Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
work vent
Hopalong:
Yup.
Yup and yup yup.
Yup, yup, ummm-hmmmm, yep-pers.
And Erin, you made me laugh. At my gender's expense but thank you.
Lighter I don't know about the energy thing, but do you suppose it has anything to do with me rumbling into useful chugging energy most when I am near those sparkly, twinkly, blinky, flashy Ns? That would be a rhetorical question. I think you're right. I think that I am uber-focused and uber-skillful and uber-alive around Ns (unless they're in active abusive mode, then it's despair) -- because I am so well wired to caretake them. AND, because on some level, I've always found them fascinating.
And PR you're right too. It's been soooo helpful to see over these years how Nboss is Nmom, but also is NOT. That was very well put and it is true. I have been thinking through a process very similar to what you described going through in your job.
Now that the two new young men have come on board, Nboss has begun to notice that THEY notice the dysfunction and toxicity coming from Production Man, and are disturbed by it. So because he can't bear for his OWN image to be sullied in their minds...AND because he's finally beginning to perceive Production Man as a threat to himself, believe it or not...he this week told him his behavior "in meetings" (subtext: toward me) had to change or his job was in jeopardy. I never thought that would happen. He called me for moral support before the meeting (he called all the senior staff) and told me he'd had heart palpitations at the prospect of another meeting with ProdMan. Of course ProdMan can't just take boss' job, but it was beginning to get to Nboss, so he's now doing something about it.
Even more amazing (though I am definitely not expecting real follow through). Nboss listened to me. I told him we could send all the white light we wanted to ProdMan's self to wish him healing for all the things that make him aggressive/destructive...but he ALSO really needs a psychologist. And Nboss who loathes the idea of therapy...asked me for T-names and is going to try to get ProdMan to do some counseling. What cracked me up though (Nbehavior crossed with guru-behavior) was when Nboss said, "And I am going with him to his first appointment so I can tell the therapist what I want.") I persuaded him that, ummm, you can't quite do that, and he'd need to make an initial appt. for himself, and then he could ask if a T he liked would be willing to see his employee if the employee was willing, etc. Who knows if that will go anywhere--I will be very unsurprised if it never happens--but it was a remarkable development.
And in one of those N-validates your experience for a moment--like the moment with my mother when she dropped all pretense and acknowledged my brother having "always hurt me"... This doesn't reach quite that level but Nboss looked at me and actually said, about ProdMan, "I'm sorry, you have been through a lot for the last 5+ years". The difference is, though I was grateful he said that, I didn't NEED him to. A few years back that would have meant everything. Now? Kind of, feh. I had already acknowledged my own experience, and had long since let go of any expectation that he could/would. I actually still enjoy my work (part of the time) and take some satisfaction in it. For non-Cinderella reasons. So the dynamic feels different.
I don't think it will ever be a "healthy workplace" but as I have gotten healthier my experience there is not as traumatic most days. Or when I'm upset I LET myself be upset. I don't feel paralysed. The two young men and I get along very well. But, long term, it'd be a very good idea to get out of there. So yes, PR, my plan is to get into my new home first because that is my focus now. But after that, I will probably be looking...just as a kind of sideline, always checking out other jobs. If I find the right thing I could do for another 10 years elsewhere, great. If not, I'll survive where I am...it'll be up and down and a grind, but I'd survive.
I am not feeling traumatized. What felt good here, especially knowing I had smart caring listeners to "vent at" -- was that when I vented and then went for a healing walk? I did. Good vent, very therapeutic, and likewise, good walk, very healing.
I have loved being able to talk about work stuff here, and I am very grateful to you all for commenting. THAT is very healing too.
love,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote ---Even more amazing (though I am definitely not expecting real follow through). Nboss listened to me. I told him we could send all the white light we wanted to ProdMan's self to wish him healing for all the things that make him aggressive/destructive...but he ALSO really needs a psychologist. And Nboss who loathes the idea of therapy...asked me for T-names and is going to try to get ProdMan to do some counseling. What cracked me up though (Nbehavior crossed with guru-behavior) was when Nboss said, "And I am going with him to his first appointment so I can tell the therapist what I want.") I persuaded him that, ummm, you can't quite do that, and he'd need to make an initial appt. for himself, and then he could ask if a T he liked would be willing to see his employee if the employee was willing, etc. Who knows if that will go anywhere--I will be very unsurprised if it never happens--but it was a remarkable development.
--- End quote ---
Thanks for sharing this, Hops!!!! I laughed out loud in total recognition of the - Nboss "concern" for ProdMan - pattern. He wants to order up a made to order T who will follow his directions... successfully supply the result he wants... and ProdMan will willingly comply. SNL couldn't come up with anything funnier than that, to me!!
Once, I had to tell my Nboss to his face, in a group meeting... "You can't simply tell people what to think... you can't manipulate them into agreeing with you... there is no humanly possible way to coerce people to change a dislike to a like whenever it's convenient for you". Went right over his head and I didn't really understand why all eyes were on me, at the time... until one by one, each person told me later they didn't know how I could come to work every day and deal with that.
I walked too. And there was a very quiet, private garden corner near my campus building... where I could go hide, sit, breathe, or cry.
Redhead Erin:
--- Quote ---Thanks for sharing this, Hops!!!! I laughed out loud in total recognition of the - Nboss "concern" for ProdMan - pattern. He wants to order up a made to order T who will follow his directions... successfully supply the result he wants... and ProdMan will willingly comply. SNL couldn't come up with anything funnier than that, to me!!
--- End quote ---
Um, yeah, good luck with that.....
Hopalong:
I know. It still makes me laugh.
The entitlement of Ns in general is usually better disguised than that, but poor Nboss was so sheltered in the ashram from the real social world that he genuinely doesn't realize how shocking some of his arrogances/assumptions are to "regular folks" when he makes statements like that.
Another favorite was when he ordered employees to post fake reviews about his products and said, "Well if they have ethical issues about it they just have to get over that."
Yikes! But the "ordering therapy at the drive-through window for a passenger who is your prisoner" bit really got me too. (Who knew I could feel such sympathy for Production Man?) :lol:
In a weird way, I truly do. (But from a safer distance.)
Hops
Hopalong:
Two new proposals from Nboss:
1) He goes, do you know what "mirror listening" is? I go, yes--empathic listening, like in NVC, reflecting back what you understand the other person to be saying, etc.--yes, I've been in quite a few settings where we have done this. His idea: he and my colleague who's paid more than I (though I am equal in responsibility) will sit with me for 30 minutes and then with ProdMan for 30 minutes, having us each share with them how the other makes us FEEL. Then they will bring ProdMan and me in together and we'll all talk about it together (meaning, Nboss and Otherguy sum it up for us). He was delighted with his idea, "I think this is really good!" he says--looking at me like, "Don't take away my cupcake."
I said, with the greatest respect, I really need to pause and think about this. And then, you know, I have to say that this sounds like an extremely vulnerable, naked kind of exercise. (He's nodding excitedly.) And although I feel I owe the company honesty and my best performance, I don't think I feel safe engaging in this kind of exercise here in the workplace unless it is guided by an outside professional (meaning, licensed clinical psychologist). His face falls. I say, "It just doesn't feel safe to me." (He always makes a big deal about how everyone needs to feel "safe" -- even while he plays his games w/our heads.) But I say, clearly, "I do not want to do that." So he backs down. (Disappointment reeking.)
2) Day later. He says, "I have a new idea!" This time, it's "I will make ProdMan sit one at a time with each employee, with me there, and each employee can tell ProdMan how he makes them FEEL" and then he can take notes, and go off and have someone outside to talk to about it. (I am still hesitating. He says, well if you don't feel safe doing that then I can have you write it all out, and I'll tell ProdMan--she didn't feel safe enough to do this...like everybody else.) I ask if I can think about it for a while.
The dilemma for me is:
The f-u dynamic that's toxic at the company is because of NBOSS and his interplay with PRODMAN (and next, ProdMan's interplay with--rather, at--me). Nboss would eat razor blades rather than go to a T himself. So he keeps posing as the all-good spiritual mentor who can "lead" these scrapping employees "into the light".
What makes me resist all these encounter-group kinds of things Nboss keeps proposing is not just fear of ProdMan (though I believe he could snap and do me harm, it's unlikely). It's fear of NBOSS. I don't trust him. He's manipulative as hell. He toys with us as though we're chess pieces. He gets OFF on it all. But he's the person who signs my paycheck and I need my job.
So, to keep saying No to him, is risky. I told him, if every other employee here is agreeing to this I will do the process like anyone else. And he said, we'll talk about it again after your trip. (He did consult one outsider pro--a pscyhologist-turned-Rolfer-turned-Avatar/dreamquest/supplement hawker/visionary leader...sound familiar?---whom he already knows. He will do anything to avoid going to meet a straightforward, community therapist with an excellent reputation.)
So my guess is, if he offers ProdMan any sort of "outsider" therapy, it will be something with someone Nboss is still controlling in some way.
Aaaaaaaggggggghhhhh. (I also have the fantasy of actually quietly going along, and when it is my turn, telling the truth: I actually think this process is not about just a dysfunction between you and me, ProdMan, but between Nboss and you, and in a way I feel we're all here because there are dynamics between the two of you that would benefit from counseling, but the employees are being asked to go through yet another "intimacy exercise" and the problem is at the top.
Of course, I'd be clearing out my desk within a month, likely.
Thanks for listening
Hops
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