Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Knew this would happen. Really need advice...
KayZee:
(((((P.R.)))))
Thank you. Your post made me cry....
I know exactly what you mean. I'm so grateful to be able to experience a normal mother-child bond from at least the "mommy" side. It's incredibly healing. Not in the way of my NM, mind you, who had kids so they would love and attend to her as though she was the infant! But rather, knowing the way I feel about my own kids--knowing how much I want to cuddle and protect them and yet how amazing it feels to watch them take tiny steps towards self-growth and independence--it makes me realize just how deeply, profoundly, chemically effed-up my NM was/is. I guess, in becoming a mom, I see now that the way she treated me and the fact she couldn't love me wasn't my fault. I see just how vulnerable and dependent I was in the way my kids are so vulnerable and dependent. I look at them, and I just can't imagine how anyone could do or say half the things NM did to a child who was so small, emotional, eager to learn and connect.
--- Quote --- Save any decision-making till then - or even after. Just tune everything else out, let someone else handle it, your task is to take care of yourself & the little cherub. Mom can take care of herself - that's certainly not your job. Don't give it a single thought. That stuff isn't going anywhere -- but life allows you a good long "time out" from even thinking about it. It absolutely does NOT matter what anyone else thinks about this. Period. End of discussion. It's your perogative. And it's necessary, too - for the cherub and brothers & sisters.
--- End quote ---
I don't quite know how to thank you for this. It's like the doctor's note I'm not strong enough to give myself yet. I guess I still have so much guilt and shame, I'm too eager to provide a million excuses and reasons against doing the things I badly want to do. It's really nice to hear someone say, "It's okay. Take your time-out, trust your gut."
Thank you from the bottom of my heart,
Kay x
sKePTiKal:
Aw Kay... one thing you need to know about me is that I'll battle against the forces of evil for other people, just as I would battle to save myself. Must've read too much classical lit or something. You're welcome... to any of the tools I've got, in carrying on the battle yourself.
(and Hops: if I ever get around to writing a book, you'll be my editor, right?? :D Yes, thank you for fixing the words and seeing the meaning. I can't believe I let that one slip about her mom having some understanding - even if it was only social norms or intellectual - about the need for space. DUH, Amber... ::smacks forehead:: )
Twoapenny:
Hi Kay,
Definitely focus on you and yours. I often find it helps to ask myself what I'd tell my son to do in that situation in the future - if someone was lying about him, disrespecting his boundaries, making him feel guilty about things that weren't his fault, would I tell him to keep hanging out with them? You can guess the answer to that one.
Slowly, slowly, slowly I've worked my family out of my life. They aren't part of it any more, their tentacles still reach out but the can't grasp me. I've rebuilt it on my rules. My home is messy, grubby, none of the furniture matches, there's a defunct dishwasher in the hall that's been there for months waiting for me to organise a refuse collection for it, if friends come round and the house is clean they always assume we must be moving out. But it's full of love. My son plays with his toys for as long as he wants, we paint things, make things, there are books everywhere, little pots with seeds he has planted, piles of wood in the corner to make things out of, bulbs to plant for spring. He goes to bed happy every night, with a kiss and a cuddle. He's not aware of it, but he's completely safe in his own bed, no-one will be going in his room in the night and stealing his childhood away from him. Focus on you and your babies (and your hubby!). They're your family and the more you focus on them, the more your mum and dad, your sister and anyone else who doesn't really know or value you as you are, will fade away and become less and less important over time. When your kids are older and they look back on their childhood they'll have such good memories of you and the time they spent with you. That's a really lovely thing to give them xxx
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[*] Previous page
Go to full version