The X (fact)

[debkor]

Four years ago my X tried to contact my S for his 21st birthday.  My S didn't want anything to do with him (from inner creeper's) and a letter that was filled with manipulations and kind of insane.  He never tried to contact my daughter.

Since then my S has been in contact with extended family but not his father.  They meet and understand (father is not to be there).  In some of the meetings a cousin (male) told my S to man up and meet his father.  It turned into a bit of a pow wow but my S stood his ground. 

One day my S called and I know when he is distressed.   His father is in full contact (with his family) and they all think he is a Great, Great, Great, All around, Great Guy!!

The younger ones (my S and his Cousins) meet in a pub WHERE his father frequents often....And everyone in the place wants to meet the Kid that is UTs son (my son).
UT is Uncle T because he won't allow them to call him uncle (it makes him old).  And he's a Great, Great, Great.....Guy.

I didn't pretty much anything.  I know he was in Great distress.  Torn and hurt.

Two days later ...he called me with a bad case of shingles.

And he was crying.

And then I talked.

He was told that his father couldn't contact them.  He didn't know where they were.

I said...He did.  I had no court order of keep away. So why didn't he try?

I'll tell you why.

I would have collected every last time of child support he owed you (enforced it) and Still Kept (him away).

The reason why he didn't and contacted you at 21 is because he knew I would.

They said that you don't know the whole story about (his criminal actions).   That he was not the only one involved (he wouldn't rat the other's).

I said....There are two people that know the truth.  It is him and I and he is lying.

He is still in the bars and everyone likes him.  They did 20 something years ago too and he was doing the same thing.
He is a master of manipulation.
He is a liar.
He is dangerous and sneaky.

You are an adult.  You can handle whatever you need to handle.  You are equipped and have the knowledge.  You have truth.

Maybe people change but I think (if a change)  it's only criminal.  He still is a very Sick Guy.

He calmed down and choose to not meet his father.

That conversation was in Spring.

My D is in low contact through fb with aunt's, uncle's, cousins (of her dads side).  My X lives with his sister and she has adopted her niece (due to death of both parent's).
She's about 18 now.  I don't have the niece on my fb. 

My D said she posted about her (uncle) my X and my children's father)....He's a bum.  He lives off everyone.  He doesn't work.   He takes people things....And he is a pervert.  She said someone questioned her about him being a pervert in a comment.  The niece said to ask (another one of her friends).

Then the (niece) removed the post.  Someone probably told her to take it down.....

And I know....I know.........KNOW, KNOW, KNOW.......that creepy ...SOB is Still ...CREEPY SOB.

I'M AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO  GLAD.......my children weren't around him.

And just don't get how they think .....He's Great, Great, Great!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope....the young girls are just fine tuned (with the inner creeper's) and nothing happened to them...

God I want to throw up.

And WISH for my Children to NEVER want to MEET HIM  (EVER).


Deb



 

[KayZee]

((((Deb))))

I'm so sorry for the pain and stress X has caused you.  As a mom, it hurts more than anything to see your babies hurt.  Especially by someone who acts so selfishly and shows such disregard for their feelings.  Stay strong...

lots of love, Kay x

[lighter]

Deb:

I'm very familiar with the terrible position you're in with your IL's, and I'm so sorry this is happening. 

They have contact with your children, and you can't protect them, or be there to explain the polorized statements that cause so much confusion and chaos.  The IL's erroneous statements don't add up, but it's difficult for our children to keep focus of such difficult truths.....

that their fathers weren't there for them, and that the paternal side of the family is misrepresenting the truth for their own personal reasons.

It does sound like your kiddos are very smart about this, even though it's painful for them to go through..... you've done a good job, Mom.

My children know what's what, but they're completely blindsided by out and out name calling and statements that are untrue and hurtful about me.  I'm trying to make sure the IL's don't have my children alone, behind closed doors any more where they can poison them at will.  My children are still pretty young, and I'd prefer to save the harder truths for 5 years down the road, if possible as I never wanted my children to connect the terrible PD behaviors of their father/paternal side of the family to my children's sense of worthiness. 

Their father didn't behave like a loving father, bc he wasn't a loving father, but I'd prefer to say he was "sick" and leave it at that for a while longer.  Till after puberty, in fact, but my IL's are forcing my hand.

If you don't mind my asking, what do you feel you did spot on right with your children after your h went to prison, and what would you have done differently in regard to sharing information and explaining things to your children?   What would you change about those conversations, if anything? 

I'm so sorry your children are hurting, and that it's difficult to shelter them from pain.

(((Deb and children))

Lighter

[debkor]

Hi Light,

If you don't mind my asking, what do you feel you did spot on right with your children after your h went to prison, and what would you have done differently in regard to sharing information and explaining things to your children?   What would you change about those conversations, if anything? 

I spoke truth (age appropriate).  I shared information very young of why he went away. What he did.  That he was sick.  I shared that they could not have contact with their dad until they were older (because of his sickness).  I made sure they knew (he wanted contact).  In reality (it was because he was in prison) and everyone else kicked him to the curb.  The contact would be so unhealthy, inappropriate, insane, threats.  Didn't tell them that just told them they had to trust me. 

The conversations were all about, forgive him.  I don't want you to carry hate in your heart.  He cared as much as he could/even if it was not much.  He is sick.

And 20 something years later ..I hear new things.  And 20 years later...He's just as sick and dangerous.

But ..There is nothing I would have changed.

Oh, and  ...I never went into details (about the abuse).  They didn't need to know every detail.  They did need to know about abuse.

Now wait...There is a change.  They are adult's and can make their own decisions if they want to see their dad.  My S only would meet the IL's. 

He can handle it.  They can handle it. 

And I have to handle it....
Although I would like to punch someone right in the face sometimes.

KayZee,
Thank you.   I stand strong.  Just hate to see my (one adult child) cry.  It was healthy for him to do though.  Before the tears was so much anger.  After he seemed at peace.    My daughter has not met anyone yet. 

Deb

[Twoapenny]

Oh Deb.  You sound like you handled a really horrible situation really well.  Protecting kids from their own family is a difficult thing to do.  It's hard to know what to tell them, how much to tell them, how much they can handle.  It's horrible seeing them cry, even as adults.  But they both sound as if they're handling it well, and that has to be down to you and how you dealt with it.  Tough on all of you, but the right thing to do. Hugs xx

[sKePTiKal]

Deb - if it's worth anything, I think you did exactly the right thing.  It will be OK Deb; you did good...

now, you have to trust your kids to do good by themselves, too.

[lighter]

Deb:

The way you handled your situation sounds....... right. 

At present my children and I are seeing a new T, and we like her very much.

Navigating our current situation is easier with the help of someone who can guide, and say things that need to be said, but not by me.

Lighter