ones are in pain.
That's new for me, in concrete practice.
Knowing something is different than practicing it.
Understanding how something is supposed to work is different than putting it in place.
I can't practice it UNLESS I calm myself down/get out of fight or flight mode. Learning how to do that is useful, and leads to feeling better. I thought about it as "hard" earlier, and T changed that into something more helpful, bc the body has no sense of humor, and takes thoughts on board, with gusto... implements them biologically.
I look forward to more ease in my life, from today forward.
I will mindfully choose the different resources, until they're second nature.
Tapping, before funeral last week, was immensely helpful.
I look forward to walking this part of my journey, with eyes on my journey.
It's a relief to stop making comparisons... to stop measuring myself in "successes" and things I've overcome, or will overcome.
Not thinking about it frees me up to actually be free.
Lighter
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I'm trying to work on not going into those dark places with someone else too, Lighter. Being close enough to understand and sympathize, but just outside the FEELING zone so, I can send the lifelines of light that are needed MORE, than me trying to assist carrying that wardrobe of burden up endless stairs.
It's OK if I don't get it right; I'm still learning, looking at it, and practicing.
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Yup. We practice trusting our loved ones will be strong enough to carry their burdens.
We stop short of experiencing their pain for them, and get a little distance on it.... and that feels wrong somehow.
BEING RIGHT THERE, in the moment, with them.... that's my default. Shouldering, willing them to feel better, and carry less.
That's not how it works, unfortunately.
We're stronger if we remain a tad distanced, and understand their pain. Not feel it with them, as you say.
Then we're more capable, stronger, able to act, and that's more helpful than being in the hole, IME.
T said tapping is super helpful for pain, btw. There are 8 points that are pretty easy to reach.
This too shall pass.
Lighter
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Right now, I'm having more success practicing this with Buck, than with the kids. I guess I need to just finally convince myself that at 40+ they either have acquired what they need to sort it out their own way... or they'll acquire the tools on their own.
But there are some new non-routine for me, things coming up with him that are objectively positive and stir up disquieted feelings of discomfort. I am going to have to learn how to ask for what I want; simply... without a lot of song & dance... because I'm really afraid to ask. (Old taboo I think)
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I tapped on a problem yesterday. Something that was vexing me during yardwork... had me mumbling to myself, and I just didn't want to do that anymore. I tapped on it, but noticed resistance to JUST DOING IT, without procrastinating. I felt better, and didn't think about the rest of the day, but..... reflection on the problem was still charged with a good deal of angst.
It's not routine to stop, tap, and move on.
Yet.
Notice, I resisted using the term "it's hard/difficult to remember/do it."
I changed it to something more positive.... "it will be my routine soon."
This morning I had my first Brain Center appointment, and learned a good deal.
First, my Alpha waves are supposed to be between 8 and 12.... 8 is sleeping, and 12 is very active. My brain waves were at 8, which wasn't surprising.
The biofeedback machine makes a noise when brain waves are where they're supposed to be, or heading in the right direction. Mine sounded like an electrical circuit cutting ON, OFF, ON, OFF. Just very add, but wonderful to imagine I have control... or will have control.
I really do feel my brain went into FAWN/FREEZE mode years ago, and I'm learning how to shake it off.
My brain has to work super hard to get simple tasks done. No surprises there.
Aside from vitamin D levels being super low, my thyroid is "sluggish." I have to go back to using the big muscles in the body, consistently, to build muscle.
I learned "tactical breathing" today. You breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for 4, and breath out for 4 seconds. 4 4 4 breathing. Law enforcement/military use it in crisis situations. You do it several times when stress hits.
Much of the day going from one room to another, repeating tasks on a vibration machine, dealing with the vestibular system, while going through the alphabet for girl's names, then boy names, then for items to take on a picnic.... apple, banana, cat, dog, elephant, Frankenstein, geode, etc. Starting from the beginning each time a new one is added. It's interesting how difficult it is to do the names. I mean, at the end of the first round I had difficulty breathing AND was getting really dizzy... and finding names was sometimes impossible.
What else? The metronome featured big. They put a sensor on your dominant hand, and you clap to the cowbell. Responses are measured/recorded.
You want to hit it exactly on the beat, which lights up a green box on the screen. Yellow lights mean you're a tad slow or fast, and the red means you're slow or fast. Lots of anticipatory claps points to trouble controlling impulses. This is more difficult than you might think. Getting it exactly on the beat takes intense focus, and I'll be doing thousands over the next week.
There's an electrical shock treatment applied to the tongue. A PoNS (Portable Neuromodulation Stimulator) machine in other Countries has been approved for personal use. This machine was applied by the doctor, and felt like a ferry thumping my tongue with a little hammer. You expect stinging, or heat, but it's not like that. My heart rate immediately improved, and continued to improve with each use. I learned how to improve my oxygen levels. This machine taps into the brain stem, and I'm interested in the research.
I had to make crazy 8s with my hands, and feet, opposite sides of the body, at the same time. I think the martial arts background made that easy, bc I just did it w/o thinking. First with support, holding onto a wall, then without support. See if you can do it. Arm extended, palm up, then down at each end of the 8. Foot low to the ground, side to side.
Focusing vision on a dot, then moving my head a tad to the right and left, while counting each time head moved. Then up and down, while counting. Counting means we keep breathing, bc intense focus often shuts down breathing.
We went through these over and over, changing things up each time. Core strength was determined on a mat on the floor doing planks, balancing while lifting a hand, or a leg, or both.
There were more things, but those give you an idea.
Amber, you have habits with the kiddos that you don't have with Buck. Also, Buck's always been an adult in your life, where your children have been every stage of human, from infant to adult. That gets all mixed up, and frozen when there's trauma, IME. I really have to think about letting the kids handle their stuff. Today I oldest was driving, and I just kept my mouth shut entirely. Normally I give plenty of warning before turns, etc, but not today. DD mentioned how different it was that I was silent, while remembering where to turn. She said it was odd not having my voice there, reminding her.
I'm conflicted about that. I think I started naming colors and shapes for the girls when they were tiny, and just never stopped explaining/naming things for them. I understand what I did, what I've done, and what I want to change. There are positives and negatives, and I'm going to skip judgments, and just get to making the changes I want to manifest.
The ability to shift into observer mode is easier now.
Lighter
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I started naming colors and shapes for the girls when they were tiny, and just never stopped explaining/naming things for them
What a terrific insight, Lighter. Wonderful. Empty of shame. Just insight.
Love it!
I am going to have to learn how to ask for what I want; simply...
Amber, same to you.
WOWS.
hugs
Hops
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I'm trying the 4-4-4 right now. It works.
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That's great news, G.
I try it every day, and it seems that tapping works best for me.
The doc said that deep belly gargling, and humming are other ways to calm ourselves.
I hummed all the way through the cottage renovation, with the crazy contractor upset, and demanding I stop. Honestly, I couldn't have stopped if I'd wanted to. Tomorrow I'll learn more about what people do, without realizing it, to calm down.
Lighter
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Just catching up on your thread as well now, Lighter, wow! That is a lot you have going on right now! Do you find doing the work on yourself tiring or invigorating? I'm always curious as to how resetting patterns and systems feels for people - it's interesting that it can be doing good but make you feel worse, or make you feel better straight away. I'm keeping the 4 4 4 in mind.
It's sooooo easy to just do for people when you're used to doing that. I find myself doing things sometimes and realising son can do it himself and I'm just doing it out of habit - almost like muscle memory? Not even conscious, just reacting. I am looking to see if I can find an app for his IPAd where we can load up everything he needs to remember to take with him to college or for trips out so he can just use that rather than me checking with him. Well done for not commenting on the driving - I'm a terrible passenger and generally have to spend my time looking far out into the view rather than at the road or I think a crash is imminent every time we go around a corner :) Lol xx
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Tupp: I don't always manage to remain silent in the car, but I'm working really hard at it.
T suggested a book about co-dependency. I just sent a text asking for that title. I know I'm ready to receive those messages; )
Hops: Thanks for comment regarding my naming and explaining things to tiny ones. I SEE how it happened, and it would have bothered me in the past. In fact, I used to feeeeeeel I shooooouuuuld do things better/right/perfectly and I felt that all the time. I'm learning to drop judgments, and keep moving. It's super helpful, IME.
Today I realized that I'm sorry I didn't seek out a good T, or this kind of Brain Therapy for trauma work sooner. The thing is, I don't think the programs were out there, and I don't think Ts like this are easy to find. I was told go to THIS T for trauma.... somatic mainly, and that didn't make connections for me. Maybe it was the timing, after all the reading, and classes, and alternative therapies.... it all came together now, and wouldn't have before.
Today I learned that cold water helps engage the parasympathetic system better than anything. If you turn on the cold water the last 10 seconds of your shower, for instance.
Using the big muscles in the body, exerting energy.... just DOING... running, pushing, anything, is helpful. This doc favors using our body weight, push ups, etc, for 20 minutes a day, then doing cardio for another 20. In his opinion, THIS one thing will help with a lot of our chemical problems. Not all, but certainly a good start to a mindful program including nutrition, breathing, gaze stabilization, cognitive and balance excercises. I'm shocked at how much by balance improved since I started this program.
He used to have a teenaged boy client who came in the office every morning super aggressive. He sent him out to sprint a quarter-mile, and this young man came back super calm, and ready to work. Amazing example.
So, gargling deep and hard,
humming,
cold water (bath/splash/shower/swim)
tactical breathing 4-4-4
Breathing in 5 seconds, and out for 10
tapping.... karate chopping blades of hands together to get started, then inside eyebrows, then outside corner eyes, then under eyes, under nose, under mouth, under collar bones, under armpits, top of head while first stating problem we're working on TWICE< then tapping on how we want things to be.... tapping on accepting and loving ourselves completely and unconditionally.... is more helpful than I can explain.
I plan to do the frontal occipital hold, somewhere in here, and see how that changes things, or doesn't.
I feel like a road block to thinking clearly was dislodged. I'm curious how much difference I'll notice while doing work I've been procrastinating over.
::sigh:::
Breath, Lighter.
Breath.
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Co-dependency is a huge issue for me, Lighter, and one I've had to work really hard at. I do wonder how much of it stems, not just from childhood 'not being heard' stuff but also from society's, 'women must be nice and put other people first and be caring' kind of stuff as well. It will be interesting for you to see if anything in it resonates with you. I think it's particularly hard to know, especially with children or poorly people, how much is their genuine need for care and how much is us feeling obligated or compelled.
I think we can only do healing work when we've got time. You wouldn't have been able to work with this T during all the court cases, you simply wouldn't have had the time. Then recovering, then home educating your girls, then sorting out your house, the beach house, the scary bits when the rellies have popped up again. There's a pattern of enduring, trying to rebuild, enduring, trying to rebuild. You wouldn't have been able to do this work with this T with all of that going on so - pat on the back for doing it now, no berating for not doing it sooner :)
Exercise and kids, and boys in particular - yes, yes, yes. I personally think our education system is far too inactive - too much sitting around writing on bits of paper when they should be running and playing and doing. And then it impacts out of school - computer games, TV, social media. Out doing sport, running, walking - so much better xx
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Grrr..I wrote a long response to your post, Tupp but it's not here!
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Co-dependency is a huge issue for me, Lighter, and one I've had to work really hard at. I ordered the 3 books, used on Amazon, my T referred on Codependency. I do wonder how much of it stems, not just from childhood 'not being heard' stuff but also from society's, 'women must be nice and put other people first and be caring' kind of stuff as well. I agree, it's not all childhood stuff, Tupp. There's a lot of gender stuff, and societal expectations involved, IME. I've felt permission to speak is granted more easily when we're DOING for others, caring for others, volunteering our time, etc. It's certainly been a large part of my life, and I'm not sure how these next years are going to go. I can't imagine doing anything the same way. I think I'm done, and in that void between where I've been, and want to be. Everyone goes through this void. The void is familiar, even though I've traveled it at different times in my life, for different reasons. It's my turn, and yours, I guess. It will be interesting for you to see if anything in it resonates with you. I think it's particularly hard to know, especially with children or poorly people, how much is their genuine need for care and how much is us feeling obligated or compelled. FOG Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. I'm sure these are huge motivating factors. There's identity, and purpose in caring for others, and those of us lacking boundaries, or watching others model them to any extent, don't know how to avoid the sunny side of control.... "helping." There's permission to speak, and permission to take up space when we're in certain positions, IME. I didn't have children to find identity, but I certainly found my voice advocating for them. The truth is, I'd rather turn around, disengage, and withdraw than advocate for myself.
I don't know, Tupp. There's the gender thing, and then there's the protecting our children from the real threat of Grandparents, and in my case, my childrens' father.... people who would have protected us and our children. That's a whole'nuther level of heinous fuckery, IME. Being attacked and flanked in ways we can't see coming, or protect against, with the systems that BE orchestrated against us too. I don't know what to say about that. It's clogging up our civil court system, which is on the brink anyway. That hardwires into the brain.... all of it. I'm positive I was more protective BECAUSE of the circumstances in our lives, same as you. And health problems with our children, something no one knows how to deal with, on top of it. I think we've done an amazing job, considering the waves we've surfed. We didn't drown. We kept popping back to the surface, getting our bearings, and soldiering on, and that's the thing...... I think we can stop soldiering. I think we can unhook those very useful alarm bells, and shift into calm waters..... carry those waters within us, and BE on that calm surface no matter what's going on around us.
Wouldn't it be amazing to barely register a letter or e mail from a source of stress? To just see it, and not experience a chemical dump we have to recover from? To dread no more. I think we can, and we're learning how right now.
I think we can only do healing work when we've got time. You wouldn't have been able to work with this T during all the court cases, you simply wouldn't have had the time. I know I would have benefitted from having access to chats with my T... if I could have calmed enough to hear her. I think she had answers to coping that I didn't understand, but needed in my life. My martial arts teacher tried to sit me down, and get me meditating, but that just made me frustrated and a bit angry at the word "meditation." I felt like there should be easier ways to teach, and share that information, and I guess everyone has different ways of learning. I'm not frustrated anymore bc I can SEE it now. I can touch it, and breath it and experience relief, and that's honestly the most refreshing thing. Sure, it would have been helpful 16 years ago, or 30, or 50, but ya know..... it is what it is, and I'm learning to do better NOW. I'm modeling better for my girls NOW. That's all that matters is now: )Then recovering, then home educating your girls, then sorting out your house, the beach house, the scary bits when the rellies have popped up again. Tools and knowing how to cope better would have been super helpful through all that, Tupp. There's a pattern of enduring, trying to rebuild, enduring, trying to rebuild. Yup, nad the unfortunate thing about enduing and surviving is learning how to endure and survive as our default setting. And then we're stuck. Surviving, and reacting to crisis.... all the time. And that's what our brains do daily, instead of recovering. I saw it happen. I felt it happen to me. I knew it was a terrible thing shutting my brain down, limiting the choices I had, and norrowing my scope.You wouldn't have been able to do this work with this T with all of that going on so - pat on the back for doing it now, no berating for not doing it sooner :) I wouldn't have, but I sure wish I had. It's funny that my girls learned about breathing from the brain doctor, with his statistics, and studies, and scientific avenue, rather than from a T. Both girls have been seeing Ts, and they haven't received THIS information, or understood it THIS way. This information is in the world, but it's undermined by Western medicine, and ignorant people. I think my girls hearing it from a doctor was a pretty good place to get it, IMO.
Exercise and kids, and boys in particular - yes, yes, yes. I personally think our education system is far too inactive - too much sitting around writing on bits of paper when they should be running and playing and doing. And then it impacts out of school - computer games, TV, social media. Out doing sport, running, walking - so much better xx I so agree with you there: )
(((Tupp))) How was your birthday? Did you see your friend?
Lighter
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Ah, Lighter strikes again!
The Void between what is and what is now and what we want to be. It's easy to get a little too cozy in the Void, or what "is" now, and not move on to what we want to be. To be fearful of being "good enough" or "smart enough now" or having the "right stuff" to start changing - like we're cursed to be forever, what we adopted to survive. Those tools served their purpose and might not be helpful now, ya know? Maybe occasionally, but not all the time.
And when we're on the path to being something else, than what we've been, occasionally the old habits come back up. The only thing required at those times, is to acknowledge it - oh yeah, that again - and consciously choose to get back to the path. Fear is present too. Almost ALWAYS I deal with - "well, is this really the direction I want to go in?" - second-guessing myself. I'm afraid of getting myself trapped into something that isn't what it appeared to be. Despite the fact that I survived and "escaped" the first time.
But ya know what? IF that does happen, I can still change my mind and direction again.
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Amber:
It's really difficult to get to the other side of the void. The way OUT can be many things... wrong ways are abundant. Getting stuck in the void, finding the wrong exit, getting stuck back in old coping strategies, and making the wrong turns INSIDE the void. It's complicated.... hard to be in the void, and process through it.... no right way... just OUT the right end. Good to have a teacher to keep us on track, reassure us through the rough patches, and steer us back on track when we veer off course. Yes.
I'm guessing BEING in the void can begin to feel like comfort, and home. Identifying the void as our place in the world, as WHO we are, and what we're doing.... tough tough tough. I'm tired of the void, and want something new. Wanting it, and getting it, are two different things.
I'm guessing that it's rather a relief for those of us who've lived thorugh super crisis, the void can be a relief in some ways. To exit crisis, and remain in the place that got us THROUGH the crisis... ready for the next one..... feeling in control, but suffering bc of being there.
And there are people who've DONE this, their books are touchstones.... words fig. clicking their fingers in front of our eyes, reminding us to TAKE our attention from whatever it is that HAS us, keeps us mired.... clicking to get our focus back on task, and keep bringing it back to that place.
For me, it's a balance of living outside my issues, and calming my brain and CNS DOWN, so I CAN deal with the past eventually. To create, and allow circumstances to give my brain the opportunity to file that information where it needs to go. The brain is super efficient and constantly trying to complete the work if only we provide opportunity... then it's done in under a second. Just DONE. Poof. Like magic, but not magic at all. More science, and chemistry, and the knowledge we have power over our biology. We have neuroplasticity. Our heart rate, and ability to fluctuate, matters. Our vagal system is important in ways we're still discovering.
If we want to take control of our lives, we find the teachers who explain things in the way we understand, and we keep practicing.
Since I landed on this board it's been interesting to see posters GET information from one, but not another, bc of the way information was shared, or how it was explained.
Sometimes posters don't seem to hear, or SEE anything, no matter how many posters explain, and attempt to share information. I can honestly say I'm sure I've BEEN that poster, and I can say I've identified posters I perceived to find comfort in not knowing, or understanding or making different choices.... and that's OK. It has to be OK. I learned from it, and I still learn from it. I can't judge it, bc it's my story too. What happened that I made the leaps, and I've made leaps. There's no denying it.
This last leap includes connecting connection between the little leaps, and seeing how they interact, and make lasting change possible. Breathing, biology, engaging the frontal cortex by unhooking the alarm bells/fight or flight system that comes online without knowledge......... just SEEING it, and DOING it, with mindfulness, and with all the smaller leaps... connecting dots, breathing, biology, SEEIng how we can control it, and bring real lasting change. And doing it over and over and over, despite backsliding and crisis, and despair, and doubt. Just going back to the basics, and walking through the steps..... finding those touchstones, and touching them. One. Two. Three. Four. Over and over, till it's habit, and new pathways are forming.
I think some of the brain balancing stuff, regarding resistance and unconscious belief systems, will be helpful soon. Once I get some of these practices down.
Lighter
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Ah, Lighter strikes again!
The Void between what is and what is now and what we want to be. It's easy to get a little too cozy in the Void, or what "is" now, and not move on to what we want to be. To be fearful of being "good enough" or "smart enough now" or having the "right stuff" to start changing - like we're cursed to be forever, what we adopted to survive. Those tools served their purpose and might not be helpful now, ya know? Maybe occasionally, but not all the time.
And when we're on the path to being something else, than what we've been, occasionally the old habits come back up. The only thing required at those times, is to acknowledge it - oh yeah, that again - and consciously choose to get back to the path. Fear is present too. Almost ALWAYS I deal with - "well, is this really the direction I want to go in?" - second-guessing myself. I'm afraid of getting myself trapped into something that isn't what it appeared to be. Despite the fact that I survived and "escaped" the first time.
But ya know what? IF that does happen, I can still change my mind and direction again.
Skep, isn't that just it - you can change your mind and your direction. Doesn't matter if you've dedicated x number of months/years to a certain way of doing things - if you find it isn't working you can do it differently. What I'm liking now is that I feel I'm noticing and recognising things much sooner, and I'm more willing to acknowledge that x situation is looking like previous b situation and I can try to swerve and avoid ending up in the same place again. Little by little, isn't it? xx
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Co-dependency is a huge issue for me, Lighter, and one I've had to work really hard at. I ordered the 3 books, used on Amazon, my T referred on Codependency. I do wonder how much of it stems, not just from childhood 'not being heard' stuff but also from society's, 'women must be nice and put other people first and be caring' kind of stuff as well. I agree, it's not all childhood stuff, Tupp. There's a lot of gender stuff, and societal expectations involved, IME. I've felt permission to speak is granted more easily when we're DOING for others, caring for others, volunteering our time, etc. It's certainly been a large part of my life, and I'm not sure how these next years are going to go. I can't imagine doing anything the same way. I think I'm done, and in that void between where I've been, and want to be. Everyone goes through this void. The void is familiar, even though I've traveled it at different times in my life, for different reasons. It's my turn, and yours, I guess. It will be interesting for you to see if anything in it resonates with you. I think it's particularly hard to know, especially with children or poorly people, how much is their genuine need for care and how much is us feeling obligated or compelled. FOG Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. I'm sure these are huge motivating factors. There's identity, and purpose in caring for others, and those of us lacking boundaries, or watching others model them to any extent, don't know how to avoid the sunny side of control.... "helping." There's permission to speak, and permission to take up space when we're in certain positions, IME. I didn't have children to find identity, but I certainly found my voice advocating for them. The truth is, I'd rather turn around, disengage, and withdraw than advocate for myself.
I don't know, Tupp. There's the gender thing, and then there's the protecting our children from the real threat of Grandparents, and in my case, my childrens' father.... people who would have protected us and our children. That's a whole'nuther level of heinous fuckery, IME. Being attacked and flanked in ways we can't see coming, or protect against, with the systems that BE orchestrated against us too. I don't know what to say about that. It's clogging up our civil court system, which is on the brink anyway. That hardwires into the brain.... all of it. I'm positive I was more protective BECAUSE of the circumstances in our lives, same as you. And health problems with our children, something no one knows how to deal with, on top of it. I think we've done an amazing job, considering the waves we've surfed. We didn't drown. We kept popping back to the surface, getting our bearings, and soldiering on, and that's the thing...... I think we can stop soldiering. I think we can unhook those very useful alarm bells, and shift into calm waters..... carry those waters within us, and BE on that calm surface no matter what's going on around us.
Wouldn't it be amazing to barely register a letter or e mail from a source of stress? To just see it, and not experience a chemical dump we have to recover from? To dread no more. I think we can, and we're learning how right now.
I think we can only do healing work when we've got time. You wouldn't have been able to work with this T during all the court cases, you simply wouldn't have had the time. I know I would have benefitted from having access to chats with my T... if I could have calmed enough to hear her. I think she had answers to coping that I didn't understand, but needed in my life. My martial arts teacher tried to sit me down, and get me meditating, but that just made me frustrated and a bit angry at the word "meditation." I felt like there should be easier ways to teach, and share that information, and I guess everyone has different ways of learning. I'm not frustrated anymore bc I can SEE it now. I can touch it, and breath it and experience relief, and that's honestly the most refreshing thing. Sure, it would have been helpful 16 years ago, or 30, or 50, but ya know..... it is what it is, and I'm learning to do better NOW. I'm modeling better for my girls NOW. That's all that matters is now: )Then recovering, then home educating your girls, then sorting out your house, the beach house, the scary bits when the rellies have popped up again. Tools and knowing how to cope better would have been super helpful through all that, Tupp. There's a pattern of enduring, trying to rebuild, enduring, trying to rebuild. Yup, nad the unfortunate thing about enduing and surviving is learning how to endure and survive as our default setting. And then we're stuck. Surviving, and reacting to crisis.... all the time. And that's what our brains do daily, instead of recovering. I saw it happen. I felt it happen to me. I knew it was a terrible thing shutting my brain down, limiting the choices I had, and norrowing my scope.You wouldn't have been able to do this work with this T with all of that going on so - pat on the back for doing it now, no berating for not doing it sooner :) I wouldn't have, but I sure wish I had. It's funny that my girls learned about breathing from the brain doctor, with his statistics, and studies, and scientific avenue, rather than from a T. Both girls have been seeing Ts, and they haven't received THIS information, or understood it THIS way. This information is in the world, but it's undermined by Western medicine, and ignorant people. I think my girls hearing it from a doctor was a pretty good place to get it, IMO.
Exercise and kids, and boys in particular - yes, yes, yes. I personally think our education system is far too inactive - too much sitting around writing on bits of paper when they should be running and playing and doing. And then it impacts out of school - computer games, TV, social media. Out doing sport, running, walking - so much better xx I so agree with you there: )
(((Tupp))) How was your birthday? Did you see your friend?
Lighter
I'm nodding, Lighter, always nodding lol :)
Birthday was nice; I did see my friend and really must focus on friends I have. Good friends on here, two good friends in real life, the one I saw on my birthday purposely booked their holiday so that they were in our area on my birthday and stayed later than they should have so that we could have lunch. The weather was awful and sensibly it would have been best for them to leave early and get home before the storm but they stayed and it took them three hours extra to get home again. I felt guilty and apologised - keeping in mind they have a son with severe learning disabilities so everything is harder for them to do - and my friend said, "You're worth it" which was just so lovely of her. So yes, I must shift my focus to my lovely friends who do keep in contact with me and not fret about the ones who don't.
Nodding through the rest of your post. I would do so much so differently if I knew back then what I know now. I'd pursue my dreams instead of letting other people tell me they were stupid and talk me out of them. If I'd known my son's father would be so awful and cause so many problems I'd never have told him about the pregnancy or anyone else for that matter. I'd have slipped off somewhere new, unknown to anyone and started afresh. I didn't have the confidence to do anything like that then, nor did I think I could cope on my own, plus I always felt very obliged to 'do the right thing'. I'd have avoided the system altogether, gone private for healthcare, got son a good nanny and carried on working. But none of that made sense back then, because I didn't know what I know now. Now, I can stop to think, is this good for me? Or do I just expect it/assume/is it easier for someone else. And I'm getting better at saying no and putting my own time first. Example - a friend messaged late last night wanting to meet Monday or Tuesday. I plan my month the day before the month starts - have to, it's the only way to manage son's health problems (and mine now as well). Workload is huge and I try to build in fun things and down time as well. Have explained this to people time and time again, have tried getting people to arrange meeting up in advance, to no avail. So I've had to say no to friend and it makes me feel guilty - but I have to tell myself she's a 54 year old woman and perfectly capable of organising her time more than a day in advance. So I'm trying to refocus the feelings so that hopefully, eventually, it won't cross my mind - I'll just say no and that will be it.
Yes, not registering any kind of stress from an email or letter. I was talking to the acupuncture guy about exactly this during the week. His view is that the way to work with it is to recognise it, accept it and break it down, working on calming the system as the mind won't calm if the adrenalin is flowing and the fight/flight responses are pumping hard. Slow breathing, calming exercise, run through possible scenarios and how likely they are. I jump from 'letter' to 'son taken into care' in less than the time it would take to open the envelope. Working on that.
Teaching the kids - we are teaching our kids better habits and better skills and, hopefully, giving them a lot less stress to deal with in the family home (less stress that we've had to deal with). So hopefully when tough times come their way they will be better equipped - not already overloaded with decades of trying to cope and not without healthy mechanisms (my mum's approach to problem solving is to drink to avoid it - it's all I did for years, it didn't even occur to me to try another way. I can remember a therapist suggesting to me that next time I went out I didn't have a drink - I thought she was completely mad).
We're getting there, Lighter - mindfully! :) xx xx
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With the tiniest of edits, could you send this message to that late-planning friend?
I plan my month the day before the month starts - I have to, it's the only way to manage son's health problems (and mine now as well). The workload is huge so I need to build in fun things and down time as well. I ask friends to arrange meeting up well in advance, but that's hard to remember. So I often have to say no, which is disappointing. I'd love to see you. Can you pick a date a few weeks away? I would so look forward to it! Please let me know.
It's just a good succinct summary of the issue, and there's nothing in it that would make anyone feel defensive, I think. Just honest, helpful, actionable info.
She could rise to the occasion or not, but she would have received it in writing. Just fantasizing that this might help. A text or email that spells it out....? If she's too oblivious to modify her behavior at ALL, well unhappily, it's info for you too then.
Hugs
Hops
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With the tiniest of edits, could you send this message to that late-planning friend?
I plan my month the day before the month starts - I have to, it's the only way to manage son's health problems (and mine now as well). The workload is huge so I need to build in fun things and down time as well. I ask friends to arrange meeting up well in advance, but that's hard to remember. So I often have to say no, which is disappointing. I'd love to see you. Can you pick a date a few weeks away? I would so look forward to it! Please let me know.
It's just a good succinct summary of the issue, and there's nothing in it that would make anyone feel defensive, I think. Just honest, helpful, actionable info.
She could rise to the occasion or not, but she would have received it in writing. Just fantasizing that this might help. A text or email that spells it out....? If she's too oblivious to modify her behavior at ALL, well unhappily, it's info for you too then.
Hugs
Hops
Hopsie, I've explained the situation to everyone I know time and time again, face to face, on the phone, via text - it just falls on deaf ears. I'm just not willing to work so hard with people any more :) I've got friends who are capable of organising get togethers well in advance, or ones I keep in touch with here or by phone/text as they live further away and I'm putting my energy into that now :) People know where I am and they know the situation so they're welcome to get in touch if they want to but I'm not willing to chase any more :) xx xx
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I'm not willing to chase any more
Bravo! That makes perfect sense, that you've told everyone who'd listen. And those who can't/won't/don't listen deserve winnowing.
Good for you.
Hugs
Hops
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Tupp:
Your birthday post made me so happy!
Those are the kinds of friends worth cultivating, IME.
The ones, who can't see or hear your struggle, can be released with love... or not.
I think it's important to adjust expectations either way.
Again.... so glad you had a happy birthday!
Lighter
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Tupp:
Your birthday post made me so happy!
Those are the kinds of friends worth cultivating, IME.
The ones, who can't see or hear your struggle, can be released with love... or not.
I think it's important to adjust expectations either way.
Again.... so glad you had a happy birthday!
Lighter
Thanks, Lighter. They are really good friends. I'm very lucky to have them (and all of you guys). I think I'm at a point where perhaps I do need to be around people who are a bit more intuitive and kind of 'get' what I need without me having to tell them. Not to the point of people needing to be mind readers - but I'm a bit tired of having to explain to people that I'm exhausted when they know I never get a day off, that we can't come out today when they know how hard son finds it do certain things, that I'm lonely when they know I live on my own, can't get out, haven't got family and so on. I don't mind at all with people who don't know me but I've got that funny thing where I feel lonelier when I'm with people I know well and they still don't seem to get it than I do when I'm with people I don't know at all? Odd situation really. But yes, it was a lovely birthday and I am very lucky to have such good people in my life xx xx
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I try to remind myself...,
Some people just can't hear me when I speak.
That's a truth for me.
I don't know why, and it doesn't matter, as long as I'm clear now.
Trying to explain anything to people who cannot or will not hear....is maddening, and I know better than to try.
I don't know how that's going to play out in my life, but it's worth a hard look for me too.
Giving so much of ourselves to others, without receiving in return, has to change.
Not being heard has to change.
Carrying unrealistic expectations is something we have to identify, and change ourselves. Why do we expect people to change?
We have to be the change, create the change, and change our habits.
I guess we have to give up hope, and go from there. We'll free up space for new things.
Lighter
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I try to remind myself...,
Some people just can't hear me when I speak.
That's a truth for me.
I don't know why, and it doesn't matter, as long as I'm clear now.
Trying to explain anything to people who cannot or will not hear....is maddening, and I know better than to try.
I don't know how that's going to play out in my life, but it's worth a hard look for me too.
Giving so much of ourselves to others, without receiving in return, has to change.
Not being heard has to change.
Carrying unrealistic expectations is something we have to identify, and change ourselves. Why do we expect people to change?
We have to be the change, create the change, and change our habits.
I guess we have to give up hope, and go from there. We'll free up space for new things.
Lighter
Lighter, I think a lot of whether people can 'hear' you is about their mindset and whether their mind is at a similar level to yours - I don't mean necessarily in an intellectual way or that you have opinions that you agree on - but whether they 'see' the world in the same way that you do. I'm amazed at how closed minded some people can be and how, however much information or evidence you give them, they still refuse to hear the information or acknowledge it. Maybe it's a defence mechanism on their part or something? But yes, definitely good to focus on folk who can hear and who do want to make an effort around you :) How are things going on the island? xx
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perhaps I do need to be around people who are a bit more intuitive and kind of 'get' what I need without me having to tell them. (http://perhaps I do need to be around people who are a bit more intuitive and kind of 'get' what I need without me having to tell them.)
((((Tupp))))
I think it's actually a really good practice to explain what you need even to people who "should know." Just work in the mantra without the painful conclusions. Sort of like saying to yourself, I don't know why I should need to repeat what seems obvious, but I value this person, and if I do say it clearly, my chances they'll get it (even a little bit better, over time) increase. Maybe I can learn to present these facts neutrally and unhook them from my emotions. Just reciting facts....like you teach a toddler by giving the same instructions over and over again.... but without expectations. Like weather. Oh here we go, rain, grab brolly. Or here we go, friend seems oblivious, repeat instructions:
"Sorry, I'm exhausted."
"Wish I could, but we have to factor in son. He can't do that."
"I'm quite lonely, since people have trouble remembering."
Lather, rinse, repeat....
Boring. But boring is good. If you can shift your instructions-comments to friends from anguish to boredom ... might get easier.
Meanwhile, makes so much sense to invest more time in those that don't need so many reminders of your realities and necessary boundaries. Ideas above were just in thinking of the oblivious ones you still like enough to deal with.
Hugs
Hops
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I feel like I just ran a marathon, Tupp. Very tired....worked all night, lost power from 5am to 7, and it turns out I work well by candlelight. Who knew?
Cottage looked great when I arrived. Then I saw the mold. And droopy fan blades.....on the brand new fan, under the new ceiling....kinda green too.
So I have leaks, whisk is odd, bc normally the walls aren't wet. Bathroom walls wet, bead board popping off the wall.
I'm not gonna lie.
I
Was
Overwhelmed and hating life. Getting stood up by roofer, referred by housekeeper. I called my guy...sweet, sober and Haitian. Housekeeper S not happy, but the guy shows up.
So, I'm breathing, Tupp. A lot. 8 really think 8t helps. And I'm asking for help....some would day from Angels, but I'm asking my loved ones who already passed on.I feel it's very positive, and I got real busy up on the roof, in the attic....things I didn't plan on, at the expense of organizing, and readying for renters. Hopefully.
Luggage was heavy, and had to be carried....no wheels. Picture massage table badge, and a golf bag.
I was channeling tidy organized you, Tupp, with my little lable maker. Almost finished them.... Almost.
Lord I wish I could just go and fish, swim, and read for once. You wouldn't believe the stuff I lugged, and sweat just pouring in the sea can, which I organized first.
It was odd to make BIG noises, and not have a dog barking, or the girls upset. I hear made noise, and liked it.
I researched metal roof leaks and maintenance. I think the silicone caulk won't fix this, but someone else went North to pick it up. I feeeel like somethings happening, and with bad weather on the way, I'll settle for feeling better, till I can get up there and do repairs myself.
It didn't look too hard.
That's a short version, but thanks for asking. I have a beautiful coffee, will eat for the first time today...getting hungry. The truth is my feet hurt and I'm too bleary to remember my connecting airline, so I'm sitting, and happy to write an update; )
Lighter
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Oy, (((Lighter))).
Every time I read about your island cottage I wish some zillionaire would suddenly contact you with an amaaaaaazing offer you can't refuse (in a good way). It just sounds so exhausting and miserable, with so many things wrong, every time.
Family reunions and fun can happen at RENTED island places, right?
Big hugs
Hops
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Hmmm....the marina down the beach just sold to a billionaire, or so the story goes. The bad news is, he shut down the restaurant and ship's store....he doesn't want anyone on the premises during renovations. The good news is, he's renovating. I'm hoping this means good things, but it's hard to say.
And there's always exhaustion and misery involved. It's just so
Much
Better than it was during the renovation. Was that last year?
The cottage felt like a Dawn of the Dead prison, with a crazy little sociopath contractor demanding attention.....big demented toddler.
Anyway,it's better now.
Lighter
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Lighter - you might be feeling (physically) the effects of approaching TS Dorian. I'm not sure where your island is, but what I heard this morning, is they're not sure where Dorian's going to go - and it's possible he/she might strengthen to a Cat 1.
That could also explain SOME of the moisture issues too. Humidity goes sky high right before a storm.
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I read Puerto Rico but maybe that's not the most recent update for the storm. But then after that it's going over the Bahamas I guess. Ah that's pretty scary Lighter. I'm not sure where you are at but it seems like you might be right in the storm's path??
"A swath of heavy rain, locally damaging winds and battering surf is in store, but the worst conditions are likely to be over a relatively narrow path over open water and across the northern islands of the Bahamas like Grand Bahama and Grand Abaco.
At this time, lesser impacts are expected across the southern half of the Bahamas, farther from the track of Dorian."
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AAAAACKKK!
Lighter, report in when you can!
Stay safe,
Hops
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Right now, looks like Florida (somewhere) is the bullseye - but there are a LOT of islands before the storm gets there. I take it you've already heeded the warning, Lighter and are high-tailing it back home. This time forecasters aren't sure what the final track will be... and there's been discussion of the storm moving up the coast to GA & the Carolinas. That all remains to be seen; storms are like that. I'm hearing it'll be anything from a cat 1 to a cat 4; LOL. I just know that if you're traveling, you might run into delays or difficulties depending on where the storm goes.
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I'm home watching the hurricane path.
It's not good.
My niece is heading here Sunday.... she goes to school in Florida. Lots of people in harms way.
I'm not having a difficult time picturing 140 mh winds. It's terrifying, and yes, Amber. Our island is 45 miles off the coast of Miami.... right there in the path WITH Florida. When you look at the map, the little dot, closest to Florida, is our island.
You never know what's going to happen, but it's strange. You find yourself bargaining, and trying to work out what it would MEAN if this or that happened. Once you begin willing the storm in someone else's direction, it just feels too bad, and you stop thinking about it for awhile. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I also don't want the year's worth of work, blood, sweat, tears, biting my tongue, hurting myself walking and carrying, and holding, and hammering, and drilling, and fetching, and waiting, and scratching, and getting screwed by customs, and freighters, and....
THIS is not keeping my head where my feet are, nope nope nope.
I pray for the safety of everyone in harm's way. I pray the little cottage stays safe, and the listing badly seawall holds. I pray the roof remains intact, and the storm surge doesn't do what it's likely to do.
Lighter
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My renter thinks the hurricane will hit Freeport full force, and hit Bimini only with 90mph winds. He seems completely unconcerned, and is considering sheltering in the guest cottage. I look at the satellite pictures, and don't understand his casual attitude. His sister's house is in the middle of the South island, on a canal, and I'm thinking that's safer than the guest cottage.
I confirmed the chairs are inside, and the cottage shutters are all closed, though I don't know what's still running, AC wise. Certainly the electricity will be out, no matter what the wind speed is, so I guess it doesn't really matter. There are still 2 shutters open on the guest cottage. Likely the large sliding door on the ocean side, and the one between the two buildings.
The most vulnerable parts of the roof were caulked, the trim piece was installed at bottom of exterior doors to keep the wind and rain out, the little bridge on sea wall was screwed in place, and the last shade screen taken down.
Everyone assures me they'll find safe places to shelter, but they don't seem to have plans. Very concerning.
Lighter
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I feel like I just ran a marathon, Tupp. Very tired....worked all night, lost power from 5am to 7, and it turns out I work well by candlelight. Who knew?
Cottage looked great when I arrived. Then I saw the mold. And droopy fan blades.....on the brand new fan, under the new ceiling....kinda green too.
So I have leaks, whisk is odd, bc normally the walls aren't wet. Bathroom walls wet, bead board popping off the wall.
I'm not gonna lie.
I
Was
Overwhelmed and hating life. Getting stood up by roofer, referred by housekeeper. I called my guy...sweet, sober and Haitian. Housekeeper S not happy, but the guy shows up.
So, I'm breathing, Tupp. A lot. 8 really think 8t helps. And I'm asking for help....some would day from Angels, but I'm asking my loved ones who already passed on.I feel it's very positive, and I got real busy up on the roof, in the attic....things I didn't plan on, at the expense of organizing, and readying for renters. Hopefully.
Luggage was heavy, and had to be carried....no wheels. Picture massage table badge, and a golf bag.
I was channeling tidy organized you, Tupp, with my little lable maker. Almost finished them.... Almost.
Lord I wish I could just go and fish, swim, and read for once. You wouldn't believe the stuff I lugged, and sweat just pouring in the sea can, which I organized first.
It was odd to make BIG noises, and not have a dog barking, or the girls upset. I hear made noise, and liked it.
I researched metal roof leaks and maintenance. I think the silicone caulk won't fix this, but someone else went North to pick it up. I feeeel like somethings happening, and with bad weather on the way, I'll settle for feeling better, till I can get up there and do repairs myself.
It didn't look too hard.
That's a short version, but thanks for asking. I have a beautiful coffee, will eat for the first time today...getting hungry. The truth is my feet hurt and I'm too bleary to remember my connecting airline, so I'm sitting, and happy to write an update; )
Lighter
Oh Lighter, my heart sank as I read this, I so get that feeling of having loads to do, much of it unplanned and having to constantly deal with all sorts of crap. And yes, the longing to just sit and not have anything to do, just to swim and read - oh my days, what heaven! I hope you're feeling a bit more human now.
If the cottage was damaged in the storm would insurance pay to get repairs done? I just wondered if it might turn out to be a blessing in disguise and mean that you can get everything done by other people and just fly a team in from Miami or something? That is probably a wildly optimistic thought on my part lol. I get what you mean about not wanting anyone to get hurt, Mother Nature is not to be messed with. I hope people have stayed safe, I read that they've evacuated a lot so hopefully people will be okay xx
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Nope. No insurance, which is one reason I'd freak out if the cottage got scraped off the island.
Anyhoo, today I was thinking about the high cost of judging others, and myself, vs observing with compassion.
I try to see things with compassion, and to not judge, but then I find myself judging, and it's almost always without kindness.
That strikes a chord with me, and it's always a downward spiral. Always. Guilt. Feeling like I've failed, etc.
Particularly where vulnerable children are harmed by caregivers, or the system. It's almost impossible to remain level, though I've done it, and managed to get there if I notice what I'm doing.
Many times I just can't get around the anger at the injustice, and I go ahead and have it.
Parents don't win anything when they harm their own children. Not really.
The system re victimizing victims.... a lose lose proposition. I haven't found a way to deal with that. Not yet at any rate. Sometimes I follow it through to it's logical conclusions, when I'm really seeking answers, and I find there are no good answers. None. That's demoralizing, but it helps me define the truth and limitations in the situations.
Everyone is doing their best, and the system doesn't know who to believe. The system is limited, and flawed, and overwhelmed, and honestly jaded and bitter in many cases bc of inherent limitations in the system, and with court officers who aren't educated about PDs. Humans are flawed beings, and they're reacting to their own histories.
And so, I notice I breathe in deeply here, and all my chemicals are released in a stomach flipping rush I avoided up to this point.... biology hijack. And I was focused on being calm when it happened. It's an automatic response, and I want to change that.
I always always feel less than, and diminished and small when I give in to the anger. It's just not very helpful, and doesn't get me anything I really want.
The anger is warranted and fair in most cases, IMO, so that's the puzzle.
Detachment is the answer. Shifting into observation mode is the answer.
To not getting upset, and lashing out emotionally.
It's not the answer to the harm, and damage.
Again... the stomach flipping chemical dump... 2 big jets of it.... after I'd calmed myself down.
And breathing again.
I just don't want to judge anymore. I need to observe, and do it automatically. I'm going to really focus on that for a while. I'm going to tap on it first.
Lighter