Classic N Spin

[Singer]

Hi All,

Just wanted to share something that happened yesterday, with the thought that maybe some of you can recognize yourselves here too.  My NM called me at work to let me know that she was going to use for herself a gift she had bought about a year ago for my ten year old niece, my brother's child and NM's granddaughter. It was a nice keepsake type box that she had originally bought with the idea that my niece could keep cards, letters and other "treasures" in it. Well, she went on to tell me in a very teary voice that she'd probably never see her granddaughter again because my brother was being so "immature and selfish" in breaking off contact with NM.

My first reaction was to try to explain my brother's behavior by saying that he had a lot of things on his mind what with family and the new business he just started. NM countered with "well I have things I'm going through too." anger rising.  I bailed out and ended the call saying my boss needed some paperwork, but in thinking about it I realized, my young niece has repeatedly sent NM emails over the past year trying to maintain contact with her Ngrandmother. NM refuses to answer them because 1) she doesn't think they're sincere and 2) using the computer tires her out. She will only allow my brother to visit her if he comes without his wife and their two younger children.

Point is, my reflex reaction was to try to make NM feel better by trying to shield her from any resposibilty for my brother's behavior and place it somewhere neutral so that NM shouldn't feel hurt. Accckkkkkkkkk, I'm learning but it's slow going.

Singer

[bunny]

Singer,

Good for you!! - especially for cutting short that ridiculous phone call.

I would've said to her: "That's a great idea, that box is pretty neat. Well, I've gotta go!"


bunny

[OnlyMe]

Point is, my reflex reaction was to try to make NM feel better by trying to shield her from any resposibilty

Good for you for recognizing that habit!  I tend to protect NM as well which comes from, I think, always making sure she was The Queen, The Best, and I always made sure that I was 'less' or there would be hell to pay.  I am trying to break that habit, as well, but it is so deeply imbedded that it takes a conscious effort.  *PomPoms* on the way you handled that situation.

[Singer]

Thank you all. I'll accept your congratulations, but I know I have a long way to go. Still I find it so validating when I read about scenarios with your own N's that could have been lifted right out of my experience. That's why I think it's important to write them down; they confirm what we know about N's and serve as a reminder that they're NOT unique as much as they'd like us to believe that they are.

My NM likes to tell me over and over how my now-deceased father would get tears in his eyes when she told him how much she suffered as a child because her father didn't realize how special she was and expected her to help her mother out with her eight younger brothers and sisters. Then she goes on to tell me how disappointed my father was that his own children never amounted to anything. My brother's a microbiologist and my sister's a teacher, and I might be nothing but a lowly bookkeeper, but at least my books are always in balance. Which is more than I can say for her mind!

Thanks again for telling your own stories and reminding us all that we're not alone.

Singer