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The worst thing anybody ever said to me (the eating disorder that will not die)

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sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---I saw the difference after he showed it to me, but I realized I really do have a problem with thinking any flattering outfit, especially one that shows my figure, is automatically slutty.  So hard to know the difference some times.
--- End quote ---

Man, did this sound familiar to me! You know how we say Nmoms gave us mixed messages? Prime example.

It works sorta like this - I'm gonna use parentheses to include the "subtext" - the contradictory message inside the words that gets kids all mixed up and confused... and then that becomes these habits that keep following us, as adults.

There are just some clothes that are cut exactly right to flatter our particular bodies; the color is pleasing; they "feel" good and generate that positive, confident, well-being glow just to be in them. As kids, these are our favorites and we'd wear them all the time if we were allowed.

So: Nm says "Go get dressed and put on something nice". (I want to impress people and you WILL NOT look like a ragamuffin and embarrass me.)

Kid puts on those "magic clothes" and returns. Nm says: "OH NO... you're not going out looking like that! What were you thinking? What's wrong with you?" (How DARE you look so much prettier, happier and healthier than I do??) Nm's green with envy - so automatically "blames/shames" the kid.

When kid is older - and that's a range of ages, really - when she (especially she) is old enough to follow fashion and is experimenting with the idea of how to express herself - with clothes & accessories - to say: I'm like 'everyone else'... but also like me, too, at the same time... kid is old enough to be at the awareness stage of feeling included (group acceptance), feeling autonomous (uniquely you), and is normally quite perceptive and emotionally sensitive to kid group social cues.

Parents who are parenting, recognize this stage and the emotional minefield that it is. Parents need to start letting go, in phases. Kid is starting to push boundaries, too... the "you can't tell me who I am, what to wear, how to look, or what to do" stage. It's a volatile, tricky point in everyone's growth/development - especially, I think for mom's and daughters - NORMALLY.

Nms don't recognize that anything is different about kid - in their mind, the relationship remains the same: Nm is totally in control and D is persona non grata --- EXCEPT as how you reflect Nm back to her and the false image she projects out to the world. The LAST thing Nm wants to admit in this stage of growth in D, is that she is an autonomous individual -- that is actually a threat to Nm's fragile, self-constructed fantasy of total power and control. The healthier the D is, the more control an Nm will exert over her - almost making her a prisoner - because she is envious, jealous of the D and her healthy personality. As a teen with an Nm, it's like a daily dose of evil, critical, bitch... there is no escape, yet we desperately try... like a bird that gets trapped inside the house.

Sometimes, Nms will project their feelings/attitudes about themselves onto the D -- this is the "you're just like me" statements. Like, you're so fat you need to diet just like me. This is one form of control - like brainwashing. When it starts when you are a kid, the beginnings of that tangled mess are buried deep, deep within oneself. We want to follow "the rules", we want to "be good girls", we want mom to love us unconditionally... that is just as normal as breathing. So we do what Mom asks/tells/insists we do to get in her good graces. Then, when we do succeed (lord knows we're motivated enough!) - all it does is contrast so clearly with Nm's lack of success... she feels entitled to be selfish, jealous and mean... (Your success makes me feel bad - it's all your fault.)...
that she just dumps all those negative feelings on to kid.

Kid is appropriately confused as hell. This over here is "good" - you did this; and now it's "bad". And on top of that, you MADE Nm feel bad about herself too... but you weren't trying to... you were doing what she said to do...

... and kid thinks: I can't do anything right. Screw it. It's not worth trying anymore. There's something wrong with me that I can't MAKE Nm happy with me... there's something wrong with ME, that Nm doesn't love me the way I am.

With me so far? OK... now lets say Nm has conflicting feelings about her own sexuality. Maybe she blames/hates men... they're only after one thing, you know... they have no real "feelings"... maybe she's completely at odds with how she looks, how she feels about how she looks, is totally jealous and paranoid about all other women... and this whole ball of yuck is threatening to overwhelm and destroy her fantasy of being the "most beautiful of them all", the most powerful of them all...

in her so-called relationship with a D, she pushes, insinuates, i.e. projects those feelings onto D as well -- which temporarily puts the "problem" she's dealing with... outside of herself. "You're like me, when I was your age. You're just like me." When she's watching you go through the same thing - that is unresolved for her - she is using you to try to solve or reconcile her own inner conflict (she's not accepting responsibility for her own feelings - that "you make me feel... statement" gets slightly adjusted to the "judging/criticism" channel: why do you dress so sexy? you look like a tramp! If you dress like that, don't be surprised when men get the wrong idea. I suspect - at least for me - this is how my inner critic got so strong and out of control.

I KNOW, from my own similar experience with my mom... that my distorted perception of myself was directly due to not being able to tell my own real feelings apart from all the stuff my mom projected into/onto/around me. It was terrifying what she did. At a sanity/primal level... and I learned to cope, as a kid... by completely hiding my "self"... even trying to hide it from my own mind -- so I wouldn't unconsciously telegraph something that would bring down the "dragon lady" on the last shred of self-respect which I clung to with my psychological fingernails. Very few other things in life were as terrifying as that experience.

So - the "work" of repair to the self - can be done with journals. Separating, remembering, "hearing" the voices in one's mind... of you, yourself, Erin... and untangling that from Nm's projection, jealousy, and control-issues. Writing down all those times, that one remembers... you start to hear your own self - loud and clear. Boy, is she pissed!!   ;)   She can/will work through that and eventually let it go. She will learn to let go of Nm's ideas about her - to actually return them; give them back to where they came from (an emotional, NO THANK YOU) - and a very large weight will be lifted from her. Sometimes, that translates via the mind-body connection physically, too.

Something else that helps -- is to counter the messages that Nm stuck in your head with what other think. To take a poll, so to speak. Of people you trust, and maybe even total strangers. When everything is tallied up, you'll find out that Nm is the ONLY one who thinks/thought those things about you. Other people have completely different perceptions of you... and she can't be the expert/authority on YOU - because a.) she lives in a bubble that only consists of her and b.) she doesn't even SEE you - who you really are - most likely. [Yeah, that's a tough one to swallow; but it explains SOOO much.]

So it's your perception of you... versus Nms perception of you. The fight of the century! But it's all within your own thoughts and feelings about yourself. It's not like she's constantly "at you" now... her work is all done -- she's succeeded at making you as miserable as she is. She's off and about spreading the "joy" elsewhere now. That is a huge advantage to you, you know.

While she's not reinforcing the old feelings and messages and projections -- you can purge all the crap that's "not you - it's Nm" from your perception of yourself. Peel it off, throw it out, save it in a box, bag or book -- and give it back to her metaphorically.

It doesn't belong to you. You don't deserve it. You didn't "earn" it. It's NOT YOURS. Return to sender.

Overcomer:
Erin.  I haven't been to the board for a long time.  When I logged in your thread immediately caught my eye.  Oh my!!  Did it resonate with me.

As a youngster my mom would call me "Fat Fat."  Now she is constantly reminding me and my daughters how she stays skinny.  However, her bird like eating does nothing for the constant constipation she has.  We have all told her to make sure she eats fiber so she will go.  She does not listen.

Unfortunately, those brain patterns are hard wired into our brains.  It is so hard to rewire the brain washing we endured.

Hopalong:
You know those amazing retractable cords that are in most new vaccuum cleaners?

Sometimes I think Nmothers have uber-secret-engineered NASA-type (no offense, Mars, hello) umbilical cords, which when everybody else just thinks...ahh, now that's severed so we move on to the separate human being part, and maybe they hide them under their hospital gowns, or have a subdural spring-loaded coil housing for them that's invisible on medical exams, so when the baby (especially the baby-daughter) gets home, it turns out she's still plugged into Mama, and Mama comes soooooo close, and that's all good while one is concentrating on getting through infancy, but then the self, rather the Self, is supposed to start straining the leash, but NMom's invisible-retractable umbilical is soooooooooooooooo sophisticated that even when little Self is alone in its room or reading a book, one punch (of Nmom's trigger finger) on the button under her rib, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzhhhhhhhhooooom, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiipppppppppp, here comes little daughter, flopping and strangling, but absolutely, completely unable

NOT
TO
HEEL

(I believe I morphed this metaphor from umbilical cord into retractable dog leash, but if the leash fits....)

Aaarrrggghh.

Woof.

Hops

Ales2:
Hi All - Very interesting thread. A suggested reading is the chapter on food in THE MOTHER FACTOR by Stephen Poulter. You can probably access it online at Amazon or check a library. His observations about the reasoning behind Nmothers obsessions with food and weight is explained.

Hello and hope all is well here with everyone.

sKePTiKal:
Hops, leashes wear out... break... from overuse.

I had to recover from laughing on the floor before I could even type - that is absolutely a great image!

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