Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Bullying Email from N-stepdaughter to DH
lighter:
--- Quote from: Butterfly on December 15, 2012, 07:10:14 PM ---
Now for the hard part - not letting this upset my family's peace and dealing with the result of not capitulating in a positive way. I think I can do it, but I worry about DH . . .
--- End quote ---
Hmmm.... not capitulating in a "positive way?"
You mean, not allowing his ex and dd to control the visit entirely, which placed you guys in a compromised position?
If you can make reservations right around the corner from the ex's home, I don't see how your solution can be countered with any reasobale objection, but I'd make sure to have some pre-planned responses handy, should dd say something like: "But I'd be more comfortable staying at home for the visit."
"I understand that, but I'm still uncomfortable with your mom being put upon, so making reservations round the corner means that's solved, along with not adding driving time for you guys. I'm forwarding a menu for your convenience..... See you there ::kiss kiss::."
Stay chipper and upbeat. ::nodding::
If sd continues to object.... dh can say.....
"I'm just not comfortable putting your mother out like that, and meeting at her home isn't going to be an option this year. If you aren't comfortable with my choice of location, we can meet at O'Donnels, O'Flannighans, Ruby Tuesday, The Frog and the Fhurkin, or any other nearby location that can be arranged. What works for you?"
If sd finally comes out and states that she's only willing to visit with you if you're willing to walk into the spider's lair, then...... he can say....
"As lovely as your mother's gesture is, I'm just not willing to put her out like that."
DH should continue offering alternative locations just round the corner, and holding his ground while remaining the polite and level parent.
I don't think it's innapropriate for him to forego the visit if his dd continues to insist he meet at the ex's, and I don't think sharing his own discomfort with meeting at the ex's would be productive either. He can continue making statements like:
"As I've already stated... whether your mother stays in the house or leaves, I'm not comfortable putting her in that position, and really hope the plan to meet at the Furkhin works out.... " or
"Even if you're comfortable putting your mother in that position, I'm not, so we need to choose another location for the visit..... " or
"Even if your mother was out of town, I think it would be more comfortable, for her and me, if we met around the corner, and I hope we can work that out."
Oh oh! If dh e-mails everyone involved they have the option of showing up, or not, and it's not just up to dd that way. DD is responsible if she doesn't show, not your husband. That puts the ball in everyone's court, and DD isn't the one controlling information, and making the decision for less irrational family members that way.
Maybe even state that you guys will be at the Frog and the Furkhin on the 26th, at 6pm to visit and btw we invited your Aunt K, Uncle Tom and 4 cousins who'll meet us there too, so won't that be nice? If no one shows, you had a nice visit with the Aunt and Uncle and cousins, and can stop by the mom's for a minute to drop presents and get a hug from your sd..... sorry they couldn't make the visit, it was lovely and they were missed... ::kiss kiss:: Bye bye.
Your husband has to choose something he can live with, I understand. Just too many options, and you never know what the PD's are going to pull.
Good luck,
Lighter
Butterfly:
Thank you Lighter!!! This is good stuff. We are using most of it. My DH is on a roll now--he is starting to come up with some of his own "polite and level" responses and even suggested that we visit our therapist at least once in December as a regular habit. So proud of him. So glad I did not send my own pithy (read sarcastic) reply.
Thanks again. Happy Holidays!
B
lighter:
--- Quote from: Butterfly on December 17, 2012, 09:26:40 PM --- My DH is on a roll now--he is starting to come up with some of his own "polite and level" responses and even suggested that we visit our therapist at least once in December as a regular habit. So proud of him. So glad I did not send my own pithy (read sarcastic) reply.
Thanks again. Happy Holidays!
B
--- End quote ---
IME, sending those pithy little responses is always regretful.
Always.
To help dispell confusion, I always include the e-mails I'm responding to, so they're all right there for everyone's reference, including my own.
I think setting a December T appt ever year, and making it part of your holiday tradition, sounds very wise, btw; )
Lighter
Hopalong:
Lighter's examples of calm, adult, nonreactive, untriggered statements are PERFECT examples of healthy assertiveness.
Literally, exactly like what I once heard in an assertiveness training workshop.
This is exactly how one draws boundaries without freaking out. I'm gonna practice.
Inspired,
Hops
Butterfly:
Okay. Situation still not settled. Lots of "calm, adult, nonreactive, untriggered statements" (thanks, Hops!) being emailed back to N step-daughter from DH and me. Aaack! This is hard. Whatever suggestion we make, she has an objection to. She keeps changing her reasons, changing her mind, changing her preferences . . . . At this point, it seems as if it will end with no visit at all. Which is fine by me. It will be her choice. My holiday will be much calmer without having to endure a visit with Ns.
Thanks to you all. Wishing you joy and peace.
B
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