Mindfulness

[Hopalong]

So glad that's working for you, Lighter.
You are so tuned in to your body and always have an approach to take.
I envy that.

I've been recently rediscovering anxiety symptoms. They're always a challenge for me as they're always chest based. Had them checked out on and off for years, but still find them scary. A sweeping "cold" sensation, shortness of breath, and sometimes pain. Usually fleeting. Always starts under right breast.

The cold feeling used to signal a panic attack, and thank god I haven't had one in many many years.

I don't know how to stop them except to lie there thinking, I am okay, I am okay. And because I've renewed exercise after several years of sedentariness, I am going to get a full checkup.

I think Ngent's death plus the church stuff plus national fears and the feeling that the gyre is picking up speed all coalesced.

I look back at the church stuff and feel I've jeopardized my feeling of belonging in the only extended family I've got. I found that the AARP has a new term: "elder orphan." An older person, living alone, who has no family. Very scary.

You have to build community IRL. And find your people, and at my age it's urgent to do a good job of it. You have to find a group to see repeatedly to form new and serious friendships. The whole "create a village" thing seems to almost be starting over for me.

I don't want to let go of my church community but my sense of confidence there is shaken. I'll find my way. But it's awkward to be a minority. One woman literally does a combo of shunning-nasty looks I haven't seen since middle school. Ugh.

Anyway, I think all of those things are reasons I am feeling vulnerable and anxious lately. I'm not giving up.

xo
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

I'm sorry you're experiencing scary physical pains, and anxiety/fears.

My left shoulder radiates pain down my arm when I'm under great duress.  It started when I was driving to my lovely B's funeral out of State.  I think we hit a bird, and the pain started, just like that.

Feeling cold happens when I'm shocky, or low on vitamin Bs. 

I still plan on seeing a regular MD, but can't tell you how life changed with the hip not hurting me.  I'm happy happy, and grateful.  Creativity is flowing again.  I figured out how girls will take bus to downtown stop, and walk half a mile to a tea house where they'll do homework till I pick them up after my classes, which end at 6. 

This is a huge improvement over Ubering from the bus stop closer to our house.  They get to stretch their legs, then kick off their shoes, sit on pillows on the floor, and sip amazing tea blends in low lighting while plugged in and focused on homework.  It's very quiet, like a library.  They've done this before, during music lessons. Their tiny raspberry tea cakes are gf, and astonishingly good, IMO.

I'll have to figure dinner out ahead of time, and classes start at 10am so will that shouldn't be a problem.  Will cooke ahead, so we just need to heat up when we get home.

About cultivating 3D community, Hops.  It scares me to think about that, and how I SHOULD be doing it, HAVE it, be working on it.  I don't have a lot, I don't.  I look forward to having lunch with the Episcopal Priest... she's drove cross country with her husband over the summer, and I've been gone for weeks, so lots of catching up to do.  I really like her. 

We share similar ideas about friendship.  Getting out, for us, is refreshing.  Not too often, but for many hours when we go, and we love the tea house to start, then move to lovely lunches, with a lovely glass of wine.  We don't have to be guarded around each other.  We can share things we wouldn't feel safe enough to share certain things with.  She's wiggled her toes in my moss, shared tea, and mommy food in my home, and it wasn't weird.  I guess I should stop expecting things to BE weird.

What we fear will find us.

Hops, what would happen if you could stop fearing, and put all your energy into curiosity over what comes next?  I don't expect you to answer that, unless you want to, but I think about all the energy we give to fear, and feeling tense about things we can't change.  I don't want to DO that anymore.

I want to do other things. 

We can't change everything, but we can notice what we're capable of impacting, make a plan, and execute. 

About that lady shooting you the stink eye... how does that make you feel?  Is there anything you can do to change that?  Being the minority, IMO, means the courage it too you to stand up, and do the right thing, was even more heroic.  It always upset me deeply when someone from my church honked at me in traffic, or snarled in a fast food line.  What the heck?  Really?  All those personalities in one BIG room make me feel uncomfortable.  I prefer to sit alone in church, or go to smaller services at night, or in the afternoon. 

A friend joined a group to find new same sex best friends, and community building.  She has her first meeting coming up.  I'll let you know how it goes.  She's excited about it.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Sounds like we're all delving a little deeper than normal into some essence-topics lately, while trying to "remodel" our lives somewhat.

[Hopalong]

Lighter, good questions.
Problem with anxiety (for me) is that I'm not intending to "give" fear space. And the nature of my symptoms when they occur (SOB, chest stuff) is such that I can't bull through it. When you can't breathe you can't go for a walk, etc. I just have to sleep, wait, distract. Did that the last couple days and I felt better this morning.

Stink-Eye Lady isn't important to me, really. I've just got my eye on that familiar old bullying vibe. I don't need much to do with her normally but it troubles me that she's wormed her way into so many leadership positions. I do prefer to remain in the heart of that community, just in activities that aren't minister-focused.

[lighter]

Hops:

I can see that worry and fear rob me of joy, and my creative ability to problem solve, and figure out how to avoid what I'm worried about. It's just not easy to shift OUT of worry/fear mode.

I can tell when I've done it. It's odd that focusing on the fear or thing I'm fearful about isn't the thing that helps me get out of the spiral. It's the shift to focus on the physical place in my body where I feel the fear, and staying with that till the next thing comes up, and the next, and usually there's a tremendous relief in that moment. Sometimes that's enough.

I just can't always remember to do that, frankly.  I certainly can't when I'm embroiled in escalating chaos I've brought down on my own head, as with the contractor debacle.

This goes back to ignoring the basics of healthy boundaries.  I muddy the waters when I focus on secondary coping strategies I feel what?  Should keep me from feeling the pain of an unwise decision, made to please someone else, when I sort of knew better, but agreed to keep the peace in the moment.

What did I expect, and I'm not as strong as I once was.   I have hormonal issues, and age, and years of stress now. 

It's the boundaries that have to come first, and I gain more by focusing on why I've resisted keeping healthy boundaries in place.  Likely my parents' forcing compliance, and not gaining my cooperation.  I never learned how to make my own decisions, for my own benefit.  I was surrounded by parents and siblings with huge energy, and the need to control and win.  I think I just withdrew, and adopted a "what do I care?" attitude that gave me a tremendous tolerance for chaos, and pain. 

It's not serving me so well, and so I'll focus on boundaries, and why I don't always honor myself.  It's so easy to honor others, and advocate for them, and protect them, but not myself.  It's the running tape in my head.   It's my default position, and I'm not always aware I slip back, esp when I'm under stress, and my tapes tend to put me in positions of stress, so....

BIG change is really hard.

And what if our parents didn't advocate for us, or give us voice, or if they abused us, or tried to destroy us?  That internalized parental command, deep in our limbic systems, is still there, even if we aren't aware of it. 

The LEAP Brain Integration protocol helped with the hip, and current fear/stress spiral. Like flipping a switch. It was the same with the bad dream.  It shut down the negative emotions and recurring worry/thoughts surrounding it.  ::snap::

 I'll prioritize the internal tapes next, and see how that goes.  It's curious bc it can be addressed for what it is... a specific thought/emotion/memory... or it can be addressed through other channels, or by several channels.

The journey continues, (sans the hunched over limp.)

Lighter 

[lighter]

I don't know why I keep applying solutions to symptoms of problems, and expecting resolution of the problems, but I do.

Managing symptoms, when dealing with problems and situations we can't resolve, is important.

Pretending symptom management is the solution, is wrong thinking, IME.

Tracing symptoms back to original cause isn't easy. 

Not realize there's a connection is, IME.

::uncrossing eyes::.

[lighter]

Hi all.  I'm reading the board, as I can, but overwhelmed in Brain Integration classes 10 - 11 hours a day, Sat and Sunday included. 

Trying to laugh, and eat healthy with girls too.

Back to class.
::Waving::.

Lighter

[lighter]

OK, I got up early, blew leaves for a couple hours, then started pulling weeds by hand.  Again. I said I'd never DO that, but it's been so wet I haven't had opportunity to use poison, and then there were 2 extended family members with dx'd with cancer.  One pancreatic.  One brain. 

Honestly, I like pulling weeds.  I think I wouldn't be OK if I used poison, and someone in the area got very ill, or cancer, etc.   My retired nurse neighbor won't use poison on her yard, bc..... as she says...
"what's the worse that can happen?"

2 neighbors on our street have cancer.  It makes me very tense thinking about it, so I pull and pull and pull weeds by hand.  If I can't keep up, and I won't be able to very soon, then I need to have smaller areas of moss. 

The good news is, the moss is so thick, and lovely it's keeping the weeds out in most areas.  I worked the edges, mostly, and am amazed at how nice things are after so many months of little care while I was away.

I finished the third Brain Integration Class on Saturday.  At the end of it I felt quite competent, and relaxed during balances.  I have Touch For Health class coming up... 4 classes in a whirlwind 10 day period.  I had deep regret after booking it, but feel less overwhelmed now.  There's just so much I want to digest, and my brain only absorbs so much info at one time. 

Another student for upcoming classes, from Canada,  booked a bed and breakfast near the school, and I signed on to be her roomy.  This is in farm country, 3.5 hours away in my own State, and the closest hotels are a half hour from the school. I feel lucky to be just around the corner in a lovely farm house bed and breakfast. 

My old martial arts instructor is teaching boxing to Parkinson's sufferers.  Movement,  and exercise help, but boxing is the best according to studies, so I looked up gyms near us that teach it.  Yup, 10 minutes away there's a gym, and I volunteered that very day.  Another lady volunteers regularly, and we hit it off.  Turns out she's leaving in November, going back to Rhode Island, so there won't be anyone there.... I'm thinking this might be perfect for me since it's 3 hours a week, I get a good workout, and I can practice balances on the guys... they're great.  Funny, super motivated, and one is a practicing MD who heads up the integrative medicine society in our State.  It seems like kismet.  Maybe it is,  maybe it isn't.  I do know I enjoy the classes.  Guys come in barely able to shuffle, then work up to jumping rope... one is up to 31 without  missing.   Another just made it to 91.  They're so proud, and so amazed with themselves.

Youngest dd has been sick with a messy cold, fever, and headache all week.  I'm going to sign her up for energetic supplements, and see how that goes.  She can't swallow a pill... or any meds.  Never has been able to.  Her immune system isn't strong.  She gets everything, and it takes her a while to recover.  I'll let you guys know how that's going.  It's exciting!

My brother had a health scare with his gallbladder, and has tidied up what he eats and drinks.  I don't think he wants surgery, but I think it's probably the best option ALONG with improving his lifestyle choices.  Very concerning. 

Hops, I'm going to make that doctor appoint, maybe tomorrow.  Promise.

Lighter

 

[Twoapenny]

OK, I got up early, blew leaves for a couple hours, then started pulling weeds by hand.  Again. I said I'd never DO that, but it's been so wet I haven't had opportunity to use poison, and then there were 2 extended family members with dx'd with cancer.  One pancreatic.  One brain. 

Honestly, I like pulling weeds.  I think I wouldn't be OK if I used poison, and someone in the area got very ill, or cancer, etc.   My retired nurse neighbor won't use poison on her yard, bc..... as she says...
"what's the worse that can happen?"

2 neighbors on our street have cancer.  It makes me very tense thinking about it, so I pull and pull and pull weeds by hand.  If I can't keep up, and I won't be able to very soon, then I need to have smaller areas of moss. 

The good news is, the moss is so thick, and lovely it's keeping the weeds out in most areas.  I worked the edges, mostly, and am amazed at how nice things are after so many months of little care while I was away.

I finished the third Brain Integration Class on Saturday.  At the end of it I felt quite competent, and relaxed during balances.  I have Touch For Health class coming up... 4 classes in a whirlwind 10 day period.  I had deep regret after booking it, but feel less overwhelmed now.  There's just so much I want to digest, and my brain only absorbs so much info at one time. 

Another student for upcoming classes, from Canada,  booked a bed and breakfast near the school, and I signed on to be her roomy.  This is in farm country, 3.5 hours away in my own State, and the closest hotels are a half hour from the school. I feel lucky to be just around the corner in a lovely farm house bed and breakfast. 

My old martial arts instructor is teaching boxing to Parkinson's sufferers.  Movement,  and exercise help, but boxing is the best according to studies, so I looked up gyms near us that teach it.  Yup, 10 minutes away there's a gym, and I volunteered that very day.  Another lady volunteers regularly, and we hit it off.  Turns out she's leaving in November, going back to Rhode Island, so there won't be anyone there.... I'm thinking this might be perfect for me since it's 3 hours a week, I get a good workout, and I can practice balances on the guys... they're great.  Funny, super motivated, and one is a practicing MD who heads up the integrative medicine society in our State.  It seems like kismet.  Maybe it is,  maybe it isn't.  I do know I enjoy the classes.  Guys come in barely able to shuffle, then work up to jumping rope... one is up to 31 without  missing.   Another just made it to 91.  They're so proud, and so amazed with themselves.

Youngest dd has been sick with a messy cold, fever, and headache all week.  I'm going to sign her up for energetic supplements, and see how that goes.  She can't swallow a pill... or any meds.  Never has been able to.  Her immune system isn't strong.  She gets everything, and it takes her a while to recover.  I'll let you guys know how that's going.  It's exciting!

My brother had a health scare with his gallbladder, and has tidied up what he eats and drinks.  I don't think he wants surgery, but I think it's probably the best option ALONG with improving his lifestyle choices.  Very concerning. 

Hops, I'm going to make that doctor appoint, maybe tomorrow.  Promise.

Lighter

Lighter, the fact that you can do all this physical work in the garden whilst studying, whilst looking after kids, whilst thinking about brother, just amazes me.  Yes the cancer causing chemicals are scary and so difficult to know what to use and what not to - so much inaccurate information out there alongside all the useful stuff.  Takes a lot of time to sift through and try everything out.  What I wouldn't give for ethical governments who focus on health instead of profits and tax breaks.

The boxing sounds great, as does the stay at the BnB.  It really seems to be pulling together for you now - lots of good things coming.  I hope D's cold clears up soon and that brother's health starts to improve xx

[lighter]

(((Tupp)))

I think I'll see things come together, then blow apart, and come together.  It's what happens.  We figure something out, then a whole'nuther set of challenges present for our attention.

And that's OK.  That's life. 

Trusting we'll be OK, no matter what, opens us to being fully present... I think.  Fear shuts us down, and most of the time we don't recognize it's happening.  I think we're finally able to see it when it's happening, Tupp. 

Maybe it's time for us to have a chat with the fear, the pain, the grief, the rage, trust issues, etc.  Maybe the fear, and rage, and grief have had their say, and look forward to moving on with us... to what comes next?

Lighter

[lighter]

Yesterday I was working in the yard,  and had a children's story book memory of being outdoors, by a pond, near an orchard at our family home.  Discovering the smells of the pond, and tadpoles, and water lilies.  Just the smell of the seasons.  I remember remembering, and I haven't in so many years.

I get into the yard first thing in the morning, dawning the same clean outfit that affords me the fewest rashes, bug bites, and skin exposed to dirt.  When the mosquitoes start biting my face, it's time to change gears, start dinner, get clean, do laundry, and study till I get the girls. 

I have my Airbnb arranged one mile from the school that begins Saturday, which I'm excited about. Check in is Friday.  The girl's transportation is figured out, as of this morning.  I'm amazed that my back isn't bad after so many hours stooped over.  Usually I'm down for a day, but self care has me a tad slow, but otherwise fully operational.

I've noticed I feel somewhat defensive today, although not chased, or scattered, or needful of outside approval, or like I'm behind or SHOULD be doing something else.

I think the whole Supreme Court nomination thing has been very triggering, and that's what that's about.

I very clearly remember my father sitting me down to explain how business works, why women aren't welcome, and why we can't participate in the man's world.  How we weren't ever going to be accepted.  He said this with sadness... you could tell it pained him a bit to look me in the eye, say that, and believe it was true.  It makes me very sad to remember him saying it.  He also used to say that women had an "extra nerve".  He meant that women could do things that kind hearted, very nice men couldn't or wouldn't do.  Women were, I suppose, "bad" was the message.  He said very vulgar, hurtful things that weren't appropriate to all women, now that I think of it.

The wind is blowing.  I wonder what's coming.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I've been in a state of mild to moderate trauma ever since the hearings began.
Today's news doesn't help.

It triggers me at a primal, visceral and spiritual level and is anguishing.

I hear you. SELF CARE (plus voting) is all we got....

xo
Hops

[lighter]

((Hops))
I found myself seated, head on the table earlier today....thinking about the crappy FBI sham investigation.

You know what?  Maybe we have to go through this to bring about proper lasting change?  Maybe THIS is what brings the Nation's focus to these issues in a meaningful way. 

I'm not good at letting my feelings get ripped around.  It's too hard. 

Maybe Flake will decide to vote NO, bc the investigation was so narrow.

At least we're having the discussion.

Take heart, Amazon's.

Lighter

[lighter]

I'll find my computer and post an update soon.  All is well, considering youngest has stomach virus, and laundry is almost caught up this morning.... yesterday laundry ran non stop till midnight.

[lighter]

DD18 helped with housework yesterday, but put my computer where I couldn't find it.  She was so helpful, and so nice when I asked for it... .just bringing it, and presenting it like.... I'm not sure like what.  But it was a change.  Very nice.

I set my alarms for 4:30am and 6:30am and it WENT OFF AT 5:30am!!  I was supposed to carry a neighbor around the corner to her place of work at 4:30.  She RANG, and I didn't hear it.  I don't know what's going on.  My first thought was the universe is messing with me.  How can an alarm go off at a time it';s not set for, and NOT go off at a time it IS set for?  I might have had the volume turned down from carting heavy luggage last night, but that doesn't explain why it went off when it wasn't set to go off.  I'm upset wondering if the elderly neighbor fell down, bc she's not answering her phone, or texts, or door as I knocked at 5:20 and haven't heard a peep from her.  I can't sleep.

OK.  She texted she took an Uber and is fine.   I feel better now.