Voiceless at Work No More---Made A Change

[sunblue]

Hello All:

Been a little while since I've checked in....been going through a difficult time which I needed to address.  For the last 2 years (when I had to report to a new boss), I have been seriously bullied at work.  My new boss stole my job literally, spent every day marginalizing me personally and publicly, took credit for my work, went behind my back to urge my staff to bully me, diminished my abilities and experience at every turn and insulted me regularly.  3/4 of my staff walked out the door because of her behavior.  Co-workers who I counted  as close friends chose to shun and betray me as well.  In short, my boss made sure I had no voice whatsoever...this after 3 years of having a very strong voice in the company.  I had been told regularly by others that she was threatened by me...and she, in fact, made sure others who were very bright and knowledgeable were forced out of the company.

This situation had made me really sick and was destroying any shred of self-worth I had left.  I had been interviewing and job searching aggressively.  I was recently made an offer.  It's not an ideal situation in terms of the kind of work I hoped to do....but it offers some good elements.  I agonized over the decision because the job I held (at least on paper) was perfect for me.  However, I had to come to terms that my new boss had stolen that job for me.  So I accepted the new job and just left the company.  In the end, I just couldn't put up being treated so bad.  They were using me to get a major project done (unrelated to my real job) while my real job was taken from me. 

I feel like I've been the victim of domestic abuse---feeling battered, betrayed, bullied.  The fact that my co-workers contributed to the bullying hurt me as well.  A few of them immediately unfriended me on facebook.

Anyway, what I realized, is that my general voicelessness issues emanating from my family contributed to this.  I invested too much in this job and this toxic company.  I did everything and then some for them...at great sacrifice to me.  I took on new projects, tasks,, whole other jobs ...working up to 100 hours a week.  Meanwhile, others refused to perform that work load until new staff were hired for them which they got.  I guess I was afraid to set boundaries because I knew that they were take away from me the portion of my job I loved.  I stayed too long and did not see coming what they were about to do.  Granted, this was all during the time of our recession so there were very few jobs available. 

Anyway, I feel like a real loser at this point.....I feel stepped on and diminished....just like my N family has always made me feel.

I'm trying to maintain some sense of hope...that my new job won't turn out to be as bad as I might think.  Anyway, just thought I'd provide an udpate.

[Hopalong]

WOW, Sun. I am so impressed.
Awful and toxic as it was, you still managed to HOLD ON there until you had an exit plan.
This is huge. Really, don't overlook how important and mature that decision was.

I can relate to your suffering at work.

I wonder what you might do to ensure that in your new job, you will have a work experience, and not a re-enacted FOO one?

I have so many times re-enacted my original wounding and voicelessness, taking everything personally, not establishing
adult professional boundaries in a calm way...working to death and in misery even away from the office because I let a JOB
take up residence in my head, right next to the original N-family damages.

I have a friend I used to whine and moan and vent to, about psychodynamic things that happened at work (short of outright abuse, in my case,
but still very triggering). One day, she looked at me and said matter-of-factly, That's why they call it work.

Oh! I realized I'd been thinking (or less than thinking, more like...behaving) as though because I was so deep into the work, was there every day,
and was doing really valuable things really well, I could expect...JUSTICE! RESPECT! UNDERSTANDING! And the killer: APPROPRIATE COMPENSATION
and APPRECIATION!

That sounds sarcastic but I realized I really, really did "expect" it. My friend's remark, plus a whole lot of inner work and therapy...
was a signpost.

Just the other day I said to my T, who laughed...I've realized that "My job is to do my work and then go home."

That's it. I'm breathing much easier.

Could you possibly go see a T right now, and tell that person that your specific goal is to begin your new post with boundaries and
have an ongoing reality check to help you stay UN-triggered and less HOPEFUL about those FOO feelings/needs, and succeed with realistic
perspective?

That's kind of garbled but I am so hopeful for you. You never know what just "Doing your work and going home" might do.

One last thing -- I have urged MANY younger colleagues to set appropriate expectations in their employers' minds from
the GET-GO. Not by verbalizing it, but simply by calmly shutting off the computer and walking out of the office at the
end of the day. Same time every day. If there's an unusual event that everybody needs to do overtime about, that's
different, but be sure not to set yourself up as someone who's accustomed to being exploited (and who will eagerly
exploit herself).

I hope you can reclaim your life.

love to you,
Hops

[debkor]

WOW, Sun. I am so impressed.
Awful and toxic as it was, you still managed to HOLD ON there until you had an exit plan.
This is huge. Really, don't overlook how important and mature that decision was.


I'm with Hops!!  Ditto!!

Love
Deb

[sunblue]

Thanks so much Hops and Debkor.

Hops, I could really identify with what you said.  In fact, I had been toying with the idea with searching for a therapist....haven't been for a very long while.  But I'd like to learn what I had been doing wrong and how I could make sure this didn't happen to me again.  You are so right.  I worked really hard.  Invested tons of hours.  Did a great job and always went out of my way to help everyone.  I thought that would be appreciated and recognized.  It wasn't...not really anyway. Thrown under the bus when a bully came after me because she was threatened by my and others.

But, I also know my problem has been that my whole identity has been built around what I do..my job and career.  In my family, everything centered around studying hard and working hard (never anything socially-minded).  You were measured by the status of your job or career and how much money you made.  I was already deemed a failure when I selected a career that wasnt known for earning you tons of money (at least not compared to the "lawyer" or "doctor").  So my whole life has been my job.  Now, when that job was taken from me, I'm left with nothing.....I never put in a normal day's work and then went home to a life.  I always worked tons of overtime and really had no life outside of work.  So hard to create an identity that's not based on your work.

Plus, I hungered for justice.....but just the opposite occurred.  No justice when someone is allowed to bully you and steal your  job...just simply because they wanted it and was threatened by you.  So, when I gave notice to the CEO, I was shocked by his rude reaction.  No justice.  And feeling really stupid and a failure.

So thanks for your remarks.  It really rang true with me.  I really wish I could take a sabattical...feel like I've been through WWIII.  LOL

One thing for sure.  I want to learn from this and establish realistic boundaries with the new job.  Somehow I have to create an identity for myself that is not solely focused on my job.  Somehow, I have to find something worthy about myself that doesn't have to do with how much value I create in my job.  Not easy for sure

[lighter]

Sun:

I'm so proud of you.

Congrats on getting yourself out of that toxic situation.  I know it was difficult.

The upswing of navigating these last couple of years.....

you've been focused outside your FOO, experiencing growth through the pain, and you're moving ahead to something new.

Interesting to think about the different boundary choices you'll be making in this new job.....

taking care of yourself, not people pleasing automatically, and making sure you identify and enforce healthier boundaries I think.

I guess the goal is to stop making the same mistakes, and make some new ones. 

We never stop growing and learning  ((Sun.))

Lighter

[sunblue]

Thank you LIghter for your kind words!

Yes, SunBlue MUST learn from her mistakes and not repeat them this time around!   Most importantly, I think I need to try and create a self-identity that's not entirely built on my career or work.  So hard for me to do as that's all I've ever had in my life....no balance to speak of.  I know that emanates from my FOO.  I also know I've had to struggle for everything in ways no one else in my FOO has.  I guess it is what it is. 

I can't help wondering if there is some connection between FOOs that are narcisstic and toxic workplace situations for those of us who have been on the receiving end of narcissism.  I guess it would only make sense.  If you are voiceless in your family, anyone trying to limit or eliminate your voice in the workplace would be a huge trigger.  Just hard not to take it all personally.

I will do my best to think positively, to do things differently and to try to not define myself by what I do for a living.  That's the hard part for me.

Anyway, thanks so much for your words of support.  It means a lot. 

[lighter]

Hello All:

This situation had made me really sick and was destroying any shred of self-worth I had left.  I had been interviewing and job searching aggressively.  Yay.... you said you would, and you did.  Congrats: )

A few of them immediately unfriended me on facebook.   Are any of the people who unfriended you responsible for that big project you were doing for them?  Or are these people simply reacting to other people's stories about what happened?

Anyway, what I realized, is that my general voicelessness issues emanating from my family contributed to this.  I invested too much in this job and this toxic company.  I did everything and then some for them...at great sacrifice to me.  I took on new projects, tasks,, whole other jobs ...working up to 100 hours a week.  Meanwhile, others refused to perform that work load until new staff were hired for them which they got.  I guess I was afraid to set boundaries because I knew that they were take away from me the portion of my job I loved.  I stayed too long and did not see coming what they were about to do.  Granted, this was all during the time of our recession so there were very few jobs available.  You've really gained perspective and figured out what was yours in this, what you can change, and and hopefully avoid making the same mistakes at your new job.  As painful as the last couple of years have been they seem to have been catalyst for important lessons. 

Anyway, I feel like a real loser at this point.....I feel stepped on and diminished....just like my N family has always made me feel.  I think you've stepped out of whatever role you were pushed into/stuck in/volunteering for, Sun.  I can see feeling low about the past, but it might be helpful to focus on your ability to be proactive, find another situation, and use your voice in this situation too.  You did move yourself out of it.  You have identified behaviors you can change in order to create better life situations for yourself.  I think you shouldn't forget all the growth that's taken place, like a scaffold or platform, for setting boundaries and using your voice appropriately as a matter of habit.  You've figured out so much about yourself, Sun....... don't forget that.  It's BIG.

I'm trying to maintain some sense of hope...that my new job won't turn out to be as bad as I might think.  Anyway, just thought I'd provide an udpate.  I'm so glad you did.  What are you going to do in order to put healthy boundaries in place, and internalize them in your daily life?  Lighter

[sunblue]

Hi Lighter:

Thanks so much for your comments and insights.  First, a couple of answers.  Those coworkers of mine who shunned me.....I worked with them on the big project (I directed the entire project) but none of them will be responsible for taking it over.  I don't know why they shunned me--could be out of fear, could be they reported indirectly to the same boss I did and wanted to make it look like they were on her side...could be a lot of things.  As for boundaries, great question.  I may try to find a therapist and talk that through....or I may just try to take on personal outside of work projects preventing me from pouring my whole life into the new job.

Now, here's an update.  Just to know you that your Narcissist family issues have to impact absolutely everything.

I have been pretty much estranged from my non-N brother. He essentially turned his back on me and my whole family as a way of dealing with everything.  He made it clear he had no time for me----even during my worse bouts of depression and bad times.  I devoted myself to his daughter and when she no longer needed a daily babysitter, neither of them knew me.  So, he and I don't really talk anymore.  I told my N mom SPECIFICALLy I did not want him to know about my work situation.  My brother has always had it easy...never had to work at getting really great jobs...never worked a minute of overtime in his life.  So, I didn't want all his questions or gloating.  I told her I would email him and tell him my work email was no longer active and to only use my personal email for emergency communications....which I did. 

So what does she do?  You knew this was coming.  She goes out to dinner with him and not only tells him about my leaving my company but goes into every single detail about it...what happened, my boss, my new employer, you name it.  He sends me back this smarmy email.  Yet another betrayal.  My N mom has always done this.  She has never once respected my wishes and when I call her on it...she tries to make it seem like it's no big deal.  She always says, "Well, I can't lie to him."  I say, "Don't lie.  Just say he'll have to talk to (me) about that issue."  But she just won't.  She has to be the center of attention by betraying me.

I feel myself slipping back into that deep depression.  How much betrayal can one person take at once? Boss, coworkers, so-called friends, family? 

UGH!

[Twoapenny]

Wow, Sun, you have really been through it just recently.  You mention in your first post that you feel like a loser.  I was blown away by that; as I read about what you've been going through and how you've hung on in there until you had something else to go to all that kept going through my head was HERO.  I was amazed that you came out the other side of that feeling anything other than incredibly proud of what you've achieved and cheering yourself for fighting them and winning - you've got out of that situation with your dignity intact, you did your job well in the face of dreadful circumstances and you got yourself another job in a time when jobs are scarce and thousands of people are on the hunt.  That reads to me like a big gold star in your direction, I really hope there comes a time soon when you can see how heroic you've been in this situation.  ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sunblue)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I really hear what you're saying about not having anything outside of work.  I think that's quite common and is something I'm struggling with myself at the minute.  Someone recommended 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway' to me, and in that she talks about dividing your life into nine sections so that you have a balance and if one bit falls you still have eight other bits to keep you going (as I'm writing this I'm thinking I need to revisit that book and follow my own advice here!).  I can't remember what they nine are now but work was obviously one, then it was things like friends, leisure, community and so on.  I think family is another sector which for many of us is a bit of a non starter but I guess we can look for ways of building some sort of surrogate family for ourselves.

As for your mum and brother - I don't know quite the right way to express this but the way I see life is that you should be respectful of others feelings and not gloat or be glad if someone else is going through a difficult time.  I used to find depression masked my anger, could that be a factor for you at the minute?  I think a good T would really help.  My feeling at this point is that her delight in telling your brother something you specifically asked her not to and his decision to do anything other than send you his condolences speak bucketloads about their personalities.  I always think that people who delight in others discomfort and misfortune are terribly unhappy in themselves and can only detract from that by focusing on someone else's pain.  Can you keep them at arm's length a bit?  (And I completely get the babysitting thing; I feel I have been completely dumped by my sister and neice and nephews now that I've stopped doing things for them.  It's a lesson I am learning about doing too much for others - we all learn from our mistakes I suppose).  I hope you are feeling a bit better soon and are able to focus on the positive that

YOU ESCAPED FROM THAT HORRIBLE PLACE AND YOU HAVE A GREAT NEW JOB!  YAY!!  XX

[sunblue]

Hi Twoapenny:

Thanks so much for your encouraging comments.  I think it's going to take a long while to put this behind me.  As usual, I struggle with the injustice of these situations.  Being essentially forced out instead of being able to move on to something better is hard.  I think I have done too much for others....and have invested too much in my jobs.  I've always frankly gone above and beyond at both...have sacrificed a lot.....Yet, in the end, I'm the one that gets betrayed or marginalized or in a bad place.  In my job situation, I know I was targeted as well as 2 others (1 was fired and 1 was forced out).  I have to start my new job this week and I am frankly dreading it.  I know I should focus on the fact that I actually have a job to go to....but I can't help dwelling on those things I've lost.  People keep telling me that I can keep looking for a job that is a better fit and I know that's true....but it seems I'm always finding myself in this boat.  I think I will look for a therapist...haven't been in many years.....but perhaps that will help me put this in perspective.

As for family.....well just such a disappointment.  I've realized that the brother I thought I had growing up never really existed.  He opted to cope by not just going LC with my N mom and Co-D dad but but me as well....yet I was always there for him and his family.  He just never wanted a relationship with me....well, except in a very limited capacity on his terms.

Anyway, I do appreciate your comments....more than I can say.  I will need all the support I can get as I face this next week.

You know, a while back I read somewhere that an author said that each of us, when born, is essentially assigned a "theme" for our life and that our job is to figure out what that is and resolve that issue.  For some it may be rejection or betrayal....others loneliness or selfishness.  These situations repeat themselves in our lives until we figure out how to resolve them.  Not sure if I'm ever gonna get there in this life.  LOL.....I guess we try to keep life in perspective and do our best......I'm going to try and set boundaries and try to define for myself a life where my entire identity isn't based on my career.....I think what's exasperating for me is I know I have the skill sets and experience and passion to do the work I want to do.....it just seems I'm always being kept from the opportunities to do it---either because of a bully or bad luck or something else.  Yet, I see others gliding through life being able to do all of that.  Oh well.....I guess that is life.

Thanks again Two......don't mean to sound like Debbie Downer today.  I just feel like I've come out the loser of a bad divorce and now facing a new life that I didn't really want.  I guess the trick is to make the best out of any circumstance that you're dealt. 

[Leah]

Hi (((Sunblue))) so glad you have made a change.


With thanks to Hops, who wrote:

Calmly shutting off the computer and walking out of the office at the end of the day. Same time every day. If there's an unusual event that everybody needs to do overtime about, that's different, but be sure not to set yourself up as someone who's accustomed to being exploited (and who will eagerly exploit herself).

Alas, working over and above what is required really does send out the wrong message, especially when the employer knows someone has "Survived" abuse.

Speaking from experience.

Love to all,
Leah

[Twoapenny]

Hi Twoapenny:

Thanks so much for your encouraging comments.  I think it's going to take a long while to put this behind me.  As usual, I struggle with the injustice of these situations.  Being essentially forced out instead of being able to move on to something better is hard.  I think I have done too much for others....and have invested too much in my jobs.  I've always frankly gone above and beyond at both...have sacrificed a lot.....Yet, in the end, I'm the one that gets betrayed or marginalized or in a bad place.  In my job situation, I know I was targeted as well as 2 others (1 was fired and 1 was forced out).  I have to start my new job this week and I am frankly dreading it.  I know I should focus on the fact that I actually have a job to go to....but I can't help dwelling on those things I've lost.  People keep telling me that I can keep looking for a job that is a better fit and I know that's true....but it seems I'm always finding myself in this boat.  I think I will look for a therapist...haven't been in many years.....but perhaps that will help me put this in perspective.

As for family.....well just such a disappointment.  I've realized that the brother I thought I had growing up never really existed.  He opted to cope by not just going LC with my N mom and Co-D dad but but me as well....yet I was always there for him and his family.  He just never wanted a relationship with me....well, except in a very limited capacity on his terms.

Anyway, I do appreciate your comments....more than I can say.  I will need all the support I can get as I face this next week.

You know, a while back I read somewhere that an author said that each of us, when born, is essentially assigned a "theme" for our life and that our job is to figure out what that is and resolve that issue.  For some it may be rejection or betrayal....others loneliness or selfishness.  These situations repeat themselves in our lives until we figure out how to resolve them.  Not sure if I'm ever gonna get there in this life.  LOL.....I guess we try to keep life in perspective and do our best......I'm going to try and set boundaries and try to define for myself a life where my entire identity isn't based on my career.....I think what's exasperating for me is I know I have the skill sets and experience and passion to do the work I want to do.....it just seems I'm always being kept from the opportunities to do it---either because of a bully or bad luck or something else.  Yet, I see others gliding through life being able to do all of that.  Oh well.....I guess that is life.

Thanks again Two......don't mean to sound like Debbie Downer today.  I just feel like I've come out the loser of a bad divorce and now facing a new life that I didn't really want.  I guess the trick is to make the best out of any circumstance that you're dealt. 

Sun I do hear what you are saying and it is so, so tough.  In my own situation various things have happened over the years - often to do with bullying/family/certain individuals that have deliberately derailed me - and I was shoved off the path I had worked so hard to make and into a sort of no mans land.  But I am starting to see - with hindsight - that what once looked like a massive step back was actually a step to the side and has put me on a path that has taken me much further forward than my original one would have.  So I'm really hoping that some years from now you'll be able to look back at this and see it as the time that your luck turned and things started happening differently for you.  Fingers crossed xxx

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Leah...and HI! Welcome back!

Sun, the thing that just popped for me, is...if you do see a T and work with intention toward the goal of not becoming a sacrificial lamb nor a scapegoat in your new job, but just "do your work and then go home" -- perhaps for you, the opening, positive, hopeful part could be in NOT going directly home, but going instead to some new community activities that you have not done before. Art class, a volunteer thing, a positive church thing, a choir, a music thing, an exercise thing...

Whatever strikes you as having a little bit of "pull" may be something your whole, healthier self is going to be so grateful for a chance to experience.

And if you're leaving work, for a fuller life, then the identify-with-job habit will be loosened. Sounds as though the new job will be less engaging, and maybe that's actually a gift. Since this new chapter is going to be about experiementing with some new dimensions of yourself.

Perhaps there's a "gift within the problem" after all?

Hops

[sunblue]

I just want to say thank you to everyone who posted comments and words of encouragement.  I can't say enough how appreciative I am.  Today (my first day on the new job) and this week, in particular, I will take your insights with me and remember to try and focus on the positive.

I do know that my N upbringing has contributed to my career difficulties.  My N mom always stressed work above anything else.  As an N, she only valued thoose with prestigous careers who made a lot of money.....and I for sure, never measured up.  I think I carry this "career" sense of failure along with my overall feeling of "lacking" into my current career situation.  I've always marveled at those who could look at thier job simply as a job, not the focus of their life.  I will need to work on boundaries and balance.

It's funny.  This weekend I had to console my N mom who was feeling regret about a past work situation.  She gave her whole life to her job (not her family) and in the end, she was betrayed  (like I've been).  Her betrayal may cost her what she prizes most (prestige and money).  And of course she can offer no empathy to me...conversation always turns back to her situation.

Thank you again.  I really appreciate your kind comments.  I give you all a "virtual" hug of gratitude.  Who knows?  Maybe this weekend I'll splurge and go to a movie or something non-work related!