Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
Twoapenny:
I'd really like to hear your opinions on this as I'm a little bit worried.
I've had a bit of a tumultuous but revealing few months. I've realised that I don't have many of the kind of friends that I would like (kind, thoughtful, helpful etc) and the ones I do have live many miles away. I think this is something to do with my problems with intimacy and my fear of getting hurt (by getting close to someone as it makes me vulnerable).
I've also realised that when it comes to friendships I've been quite passive in the past and tended to become friends with people who've wanted me rather than deciding whether I like someone and want to spend time with them (and this has tended to end up in friendships where I feel I'm discarded after I've served my purpose).
So ...................... I want to be brave and try to cultivate some new friendships. There are several people I know who I chit chat to at the various clubs and activities I go to with my son. I want to try and develop these chit chats into friendships, or at least spend more time with them.
However - is this a bit cynical? I'm worried there's something a bit narcissistic about it, that I've decided I want to know these people better and am sort of setting out to test them and see if they're 'worthy' of being friends with? I feel a bit like I'm selecting people and that feels a bit wrong? I'm also a bit worried I'm going at it for selfish reasons (I want more/better company than I have now, I'd like more friends that understand my son and our situation better, I'd like to be around people that don't arrange things we can't join in with because they don't understand our situation, I'd really like people that help me out sometimes instead of leaving me to struggle on my own). Is that going into friendships for the wrong reason?
I'm a bit concerned. Am I going about this the wrong way? I'd very much appreciate your thoughts. Thank you in advance.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on March 16, 2013, 03:38:48 AM ---I'd really like to hear your opinions on this as I'm a little bit worried.
I've had a bit of a tumultuous but revealing few months. I've realised that I don't have many of the kind of friends that I would like (kind, thoughtful, helpful etc) and the ones I do have live many miles away. I think this is something to do with my problems with intimacy and my fear of getting hurt (by getting close to someone as it makes me vulnerable).
I've also realised that when it comes to friendships I've been quite passive in the past and tended to become friends with people who've wanted me rather than deciding whether I like someone and want to spend time with them (and this has tended to end up in friendships where I feel I'm discarded after I've served my purpose).
So ...................... I want to be brave and try to cultivate some new friendships. There are several people I know who I chit chat to at the various clubs and activities I go to with my son. I want to try and develop these chit chats into friendships, or at least spend more time with them.
However - is this a bit cynical? I'm worried there's something a bit narcissistic about it, that I've decided I want to know these people better and am sort of setting out to test them and see if they're 'worthy' of being friends with? I feel a bit like I'm selecting people and that feels a bit wrong? I'm also a bit worried I'm going at it for selfish reasons (I want more/better company than I have now, I'd like more friends that understand my son and our situation better, I'd like to be around people that don't arrange things we can't join in with because they don't understand our situation, I'd really like people that help me out sometimes instead of leaving me to struggle on my own). Is that going into friendships for the wrong reason?
I'm a bit concerned. Am I going about this the wrong way? I'd very much appreciate your thoughts. Thank you in advance.
--- End quote ---
(((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
From my perspective, there's nothing wrong with wanting to cultivate HEALTHIER friendships than what you and I have been dealing with in the past.
Bones
lighter:
Tupp:
My perspective:
You're not testing people, you're trying to make better choices going forward, and figure out how to put new systems in place for yourself.
You're keeping your past mistakes in mind so you can avoid them.
You're holding better expectations as yard sticks.
You're absolutely learning about yourself, how you've operated on auto pilot in the past, and figuring out how to operate differently for a better future.
What could be selfish about that?
It's likely overwhelming, and causes some short circuits...... fearfulness, anxiety, etc... which perhaps make old patterns pop up.... fear, anxiety, kwim?
I hope you're jounaling, and checking in with those thoughts. There are lessons,
so
many
lesssons.........
and it's hard to keep track if you don't note them, and touch them and keep rolling them up to the surface in your process, IME. Like a washing machine, just too many new revelations to
keep up with, note while figuring out how to change the old, IME.
You have a right to reciprocal relationships. You have a duty to choose relationships that go both ways. Frankly it makes me nervouse for you that you don't have some kind of
well written book on the process to refer to and go through steps...... something like that book ARE YOU TOO NICE, or something where they lay out excercises for you.
It's not selfish, Tupp. It's just difficult.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Tupp, I don't think there's anything wrong about being conscious about your intention...
really, it's the opposite. Relationships have a better chance of being mutually fulfilling,
or even getting off the ground, when people are thinking about who they (themselves)
are, and about what they need. Some matches work, and some just don't.
It does not make you manipulative, to think about people in light of how they might
be a healthy, or appropriate, or unstressful, part of your life. You are in fact being more
fair to others as well, when you are conscious of whether they can meet your basic
requirements for friendship as well as vice versa. If your vote isn't even in there, then
they are not allowed to build anything real either.
So yes, make your silent votes for yourself. You can still be present in the moment,
and be friendly and/or kind, to others you meet. But never pretend to yourself or them
as though YOU are not really there. You always, now, are going to have your own
vote. (They don't even have to know about this thinking...it belongs to YOU.)
It's even a little like A Fine Romance says, although scaled to friendship...beware fusion,
instant total intimacy, and feeling like you must offer yourself up as totally compliant, in
order to be loved. (Or in new friendships, simply liked or acknowledged.)
I think you just need to build confidence that you can continue to be your own loving
friend in life, just as you learned you had to battle for your boy...you deserve to make
discerning choices for yourself too. That will guide you as you learn to choose reciprocity.
Perhaps read that famous list of Boundaries again, I'd suggest...it's in the What Helps section.
love to you,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Hops, Bonesie, Lighter, thank you for your replies, I am reading and re-reading as my head is spinning a bit at the minute and it's taking a while to layer things down and get my head around them.
On a positive, simple note I spoke to a couple of the mums at swimming last night and we are going to arrange an evening out - I've put it on my To Do list so I don't keep putting it off and finding excuses not to go.
What is coming up is suprising and troubling me. Because I have no family, I think I have convinced myself that I have a wide and ever reaching circle of friends that replace my family. I think the truth of the matter is I don't, I think I might even have substituted my very dysfunctional family for a less dysfunctional one through my friends. I have a lot of on-line 'friends', such as on this forum and of course that is wonderful and very helpful (particularly when you need to talk about things that other people don't understand) but I do feel that I have substituted that for real people. It's safer on-line without real contact occuring; I'd like to get a combination of both now!
The main things that have been bothering me are:
Realising the only people my son spends time with regularly are volunteers at the sports clubs he goes to. I don't know why I didn't see this before but it broke my heart when I realised - not one friend or family member bothers with him. He is the loveliest little lad and all the volunteers think he's brilliant and love being around him. How have I managed to surround myself with people who cannot find even two hours in a twelve month period to hang out with him or take him swimming?
Someone told me, during a row, that I'd end up bitter and alone. I'm afraid that I've pretty much fulfilled that prophecy for them, without really realising that I'm doing it. I am determined to change that now.
Feeling invisible? I feel that none of my friends has any understanding of my life. I am alone, with no family or partner. My son is disabled and taking care of him is roughly equivalent to having three full time jobs. We're on a low income and everything is a struggle financially - we manage but I have to be very good/careful with money and there isn't money to splash around. I have had health problems for about a year now, and I've been telling people since Christmas that I feel very ill and am waiting for more tests on my heart. But despite this none of my friends really ever seem to think about me, to ring for a chat or to just have any understanding that my life is tough. Since I've told people I've been ill not one person has offered to help or asked me if there's anything they can do. A couple of people have offered me money but I feel it is human contact that is lacking from my life. Knowing somebody cared enough to do something with my son would mean so much more to me than cash.
I'm angry with myself that I've let this situation develop and I've left my son as isolated as I was as a child. I feel I should have realised all of this sooner and sorted it out. I'm angry that I've swopped one set of dodgy characters for another and left myself out in the cold, as it were. I feel angry that there are people I've done loads for over the years who now I need help are too busy to even call me.
Sorry it's a bit disjointed, my head is a bit jumpy at the minute and I'm struggling a bit to get how I feel into words. But angry, sad and so very tired are top of the list, I think.
Thank you for reading xx
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