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Knew this would happen. Really need advice...

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KayZee:
So I've been trying to work up the strength and coherence to write this...The whole thing just makes me feel so trapped and exhausted...

I've been trying to keep NM at bay for the past couple of months. Every week or so she'd tell me (not ask, mind you, and usually with one day's notice) that she was going to come visit.  And I kept responding, "No. No. No. It's not a good time.  DH and I are under really stressful deadlines.  I'll let you know when we're free to meet up.  We for sure can't do it until late October.  And even then, we will meet you halfway between our house and yours (about 1.5 hrs drive for both of us)."  She'd then sulk or gossip about me to other family, saying I refused to let her see her grand kids even though I hadn't said 'no,' I'd simply said 'not now' because we are over-burdened with work and overtired with the kids' schedule.

Blah blah blah, she pulls the same thing with Skype, texting me to say, "Skype with me right now!"  And I had to say, "Sorry.  We can't now.  We have friends visiting for the weekend.  But we can Skype you later in the week."  I text her later in the week to see if she is free to Skype and she totally ignores me.  The trend being: if NM can't have what she wants the minute she wants it, she grows angry and dismissive.  It is insane to think a family of four people (with a baby on the way) can drop everything for you at a moment's notice.

SO HERE'S THE REAL ISSUE: NM crashed in on DH and I yesterday.  Drove over three hours to our house and arrived totally unannounced, ruining our plans for the afternoon.  I knew she was going to do this eventually.  I've been sensing it for months.  And I thought I was prepared; I always imagined I would go outside and ask her to leave. 

But in the moment, I couldn't. I just froze, shut down I was so shocked and let NM and Enabling D inside. There was also this issue: I felt like it was a horrible head game, a set-up.  Like I couldn't ask them to leave because if I did I would look like I was the selfish, over-reactive, hateful one.  Because it was all just "so innocent" and "loving."  And who turns away "sweet old grandparents" who just want to "see their grandkids" and coming bearing a truckload of Trojan Horse presents?  NM did not even acknowledge that she had turned up unannounced after explicitly being told it was not a good time.

When NM showed up, I felt this message: I OWN YOU. I WILL DO WHATEVER I PLEASE AND TROUNCE ON WHATEVER BOUNDARIES YOU PUT UP.  YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME. And even worse, I felt the deviousness of it all.  The gas lighting bit: IF YOU SAY NO TO ME, I WILL MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY. I WILL TURN EVERYONE AGAINST YOU.

If I wasn't pregnant, and if I didn't have two small children I love more than life itself, I swear I would have done something terribly self-harm-y after NM left. I felt filled with despair and self-hatred.  I really wanted, for the first time in years, to drink myself into a black out or slice up my arms.  I felt like NM dumped all this hatred and darkness on my door, but at the same time, it was all disguised in this "who-me? I'm-just-a-thoughtful-grandparent" act.  It was gaslighting on steroids.  And it worked.  It made me feel utterly insane and self-loathing.

To make matters worse, DH and I got into a horrible fight after they left.  This always happens when we see my parents.  But I was so upset.  I think, because I felt so gaslighted and mixed up, I wanted/needed to hear someone else confirm that what NM did was messed-up, a perverse power play.  (I had been on the phone before that with an uncle NM had got to and told all sorts of lies about how I won't let her see the grandkids but "let my in-laws drop in (FROM F-ING BRITAIN) at a moment's notice (IMPOSSIBLE!)." 

Anyway, DH told me the worst thing: That he talks about my mother with me every freaking day and he's sick of it.  And that I make every small thing she does into something sinister.  Well that just about made me lose my mind.  NM has turned everyone in my FOO against me already.  And the thought that I have to stuff my feelings with my husband when I already feel so family-less and alone...it was too much.  He's since said he was just tired, the weird unexpected visit was too exhausting...He wants me to know I can talk to him about anything.  But it still hurts.  Still makes me feel like NM can even play and manipulate him, come between us.

The thing I really need advice with is this...  I feel I need to put a calm warning in writing to both parents (that my NM can't lie or exaggerate anything to my father).  I'm thinking I need to say something like, "Thanks for the gifts. It was good to see you? (Even though it wasn't.)  But in the future, DH and I can't do any surprised or unannounced visits." And maybe also something like, "If you turn up here uninvited, we will have to turn you away?"  Does anyone have any advice about how to word this stuff?  Have any of you written a letter like this before? 

I got four hours of sleep last night because I was so upset, angry and stressed out.  Who does this to someone who is third-trimester pregnant?  I feel like I'm treading water as it is--trying to finish a big project, be the sole breadwinner and running around after two toddlers--but I feel like NM is constantly trying to sink me.  I don't have the time or energy for her head games.  I feel totally powerless.  And pretty alone.

thanks for reading,
Kay x

BonesMS:
(((((((((((((((Kay-Zee)))))))))))))))))))))

I tend to become blunt and rude whenever anyone FORCES an UNINVITED visit on me!  I don't know how to word something "diplomatically" to a !@#$ who REFUSED to HEAR me after I had already said NO! 

Bones

Twoapenny:
Hi Kay.  I tried to write a reply last night but I'd had a couple of glasses of wine and I couldn't get my words out :)

Firstly, I wanted to say that you are not on your own, however much it feels like it at times.  Remember that when things get tough xx

Secondly, I think your mum will bad mouth you whatever the situation, whatever you do.  My feeling is, if I'm going to get bad mouthed I'd rather get bad mouthed for doing something that is healthy for me than bad mouthed for anything (everything) else.  It takes courage, and it isn't nice to know you are being slagged off, but boundaries are there for you, not for anyone else and anyone who doesn't respect them doesn't deserve time/space/energy from you.  It's easier said than done (and I still have trouble with boundaries) but you are doing this for the right reason and is does get easier with practise.

I think writing a letter is a good idea but.......................be prepared for them to ignore it!  Perhaps look at it from your own perspective, make writing the letter about what you feel is right rather than what you hope their response will be.  So, being the normal person that you are, you want to put your cards on the table calmly and let everyone know what the situation is.  I think that can help (you) and I think the wording you've suggested is pretty much spot on.  I'd be inclined to think that she won't respect what you want though, so plan B will be turning them away if/when they turn up again.

You can go for the down key approach (oh!  We're just on our way out.  You should have called, what a wasted journey for you, bye!) as you bundle everyone into the car and vanish.  It's slightly easier than outright confrontation but has the disadvantage that you still disrupt all your plans and they might be there when you get back, or decide to stay nearby and turn up again in the morning.

You can, as Bonesie suggests, be really rude :)  I've really let rip at my mum before and I know others have.  It gave me a release that I still can't quite put into words but............you have your kiddies and if they're there you might not want to do that in front of them.

So your third option would be next time to say "Hi.  I've already said it's not okay to turn up unannounced.  It isn't convenient.  You need to go home."  or however it feels best for you to word it.  And then go in and shut the door and just carry on like they aren't there.

It is incredibly hard, Kay, any you'll probably feel guilty and like the worst person in the world for doing it but, to be honest, if they're daft enough to do a three hour drive on the off chance that you're going to be home and available then that's down to them.  I don't think there is a nice, easy way to distance yourself from difficult family, there are mind games, emotional manipulation issues and that horrible tug between wanting a family and not wanting the one you have!

And I do understand the way you feel about your hubby saying he's fed up with it all, I've been on both sides of the fence and it's so tough for everyone involved.  Is he in your camp on this one?  Does he want to stop them coming over like this as well?  Perhaps the two of you, on the lawn together saying the same thing next time she comes over might help?  Some people find a time limit to talking about it helps - ten minutes a day and then you get on with something else?  Boundaries again - don't let her keep taking up your time, your head space, your relationship with your hubby, your lovely babies.  It's hard, you have to kind of re-train your brain and that's a lot of work but it does get easier.

I hope that's not all come out as gibberish.  It's early and I haven't had any coffee yet :)

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kay)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

BonesMS:
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kay-Zee))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It's hard as hell dealing with an NMomster, or any N for that matter, who simply REFUSE to RESPECT boundaries!   :P

I think I've shared a similar experience on another thread about an N who INSISTED on showing up on my doorstep, UNINVITED and UNANNOUNCED because, in her own little mind, she was DELUSIONAL about OWNING me!  (This was someone I had known for over 40 years until I terminated all contact with her.)

If the children are not around when the NQueenC!@#$ turns up unannounced and uninvited again, if I were in your shoes I would probably react with the following:

"What part of the word 'NO' do you NOT understand?!?!?!  F**K OFF!!!!"

I also got bad-mouthed no matter how hard I tried.  It was damned if I did, damned if I didn't, and, as in Tupp's words, I got slagged off no matter what.  If they choose to believe that you are nothing but a pile of dog !@#$, in their own small-minded opinions, then those kinds of dimwits don't need to be in your life.  Reminds me of a saying I've seen from time to time......

Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

Bones

lighter:
Kay:

I remember being very sensitive and highly aware when I was pregnant...... and it didn't help I was being gaslighted and lied to..... made to doubt my reality, and made to feel guilty for speaking up about how I felt.

It's a terrible hard place to live, IME.

I also remember feeling like drinking myself into a black out stupor to escape the truth of my situation when it became apparent, and I couldn't deny it any longer.  (I didn't, but I recall the moment I told my h his behavior made me WANT to do that.)

There are no good answers.

There are no win/win situations.

Every choice you'll make will have consequences that effect everyone around you (likely) negatively. 

That's the reality, and I think you really care about the people around youm, and about how they perceive you, so it's harder still.

It's difficult to put together a logical game plan when you've been driven to distraction, doubted and made to feel bad for naming your reality.

THE NERVE! 

I have to say, your idea of writing a calm, loving letter to your parents laying out boundaries along with gratitude for the gifts sounded like a very good plan to me.

If you can manage to parcel that into a long term plan of enforcing those boundaries calmly, with grace, and positive (outward) emotions, I believe you'll find a better response from your husband and other family members. They really don't see what you're going through.  They don't understand.

It's my hope that your calm will bring out your mother's true character for all to see, and gain even more support for the boundaries you set.  Your mother gains support when her behavior makes you look like the unstable, bitter one.

It's not wrong to have and set boundaries..... it's logical and healthy.  Don't let yourself get baited into defending them, or your right to have them.  Remain calm, sure sure sure about your rights, and it always helps me to write down all the hard feelings, and read them.  Write some more then read and write again and again until I've internalized it all down to it's essence, and can discuss anything calmly without being triggered, thrown off my stride, respond with anger or shut down in hurt and confusion.

It will help you stay focused on your goals, and pay less attention to the pokes and prods your mother delivers.  Focus on what you'll do, not on what she's done perhaps?

Good luck, I'm sorry you're going through this, esp with all those pregnancy hormones coursing through you.

Lighter

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