Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Not sure what to put for a title!
Twoapenny:
Hi all,
I wasn't really sure what to call this, I'm just a bit miffed and needed to vent :)
Christmas is coming. A difficult time of year for so many. Fortunately, for us, life is better these days so I no longer dread Christmas the way I used to, but it still rings a few bells and I'm very mindful of others who are not so fortunate.
I have an older step-brother, who has learning difficulties. His mum passed away about eighteen months ago and I have tried to help him out where I can. He is lonely, and people take advantage of him. He is quite difficult company at times, he can be very negative (family trait!) and it's very difficult to get him to see things in a different way, or try something new. He lacks confidence and, as my son is disabled, I find I am quite drained when it comes to dealing with other people, but I feel sorry for him so I see him when I can and try and help him out if possible.
I have been invited to a friend's for Christmas dinner, which I am really excited about. I was worried that step-brother would be on his own, though, so I've offered to cook him a Christmas lunch before I go to my friends and then invite him for the evening if he doesn't have anywhere else he'd rather be.
This is where it gets complicated! My nephew is currently living with my step-brother. His mum - my step sister - is living in a tiny flat with her new chap, having just gone through a very unpleasant divorce. She has three grown up kids, including the nephew, and three grandchildren. I didn't want to invite my step-brother if it meant my nephew would be on his own, and I didn't want to invite that nephew and not the other one as I know what it's like when you get left out of things! So my thought was to speak to my sister and ask her if she wanted to do lunch at mine on Christmas Day. Even though we will be going out, it won't be until the afternoon and I have a lot more space, so I was going to ask if she wanted everyone round at mine, I'd help with the lunch and then go to my friends for my own lunch.
As I'm writing this I'm shaking my head, why do I do all of this? I know how it will pan out :)
I spoke to my sister this afternoon, assuming she hadn't arranged anything for Christmas as she hasn't mentioned anything. It's all arranged, everyone's going to her, apart from the step-brother who's being left alone, and myself and my son aren't invited either.
I'm not massively annoyed, just a bit irritated that there are still quite a lot of people that I think of who don't think about me. She doesn't know we've been invited out anywhere so as far as she's aware we're on our own at Christmas. It's not a huge deal, it's more the fact she hasn't even mentioned it rather than the fact we aren't invited, and more the fact that I was making plans in my head to make sure everyone was happy and not alone when those concerned were not feeling the same about me.
Grrr. No biggie. Just needed to vent and off load. Thank you for listening :) Love Tupp xx
Izzy_*now*:
Hi Tupp
I sure don't have any answers.
When I was little we spent Xmas with Dad's side of the famiy and New Years with Mom's side of the family. All cut and dried.
Things changed when we girls had boyfriends and weren't with the rest of the family, then marriage and our own children/in-laws and the crowd becomes larger, then divorce and the crowd becomes smaller and I was beginning to hate the holidays with a passion.
One year I had 4 invitatiions and was so confused when I had turned them down, as I wanted just a Xmas alone with my D, about 10. Then they all called and wondered where I was.
FFwd to now. It has been since Xmas 2003 that I have not celebrated a Holiday and I am fine with it.
Karla, my therapist is my best friend and her place is totally off limits for accessibility and she understnads that I don't care to go and she likely would not care to be fussing over it, so we have our own dinner out on another day, whenever a time comes to celebrate: just she and I, not even her husband, and I am fine with that.
......and when my mess is all over and we celebrate with a BIG party, it will still be just she and I at a favourite place to enjoy!
It will work out for you somehow!
Iz
lighter:
Tupp:
It's obvious that you care more about other people than you do yourself. That's amazing, and uplifting, but it's also a vulnerable place to live when the people around you care more about their selfish needs than anyone else.
It sounds like you knew instinctively you would be having that Christmas lunch with your older stepbrother to me.
Your sister isn't going to change her spots at this point, and it's very sad she didn't invite the step brother, her son lives with, or you and your child.
She's broken, and she can't do any better, I'm afraid.
What might help is letting her know exactly how you feel.....
share your fears, your vulnerability, the pain being left out without any thought has brought you over the years.........
that you forgive her, and you're going to change your expectations going forward to avoid dissapointment.
I'm so glad you've been invited to a lovely celebration dinner at a trusted friend's home...... that friend is likely becoming part of your chosen family.
You need to create a new family for yourself, as sad as that is, and let the others go, IMO.
They aren't going to change, and you deserve to be with people who are as careful with others as you are..... reciprocal care, gratitude, and trusting only those who deserve your trust, Tupp.
Go ahead and have that Christmas lunch for your step brother.... how kind of you, and your soul needs him to have that in order for you to be OK. You're a rare being who needs others to be OK, so you can be OK too............ so rare.
Enjoy that Christmas feast with the people you love, and who love you back..... that's what you want to model for your darling son.
Whether you have that chat with your sister, send a letter, or just let her go without a word, or don't let her go.........
that will probably take some journaling, but I think speaking your authentic piece would go a long way in dispelling the annoying feelings/anger/sadness you feel from being left out yet again.
I also think she deserves to hear your truth.
((((Tup and son))) You're so kind, and dear.
How could they not love you?
Because they're broken, and they can't do any better, that's how.
It will be ok.... keep building your chosen family, and modeling something better for your son.
Lighter
KayZee:
((((Tup)))))
Lighter gives such good advice. What your sister did was truly hurtful, and you have every right to feel upset about it. You're a warm, wonderful, compassionate person and anyone in their right mind would give you a place at the head of their holiday table!
But Lighter is right, sister is not in her right mind (none of our FOOs are) and they're not capable of acknowledging feelings (their own or others'), acting considerately or being decent. In addition, the holidays seem to bring out the worst in them. N-families are grinches in disguise! Maybe they're not even aware of how destructive they are, but there seems to be some compulsion to ruin the holidays for everyone.
I'd grieve this betrayal on your own. Feel it, journal about it, and then do something really nice for yourself--something that will make the day really special for you and step brother & son. It could just be planning a new dish, something experimental or something you'd never consider bringing to your sister's xmas feast. Or it could be planning a Christmas walk you and your gang could do together.
I wouldn't expect sis to be able to acknowledge your feelings of hurt. It's way more important that you acknowledge them to yourself and then reclaim the holidays as your own! Try to look at it as a chance to celebrate in a new way. In YOUR own, distinct way.
My T always used to say I went into situations considering whether other people liked me, instead of considering whether I even liked them. Maybe instead of considering whether your sis wants to spend the holidays with you, consider whether you really want to spend it with her. The answer might be surprising, even liberating! And it will free you up emotionally so you can begin to decide what YOU want your Christmas to look like. New routines can be frightening at first, but they can also be really exciting.
sending lots of love your way, Kay x
teartracks:
Hi Twoapenny,
I think you're on top of this one. So well thought out. I think the same as lighter, sometimes changing our expectations of the irregular people in our life is the most sensible thing to do. If you can forgive them too, the scenario gets even better.
tt
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
Go to full version