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Why do we feel so guilty over NC?

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JustKathy:
I say "we" in the title because I just have this feeling that most of us feel some level of guilt over this.

Let me start by saying that I never felt the slightest bit of guilt over going NC with my NMother. She was so wicked, so evil, and committed such acts of cruelty against me that I never felt anything but unburdened. But going NC with my Co-father has been a different struggle, and I'm trying to come to grips with the reasons why I feel so darned guilty. I just want to stop having doubts, and stop questioning myself. I don't know how to move forward.

I spent the better part of 40 years making excuses for the man, telling myself that he really did love me, but that he was brainwashed by NM. At one point I managed to convince myself that he was mentally retarded, in a Forrest Gump "simpleton" kind of way. After all, he never ever engaged in any serious conversation, just nodded his head in agreement or dismissed serious problems with the usual, "Oh well, you know. La la la. Yup, you know."

In the last year, since our move, he has continued to send cards and letters to an address that he has never verified as mine. The only proof NM has is finding two names that matched ours on public record as buying this house. But we were unable to sell our old house in AZ and have kept it as a rental, so our names are still attached to that property too. The thing that set off NM's online search was me unplugging the phone line, something we were planning on doing anyway since we now use our cells as our primary phones. Today another card came, this one a birthday card for my husband, again with a note saying he hopes to see us soon. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. Yet I still feel sorry for him.

In the year since going NC, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the things he did, and in looking back, they were a million times worse than I ever allowed myself to believe them to be. I always made excuses for him, I always forgave him. But lately I spend a lot of time reliving the punishments he inflicted on me when I was in high school because NM told him I was on drugs, failing in school, sleeping with boys, all things I never did. I spent three years crying and pleading with him to please believe me, and he never did. Not even the benefit of a doubt. No wiggle room. I was the "bad seed." Mother said so. When I was homeless and starving on the streets he wouldn't even give me a $20 bill for food because "Your mother says I can't help you." My God, I could have been raped or murdered out there, a vulnerable girl who was more naive than most, thanks to NM's attempts at sheltering me and trying to force me to remain in a state of arrested development.

Long story short, after a year of throwing the cards and letters away, I want to start returning them, marked: RETURN TO SENDER, NOT AT THIS ADDRESS. He deserves it. He really does. In fact, I'm sure he knows that he deserves it. And still, I hate myself for being cruel to my abusers. He abused ME, and I hate myself for hurting him.

How do you all cope? Or do you? Are we all destined to a life of guilt? Is this the trade-off for going NC. If it is, it seems that we'll never be free. They'll always have a hold on us.

Kathy

Twoapenny:
Kathy, it's a toughie and I feel for you.  I struggled with this sort of thing for a really long time.  I've got to a point now where I don't feel guilty and the only reason I can think that is (other than time simply being a healer!) is that I have finally managed to separate myself from my parents and no longer feel responsible for their feelings and emotions.  I was raised - I think we all were - believing that their happiness was my responsibility and knowing only too well which misdemeanours would make them unhappy.  This was a very bad thing and my punishment for displeasing them was days of the silent treatment and generally being made to feel like something they'd stepped in.

I think, for me, I just kept plugging away at reasoning it out with myself and eventually it - they - stopped being part of my life and my responsibiliity.  I suppose, when young, it is easier to cope with one parent's abusive behaviour if we convince ourselves that another parent is okay.  Figuring out later on that isn't the case is tough, along with coping with knowing that, by withdrawing we are effectively cutting off their 'source' and that will hurt them, although in a way that is different to most people being hurt.  By that I mean most people aren't abusive and so we don't need to cut off contact with them in order to be healthy ourselves.
I think the key thing for me when I read your post was your remark that you "hate yourself for being cruel to my abusers".  I think I'd work on that.  Deciding to stop a person abusing you isn't an act of cruelty on your part.  Logically you know that, but I think the little child part of us still feels that it is up to us to make them happy by taking whatever they give out.  I think that's the bit I'd try and work on.  One exercise I've found useful was writing to my inner child, as an adult.  Basically you write to them talking about what you know they've been through, validating it, explaining, as you would to a child, why it was wrong for people to do x/y/z to them, why it's okay to say no, keep yourself safe etc, and then reassuring them that you're there for them, you'll keep them safe now, they don't have to do x again or see y or speak to z.

Something else you could think about, if you haven't done it before, is writing an honest letter to you dad, telling him about the various things that went on, how you feel about them now and that you are trying to come to terms with it and move on with your life and for that reason you don't want to be in touch with him.  I've written lots of letters like that, in the early days I used to send them, these days I keep them to myself.

I suppose the thing that is difficult for us is to put ourselves first and think about how we feel, rather than how they feel.  Another skill that takes practise, I guess?

Keep plugging away.  Keep telling yourself what you know to be true - it's not only okay, it's essential not to be in unhealthy relationships, whoever they are with and for whatever reason.  Maybe you can keep a list of all the reasons you don't want to be in contact with him and read it every time you feel guilty (you might find it in your hand constantly!).  If it's any help, I don't think that you have any reason to feel guilty at all.  You deserve a good life, a happy life.  Working through what happened is part of that.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kathy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

BonesMS:
((((((((((((((((((((((((Kathy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hopalong:
If you do write him, perhaps just tell him this:

I always made excuses for you, I always forgave you. But lately I spend a lot of time reliving the punishments you inflicted on me when I was in high school because my mother told you I was on drugs, failing in school, sleeping with boys, all things I never did. I spent three years crying and pleading with you to please believe me, and you never did. Not even the benefit of a doubt. No wiggle room. I was the "bad seed." Mother said so. When I was homeless and starving on the streets you wouldn't even give me a $20 bill for food because, "Your mother says I can't help you." My God, I could have been raped or murdered out there, a vulnerable girl who was more naive than most.

You could tell him that though you forgive him and wish him peace, contact is too painful for you because he's never acknowledged your need to be believed and cared about. And that's why.

You could suggest to him too that he visit a counselor or pastor, and take your letter with him. And that if they can help him find a way to respond appropriately to you to help heal the past, things could be different. But without that, though you forgive, you are not able for your own health's sake, to be in contact.

That would give him a plain, reality-based opportunity to see if he can repair things enough to be able to hear something from you, some day.

Unlikely, I know. And if you don't want to do that, I don't think you have to. But if you do, if you think it would resolve that sorrow--it does offer your father a chance to atone, to whatever degree he is capable of. And you're giving him truth in a merciful way.

hugs
Hops

ann3:
And still, I hate myself for being cruel to my abusers. He abused ME, and I hate myself for hurting him.

Kathy,
You can think/express your feelings about how EF treated you without being cruel.  "Being cruel" is not a necessary result.  I'm guessing what you really feel and want to express is the pain & hurt you felt (& still feel).  Perhaps you fear that if you expressed that pain, the truth of your feelings could be perceived as being cruel.  But, being cruel is not your intention.  However, if the other person perceives it as such, you have no control over that.  

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