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How to fend off a gang of jackals?
KayZee:
Aggghhh....
I'm beginning to feel like a broken record with all these NC problems. The same crap seems to happen every couple of weeks: my whole family leaps on me all at once, like jackals, or wolves, or whatever animals hunt in packs.
A little update/back story...
- I'm two weeks from my due date and still trying to finish up a work deadline as I wait for baby. My in-laws just arrived for a three week visit, so I'm not feeling quite so blue/isolated/family-less. I really, really enjoy my in-law's company and they are so helpful around the house and good with the kids.
- A few weeks ago, I heard from GC sister again. She called me up and got really aggressive, asking why I haven't sent her piece of writing to a work colleague. I answered because she hadn't finished the piece of writing, and I didn't feel comfortable sending work unless it was finished. But then, GC sis just started railing at me. I caved in saying, "Are you asking me to send it now? (she hadn't asked anything, just attacked me). Fine then, I'll send it now. G-bye." Typical GC sis behavior. Only calls when she needs something/wants to use me. I kind of emotionally detached after that. Realized we will never ever have a close, sisterly relationship. She'll never care about me or call just to chat. Been sort of grieving my whole family's hopeless dysfunction, not just coming to terms with NM.
- Sent a snail mail letter a few weeks ago to NM and co-N, enabling Dad, saying we're too overwhelmed with the pregnancy/forthcoming new baby and won't be traveling or hosting any holidays this year. Dad emailed me back from some new email address (one I hadn't blocked when I went NC) and seemed much more empathetic and less N-ish than he has in past communications. Saying he understood. And also, the kids' xmas presents were "too big to mail" and maybe they could drop them by some afternoon after the new baby is born. I said, "Fine. Sounds good. A day visit, only a couple of hours. See the new baby, exchange gifts, whatever. I'll let you know when." Hopefully, my in-laws will still be here, and there will be witnesses--people who will force my pressure my parents to be on their best/not-so-abusive behavior.
Anyway, barrage of emails and phone calls today. From both dad and GC-sis. This is the way it always works. Everyone swoops down and attacks me all at once. Dad emailing to say, he tried to call me and wish me a happy thanksgiving (we'd already done a thanksgiving email) and my cell phone carrier restricted his call (I'd blocked him), demanding to know what is going on? You know what's going on. I don't want to talk to you. I've asked for NC.
I've ignored Dad's email so far, and just don't want to get sucked back into drama of having to demand my space again (then they will lash out at me and attack me again). But then, of course, GC sis has started calling me out of the blue at the exact same time, clearly to report back to my dad about my phone number (I haven't blocked her). I've ignored sis' calls too. I just can't take it. It feels like they're just trying to stir up some holiday-shit, attack me, take their misery out on someone.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to engage with them any more than I've already done when I said, "Fine. I'll let you come and see your new granddaughter very briefly after she's born"). There is nothing more to say. If I engage, they will attack me. If I keep ignoring them, will they go away? It all feels like another set-up/head game and I don't want any part in it.
Another part of me feels like they do this every pregnancy. Right before my due date, when I'm at my most uncomfortable and preoccupied, they make a full-scale attempt to try to fuck with me.
Agghhh, please help. When will this cycle ever end? I don't want to toyed with anymore.
sKePTiKal:
You need to occupy yourself - wholly and totally committed - to something else. As a practical matter - a way to stuff your brain full of something else, so there's no time to let thoughts wander back to rehashing all the same time-worn paths of futility. Blocking more email/phone calls wouldn't be "mean" either. Just try to convince yourself that you need to postpone whatever experience of them, is ultimately inevitable.
It's the best thing for your stress levels and the little one. You're the one in control of that - not them. (Despite all the entitlement they think they have.)
Hugs to you, Kay...
and remember: they don't have a real grasp of boundaries or reality... so whatever they choose to lob at you isn't based in reality either.
Breathe. Enjoy the gorgeous fall weather (or snow... if you're getting some!) and simply make your nest for the new one, in peace.
KayZee:
Thanks P.R.:)
Don't know why it's so hard to put it out of my mind. Bad habits on my end too, I guess. The patterns are still there; it's sooooo easy to let them ruin my day, make me crazy, make it difficult to concentrate on my work or my kids.
Snowfall tonight! Gonna try to take your advice, take on some projects, concentrate on weatherproofing some windows and making sure I've got everything together for the hospital.
Thank you so much for listening. And for letting me talk it all through when I was well on my way to bottling it up and feeling hopeless!... Kay x
Twoapenny:
Hi Kay,
It will be on your mind, but that's because you are human and dealing with real emotions and real life. See it as a sign they haven't managed to drive you completely crazy yet :)
I'd just ignore. You've been very clear in your requests for space, privacy and so on. You've been polite and thoughtful. I remember an earlier post about your sister and this unfinished thing she's written, you told her then you'd send it when it was finished and she's ignored that and is bothering you again.
I found things changed for me when I started to control what I focused on. For me, that was my son, my health, our home, money, my friends - in short I wanted a better life for both of us. So when I found myself getting angry about my mum, I went for a long walk or took my son out somewhere nice - something positive for us. If I got upset about my step-dad, I'd clear out a cupboard or do some gardening - something productive. It's still a work in progress but it is helping.
Work to your script now, not theirs. You've asked them to stay away, they are refusing to. So act as if they are doing what you asked and try to focus on your time with your in-laws, your kids and most importantly, yourself. It's good that you're at a point where you don't need the drama, for a long time I think I was as addicted to feeling bad and being their victim as they were addicted to making me feel that way (I'm not suggesting that's the same for you, just trying to say that it's very healthy that you find yourself wanting space from what they do).
Ignore, ignore, ignore! Eventually it gets easier (((((((((Kay)))))))))))
BonesMS:
(((((((((((KayZee)))))))))))))))))))
These jackals/jackasses will NEVER recognize boundaries because they just DON'T CARE! Their entire world view is: "EFF you, ME FIRST!" I guess it's time to block ALL of their points of contact and ask the hubs if he can assist in guarding the castle from any further invasions. When your in-laws arrive to help, please recruit their assistance in keeping these invaders out. You're going to need it, especially when you go into labor and after the baby is born!
If the "Princess GC" sends you a piece of garbage that isn't good enough to put on the bottom of a bird cage, I would let it sit and ROT instead of bothering your friends with it! If the "Princess GC" somehow manages to contact you about it, state that the mail hasn't arrived yet, or it could be tied up in the Christmas rush, or whatever. Then let the hubs take over and have him tell "Princess GC" that you are now in full nesting mode and to LEAVE YOU ALONE!
Their entire world view is: "EFF you, ME FIRST" so turn the tables on them! EFF THEM!!!!
Bones
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