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new chapter -- please send light

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gratitude28:
Hops,
Our families are such messes. And guilt can not be put on one person or many. And blame cannot be given to circumstance or illness or genetics. It's all happened together and people all made choices... and... outcomes are what they are. But you do have to move forward and I think you are doing so as well as you can. And letting your daughter go might be the best move at this time for both of you. At this point, you are both adults and both in charge of your individual needs. You need to find joy and happiness in your life. If she cannot be part of that joy right now, she cannot take away the oy that she has brought you at vaious times throughout your lives. You can love those memories.
xxxooo - I will do a catch up soon. For the most part, all is good. Life is moving fast and I am hanging on and mostly enjoying the ride.
Love, Beth

Twoapenny:
Hopsie,

I felt so sad when I read about your current situation with your daughter.  I can see why she has certain issues - let's face it, we all do in life. I don't think anyone escapes some kind of heartache or rough ride along the way - and I can see that you feel you made some choices that weren't great (hindsight is a wonderful thing).  But, to be brutally honest, it seems to me that you are shouldering a lot of the blame for things that others have done to her and possibly for some of the things that she has done to herself. I think it sounds like you are handling it so well but it makes me sad that she doesn't appreciate you and realise how lucky she is to have a mum that loves her, cares for her, is willing to admit she's made mistakes and own them, not blame them on other people.  I'd love to have a mum like you - as I bet you and everyone else on the board would, too!

So I'm hoping that, in time, as you move in to that lovely home of yours, tend and nurture your garden and look after yourself the very best you can, that she will realise how lucky she is to have you in her life and that one day we'll log on here and read an amazing post about the two of you sitting in the garden together, talking things through and doing the best you can.  You aren't responsible for the things other people did to her and around her - they each have their own stories and their own connections.  We can't be everything to our children all of the time and there's such a big difference between a loving parent making mistakes and an abusive parent using a child as part of their dysfunctional family.  We all make mistakes, Hopsie, but I really hope your D is able to see that and let it all go.  It's obvious how much you love her.  I hope she's working through her problems and not just dumping them all in your yard.  We want your yard filled with plants and roses!  I wish I had a wand to make it all okay.

Thinking of you - sending love - warmth - hugs and friendship ((((((((((((((((((((((Hopsie)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

sKePTiKal:
What Tupps' has said is very wise.

Glad some others were able to keep blowing on the white-light flame, while I made a trip through the dark-side with one of my own Ds. I need to re-read your post Hops, just to make SURE you're not trying to steal the check and pay the price for your D's unhappiness with her life, you, and what she can't control or change; the mental illness.

I know you watch out for that. But sometimes our subconscious selves can be a just tad crafty about new or different ways to get into those fixes. And I worry about thorns, poison ivy, and biting insects in your garden.

Hopalong:
Beth, Tupp-- thank you for your great compassion. I am so grateful. Your mercy helps me extend myself, a bit of my own. I also coincidentally met with our minister tonight and our talk went very deep. He too reminded me, as you have PR, not to take this ALL in as my doing, or all my fault. He says, flaws and all...it's really not. And reminded me just as you did, Tupp, of how my memories of her loving me, and our happy times, are still real, in the present, part of me. And not something her present actions can take away. I can still feel them. And I do.

I really know it's really not all my fault, and if anything, I have vacuumed my past for ways I have contributed to her suffering, and atoned over and over. I just miss her. The loss is like having the marrow sucked out of your bones. i told him it shakes my identity to my core. He, like a good spiritual advisor, asked: "And what if she never does?" I mean that it really was a good question. I said, 'You're doing the Victor Frankl?" He kind of was.

Anyway, it led me to a place of peace, for now. Acceptance is the biggest word in my vocabulary right now, and he reminded me...that is what leaves room for whatever is on the "other side" of loss. Accepting it "is what it is" right now can permit my times of happiness regardless. And, acceptance also leaves room for me to be full of a different joy if it changes. Either way...desired outcome or learning \ peace in the present with all that it is, even the waves of pain...either way, acceptance is the only path to happiness.

I didn't say all that as eloquently as he did. But he did lead me somewhere good.

I can testify to that in the present because on the way home my transmission had a coronary, and I didn't freak out! Just called AAA, and thought how lucky I was that it took me all the way to where I'm staying first. (Well, within a block.)

Love and much thanks again,
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Oh Hopsie,

of course it's not all your fault! Life is just more complicated & mysterious than that and it contains equal amounts of joy, happiness, silly giddiness and encompassing grief and loss and lingering sorrow, never more than one can bear (despite how often it feels we can't bear any more).

But new chapters mean we have this opportunity to look around us again - to see the joyful things that are showered on us, on a daily basis - without the same old, tired frames of reference. Our contexts change and we can either move into it and explore and have fun or cling to "stuckness" with a ferocity of desperation that really doesn't make sense, once we ask ourselves "why?"

You certainly deserve all the opportunities this change brings with it to laugh, dance, giggle and smell some new roses.

I propose a toast to Hops and my undying gratitude for all she's given of herself to help me and so many others here see our own opportunities to grow and move on.

Here's to your turn, Hops.

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