I feel compelled to try and put this most recent experience with my sister (I'll call her A) into words. I rarely speak about her to anyone because this relationship is so confusing for me. My sister is 13 years older than I am. I also have a brother who is 20 years older and another sister who is 19 years older. I had another sister who was a year and a half older than myself but she has passed.
Both of my parents were severly damaged people. My mother and father were married under duress (mother 15, pregnant, father 30). The story goes that when my mother's older brother found out about her pregnancy my father was faced with a bona fide "shotgun wedding". When A was born her two older siblings did not welcome the addition and she claims to have had a childhood of persecution (by them). They are 8 and 9 years her senior. By the time she was 7 they had both been sent off to college. She was then raised alone with my parents until age 12 when my sister was born.
For as long as I can remember she has told me the horror stories of her young life. Father, a rage-aholic, womanizing, paranoind emotionally abusive, narcissistic parent and mother, a boarderline, extremely dependent, martyr-like partner. A is a psychotherapist in private practise and from the time I could comprehend at a most rudimentary level, she has burdened me with the most detailed descriptions of her life with my parents - from being present at the birth of a still born baby to hearing all the fighting my parents engaged in over their sordid sex life. As I grew up I think I sort of took on her interpretation of the world as my own. My dad aggrandized her out of his own N needs and my mother had a love/hate relationship with her depending on how things were going with my father. She sort of saw herself as my sister's and my savior and often reminded us of things she had done to ensure that our lives would never be as difficult as hers. For the longest time, I believed her.
When I moved away from home 18 and went to university I started to develop a life of my own. It took me awhile to understand this but she's always found some way to suck me into one of her life dramas (and she has had many) - and I as a good and grateful little sister (I'm now 51) would listen to all her traumas and put everything that I was involved in on a back burner. Eventually I went into therapy and found a way to get some emotional distance from her. I managed to keep things pretty manageable until my first child was born and I made the mistake of letting her into my life a bit. She has no boundaries of her own so I am continually having to set them for myself and am exhausted.
A couple of months ago my mother (now eighty-eight) started wanting to have her will changed because my brother was starting to get a little anxious to get his inheritance and p__ed her off. My sister did just about everything possible to get me involved and I have. so far, been able to keep a distance from this drama - but also find myself feeling very angry and wanting more distance. I've told her that I don't want to get involved but she insists that if I don't do this for myself - to do it for my children. My mother has money and she now thinks that my sociopathic brother is trying to ensure that the three sisters do not inherit. I'm exhausted by her excitement over this (she loves a good drama) and am not sure what else to tell her. I'd appreiciate any insights or suggestions..........
