Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Don't know what to call this

(1/5) > >>

sKePTiKal:
Not long ago, in someone's thread (Twoapenny??), we briefly talked about things we do to sort of recover "ourselves" after social events involving big numbers of people. Or anytime there's a lot of interpersonal activity. I've kinda noticed a shift in my routines... almost a return to the more compulsive (and self-soothing), inviolable, habits of the past.

I don't like this, because it's really non-productive... and too many things pile up into "big jobs", as a consequence. Intellectually, I don't like it.
Emotionally, I know this is some sort of perceived "need" - and it's a primal, all-consuming one. It's connected to another perception -- of too much going on all at once to process, that type of chaos -- and that stimulates the old anxiety-buttons. Sleep is the only "real" remedy I've found that works. Sometimes.

In one way, this feels like the most childish, selfish thing: like curling up in a corner with a blankie and sucking my thumb. I'll take a newspaper or magazine or book... retreat, withdraw, go hide... and pull up the invisible steel gates around me. I don't hear what people say to me; barely notice they're around me. There's no set timeframe for how long I need to do this... sometimes it can be days. It's like by going that far inside myself, I finally have found the "safe refuge"... where I'm not beseiged, taxed beyond my ability to remain cool, calm & collected, and like the Daruma Buddha doll... I've finally come to rest and am not wobbling anymore.

I have this idea, that this is a weird behavior or belief (after all... let's pull out the list..! LOL). That "normal" folk don't have this kind of need... and if they do, they don't indulge it. They carry on... and are just fine without that kind of "separation of being" from whatever is going on around them. They go with the flow... the words, the egos, the laughter or reprimands to children, the noise of groups of people just being... are not felt by "normals" as potential threats or annoyances or ... as anything directed at themselves or their physical safety. It's background noise, like a tv left on at night. It appears to me, anyway - that most people don't have the reaction I do. I'm not 100% sure about that.

I experience all that activity outside of me, as a feeling of falling into pieces... dispersing... not being one, whole person... like being picked apart by a flock of birds. In the past, the only solution was to flee the scene of the party or whatever. Find somewhere quiet(er)... with physical space around me... put actual physical distance between myself and the goings-on... and then just breathe for a bit. I've used headphones... the computer... books... the plethora of papers and magazines hubs still subscribes to... to maintain that kind of distance (even from hubs)... and then, when I do interact -- I deliberately (but not really consciously) pick one person at a time. Or I just hang out silently... the wallflower... people watcher... content (but not really) to just be there - but not participating. Even hubs' TV is an irritant this way. I will take my paper (and water) outside in the dangerous extreme heat (in the shade)... to sit and read somewhere peaceful... and let myself finally reassemble into a "conscious being, with will, attention, and an agenda".

The purpose of the withdrawal into myself... is to put all those pieces of me back together, in some recognizable semblance of what I call my "identity"... my "self". When I'm around other people - all my senses are laser-focused on them - I'm hypersensory, to coin a phrase - in that I'm noticing facial expressions, watching movements, "listening" for mood-temperatures, reacting to funnies... but I'm always like that one half-step removed outside... there's some "me"-part that's held back... that's too fragile for the rough-tumble reality of a group of people. If I don't have a chance to self-soothe, withdraw... then it escalates into being irritable, touchy, restless... until eventually, fusion/fission is achieved and there's an explosion, of sorts. Over nothing, usually.

OK - that's about the best description I can give. Anyone have any idea "what" this is? Ways to get past it, if you know what this is yourself? Or am I just doing too much navel-gazing, again?????

Thanks.

Hopalong:
Hi PR,
That's wonderfully described. I think it might be introversion plus trauma recovery. Plus stuff.

I am definitely an extravert but sometimes realize that I'm being manically (anxiously) extraverted, which
from what I gather, leaves me nearly as drained as intraverts feel after being too long out in the school (of minnows).

What pinged for me personally after reading your post was the strong positive effect on me of living with my
kind church friend. What she does is -- routines. She gets up early, cooks every morning, goes
off to work, sees an isolated elder every Monday evening, has church meetings (clockwork)
and takes care of her house.

She's a bit introverted herself but has subsumed that into a very strong sense of herself as
part of the community. So she does her community roles; she always has a place because
she focuses on others and identifies with the wellbeing of the community. She has problems,
including some medical ones, but is so busy taking care of others that she just deals with
them and moves on. (Revelation to self-absorbed me.) And, she is valued and loved and
has many friends. Domestically, her life is pretty old-fashioned. I like that. A lot. It's also fairly
simple. She's not a shopper or consumer and has got the healthy habits of someone who's learned
to live peacefully with herself.

Who knew you're supposed to wash your sheets every Saturday? She's not rigid, but what
I'm absorbing is the simplicity and constancy of her routines. It's been really really good for
me to be in her peaceful home and be influenced by her way of being. I like clean sheets.

For me, routine always felt like punishment, like putting my wild independent creative
self in a box, that was for "other people." Now, in this chapter, being around this peaceful
woman's routines, and helping a bit with them...is showing me routine is probably the
biggest gift I could give myself. Like, now it's time for a meal. Now, it's time for bed.
Now, it's time to mow, or weed, or bake. Now, it's time to check on someone who's
struggling.

Self-soothing is an essential skill, particularly for trauma survivors. I think what I did
was take it to an extreme, so it became depression, isolation, addictive TV watching,
retreating, and to a degree, giving up. I wasn't living in the present any more. I was
grieving the past and dreading the future.

My move has forced the present on me, and I've been lucky to land in a real oasis with
a caring person who has a generous heart. I am learning so much from my time here.
I no longer watch much TV (and don't have one in the bedroom). I'm back to books.
I find I love going to bed early. I like getting up early and walking in her leafy neighborhood.
I like thinking of little helpful things to do that express my gratitude. I like easing some
of her load.

Because I'm suspended in limbo (no longer the frightening toxic limbo, but this
time one that's heading for something positive, my new place) -- I'm all simplified.

I have two drawers. One room. A quarter of a closet. My wardrobe is 3 jeans and
half a dozen tops. Two pairs of shoes. One "bankers box" with essential files. All
the rest is in storage and I do not miss it!

Sorry, rambling. I think self-soothing is much harder when one has too much stuff.
Stuff is a drone, a constant whine in the back of the brain. A worry. A stress. A
sense of "I can never keep up."

Hops

I plan to visit the storage unit several times a week and keep pulling out stuff,
taking it to donate...so when the Move-In comes, I'm taking a lot less with me.

gratitude28:
PR - Ihave no idea what normal is, but I know I need to pull away sometimes too. Maybe you are concerned because of how deeply you need to remove yourself. Is it causing you stress to be separated? I don't think it's a bad thing at all. That you have noticed it means you either need to recognize it and move on or change it in some way that makes you feel comfortable.

lighter:
Amber:

As a fairly strong introvert, I identified with a lot of what you wrote.  The distance you feel when you're with other people is familiar to me......  even when I wished I could be closer.  Having to withdraw into a book, or some isolated activity to recover from exposure to a group.  Showing up to  a fancy Christmas party at a friend's' house early, helping set up food, then going all wonky after the second guest arrived, and snuggling into bed to read the rest of the evening, dreading the knocks on my door to ask me to come back down,  knowing I'd no sooner go back down to the party than fly to the moon.  I was very content to read, sleep, and get up early and do the dishes, then enjoy breakfast with my host, one on one, immensely.  One on one encounters are my choice, I don't much enjoy a group,and sometimes can't endure a group.

How are you in relationships where you aren't in a position to be helpful?  I find that I'm not comfortable in relationships where I'm not "needed" or "useful" and it bothers me to notice this.  I think that's one reason I adore parenting so much.... why I still probably do a bit too much for my children, whom I adore.  It's walking meditation to guide, teach, model, and make sure everything's OK for my children.  It's my comfort zone.

I've learned a lot from just sitting, not reacting, and being still with my anxiety.  Choosing not to self sooth in old familiar ways has brought empowerment, improved the way I feel, and made me feel like I have control over my destiny like never before.

I think resisting the urge to engage in old patters has been the key, where I used to fly into action, I don't now.  In fact, I've been off sugar, gluten, and dairy for 6 weeks (SO HARD!) but I've stayed the course, and resist the urge to eat as one of my self soothing patterns, which has improved my mental outlook, and brought lots of energy. 

I'm back in clothes I wore 20 years ago, and that wasn't my goal, but I find it soothing to be in soft clothing I wore in days that were less stressful, and without drama. Yes, I've kept my beloved clothing from 20 years ago, which brings me to Hopsy's post about editing and living more simply.

 I feel better when I pare down, and open up clear sunny space with nothing on or around it.  Why is it so darned hard to do it regularly, and not add back more stuff?
 
Also, I do better when I have a set workout routine, Hops.  It keeps the cadence of laundry, house cleaning and self care more consistent and lends shape to my days.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Hi Beth! No, I'm not particularly worried about this "trait" of mine. Curious... picking at it, like a scab... maybe. I've noticed it for awhile - and when it was at it's worst, it manifested in panic attacks; anxiety binges. I've seen little bits and pieces of it... here and there... and mentioned it... what's different now, is that I think I see the whole thing -- and in the context of it's being a self-defeating or self-sabotaging pattern. I DO want connection and flow with other people... and perhaps, at the root of all this is a malfunction of the mind-body connection, you know? Something that's been around since those early bonding/attachment days as an infant. Perhaps. I'm not totally convinced... because I'm not "like this" all the time, when I'm in my businesswoman hat and functional persona -- I'm sort of the opposite, and quite comfortable there.

What Lighter said - about not being needed - pings off my inner bell. Might be a direct hit, even. When I'm not actively in charge of something... or contributing something "important"... or being funny... or... I slide into that "other me" of just not being relaxed; being another face in the crowd, not paying attention to everyone else... or just daydreaming... taking a "rest" or time out during socializing. Yep, I completely understand the mom-thing, Lighter... me too. Now the kids are 30+... and they can "do it all by themselves"... and are actually revelling in the ability to do for me, all those things I did for them. It's role-shift time for me - letting go time - I don't have to instruct, guide, caution, give mommy-lectures - and when the crowd is other than my kids... at the core, I have that twinge of guilt still, about just enjoying myself, relaxed, happy, and enjoying other people.

:: vigorously shakes head :: 

Whoa. OK. What was I thinking?! LOL... Thanks bunches, Lighter! I have been taking a little extra time to just sit, be still, and tell myself IT'S OK - I don't have to be constantly "doing" and "productive" and "useful" all the time. How AMAZING that you're wearing those clothes again! You've got to share your secret!! My weight seems to have a mind of it's own - and the more I focus on eating well - the more it goes up. It's like I said before about smoking - if I try to tackle something "head-on", confrontational style... with force & determination, the backlash resistance I get from myself... is unbearable. Fortunately, with the heat we're having - I just don't feel like eating much.

Now, if I can hold those two ideas in my head - about how maybe there is a built-in automatic attachment/interpersonal "thing" about how I relate AND the strategy of being noticed, getting attention by over-compensating on the "functional, doing"... and the consequent inevitable disappointment when no one notices "all the little things I do"... sigh... maybe I can just chuck the whole little toxic bundle of crap in the nearest wastebasket... and MOVE ON, finally.

Hopsie, hon! You know, I wanted to reject the idea that I'm an introvert completely. Like it was something "bad"... a character weakness or something. No, really! Me??? Shy???? with my irrepressible mouth??? Hardly. But there is something to it, and you're right - it's connected to the creative impulse. When I was working on my art... there seemed to always be an oscillation between socializing, verbally sparring, or jousting about ideas and asking lots of what if and why not questions and talking myself in circles... to the stage where I pulled up a drawbridge, locked the doors and turned to face the blank paper or canvas and just went at it. Instinct thrown at the flat surface... emotion made visible... and time-outs to step back and "just look"... and let both the analytical brain and the instinctive refine the raw whatever. The "energy" to withdraw and create has always come from what I call "the void" - synonymous with "collective consciousness" - or zen's "no-mind". It's been a very long time since I've been there... and way to it, is simply sitting quietly.

When I go there, people complain about me being "so far away"... or "not there". And because the act of actually going there is such a RELIEF of whatever inner tension is going on in me... it feels so blessed GOOD... I have a hard time dragging myself away and rejoining the normal routines of life around me. And there's that snail-like slime trail of "guilt" again, huh? "Other people" complain... that's the other issue:

those particular "other people" aren't around anymore. And while hubs can definitely make a pest of himself -- when I need to go to the "zone" -- he is one of many (right now) begging, pleading, exhorting, wheedling, and asking "please mom... just go MAKE something". And because of past experience: I did this - and then people (important to me then) reacted badly about it... I'm making the intellectual mistake of assuming that this is always "true" in all circumstances, at all time, with all people.

[Damn this experience; it's so true of my FOO it's horrifying -- they are still stuck in repeating over & over the same old treadmill boring crap; there are no "alternate endings" in their story... it reminds me of a short-story by Ouspensky; can't remember the name... something like Ivan Bogdanovich.... the movie Groundhog day, is connected in a way to that story.]

OK - here's a(nother) leap. This gets me all the way back to what I was thinking about, talking to Beth - attachment. "Other people" - and what they want, need, think... have always been more important than what Amber _____. I have always been expected to "go into other people's shoes"... their world... their experience -------- and except for here, no one's even made the first move to try mine on size. I don't invite people in -- except here. I can't THINK of the last time I felt like someone was sharing my inner world and it was better than OK or safe... or we had our own together... but I know who it was.

Same guy that told me, Honey - a boundary is like fence; fences have gates and they swing both ways.

PHEW...

Hops, it sounds like you've found yourself a really healing, restorative stopover on your way to your new home. Like you're spending a week or several in the Elven realm of Rivendell... or you've been led by the "lady of the lake"... and tended to by her admirers. I know that with the work on the new house - having somewhere else to stay was a necessity... but it seems as though you're also easing the transition of letting go... and moving forward... and finding some important treasures along the way. Like that moment of rest between creative endeavors - a moment to savor the final product... release it... and start on the next one.

I am so glad for you! You truly deserve and need this.


THANK YOU all. Each and every perspective makes sense, is spot on, and helps me a bunch.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page