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sKePTiKal:

--- Quote --- She also refuses to see how anything in my childhood may have contributed to the mental health problems I have had, insisting instead it's my mental health problems that make me think my childhood is bad??????????
--- End quote ---

This common N-strategy makes the steam roll out of my ears, and the expletives roll off my tongue and I automatically get into Bruce Lee kick-butt position. I have dealt with this for over 40 years... I see it all too often, in too many places in life today... and it still triggers me.

But I'm also learning to laugh at it - it IS a pathetic attempt to absolve the "accuser" of any responsibility whatsoever. It's playground level bullying - "reality is what I say it is and if you don't agree there is something wrong with you" - from someone who is emotionally 4-5 years old and having a tantrum, then wondering why no will play with her or like her...

SIGH.

Twoapenny:
Yes, Phoenix, agree with all of that!  Something I recognised in my own behaviour was never wanting to admit I was wrong or that I had faults.  It has caused me a lot of problems over the years.  I feel more comfortable now with being able to say that I messed up, or I didn't do something well - not completely comfortable, but more comfortable than I used to be.  I think it's one of those areas that makes it impossible for me to have a relationship with my mum - there's no give and take, it's me giving - my health, my sanity, my time, my desire for normality all have to be put to one side in order for her to take what she wants, which is generally adoration and complete obedience without any need on her part to give anything emotionally or be available in any way.  My happniess - if that's the right word - is that I genuinely feel that I have noticed and worked on this stuff enough to not be passing on huge problems to my son.  I don't think I'm necessarily able to say I've never done anything that may have caused him a problem, but I do think I'm in a position where, if he tells me at some point in the future that something I did hurt him, I'll be able to take responsibility for it and say sorry.  Although I must admit I'm hoping we don't have too many conversations like that!!

JustKathy:
When I was a child, my NM told me repeatedly that she almost died giving birth to me. She would constantly remind me that I was a "problem child" because she had a difficult labor and "almost died." All lies, of course. I was the first born, so sure, it was more painful than the birth of the GC, who was third. My grandmother told me years down the road that NM had a perfectly normal delivery with me. I'm sure she told me this tall tale to guilt me about being alive and to make me despise myself for almost killing my own mother. In later years, she used it in her scapegoat child/golden child games. After my brother (the GC) was born, she would cite it as yet more reason why I was a problem child and he was a good boy. She equated the difficulty of our births with our worth as children. "Paul has always been an ideal child. He didn't even hurt coming out. I almost died with Kathy."

Twoapenny:
Kathy, I'm so sorry your mum did that to you.  I think it shows just how focused they are on themselves - there's no thought at all for how that would make someone else feel, particularly a little girl who wants to be loved and wants people to think nice things about her.  It's that kind of "I did all that for you so you owe me" attitude - I find they're unable to do anything without running a kind of tick sheet in their head of things they're owed by particular people.  It's incredibly hard to deal with, especially when they can be so adoring of one child whilst hating the other - still twisted, I know, but knowing they can do 'nice' - all be it in their own, twisted way - is difficult to take.  (((((((((((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Meh:
"I did it all for you so you owe me".

I've heard this before!! Truth is it's a complete lie. They didn't do it all for somebody else!! What a weird (projection) or turn-around way of thinking.

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