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Twoapenny:
Hi all,

I'm sorry, because I'm asking another question before I've responded to my previous posts, but my head is kind of jumping around at the minute so I hope you can all bear with me?

I'm finding myself questioning friendships and wondering if I'm being over sensitive?

A lot of my friends - good friends, close friends, friends who I've seen and spent time with regularly over long periods - move on to different things and it feels like they forget about me.  One went from daily phone calls to not returning calls after she moved house.  It left me feeling that she just needed company and I was available at that time.  Another friend gave me lots of help during a difficult time in my life, but now when I call her she seems impatient to end the conversation and do something else.  The most common is single friends who I see a lot of when they're single and who then disappear when they get a new boyfriend.  A lot of my friends are available when their husbands are out, but not when they are at home - this always really reminds me of my mum so I struggle with it.

I don't feel I have many friends that I have completely equal relationships with - in fact I can only think of two that are like that.

I know that life changes, it's fluid, people's circumstances change, the time they have available changes, and so on.  I know that, at the moment, I am analysing everything in minute detail - I get like this sometimes and it will pass.  But I also feel a sense of not knowing whether I am somehow choosing people who 'leave' me at some point or whether I am over thinking this?

With the friends I feel equal with, we ring each other about the same number of times, we meet up at each other's convenience (by that I mean we take turns so that it's not one person doing all the driving, for example).  We call each other when we need to talk but it's not the only time we call, we also ring just to catch up and see how things are going.  But with most of my other friends it feels unequal, like I have to do a lot more of the work and I only get to see them if I visit them.  Quite a few don't return my calls for a very long time after I leave a message.  Do I stop calling these people or accept that everyone changes and not take it personally?  It's getting me down at the minute.  People seem to think I'm very popular but I feel so lonely so much of the time.

And dating!  I've tried several dating websites, re-written my profile several times, used 'neutral' pictures - ie, just me looking normal, not with my boobs out as so many do!  I've had lots of requests for casual sex (to which I've said no thank you), very boring emails from men banging on about how awful women are, one guy who appeared to be sending me his life story a chapter at a time, a couple who've reacted quite angrily to my saying I didn't want to meet up after swapping a few emails (in two cases I felt I didn't really know them, their emails seemed very much like something they had to do in order to get a date rather than actually exchanging much information?  So I didn't feel comfortable and said so.  Another got very cross because I didn't feel I had time to ring him and asked him if he'd mind leaving things for now until my situation had calmed down a bit.  He seemed very angry about that.  One weekend I sent twenty two emails to guys of my age group, friendly chatting, just to practise getting used to these sorts of things again.  No-one replied.

So I'm wondering.  Is all of this normal?  Is this what it is like for everybody?  Am I doing it wrong?  Can I change the way I am with people, the way I approach people?  Am I too demanding, do I expect too much?  I would really welcome your thoughts on this one - and I will reply to the other posts as soon as my head has settled down a little.  Thank you.

BonesMS:
((((((((((((((((((((TwoaPenny)))))))))))))))))))))

From my perspective, you are NOT doing anything wrong.  I struggle with the same issues and often wonder if it's because of my Asperger's, or not learning how to socialize normally given that I grew up with a Narcissistic Rage-aholic who forced the NGCB and me to orbit ONLY around HER, or both.

Bones

Twoapenny:
Thanks, Bonesie!  In some ways I would prefer to be doing something wrong - then I could change what I do and fix it!  I had a conversation with a friend and I think the thing I really struggle with is I don't have any friends I can actually talk about any of this stuff to.  This particular friend is another who I've spent a lot of time with over the years and we've done a lot together, but when we talk on the phone she talks about herself for most of the conversation.  She doesn't ask anything about me and I find myself having to sort of jump in with a bit about what we've been doing otherwise I don't get to say anything!  I'm just feeling that thing were if a lot of people around you do the same thing, is it you that has the problem?  I suppose it's that that's going around in my head at the minute.

Something else that's just happened is that I had an email from someone who was involved in the on-line discussion that triggered this whole situation off for me again (it was a while ago now).  The email was very nice and sweet and she was saying she felt bad about what had gone on and she hoped I was okay.  My initial response was to write and thank her and try to explain some of what it is like for me as an adult survivor of childhood abuse.  But I just found that her email triggered a whole lot of stuff again.  I had to work really hard to get that particular forum out of my head and I had managed it, but now it's all whizzing around again.  So I didn't reply and I just deleted it.

That is not what I normally do.  Usually I would at least be polite and respond to put her mind at rest.  I don't know if me deleting it was a good or a bad sign.

Bonesie, it's interesting that you mention your Asperger's as well.  It's a condition that requires support and understanding from others, so growing up with that and your home life the way it was must have been even harder.  Do you feel people let you down or is it being sociable in itself that is difficult to do?  ((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))

Meh:
It might be a combo of people being erratic and busy and having their own relating styles and quirks and also your relating habits.

Some people do have friends they have known since kids that become their brides maids...and so on. The life long brides maid pals.

I like movies where there are groups of women friends sitting around.
There are scenes in the "Jane Austen Book Club"
Also a scene in the movie called "It's complicated."

Yeah I never really had that.

Twoapenny:
Hi Salsa,

Yes, I'm a bit like that too.  I'm living back where I grew up now and came back about four years ago.  Lots of my friends from back then - school days - still live here, have never lived or worked anywhere else, still see the same people, still with the same guys.

I do get that some friendships just fall by the way side - sometimes I think they're just meant to be for a certain time and they naturally fall away.  Also, I know if I kept in touch with every single person I've ever been friends with I'd be spending all day on the phone and writing letters - time plays a bit part and things do change with kids, jobs, health problems and so on.  I suppose the ones that bother me at the minute are the ones that don't feel like they've naturally drifted away - there's been a dramatic change, or perhaps I am just noticing things I didn't before?

Hope you are doing okay.  It's funny how I can talk to on-line friends so much more easily than I can 'real' people? :)

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