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Light Bulb moments

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Twoapenny:
Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to share a recent lightbulb moment with you (on the subject of lightbulb moments, isn't it weird how something that's been a massively intrinsic part of you your whole life suddenly looks completely different and you realise that it's wrong and you don't need it any more?).

From a young age, my mum often told the story of the day she went to bed to kill herself.  At the time this happened, I was four and my sister was two.  I think I was around eight when she started talking about it a lot - my dad died when I was eight so it probably wasn't the best tale to be telling a grieving child.

Obviously she didn't die, apparently she changed her mind and got out of bed again, put the pills away and carried on as before.  But I think that story is the reason I spent my whole life making her happy - because if I didn't she'd kill herself and it would be all my fault.

It was a shock to realise, but felt good at the same time.  The more I think about my childhood, the more I realise she was never a good parent, even when I was little.  I have suffered from depression and have been suicidal.  But my son knows nothing at all about it, and won't until he's an adult, and only then if it comes up in conversation or if he asks me specifically.  Who in the world tells a story like that to children?

Anyway, a good moment of revelation for me.  Perhaps others have had similar?

BonesMS:
Morning, Tup!!

Yes, I can relate to that!!!  The NQueen #$%! did the same.....telling the young child me about how she attempted suicide, among other crap that was TOTALLY inappropriate to be telling ANY child!  It seems their whole attitude toward their own children is:  "F--- you, ME FIRST!"

Bones

lighter:
Wow, Tup.

That's a terrible thing to do. 

Imagine how a child would view bedtime every night after hearing that about their mum. :shock:

Little children feel responsible, and in control, of everything...... that's just so wrong.

Lighter

Twoapenny:
Bones, that's exactly it!  In her telling of the story, her reason for deciding against suicide wasn't because she couldn't bear to leave her children (which was my reason for not killing myself even though I felt like I wanted to), it was because she decided she was better than them (them being my dad and his family, I think) and wouldn't give them the satisfaction.  I'm sorry you had to hear this kind of thing too (((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))))))

Lighter, I think it's having my own son that's made me realise how many awful things my mum did.  There are just so many things she did that I wouldn't do.  Some things change from one generation to the next - what was considered acceptable thirty years ago might not be now.  But there are other things that I think are just wrong, whichever era you are born in.  Ironically, my mum has always claimed my son's disability stems from the dreadful things he saw when I was depressed (he saw me cry a couple of times and was there when I yelled at my mum once).  It's just strange how she thinks fairly minor things like that can traumatise a child so badly he's disabled for life, but sees nothing wrong at all with so much of what she's done.  She also refuses to see how anything in my childhood may have contributed to the mental health problems I have had, insisting instead it's my mental health problems that make me think my childhood is bad??????????  This is why I don't think about her too much, trying to get my head around her mind is enough to make anyone crazy! 

BonesMS:
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tup)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

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