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Explanation

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Hopalong:

--- Quote ---the outcome is completely out of my control. But I don't have to "prove I can take it"... when I can't, either.
--- End quote ---

Bravo. That is so hard to get to.
And you got there.

I am glad that others will be engaged with her, however imperfectly they do it. You are as smart and knowledgeable as any, and often smarter, but it cannot be you who is her rescuer and healer. You're too close and too triggered, and strong and smart as you are, you're not THAT strong and smart. Because you can't take it. And it's great you have had the kindness to your inner self, to say so.

Grappling with your feelings about not being able to save her is grieving for so many things, in so many directions. But you're right about time, too.

Hang in there...

Hops

sKePTiKal:
Wow. Just Wow. Observations.

The "story" or "narrative" that exists in A's brain... is so far from "realistic" that it's definitely a problem in and of itself. The anger and hostility that erupts if one challenges that? Huge. Makes communication impossible. Even when something has been said, simply and clearly, she hears something completely different. Then there's always the "parting shot" - last time, it was "don't hate me 'coz I'm awesome" - that leaves a person just shaking their head.

Another observation, is that H is able to coherently SAY what is in my brain, that won't come out my mouth. In such a way, that it doesn't invoke the hostility, even. Wow.

Last one: I'm just now seeing, that my brain only works at it's best with someone else's... that I need feedback, different opinions and ideas, the obvious that I miss so often, while sifting through details. "Brainstorming" in a group is my ideal situation; optimum functioning. Thinking by myself? Too often, that's the blind leading the blind... I haven't picked at that much yet; nor tried to feel my way into understanding if it's even that important... it might not be.

And I'm staying physically busy, to help "processing"... and not "over think" things too much.

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