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Husbands insensative comment--Am I over reacting?

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sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---I tried to tell him this morning, after I had been up all night, that I don't actually expect him to be able to avoid hurting my feelings.  It's such an emotional minefield inside my head, I don't think anyone could negotiate that.  On the other hand, he needs to respect taht I have a lot of tender spots, and should he happen to step on one, which he will, all I need is for him to back up and say, "I'm sorry,  I would never hurt you."

Why is that so hard for him?
--- End quote ---

Maybe... maybe because he isn't the one who caused the original wound?? I don't know Erin. It is something I had to accept about me, with my hubs. I was expecting him to read my mind and automatically just know me so well, that he wouldn't do or say those things. No one can realistically do that - especially as we start connecting the dots in healing and finally acknowledge where those touchy buttons really are - when we're actively doing that kind of inner work, it seems like we start seeing examples of the "same thing" (that original wound) everywhere. Keep trying to tell him - the right words will eventually come out. And making that effort is worth it.

My hubs kinda goes to the opposite extreme, where he wants to apologize for everything - even for my emotional reactions to things that didn't even involve him! That's kinda maddening, too. And when he does take something I say, way too much to heart... we have a new inside joke we use: that offense isn't going to justify divorce! It's funny how much air becomes clear, when one or the other of us simply says this. (We've both been married 3 times). It does acknowledge one's anger - but it immediately puts that on a scale and in perspective. And then we can both work on it and sometime laugh at it, too.

I was a little worried about what you said, that sometimes he'll respond to your direct statement that a comment hurt, with the beginning shots of an argument. But on reflection, I think I can understand why he might be defensive. He might need some positive reassurances that you see him as being "on your side" and not as an opponent... or out to get you, with emotional games, like Nmom. It's really easy at some points in the healing process, to withdraw into ourselves so completely, that any significant other starts to feel completely shut out. So, keep trying to talk - even if it's hard and clumsy - it's better than not talking. He might surprise you, if you keep trying - by starting to reveal his perspective.

When I blew up at my hubs' to the Nth power expression of apology, one time... "stop saying you're sorry for stuff you didn't do!!"... he finally let me know he felt like he was walking on eggshells and that, in his perception of me... any little thing could turn my anger towards him. He didn't feel safe with me. And yes, that hurt to know. So we work on this. We still say things, from time to time, that hurt each other. The current one happened in a social setting, when I wasn't feeling well anyway and just wanted to go home and lie down. The culture here automatically assumes the male spouse makes all the financial decisions and wives are arm candy (that's a nasty stereotype; I know it... but I run into it a lot... that night I was over-sensitive to it). A realtor suggested my hubs should start looking to invest in ocean front property... talking right past me, as I tried to stay in the conversation... of course, hubs' ego was wide-open accepting of this so out of my mouth falls: "But, I still sign the checks" as I walk away to avoid an immediate rebuttal.

Yeah. That was nasty. Hubs took it as a personal assault and I had to explain that I was reacting to this gender-typing that was going on, didn't feel well anyway, and it wasn't about him at all. But guess what? That's one of his touchy buttons - that my income is way more than his now. Every now and then, he'll say - but of course, you still write the checks - to get his dig in about it. That's how we desensitive the issue. I was wrong to just let this come out, this way and embarrass him... but now, he's a lot more aware when this starts happening in social settings. We'll get past it - and in reality - there is no his/her money; it's all "ours".

I guess, Erin... the main thing is to talk it out - and the advice to wait until everyone's emotions are calmer, to talk about it outside of the moment is good advice. It helps to start off with a list of all the reasons you appreciate him, before tackling 1 thing (not the list!) of things you want to work on or improve or come to an understanding about. The guys who've stuck with us, held us while we cried, stood up and defended us against the "crazy"... need to know that even if there are things that could be improved... he's not next on the NC-list.... and that they are still our heros.

It was very very scary to have that talk with my hubs. But we've both felt better since then and the tension has disappeared... and yes, he's allowed to "poke" me back for the thing I said, that hurt him. We're working the other stuff out too. Our lives have turned topsy-turvy in a big way, over the past few years and there are a lot of checkmarks on the life-stressor list, for each of us. You really can't do it all at one time, but you do have to start somewhere and take one step at a time... your lives have been stressed for awhile, too. Might be a good time to talk about how you've survived... and what the next plans might be... and maybe even plan for "just you and hubs" mini-vacation. Talk about what you were afraid of a year or two ago -- and laugh together about how differently things turned out...

Redhead Erin:
Emotionally, my husband is a mystery to me, and to himself.  From what little I know about his mother and the way I see his family acting now, I suspect his childhood wasn't exactly perfect.  It seems there was a fair amount of neglect and perhaps even some emotional and physical abuse. His mother had a cruel streak (justified by her religious views).  I don't think she ever tied t instruct him much, just punished him when he did wrong without ever having set the standard for what is right.   Hubs has few memories of his childhood before Jr. High age, and none before age 5 or so. His cousin reports that she and his sister used to "throw him under the bus" to cover for their misbehavior, and that Hubs would get beaten and punished, while they continued to  play and have fun.

Not surprisingly, Hubs dislikes and distrusts women in general.  I think the appeal I always held for him is that I am NOT a game player, but very open and honest.  I have always been sort of a tomboy and a "one of the guys" kind of gal.  Last night, he told me that this is part of the confusion for him, he never really knows where "One of the guys" ends and the sensitive areas begin. Okay.... that's fair, I guess. 

Back to the distrusting women part...It seems that when I get hurt and want him to apologize for it, he thinks I am in some way trying to manipulate him.   I think this is what puts him in fighting mode. ( I wonder whether he hears his mother telling him "now say you're sorry!" for something he didn't even do.) ANd then he digs in his heels, and he is damn sure not going to apologize for something he didn't do. 


Now here is the hell of it, I think:

All I want at this point is for him (and I am way too needy and dependent on him, I know it) to back up and make things right. Inside, I feel like a little girl hurt for no apparent reason.  And Part of me wants to beg him," FIX THIS! FIX IT NOW! "

ANd then he digs in nad says "I AM NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE FOR THIS AND YOU CAN"T MAKE ME! "


And from there....Well, you know.  It just gets worse. He digs in harder, I break down.  I feel cut and bloody. Emotionally, it feels like I am bleeding. The longer it goes on, the worse it gets.  It feels, to me, as if he is enjoying the pain he is causing me, which only intensifies over time. But he does not really believe he is hurting me, because its an emotional hurt, and there is no physical evidence.  So he thinks for some reason (this is the part that always confuses me) that I am LYING about the pain he is causing me.

The longer he refuses to comfort me, the more painful it becomes.

The more I cry, the more he digs in.

The more he digs in, the more it hurts.

Then as I am getting to my most clingy and destperate "PLEASE JSUT HOLD ME AND MAKE IT ALL BETTER! I NEED YOU AND I AM SCARED YOU DONT LOVE ME!" he will say something incredibly mean to drive me away and relieve the pressure on himself.

So as things go on, I become more and more desperate for comfort and reassurance, and he becomes more and more desperate to gain some space from the pressure he thinks I am putting on him.

mudpuppy:
So have you guys ever done any marriage counseling?
It sounds like you both understand the dynamic of what's going on. You certainly do.
Seems like a third party might be able to give you both some methods to short circuit the cycle of crying and digging in.

mud

Redhead Erin:
we did counseling a couple of times.  Three, actually.  2 of the counselors would not address the issues we were working with, and the third got too close to my serious incest stuff and I had to stop.  I completely fell apart the first time I got into that, and  I really could not do it again with a little kid around ( My son was about 3).

mudpuppy:
Never mind then.

mud

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