How Do We Learn to Love?

[Izzy_*now*]

http://www.zenit.org/article-34479?l=english

That is the link and I'm finding it interesting, since I have always felt I never learned to love.

Children who find a secure safe haven in their parents are well on their way to becoming secure, mentally healthy adults with the skills needed to form their own strong relationships, says Dr. Andrew J. Sodergren, a psychologist who seeks to integrate psychological sciences with a Catholic understanding of the human person.Though a healthy parent-child relationship is key for the future, as many as 40% of adults are grappling with a history of insecure relationships with parents. (I can believe it.)

Sometimes the term “attachment” is used to imply that the parent has an attachment to the child. Bowlby was adamant that the child forms an attachment to the parent, not the other way around. Just as the child is equipped to form an attachment to his caregivers, adults are equipped with a caregiving instinct to respond to the child and nurture him. This is why we all cringe when we hear a baby cry. However, in a healthy parent-child relationship, the parent does not form an attachment to the child, which would entail the parent gratifying his or her needs through the child. This role reversal negatively affects the child’s development. When it comes to relating to children, adults are the caregivers, and children are the ones who form attachments to us.

and there is more---

I wonder how I screwed things up.
--i.e.
It’s entirely possible that my love, ‘attachment’, we’ll say, to J. was foiled by his abuse and drinking. I would therefore turn to D. as someone to whom to be attached, but it’s the child who ought to form the attachment to the parent. I’m no expert but that’s a possibility, that makes her think that she raised me. If she did, then she was not a good mother, because I turned out terrible, so she focused on her ever absent father… and where are her children? History repeating itself? I don’t know! I trust they are well and happy….but she swears she raised me! Why? Because I was disabled and she cut the grass?

OK, that was a rambling thought---

Can anyone identify with this? and can anyone identify it with my D and me?

I swear this made sense when I wrote it!

Happy New Year
Iz

[Twoapenny]

Hi Izzy,

 I must admit  I don't really understand the bit about forming attachments.  I have always thought I was very attached to my son but I thought that was a good thing?  Maybe it has different meanings in different contexts?  I hadn't thought about an attachment being to do with having your needs met, I suppose I'd thought about it more along the lines of being loving and affectionate.  Maybe the clinical term is different to the way it's used day to day?

I do understand the bit about the parent gratifying their needs though the child, although that feels like a bit of a grey area.  I feel a very strong need to be a good mum and to not mess him up!  I also wonder about my unmet needs, as an adult.  I think I'd be happier and a more well rounded person if all my needs were met, but I'm still a bit ropey at personal relationships so most of my needs aren't met by others.  I don't know what sort of effect that is having on him, I guess it's better for him if I'm happier?  Maybe I'm happy enough to do a good enough job?  It gets really confusing when you start thinking about it a lot!