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Why do we feel so guilty over NC?

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BonesMS:

--- Quote from: JustKathy on July 05, 2012, 05:49:55 PM ---Thanks everyone. Twoapenny, I think your comparison to your autistic son is a very good one. In the case of a Co-Father, I tend to think that they're born with "normal" brains, so to speak, but somewhere along the line something in that brain becomes detached and stops functioning normally. While an N is born with a mental illness, the Co parent, I believe, learns the behavior (though they may be born with it, I don't know). My feeling is that at some point they shut down, because they simply don't know what else to do. In Beth's case, her Co-F retained enough of his identity that he was still able to interfere, but for many, they seem to revert to an almost adolescent state because they just don't how to react to the situation they've been placed in. My father handled it in in a very childlike way, by rocking back and forth, pretending he couldn't hear or see. My NM did his thinking for him. He seemed unable to process his own thoughts. He had one goal in life, and that was to please his queen and his "namesake," the GC. There were no independent thoughts to detract from that one very focused goal.

This morning I actually opened the card he sent to my husband and read it. The greeting said, "Dear Dave. Hope you have a happy birthday. Sure would be nice if you would bother to call us sometime." Wow. My first thought was crap, how nasty can you be (similarly, my birthday card basically said, "Happy Birthday, your mother is dying"). My second thought was that it sounded too aggressive hor him, and that NM had probably told him to write that. My third thought was more of a reaction than a thought. "Gee dad, it sure would have been nice if you had BOTHERED to stand up for your daughter, or BOTHERED to show up to my high school graduation, or BOTHERED to acknowledge the MBA that I spent years struggling to earn, or BOTHERED to include me in your will, even if you had left me nothing but a box of match sticks."

I just don't how to handle this situation with these letters and gifts, which will never stop coming. What would you guys do? Would you allow them to keep coming, or send them back marked Not at This Address, Return to Sender. I feel SO horribly violated, that NM jumped to the conclusion that we moved without telling them, and that she went to the trouble to stalk me, track me down, and rub in my face that she found me. Another five months from now will mean another Christmas Box of Doom, and I don't want anymore of them coming. I want these people removed from my life. I'll never be able to remove them from my thoughts, but I'm sick of the constant reminders. That IS the reason that these cards and letters are being sent. NM wants to be sure that I am constantly reminded that I can't run from her. "I Will NOT be ignored."

--- End quote ---

Hi, Kathy.

If I may make a suggestion or two.......

I would make a ritual of BURNING the unwanted cards and use the outdoor grill to do so.  Cook some hot dogs and/or hamburgers while you're at it and have a backyard BBQ with some friends.  When other unwanted mail show up, have a friend of yours write on it, "NOT AT THIS ADDRESS, RETURN TO SENDER".  That way, the handwriting can't be easily recognized.

As for the Box of Doom, either have the same friend write on the box, "NOT AT THIS ADDRESS, RETURN TO SENDER" or simply give the box to the Salvation Army or Good Will for a tax write off.  Let the NBitch get her own knickers in a twist when she gets NO response from you or Hubs.  If she knows she's getting under your skin, she will continue her malicious torture because she's getting self-gratification from it.  I can understand the feeling of violation because, in a sense, (if I may be so blunt), this is her form of masturbation and using you as her object to get her rocks off.  Let her find some other way for her to go screw herself without using you or hubs.  (Maybe send her to Sigmund Freud.)

JustKathy:
Thanks Bones. I appreciate the bluntless. You're absolutely right!

Right now she thinks that we're getting the letters because she has no proof that we aren't (no proof that we ARE, but also, no proof that we aren't). I've destroyed all of the checks, so none have been cashed. Logic would tell a normal person that they have the wrong address, but we aren't dealing with a normal person. I'd really like to return the latest letter and leave her wondering what became of all the stuff she's been sending. Since she's convinced herself that we've moved, returning the letters might send her on another investigate search, which will be a wild goose chase since there are hundreds of people in CA alone with the exact same name as me. Maybe some other Kathy will receive a box of gift cards, socks, and snarky notes this Christmas. ;)

Twoapenny:
Hi Kathy,

First of all I asked my mum to stop writing/contacting us.  She carried on.  Then I just ignored it all and she still carried on.  Then I wrote to her threatening to take out an injunction against her (after speaking to a solicitor) - at which point she stopped for the most part, although she still does things like sending my son a letter from Father Christmas (in the UK there are firms you can pay to send letters to children from Santa - she gets hers done through a charity that is supposed to prevent cruelty to children, which is ironic given the damage she did to us and the fact that her husband molests them, but there we are).  It might be worth talking to a solicitor about it.  The advice I was given was to write specifically stating that I wanted all contact to stop and listing the different ways it was occuring.  In the UK it doesn't have to be nasty or viscious to be considered harrassment; if you've made it clear you don't want it and it carries on then there are things that can be done, although you generally have to pay for the legal action yourself if it doesn't include violence.  Obviously laws are different in different places but it might be worth checking it out in your area and seeing what they suggest.  During my ignoring phase I was just throwing things away without opening them; I didn't want to read whatever nonsense she'd written but, like you, it used to upset every birthday and Christmas and I'd dread the post coming.  I found that having any kind of contact with her - even if just to tell her I didn't want contact - kind of fed her, whereas ignoring her completely cut off her supply.  So perhaps check out legal options and see if anything there is useful - if not maybe write once saying don't contact me again and if they keep coming throw them straight in the bin (take them to a public bin so you aren't tempted to open them a couple of days later!) and if she sends a Christmas box just take it straight to your nearest food bank/homeless shelter or just give it to someone who's on their own and might appreciate some extras at that time of year - if she's going to be irritating it might help to change her annoyingness into something good for someone else.  Take time to think through your options and see what feels best.  Remember to focus on you and what you want - not how she might react/respond to what you do.  Keep thinking me, me, me!

BonesMS:

--- Quote from: Twoapenny on July 06, 2012, 12:05:36 AM ---Hi Kathy,

First of all I asked my mum to stop writing/contacting us.  She carried on.  Then I just ignored it all and she still carried on.  Then I wrote to her threatening to take out an injunction against her (after speaking to a solicitor) - at which point she stopped for the most part, although she still does things like sending my son a letter from Father Christmas (in the UK there are firms you can pay to send letters to children from Santa - she gets hers done through a charity that is supposed to prevent cruelty to children, which is ironic given the damage she did to us and the fact that her husband molests them, but there we are).  It might be worth talking to a solicitor about it.  The advice I was given was to write specifically stating that I wanted all contact to stop and listing the different ways it was occuring.  In the UK it doesn't have to be nasty or viscious to be considered harrassment; if you've made it clear you don't want it and it carries on then there are things that can be done, although you generally have to pay for the legal action yourself if it doesn't include violence.  Obviously laws are different in different places but it might be worth checking it out in your area and seeing what they suggest.  During my ignoring phase I was just throwing things away without opening them; I didn't want to read whatever nonsense she'd written but, like you, it used to upset every birthday and Christmas and I'd dread the post coming.  I found that having any kind of contact with her - even if just to tell her I didn't want contact - kind of fed her, whereas ignoring her completely cut off her supply.  So perhaps check out legal options and see if anything there is useful - if not maybe write once saying don't contact me again and if they keep coming throw them straight in the bin (take them to a public bin so you aren't tempted to open them a couple of days later!) and if she sends a Christmas box just take it straight to your nearest food bank/homeless shelter or just give it to someone who's on their own and might appreciate some extras at that time of year - if she's going to be irritating it might help to change her annoyingness into something good for someone else.  Take time to think through your options and see what feels best.  Remember to focus on you and what you want - not how she might react/respond to what you do.  Keep thinking me, me, me!

--- End quote ---

I concur with Tup!

sKePTiKal:
Kathy... ((((((hugs)))))...

My mom used to send boxes & boxes of stuff and for the longest time it would enrage me or feel as tho' she was so into projecting herself onto me (an emotional pin the PD on the ass game)... I yelled at her when I received things I'd already said I didn't want... took unopened boxes right to the landfill as if it were toxic waste...

Somehow - one day it started to feel like, "OH. There's a another box o' crap from mom. More junk to throw away. OK."  And then, weirdly enough -- she stopped sending them. Don't ask me, how they "do that"... but it was what I wanted... so I never said a word about it to rock the boat.

It took me a long time to realize that the boxes that arrived were just boxes... full of "stuff" (and some of it was pure junk...)... and that this stuff was as emotionally neutral as a box of rocks. And since for the longest time Mom wouldn't listen to me, understand that my house was stuffed to the gills, I didn't want/need any more STUFF - no matter whose it was - and she thought/believed/that her version of who I am would want this stuff - because she DOESN'T know me... only her crazy, made up version of me... which is more her than me...

since I wasn't ever going to be able to show her the real ME... and I was done trying to get her see me, in any case... all that emotional reaction, all those feelings, rage, grief, frustration (why won't she just leave me alone???!).... kept me locked into that power struggle, battle of life and death, my autonomy versus her "moms are forever; you're forever who I say you are" circle of hell. Once the emotions were burned out and a box was just a box - and nothing more - I found out I was free. Because no matter what she did, tried to do... I didn't get upset anymore -- it was just mom - some wack old lady with delusions, she has no fangs, she can't ruin my life anymore, or make me feel like shit... because emotionally I didn't take the bait, jump into the game by being outraged or hurt or whatever. (I still have to watch myself carefully though - it's easy to "forget" that lesson.)

Since that point, even the phone calls have gotten more spaced out - and I guess I mean that both ways, LOL! She calls less frequently and while there's still the same old broken record monologue... there's a bit more bizarro, wacked out crazy in her "presentation". And I only answer when I feel like it; feel up to it, now... which makes a huge difference for me.

But the whole point of this "story", is that the KEY to getting where the cards & letters - unbidden; unwanted; the symbol of relationship you don't acknowledge - don't bother you... is to have the feeling that they don't bother you. HOW one does that... well, I think that HOW is different for each and every one of us. My journey wouldn't help you figure out your own. But maybe knowing there is a point to get to, you'll find your way. (And it's only one point... there are others.)

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