NM is over 100 now and counting

[Bettyanne]

My NM turned 100 years old last October.  She is still working as a secretary to a very weird man who keeps her on, It is some kind of mother/son or father/daughter relationship is what I have kind of put together.  She has been employed at this job since the fall of 1963.  The strange part it is a real estate office but they are down to only one salesperson.  Her boss as she refers to him is a multi-millionaire and keeps her on because she has been paying his personal bills for years and he is just too lazy &%$#@ to do it himself.  My NM had a stroke last April but seemed to have enough recovery to return to work after about a two week period of time.  She is a workaholic and uses the job so she doesn't have time to think......when she is not at work she volunteers all weekend long at a Catholic Shrine for the past 42 years.....she sees herself as Mother Theresa 2 and proudly boosts it!  She is known as the Missionary Lady at the shrine.
I have moved 3000 miles from her in recent years because I was tired of enabling her and was put on a guilt trip if I didn't do what she wanted such as driving her to and from this shrine on weekends.  My H and myself drove her for over 30 years......never mind we were raising six children to boot. 
So I have a friend who is some what psychic and she said until her enablers stop driving her to work, shrine, buy her food, etc etc she will continue......but when they back off,  is when she will pass....I don't see these people backing off so I think there is a long time to go......but I am worn out from her phone calls even tho she is 3000 miles away.....my T said it is hard because she is your mother and you have been controlled since birth.(she has four to five people who will drive her to work or shrine, not sure because they have been doing it for so long they can't say NO to the old bitch).  I just get so frustrated at times I needed to just vent here......Thanks, Bettyanne
PS I am trying not to pick up when she calls.....and delete her messages. 

[lighter]

Hi Bettyanne:

It sounds like your mother is one of those compulsively busy PD people, who goes from one distraction to another, just so she doesn't have to be left alone with her thoughts.

If you don't pick up, she'll dial the next person on her "distraction list."

She'll find someone to listen, and keep her going.

I'm sorry you feel guilty, but I really do think she'll be fine if you cut way back on the phonecalls.

You just need to be prepared to distract her with segues, and stories when she asks you why you didn't answer.

........"And then this big CAT, it was as big as a bear cub, comes barrelling through the door when I brought the groceries in.  Ya.  It was a shock!  And then, it got lodged behind that big piece of furniture I can't move by myself.  And then, I had to get a broomstick, and gently prod it out.  And then..... Oh look at the time, I have to go to my new psychic reading book club, and I'll give you an update when we talk again."

Imagine the stories you'll have for her.

When you're not so busy; )
Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

OH MY... here's an idea to make the guilt evaporate:

next time you feel a twinge of this, ask yourself: what kind of mother needs over 100 years to realize she's supposed to care about and take care of her D? We had a saying in tech support (it's not very nice, but dang it, it was true...) "You can't fix stupid". Most of the time, we applied this to our Nboss... our other tech "users" were trainable.

[Bettyanne]

Thank you Lighter you made my day.......I love your story and will surely keep it in mind the next phone call but then again I might be too busy to pick up??
It is really funny how your mentioned the distraction list......she actually has two papers full of names and when last we visited my NM in NJ there was a very
bad storm and the electricity went off......she sat with flashlight in hand and when down until someone picked up there phone.........she just kept calling and calling....on and on
Thank you as well Phonenix Rising......actually my psychic friend said to me yesterday she is just dumb!!!! plain and simple ......
What I am having problem with is the fact she continues to live on despite the fact her body is worn out!!!!
It is in the letting go of her that this will pass......
Thanks so much for your responses.....xoxox

[mudpuppy]

I don't see these people backing off so I think there is a long time to go.....

Well, as Einstein pointed out time is relative and with this particular relative I'd say "a long time" probably means something rather different than when you're, say 50, 60, 70 or even 80.

mud

[Hopalong]

My Nmom would have definitely made it to 100 if she'd not been stubborn about not joining in...she was too focused on having everyone come to HER, and reluctant to join any "senior" kinds of activities. Didn't do much at her church either.

But her 98 was a long run.

Hops

[Redhead Erin]

My condolences, Bettyanne.   

You are living my worst nightmare.  If mine lives to be 100, I will be over 60 when she dies. God help me!

[Bettyanne]

I am living a nightmare as I am 68 years old myself......it is an endless nightmare because these enablers won't stop......I really don't know what keeps them so hooked into this woman?? other than some kind of guilt trip.....

[Ales2]

I am 43 turning 44 and myNMom just turned 75. I keep hoping for Alzheimers. One day, I hope she will forget ALL about me.

[Redhead Erin]

I think these old bats are so good at manipulating, they just manage to keep manipulating people into doing stuff for them.  If he has 4 or 5 people to help her, maybe they just pass her around, so if one cant help her, another can.

[sKePTiKal]

So, my "smart-ass" woke up this morning....

Maybe it takes a village to contain, restrain, and mollify an NM... and that's why the job was always more than we could handle! 

[Redhead Erin]

A Village?  They could have 3 major metropolitan areas doing their bidding, and it still woudl not be enough!

[Baddaughter]

OMG!  I feel for you, Bettyanne!  My mom drove me absolutely bats#@t until her passing two years ago.  But I had not spoken to her or father for about a year at the time and was excluded from everything.  She only lived to be 77 and I am sure that if I had persisted in my efforts to fight with folks and get her care, etc, she would still be with us.  So I have the feeling that her life was foreshortened by her narcissism, because in the end, she preferred to die rather than join the real world and live by the boundaries of anyone else.  It is hard, because of default, I abdicated my duty and left her die.  Dad died within the year and he hadn't spoken to me either as I was excluded from family altogether after she passed.  It has been peaceful if a little painful.  I am seeing someone for grief and anger and stress reaction to it all.  Needless to say, I was disowned as well and Golden Child has taken it all.  Yum.  But in your case, you only need to bide your time a while longer -- some daughter that can keep her mother "with her" (ah hem) so long.  You must have done a fine job of daughtering and a lot of daughtering it takes too -- because I know.  And it was a job I accepted willingly and lovingly for almost 50 years, the emotional and personal toll notwithstanding.  Just surviving such a long tyranny on your part represents incredible resilience and stamina.  You said she has willing folks to do these things for her and I am very glad because that should lessen your guilt, not increase it.    I am sorry about the phone calls.  I saved my mom's last horrible message for quite a while but it was a work voicemail and lost it when I changed jobs.  It was the Real Her and it still haunts me.  If there is a right answer to that one, I've never read it here.  But only answering when I was "up" to it if possible helped some.  It never paid to answer if there was already upheaval -- better to get message and call back.  It brings tears to my eyes to think of having to "deal" with THAT for another 23 years.  I don't know how you have done it.  Whatever happens, you should be able to plead insanity.  Your vent helped me to count my blessings.  Thanks.