Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
new chapter -- please send light
lighter:
Oh Hops:
Just when I was really and deeply questioning my lifestyle choices (shouldn't I be dating/remarrying/providing my children with a father, and male/female relationship models?) your reflections bring me some peace. I'll try to slow and stop the reflexive chemical dump I have every time my youngest asks me to "find me another Daddy." Ouch.
As painful as it is to empathize with your heart, as a mother, I learn from your journey. It's been a gift, and I have no doubt that everyone walking the earth would make different choices, looking back. That's what it is to be human. We learn from our mistakes, we atone (or not) and we do better when we can. Your heart wants to atone. Your heart wants to heal, and that's a gift your daughter may unwrap in her own time.
Think about what that gift would have meant had your mother been able to offer it to you. It's a very special gift, Hops, and you can only do what you can do. The serenity prayer comes to mind here.
I love the idea of you caring for yourself, nurturing a cozy garden again, creating sacred space in your little nest, Hops. This place of safety and love you create will be there for your child when she's ready, Hops......
and she knows that too.
Another gift.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Hey Hopsie,
I sent my mum a birthday card yesterday. I've not contacted her in five years now, except to threaten her with an injunction if she kept hassling me. Some of the things I've been angry about in the past - things to do with my childhood - weren't really her fault, they were just bad decisions. I think part of my growth, as an adult, has been to see that we all get it wrong sometimes, and that's just how it goes.
The deliberate abuse - and her refusal to deal with the abuse her husband was dishing out to me - have been much harder to accept, come to terms with, deal with and move past. But your posts about your D have made me realise that I wanted to let go of the past, to move on without it controlling my life and to lift myself out of the groove that was created by all the bad things that happened when I was young. I don't want to be in contact with my mum, but I do want to feel that I've finished with 'all that'. Sending the birthday card symbolised, for me, letting go of the past and moving into the future, even though I don't know what the future holds and I find that kind of scary. I'm hoping in some way that action, that shift, will somehow move the universe/cosmos/God, whatever belief system any of us have, around one more notch and bring your D a step closer to letting go of the things that are holiding her where she is right now.
Smiley light thoughts being sent your way :) xx
Hopalong:
Beth, Tupp, Lighter, PR, and Tupp again--
You are the mercy seat.
I can't express how lifting, reassuring, and most of all KIND your responses are.
Thank you. From deep in my heart, thank you.
You have each one given me not only perspective but...how do I put it...like a comforting, full-eye-contact, reassurance that is so very meaningful. I know that coming from you, given all you each have been through, forgiveness of a witless mother with her own Nspots, is valuable beyond describing.
(And Tupp, that you sent your feckless mother a birthday card, with your own spark of forgiveness, brought me tears.)
MUCH love to all of you (off to try to negotiate like an Amazon with brass balls, I mean eggs, for a used car).
hugs,
Hops
lighter:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on June 28, 2012, 06:34:08 PM ---
........ (off to try to negotiate like an Amazon with brass balls, I mean eggs, for a used car).
hugs,
hops
--- End quote ---
Well, I'm hoping you got the car you needed, and at the price you wanted, Hops.
In any case,
....::raising a (fig.) spear to acknowledge your struggle, intestinal fortitude, and ability to persevere in the face of overwhelming rhetoric from a used car salesman pretending to ask his manager if he can "go any lower."::
......I'm with you in spirit.
Let us know how it went.
Lighter
Hopalong:
My brass eggs were clanking so loudly it gave the salesman a headache.
It was a grueling day but I wound up with a decent vehicle at a good price.
Haggled and held firm.
However, I also felt the salesman was a good egg, no pun intended,
and times have been hard for anyone in/near the auto industry. The
independent mechanics who checked 2 vehicles out for me are also very
trustworthy. (Steered me away from one that would've been a big mistake
and reassured me about the one I chose.) So this morning I wrote thank-
yous and testimonials, and CC'd their bosses, etc. That felt good.
All in all, it turned out very well.
hugs
Hops
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