Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Histrionic PD

<< < (5/9) > >>

gratitude28:
Silver and Mild...
Even watched a show or a movie with your N? Nothing like hours of listening to whom they find attractive, what they feel is valid, who is ugly, who is fat, yada, yada, yada. And if you don't agree, "I don't care what you say, I think...."

Meh:
Um, well my mother doesn't harass the television. Her thing is that she prefers the television over most everything except her dog's pooh.  :) :(

sKePTiKal:
I'm still processing Beth. Digesting. Letting some of the disgust wash off.

When she's not drinking - it's easier to see the attention-seeking, the pushing boundaries of decency because she wants ______ (?????). H, her sister, and I help each other a lot - which involves holding each other back, at times... processing... because both of have been hurt, repeatedly by A... have walked away.... then given her another chance... only to get hurt again. This is our whole shared history.

At 10, A manipulated a different custody arrangement because she was chafing under rules and limits and expectations placed on her by teachers and myself. She wasn't doing homework. She could do the work and quite well; she's gifted mathematically and musically. Unfortunately this arrangement included her sister - and H was squarely in the middle and conflicted about it. My ex - N - #1... well, I know he's part of the problem but I just don't know how - yet. H & Dad butted heads - because of his delusions/denial about A and making H that family scapegoat. H is also quite talented and she's acquired good inner skills, boundaries, and street smarts. She meets the qualifications of our Amazon tribe.

A has been showing off, hamming it up, and acting or performing as long as I can remember. At 14, while on a visit from Dad's, both H & I were in no certain uncertain terms, shut out of her life. She clung to H tho, until she went to college... and some time after she'd switched majors so many times it was clear that she wasn't going to graduate. I've slowly pried H out of automatically jumping into the role of A's mom. With the rivalry between the two... this just is NOT a good situation... and H has a low tolerance for emotional frustration. She's put up with quite enough already.

There are tons of Dad issues between the two of them. Occasionally, non sequitor - out of the blue - comments which are never elaborated on make me question just what all DID happen during those years. His issues, even at 60+, are still getting him in trouble and forcing him to move on to another location. The last one was being fired for sexual harassment. I do not think about my 5 years with him at all and have absolutely NO desire to recall any of it. Don't take this literally, but I'd just soon shoot him as try to talk anything through. His involvement with either of the girls is always worse than none - he causes additional layers of problems.

Once I was able to talk to rational A again, she told me that she feels H and I are always trying to "fix her"... and she doesn't want us to "fix her" because there's nothing wrong with her, to her way of thinking. I conceded that fair point, well made. She became an issue during my time in T, because of an awful DUI with her kids in the vehicle. The jail had to put her in a straight jacket that night because of suicidal/psychotic behavior. I talked to her on the phone at 3 am., and fully understand their decision. My T very firmly put "fixing her" off limits because of the work I was doing at the time, which was too delicate for me to have an iota of perspective... and because A is an adult. So I've adhered to those boundaries and don't do the "mom rushes in to rescue" or anything. It is - unfortunately - a dangerous place for me.

Here's the thing: both H and I have the distinct impression, feeling, perception that she DOES want to ask for help from us. I recognized that she was a.) making us responsible for her by being caught up in her "performance" of her and projecting it all over us, without acknowledging anyone else's existence around her... literally, forcing us to "wear" her shoes... and saying she only wanted someone to understand her and the b.) turning around and attacking us as mean and judgemental for our own thoughts and feelings feedback we were giving her... in a compassionate, gentle, non-threatening or judging way.

Through some assymetrical questions, I discovered some odd things. She thinks all feelings are bad and to be avoided. (Where have I heard that before, sigh?) She doesn't understand boundaries between people - not the social conventions, nor even boundaries between she and I, H and her; her and her kids. She projects what she feels onto us - and when we point out that it's nutz to misconstrue what we said into that... then, we're being unfair... and that word: judgemental. Which led me to very carefully bring up the topic of shame. I didn't pursue it at that time... just introduced it to the discussion and let it go.

We DO care about her and with some work on herself (and avoiding substances) she would be fun to be around. Neither her sister or I think she's "bad" - we just want her well. No, I'm not going to try to be her therapist. I'm still going to keep to my boundaries... and it will be a long, long time before I agree to a 3-way visit again. It's just too much a hall of mirrors and I'm still exhausted. My hubs feels like I went away physically - literally left the premises - while they were here. And the thing is, with A - EVERY time she's going to be around we're overcome with a sense of dread of what will happen this time - because something always does: it's part of her performance and her justification for blaming US for her problem when we try to create normal boundaries and sane limits.

So: Releasing the outcome... the monopoly on my thoughts, feelings... and letting it go.

OH - and the kids are better than they were; we could actually have simple fun. Additionally, nursing school requires her to make a will and H will be named guardian of the boys, which she has been willing to do for quite some time. I insisted she needed a life of her own, first - before she gave that opportunity away to clean up A's.

SilverLining:

--- Quote from: gratitude28 on June 26, 2012, 09:53:33 PM ---Silver and Mild...
Even watched a show or a movie with your N? Nothing like hours of listening to whom they find attractive, what they feel is valid, who is ugly, who is fat, yada, yada, yada. And if you don't agree, "I don't care what you say, I think...."

--- End quote ---

The last time I watched a movie with my father, I was treated to a mini lecture on what makes  a "good" movie.  He doesn't qualify this as his opinion, or personal preference.  He is actually tapping into objective truth.   And since he knows the truth, there is no room for reciprocity.  It's like listening to a college professor do a lecture.   This is pretty typical of my interactions with him.  Since I know nothing I say even registers, I just shut up and watch the clock. 

I did a search yesterday on temporoparietal junction.  I think they are really onto something with this research.   They are identifying parts of the brain responsible for self awareness, distinction between self and others, self definition, theory of other's minds.    This hits on many of the issues I've identified in my FOO.  My father is 78 years old and still seems to be caught in the childhood project of defining himself, generally in opposition to others.   He's too stuck at this level to ever have a real reciprocal interaction with an other adult. 

gratitude28:
Silver- couldn't help but laugh at your dad's expertise. Lord, they are pathetically funny at times. Interesting... the self and others link. So much of what NM "assigns" me are her feelings. One day I was looking at a picture of my sister (we were all together) and she was wearing a dress that was pretty, but didn't completely flatter her. My instinct would have been to say that the dress was a nice color (it was). M turned around and snarled, "And don't you even say your sister looks heavy in that dress." Uhhhh... her thoughts and she puts them on me???? Then I look like the bad guy even though I had no intention of saying that. They have no boundary of self at all.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page