What a strange and wonderful week, weather wise.
Monday morning I got to walk in my favorite area of the city, in my boots, heavy snow pelting down. Met my lovely counselor, stopped at a cafe for breakfast, went to the old library I've always loved. When I walk in the doors there, I'm the little girl going in with my mother (best best side of her -- she was a professional children's librarian and her passion for children's literacy was a great gift) -- feeling it was the best place in the world. It was. By afternoon the snow was all melted, and next morning, I was picking confused daffodils again.
Work has been...apace. I have had some significant contributions lately. The underlying head-butting with the boss is still there (it always stirs when I'm doing something with success -- he's intensely uncomfortable with female strength). So ironic because it is my strength that, among others, has made him suddenly wealthy. But my two young colleagues and I get along very well, and that's been calming. (Not the young man in another division who always wanted me trashed. He's better in moments but I can never relax around him. Fortunately I don't see him much.) Boss continues to wade in intrusive, invasive and ignorant N-waters but one major blessing is that both the two new-ish young men I work with get it, see it, and clearly don't worship it. Not the "N" part, they don't share my amateur-psychologist inclincations, but that's not important. One has gone so far as to tell me he finds some of my boss' beliefs/games repellent... Just knowing he sees toxicity, I am very comforted. (Miracle: The other young man said to me, very sincerely one day, "Do you think he brushes aside so many of your ideas because you're a woman?" And I hadn't said so. He had just seen it. I was/am so relieved to have "a witness." (Unlike the other, senior male whom I had once thought was a friend...but who always minimized or denied the simple truth of the sexism because it implicated him too--to remain silent and accepting of my lower pay when I am his equal in seniority and contribution.) It just makes a big difference to now sit in a room with folks who are, to some degree, emotional allies. First time I've experienced that there. The newest young man has a Scandinavian fiancee and is very clued in to sexism. Wrote me a sweet (and public) email for International Women's Day. (Then we talked about the irony of its existence, needing a day to uphold half the human race, because of the stuggles around the globe for women to be equal.)
I'm dating. One at a time. Feel unattached to the outcome. Takes some "work" to talk myself into it. It's all fine. Couple nice fellas. One wants to go dancing. Had a couple that went nowhere, and one who was too aggressive (not malevolently so, just overpowering). It was fine to have one date and refuse another. Whole thing's fine! No expectations/plans/predictions. Only have the time/energy for it every month or so. If the house sells this spring, and I find another, I'll have a lot more freedom after that transition.
Very involved in a community Dialogue on Race, and a few close small-group things at my church which are deeply connecting and rewarding. About to start something I feel joyous about...a "spiritual direction" relationship with the new minister. He and the co-minister had an "intro" class describing it, and once I was assured warn't nobody going to really "direct" or "boss" me about nothing...I found myself signing up. Another personal blessing for me is that it's going to be on Monday evenings, which is always a difficult night of the week (facing a week with boss). And this will light the way, start the week in a very different place, I think. (Twice a month).
I'm making more efforts to intentionally un-isolate, making lots of simple appointments with friends for a beer or cheap meal. That keeps me okay. Making some new friends too, and realizing that there really is no limit to how rich my "social life" can become. Just time and energy. And for energy, though very haltingly, I'm walking more regularly. Sedentary winters endanger my wellbeing but I am resolved to keep the legs going! And this is prime-time for house repairs and showings and there's not much time to get ready. It's boring and stressful and I'm doing the minimum, frankly. We'll either get an offer or we won't.
Lastly, and briefly because I don't want to talk about it now, my D and I are estranged for now. She did leave her cat behind with my friend, which was right for him. But she rejected me cruelly on the way out the door (with her pockets full of gifts), a pretty deep hurt. I am releasing it more daily and feeling more at ease with accepting it. I don't feel I can predict anything, but have decided I will love and live my life. She is unwell and overwhelmed with her illness/es and situation, and I can't help her financially any more, so that's that. Sending her love and light, silently, is literally what is left. I am recognizing that this is what is, and working to make my peace with it.
That's my update--I've been reading periodically but haven't had a lot to offer, lately (I'm sorry). I may not be responding for a while. I feel the need to engage more in 3-D and less online. Please know I send heartfelt love and light to all of you.
I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...
love,
Hops
