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Why do we feel so guilty over NC?

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JustKathy:
Wow, thank you everyone for your amazing insight and words of wisdom. For all the years I've spent on a therapist's couch, I've yet to speak to a mental health professional who "gets it" the way another N victim does.

The idea of writing a letter is a good one. I'd like to do that, just to close the book, and let him know how I feel. The problem is that I see him reading it, but not comprehending it. I have tried SO many times to tell him how I feel, and all I've ever gotten was the "simpleton" routine of babbling and changing the subject to mindless chit-chat. When that failed, my husband made several attempts at getting through to him to no avail. When I was disinherited, Co-F kept saying that it was no big deal because they had no money left. Hubby told him straight up, "She doesn't want your money, she wants your LOVE." The response was something about needing to wash his car.

The last conversation I had with him was when he told me he had given the GC a treasured family heirloom that had been promised to me, done to please NM, who did it to spite me. I broke down in tears and started having chest pains. Hubby took the phone from me and told my father, "Can't you hear her? Can't you hear what you've done. She's in PAIN." Again, F started chanting "la la la la can't hear you," and proceeded to talk about his tomato garden while I cried and screamed in the background. That was last phone call we ever took from him.

I guess it can't hurt to write the letter and hold onto it. At the very least, it might be a healing experience for me to put my feelings onto paper. If I were to send it, it would be after NM dies (that is, if she really is dying of cancer, something that still seems rather suspect). I just don't know if he'll ever truly get it, or if he even cares if he hurt me. He HAS to know that he did. I think what matters to him, is that he gave 110% to his Queen, and to his Golden Child, and anyone who fell through the cracks, oh well, that's life. He took care of what was important to him. I just wasn't one of those things.

JustKathy:
Oh, I should probably explain my reasons for not sending a letter while NM is still alive.

1. She brings in the mail, and goes through everything. She'll make sure that he never sees the letter.

2. If by some chance he DOES get the letter, he'll immediately show her because he's hard wired to report everything to her. I can't begin to imagine what she'd do at that point, but it would be BAD. It's just best for everyone if that kind of contact not happen while she's still breathing.

Twoapenny:
Hi Kathy,

I can really identify with what you're saying.  I think I finally got to a stage with my mum where I don't expect her to behave like a 'normal' person would and for some reason that makes it easier to deal with.  The only way I can think of explaining it is by comparing her to my son, who is autistic.  His brain is wired differently, so there are things that he just can't do - his brain doesn't allow him to do them.  I think it's probably the same with some of this stuff - their brains are wired in such a way that some things just can't happen.  They can't see how bad they make you feel or accept or acknowledge it - their brains just can't process that and do something useful with it.  Over the years that has sunk into my head more and more and I've found myself at a point now where I feel I 'get' that they won't get it!

Writing letters has always helped me, it's just good to get it out of your system and down on paper.  Keep writing them, you can write every day, especially if you aren't going to send them.  I found I made the most progress when I started focussing on what was good for me, what I needed to do to help myself instead of thinking about everyone else.  There are times when all I want to do is curl up on the sofa with a bar of chocolate and a crap film or a gossip magazine.  There was a time when I wouldn't have allowed myself anything like that, now I think it's okay if, for some reason, I need that from time to time so I do it and I don't worry about what anyone else thinks of it.  I honestly think it gets easier eventually. xx

gratitude28:
Kathy,
As I read your letter, I see my father. He was much better than yours... he shut his eyes to a lot, but stepped in when necessary. I still get very angry when I think of how he pretends and puts his head in the sand. Reading your post, I do feel bad for your dad in a sense. He must be lonely in the world he chose. But I feel more for you and what you went through. In my case, I had my father to refute what my mother said about me - you did not. That is beyond weak - that put you in harm's way. Sending you love and strength - you need them both and you need to know what you are doing is right for your family. I wish I could take away the guilt for you. I think, sometimes, we are programmed for guilt because we are good people and we feel...
Love, Beth

JustKathy:
Thanks everyone. Twoapenny, I think your comparison to your autistic son is a very good one. In the case of a Co-Father, I tend to think that they're born with "normal" brains, so to speak, but somewhere along the line something in that brain becomes detached and stops functioning normally. While an N is born with a mental illness, the Co parent, I believe, learns the behavior (though they may be born with it, I don't know). My feeling is that at some point they shut down, because they simply don't know what else to do. In Beth's case, her Co-F retained enough of his identity that he was still able to interfere, but for many, they seem to revert to an almost adolescent state because they just don't how to react to the situation they've been placed in. My father handled it in in a very childlike way, by rocking back and forth, pretending he couldn't hear or see. My NM did his thinking for him. He seemed unable to process his own thoughts. He had one goal in life, and that was to please his queen and his "namesake," the GC. There were no independent thoughts to detract from that one very focused goal.

This morning I actually opened the card he sent to my husband and read it. The greeting said, "Dear Dave. Hope you have a happy birthday. Sure would be nice if you would bother to call us sometime." Wow. My first thought was crap, how nasty can you be (similarly, my birthday card basically said, "Happy Birthday, your mother is dying"). My second thought was that it sounded too aggressive hor him, and that NM had probably told him to write that. My third thought was more of a reaction than a thought. "Gee dad, it sure would have been nice if you had BOTHERED to stand up for your daughter, or BOTHERED to show up to my high school graduation, or BOTHERED to acknowledge the MBA that I spent years struggling to earn, or BOTHERED to include me in your will, even if you had left me nothing but a box of match sticks."

I just don't how to handle this situation with these letters and gifts, which will never stop coming. What would you guys do? Would you allow them to keep coming, or send them back marked Not at This Address, Return to Sender. I feel SO horribly violated, that NM jumped to the conclusion that we moved without telling them, and that she went to the trouble to stalk me, track me down, and rub in my face that she found me. Another five months from now will mean another Christmas Box of Doom, and I don't want anymore of them coming. I want these people removed from my life. I'll never be able to remove them from my thoughts, but I'm sick of the constant reminders. That IS the reason that these cards and letters are being sent. NM wants to be sure that I am constantly reminded that I can't run from her. "I Will NOT be ignored."

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