Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Send light please
Twoapenny:
Lighter, I'm so sorry to hear that. You are strong. You are a good person and, most importantly, you know you are right. It's okay to be scared/anxious/overwhelmed/struggling to cope. These sorts of situations do that to us, it's inevitable in some ways, but it will finish and, hopefully, there will be some closure. We are all thinking of you! Sending light and love your way, and good, strong, fighting thoughts. Hang in there. Be good to yourself. Keep us posted.
Lots of love xxx
lighter:
Tupp:
I'm feeling pretty strong today. I have a sense that things are looking up, and all the frantic, neck breaking work will pay off, provided we can get it into THIS trial. I really had hoped this would be the one that exposes the PD's for what they are, and what they've done/are doing. It's a very insidious thing to have PD's harming you, while posing as victims themselves. Terrible when they're accusing you of doing what they're doing to you, and getting away with it.
I know I've had a very difficult time explaining what I'm going through so I can be heard and understood. One of the most painful realities has been the reality of advocating for self = punishment and dismissal, often and dependably.
There's a trick to being heard, and I'm learning a lot about that right now. Interestingly enough, it's about how we view personal attacks against us, and typically the very core of our beings. It's about choosing to view them as opportunities to educate, rather than attacks.
I'm hangingin there, and I appreciate all the light and support you're sending: )
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Hey Hon -
here's a technique that's served me well, over time.... with that tactic you described: projecting out the behavior they're indulging in - onto you:
first, ya gotta know exactly what it is you WANT/NEED - put that into positive words - this is your mantra
then, no matter how much these people get under your skin - no matter how afraid you are that people will believe them, and not YOU - you stick to that positive script from the first step. (Later on - you are free to address your natural emotional response to this crap. Timing.)
Learn to bite your tongue without bleeding - what this accusatory tactic is designed to do is outrage you, get you on the defensive so that they can (unfairly again) paint you as the problem. Let them lay out all their lies, innuendos, rediculous claims of mind-reading and knowing you better than you know yourself. Be calm - your turn is coming THIS TIME. If you are engaged in a power struggle over who will be believed; who is lying -- your brain won't be able to think clearly. You need your brain and it will do just fine, if you can postpone paying attention to your natural survival response during the hearing.
Then, without addressing or responding to all those malicious claims - simply read, if necessary, or repeat your positive statement about the situation, that defines the conflict in YOUR TERMS and what your goal is. The only time you allow yourself to make a response to "them" - is if the judge/mediator/third party asks you directly about the truth of the claim, facts, etc. AGAIN: explain as positively as you can the situation without being defensive.
You do not want to get drawn into the little kid tactic they're using: she hit me first!! NO - you hit me first!!! The absolute BEST outcome in the world, is if the facts can be dealt with, discussed, verified and explained -- without any emotional drama whatsoever. That takes the melodrama out of their accusations, reveals them for what they are.
Be prepared, tho - you may be asked how you feel about those accusations: that's when you need that observing ego to choose the words and not the inner child or feral cat! LOL... You're not being asked to enter into your feelings only describe them.
As far as venting and responding to calumny? You just come right back here and get it off your chest! No need to carry a load of crap around - the process itself, is difficult enough.
lighter:
((((Amber))))
Thank you,
Light
Hopalong:
I really liked and agreed with how your paragraph that started this way concluded:
--- Quote ---There's a trick to being heard,
--- End quote ---
But since I'm just microscopic on language sometimes, thought I'd say this also popped up in me.
No tricks.
The thing to focus on is NOT how others will hear you. It's to focus just on how/what you speak.
See what I mean? "How you will be heard" is really, truly, out of your control. No positioning, facial expressions, vocal intonations, physical postures or gestures, or any attempts at "tricking" the listener into hearing you "the way you want to be heard" will succeed.
What WILL succeed (and I know it will!) is:
You focusing on the honesty, simplicity, directness, and clarity of your own speech, and story.
(Your organization and narrative and documentation are all a foundation of that, and invaluable.) But you do not need to suggest, plant little ideas, suggest nuances, in listeners' minds. Assume: They are intelligent. They can hear.
But just be aware, that you might have a tendency in your thinking about this upcoming trial, that without meaning to intentionally, you are thinking in some way...of manipulating: iow, "How do I 'trick' these people/this judge into "hearing what I want them to hear"?'
My advice, though my courtroom experience with my brother was infinitesimal by comparison, is that to be calm in my truth (not pretending to not have any feelings, but just having the inner moral calm of knowing I am being TRUTHFUL and that I am a GOOD PERSON) ... and state facts (not maneuver interpretations of others) -- was my task.
That was it.
Past that, I truly had to "release the outcome." I can't imagine anything harder, Lighter, than releasing this particular outcome you're being challenged on.
But still, I think speaking truth to power, as the Quakers would say (the judge being "the power") is the only thing you need to do.
No tricks to being heard. Only the NON-trick, of speaking truthfully. And even...simply.
love to you,
Hops
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