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My mum is ill
Twoapenny:
Hi all,
Just wanting to share and thank you for giving me a place to do that :)
I've had a letter from my aunt (my mum's sister) telling me my mum has serious health problems. She feels the 'situation' between me and my mum may be contributing to it and wants me to make peace with her.
I am fully aware that my mum has spouted all sorts of nonsense about me to people over the years regarding the reasons for us not being in contact. I know that none of them will know the truth and that she does a good victim routine, with lots of talk about how devastated she is and how much she loves us. I am also fully aware that the entire family know her husband abused me and they all turned a blind eye.
I have found myself feeling increasingly happy through the day at the thought that her illness might be serious and she might die. It made me realise how much damage she has done and how scared I have still been of further false accusations and the harm they can do/have done to my son. I've found myself imagining hearing that she's passed and the sense of relief I feel is huge. I've tried imagining the same scenario with a friend's mum and it made me feel really sad (I wanted to check I can feel and that I'm not just turning into a heartless person who cares about no-one).
I am 99% sure that if I offer to meet with my mum she will say no. In all these years she's never once contacted me or got in touch to do anything other than write nasty letters or harass my boy.
I am willing to write to my mum, wish her well and offer to meet with her. If she does say yes - which I doubt - I am willing to meet her for coffee somewhere.
The thing that has struck me most is that she doesn't feel like my mum at all. She just feels like a lady I used to know who did bad things and who I escaped from. I don't feel scared or worried about meeting up with her. I feel I could chat for an hour about nothing in particular, like you would a stranger on a bus or something like that. There was a time - not long ago really - when a letter like this would have sent me into a spin for days and brought up all sorts of issues and created all sorts of problems for me. Now it just feels like a neighbour asking me to do them a favour.
I'm hoping this shows healing on my part. I don't wish my mum any harm, but she isn't part of my life and really, she never has been. So I'm willing to contact her, say hope you feel better soon and offer to meet. I feel confident that doing so won't entangle me in the web. I just feel strong enough to keep my boundaries in place and not be affected by what they all think/feel/say about me.
I feel a little sad that she's got to a point in her life know where she might not have long left and yet she still hasn't done anything about her behaviour or the way she treats people. But it's more a general observation, the way I feel when I read about people being lonely or their partners leaving them or something like that. We don't really feel connected.
Anyway, I just wanted to get my thoughts out of my head and onto the screen. Thank you for reading.
Tup xx
lighter:
Well, Tupp......
I can see two positive things coming from a meeting with your mum....
placating your Aunt, (should you feel there's anything to be gained by placating her, or any other misinformed likely traitorous family member who should have protected you from your SF, but failed,) and.......
a possible reconnaissance mission that positively identifies your mother's condition as imminently fatal in the very near future.....
ahh just writing that out lifted my spirits.
DUOH! Did I really write that?
Why yes.
Yes, I think I did.
And I think you're perfectly normal for feeling happiness at being out from under the threat and trauma of your mum's egregious sabotage, and the harm done to you and your boy. I think anyone who's suffered what you have would feel some amount of relief and happiness at being out from under that threat, frankly.
Other than that, I see nothing positive to be gained by contacting your mum.
Just my two cents ((((Tupp)))).
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Hi Lighter,
I agree with your two cents entirely! I've sent two cards, one to my mum saying I hope she feels better soon and offering to meet, one to my aunt saying thanks for letting me know and I have written to mum. I know she doesn't want to see or speak to me - she knows I won't keep my mouth shut and keep up the pretence that she needs to keep in her own mind. They all know that. In all honesty I've only offered to do it because I know she won't. The health problems could be serious and I'm suprised it's taken this long for the drinking to catch up with her. It's a funny way to have a family :? My friend's mum is turning 60 next month (these are the friends that invited us up for Christmas). She's having a big party, we're invited, everyone's looking forward to it. It's funny how you can feel so differently about two people because one treats you well and the other badly.
Hope you and your girls are well :)
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on January 10, 2013, 11:47:15 AM ---Hi Lighter,
It's funny how you can feel so differently about two people because one treats you well and the other badly.
Hope you and your girls are well :)
--- End quote ---
I think it's perfectly rational to feel positive things toward nurturing people, and negative things toward toxic, egregiously harmful people...... not funny at all, but a logical human response.
My girls are doing well, and very much enjoyed the holiday. Thanks for asking ; )
Lighter
Butterfly:
Hi, Tup. Please take care. When I read your post, a chill went through me. I couldn't help but think about everything you and your son have been through because of her and others. I am so glad you are feeling strong, though.
Hugs,
Butterfly (with wings a flappin' ...)
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