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Excluded From NM's Claims She Has Cancer

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JustKathy:
Ugh! A biopsy? It's all about the drama with them. The tip-off for me came when my Aunt (NM's older sister), who is a doctor, told some other family members that NM was being a "drama queen." My Aunt never says a cross word about anyone, so to hear that coming from her was pretty telling. I think that if someone outside of the FOO, like another relative, friend, or neighbor acts as if the N's illness isn't serious, then it probably isn't. Never take the word of the co-spouse or the golden child. See what a more objective source has to say (sfalken, in your case that family friend). Those are the ones to believe.

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote --- I want to love them but I don't want to.
--- End quote ---

This is a very, very good point and so simply describes the agony of the position one finds oneself in.

The "trick" is to find a way to love them, without giving up one's boundaries... protecting oneself from the depredations involved in having the relationship (which sometimes does have to be NC... but sometimes does shift around to LC)... and to realize that they can't - for whatever reason - allow the control-delusion-I'm always right mask to come down long enough - to LET YOU love them.

It's easier for me to accept that - for whatever reason - my mom simply "can't" be someone who operates at that level, have that kind of relationship... because it frees me then... to find a way to love her differently; along the lines of "love your enemies".

On the good days, anyway.

Hopalong:
Sheeesh. The old cry-wolf medical drama, and it always, anyway, regardless, leaves the Compassionate Listenee in a tough spot.
My Mom didn't dramatize specific health complaints. But the fact of aging -- we had SO many "serious sit-down conversations"
about how she was getting older now (and therefore one more LAST "last trip" to Europe was coming) ... She started this in her 60s
and lived to be 98!

Very solid reminder to me to never, ever try to get my D's attention that way. I am plenty firm on not dumping my wellbeing
on her as I get older. Systems in place to take care of myself or have my own network of support. If she turns up and we are
newly family by then, lovely. But I am not planning for it. She has her own wellness and survival to attend to.

I found my mother's OBSESSION with talking about who-gets-what to be utterly draining and even worse than the "I'm old,
now let's be sad about that together" kinds of talks. I understand now, but didn't always, that she was using those talks about the
stuff just because she wanted Nsupply (attention). That poor woman's appetite for attention, if it were food, would have
landed her a circus-worthy physique.

As hindsight is soooo 20-20, I wonder if with a parent who's muttering/hinting/manipulating around "health news", one
(unlike me, but a generic healthy "one") could respond with:

--wondering (briefly) if it's just attention seeking (or is there some fear behind it or whatever)
--regular but TIMED (for your own benefit) phone calls to acknowledge their desire for connection (unless LC or NC is in place)
--lots of practice intentionally changing the subject

As Mom did get very old, I got better at subject changes. What worked was to keep my tone courteous
and neither cold nor "hyper-attentive". When I started achieving some peace within myself (instead of all-reaction, all-the-time--
which was what ruled me for many years), I found it easier to just say whatever I wanted to say that was pleasant for ME to
focus on. Such as:

I just saw the loveliest bird in my bird feeder. I think it was a ____.
You know, I'm enjoying using coconut oil on my skin. Feels good.
I'm about to take a walk, wonder if it's still sunny out.

(I think if there was a theme I blundered into that was more effective than other things I'd tried to use to get through
conversations w/her less ruffled, it was:

--mention something that is nature, or related to the natural world (nothing to argue about, it just IS)
--mention something that is about the present moment (no yesterday, no tomorrow)

Nature. Present moment. Those helped me. They were accidental guidelines but I did find my responses evolving that way.

(IF one is talking to the Nrelative at all....). And thanks to all the gods of all the faiths I no longer have either my mother
nor my brother in my life.

hugs
Hops

sfalken:
And now, there are two days left until NM's surgery. She finally wrote me an email last week to let me know, after I had heard it from a number of others.

My aunt (her sister) called me last week, and called me again tonight. I did not answer - but her voicemail was what I thought it would be. NM is using her to call me. To lay guilt.

She told me that I should call NM tomorrow. That I should tell NM that I love her. That the situation with my parents has to be worked out. My answer to all of her statements is 'no, I do not have to, no, I don't feel that way, and no, it does not'.

My grandfather on my dad's side used to walk around saying something, and I now see some wisdom in it.  He would always say 'Know one thing boy? A chicken ain't nothing but a bird..' - and, as goofy as it sounds, he was right. It is, what it is. Nothing more, and in this case, I can't fix it.

When others call me to tell me what the queen has prescribed for me to do, all it makes me want to do, is the opposite. I dig my heels into the ground like a steinbock.

I think my wife believes I should call my mother to avoid some kind of self directed guilt, should something go wrong, but I'm not sure.

I guess I take my chances.

My ancestors didn't send the king a card on his birthday after they declared independence. Why should I send one to the queen.

BonesMS:

--- Quote from: sfalken on January 31, 2012, 09:55:21 PM ---And now, there are two days left until NM's surgery. She finally wrote me an email last week to let me know, after I had heard it from a number of others.

My aunt (her sister) called me last week, and called me again tonight. I did not answer - but her voicemail was what I thought it would be. NM is using her to call me. To lay guilt.

She told me that I should call NM tomorrow. That I should tell NM that I love her. That the situation with my parents has to be worked out. My answer to all of her statements is 'no, I do not have to, no, I don't feel that way, and no, it does not'.

My grandfather on my dad's side used to walk around saying something, and I now see some wisdom in it.  He would always say 'Know one thing boy? A chicken ain't nothing but a bird..' - and, as goofy as it sounds, he was right. It is, what it is. Nothing more, and in this case, I can't fix it.

When others call me to tell me what the queen has prescribed for me to do, all it makes me want to do, is the opposite. I dig my heels into the ground like a steinbock.

I think my wife believes I should call my mother to avoid some kind of self directed guilt, should something go wrong, but I'm not sure.

I guess I take my chances.

My ancestors didn't send the king a card on his birthday after they declared independence. Why should I send one to the queen.


--- End quote ---

AMEN!

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