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When will I ever learn?????!!!!!!!!

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Ales2:
 Okay, just a short post. I was doing so well for a couple of months and last week I actually thought that I was over all the anger and blame issues associated with my NM (even thought I kept burdening a walking friend with my stories that she stopped walking with me). My NM went to my T over the summer. NM also came to visit me twice. We had been NC for so long but were talking alittle.  Last visit was wednesday nite last week. It was an OK visit because we did not talk about issues i.e didnt get into it.

On saturday night I called her to ask a simple question and it escalated into a full blown fight. Nasty fight. She wanted to say she was sorry, and she did and I asked "sorry for what"  and she couldn't answer. She is notorious for the insincere apology to end a fight which means nothing is learned.  I got off the phone initially feeling empowered because even in anger I had asserted myself which felt good. I couldn't sleep all night and tossed turned because I felt like I had failed because I had been on this kind of forgiveness program, which was giving me hope that I could end my anger problem and move on. To hear the nasty fight meant my anger was still tehre. That made me feel bad.  Today we had a moderately decent conversation but it kept me wondering if I had been wrong all along. It stirred me up.

Anyway, later in the day, I had another bad conversation with her and we are back to blows again. 

Right now the problem is that I am drawing some money from a trust. She could have set it up so the money was mine with a boundary or a limit but instead doles out a fixed amount each month by giving me a check. she does it this way because she doesnt respect me enough as an adult to have jut inherited some money from my Dad and wants to control me.   If it were not for this, I would simply change my number and addresss and move on with my life.

The lesson I learned quite frankly is that I need to be on my own completely and be NC completely. There is nothing here that can be fixed, I can only accept what is and move on and create something new for myself.

Its dumb to have to repeat that to myself, but that seems to be the lesson I cant seem to learn.

sKePTiKal:
One possible tip that might assist you, Ales.

I take it your mom is the trustee on that account. You may be able to work through a lawyer - someone to negotiate for you, instead of you having to get in the trenches. If your mom is NOT the trustee - even better - you'll have two rational, unemotionally involved parties trying to work out a mutually agreeable compromise.

It's never a good situation when money and emotional freedom are all mixed up, together.

Ales2:
Hi Phoenix,

Thanks so much for your supportive post and suggestion. I have thought about going the lawyer route and your advice is excellent (thank you!), but I wish it were a financial issue - its not - its a psychological one. I have no hope the psych issues can be fixed, so no reasonable financial progress can be made. Best thing for me is an economic turnaround and eliminating the need for the funds. An investment in my business would help, but unfortunately, she would allocate money for education (which serves no purpose in the direction I am going) but not for the risk associated with small business investment, so my hands are somewhat tied. I can only look for a job working for someone else rather than produce my own products.  Its just foolish. 

But again, thanks for your help and advice.

KayZee:
(((((Ales)))))

Don't beat yourself up for being angry.  I think anger's a normal, healthy, human thing...and god knows, Ns know all the right buttons to push.  It is good and healthy that you can recognize your emotions (including anger), feel them and work through them, recognizing that they won't last forever.  That is what your NM can't do; and that's what distinguishes your self-awareness and emotional healthiness from NM's repression, projection and goddamn N-sanity.

P.R. seems to have very good advice there about the lawyer!  Explore your legal options!

sending you lots of love and support,
Kay x

sKePTiKal:
Slight clarification Ales:

The lawyer is meant to simply do the talking FOR you - to go face to face with NM, do the negotiating - so you don't have to.
The point of this being, that you don't get triggered into those old patterns... NM can't play head-games with the lawyer or push her/his buttons -- because she doesn't know the person. This is lawyer as advocate, and that's all. But it doesn't have to be a lawyer -- is there anyone involved with the trust, bank, CPA or anyone else you could trust to speak for you?

I've had to do this a couple times, when my bro was stuck in hearing something I wasn't saying... and also wasn't hearing what I WAS saying. It was suggested by one of my advisors - because I was getting so upset trying to do it myself. I really needed that distance from the situation... to stay "sane" so that I wasn't escalating the situation from bad to worse. It did work, too.

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