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I am probably Narcissistic

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Izzy_*now*:
Hi Green Bean,

I think if you wonder if you are a N, then you aren't..... like thinking you are crazy---crazy people don't know they are crazy.

In reading about all these disorders, we can very easily see some of ourselves in each one if we stick to descriptions too much.

I was diagnosed Avoidant, but because I thought maybe I was, did I answer the questions as though I were one?

What about Schizoid? I don't want to be part of my dysfunctional family....so there I am again.

Co-dependant? Then why do I live alone?

Narcissistic? ---just because I  look in a mirror as I pass by... that is more to realize that I am still here and alive (because I don't know who I am, and yes I still look the same)

Oh, there is a Word for me, but I don't know what it is. I know it began in childhood, and that I saw how others behaved so I emulated (N?) but No.... I am a introvert (yessirree) hypersensitive, feel less than all my family, and if a feeling rears it's head, I know it for a day, then put it away and get on with my logical, sensible, black humourous life style. I could never be rude to check out clerks, always ready with a smile and a nice comment, very seldom lose my temper/self-control....

Well I am just odd but have no name for it!

Good Luck

Izzy

Twoapenny:
Hi Green,

I spent a lot of time wondering what 'disorder' I had that was the reason my life wasn't what I wanted it to be.  For me - and this is just me personally, I'm not saying it's the same for everyone - I eventually realised I didn't have a disorder, I'd just been brought up in a weird, screwy house with people who saw the world in a very odd and unpleasant way and who'd done things to me that had hurt so badly I'd had to shut down or cut off whole aspects of myself in order to survive it.

I'm still kind of 'weird'.  Stuff happens to me that I don't want and I ask myself why that happened (again).  I feel uncomfortable around people, I feel I have very little in common with most people I meet, I still have that feeling of sticking out like a sore thumb that I always had as a kid - no right to be there, to have an opinion, a voice, a feeling.  Perhaps someone would give that a name but what I found as I went through psychiatric services here in the UK years ago was that each doctor I saw came up with a different diagnosis.  I think that might be the case with 'disorders'; it's based on opinions and can change depending on who you see (and sometimes, I think, even what's 'in vogue' at the time).

So I've just tried to work on the bits that bothered me the most and to change things about myself on a basic, fundamental level.  It's very much a work in progress but I think the saying is progression, not perfection.  I'm aware of it now, I make conscious efforts to change my patterns and habits, I am trying very hard at the minute to say what I really think or feel to people without thinking about what they think of me (I find that really tough).  But I think even if someone gives 'your life' a name it's still there and it doesn't change because of being able to call it something, other than maybe being easier to try to explain it to other people.

Anyway, I'm not sure if that makes sense (!) but I'm trying to say that we can probably all be diagnosed with something but I don't know if that really helps much, we still need to unpick all the threads and try to remake ourselves in order to make things better, I think xx

Meh:
Yah, I hear you guys, sometimes diagnosis are in vogue an' all.

Part of me does feel the same way, that depending who is the observer the diagnosis could change.

There is half of me that is still well basically suffering or feeling like I just don't fit in STILL at my age. I am 34.
My life is screwed up and I'm still compelled to try and figure out what the herk is wrong with me.

Despite what the world says about embracing the eccentric-ness of the situation ....I feel that life is formulaic.
And my friends that had formulaic lives turned out normal.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201109/day-in-the-life-narcissist

I mean for one thing, I am kind of one of those hyper sensitive people, and I have read that something like 20 percent of babies are that way from the start. But this world really demands that people are bold and tough skinned etc.

In the end I got to ask myself what can I improve and what can I change....and what just isn't going to change about me-- and how do I deal with it.

Whatever it is, even if it's OCD, I haven't been able to get over it...for years. And if I stopped trying to figure it out maybe I would just end up on drugs or kill myself. Or if I ignore it then it is like self delusion which IS a trait of Narcissism.

I mean I have been given Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft, Effexor, Wellbutrin.......and recently have an unfilled prescription for Celexa sitting at the pharmacy that I may never fill due to the experience of Wellbutrin withdrawal. All of that and numerous "fast food" style therapy sessions.

Pretending like I am okay, quietly hiding. Spent most of my life being like that, hasn't worked, problems have only compounded.

Who knows maybe people with personality disorders always have some kind of cognitive dissonance and that creates the anxiety/depression.

Meh:
Yesterday, went to the doctor's office, a sliding scale medical clinic. Took a couple of buses to get over there.

Felt awkward and nervous about bringing it up, but I asked the doctor if I might have a personality disorder as an underlying cause of my anxiety/depression issues.

The doctor said I was being ESOTERIC!! .....What I was asking her was basically, (Hey, I have had this problem for a long time, the pills don't cure it, so is there an underlying cause).....

....I told the doctor that my issues are not esoteric, that I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for years and have tried many medications at this point.

She just diagnosed me with Dysthymia. And I guess the concept Dysthymia was made up by one single dude, and it replaces..."depressive personality"...

I mean I sort of figured this much that the appointment wouldn't be mind blowing.

Apparently medical doctors don't know very much about personality disorders.

She handed me a sheet of paper, as always all I ever get are bogus referrals.
The sheet of paper basically had contacts for students practicing to become therapists.

Told her that I have tried 5 types of antidepressants, have another prescription that I never filled for a 6th anti depressant.
Doctor gives me a list of resources for people who are practicing to develop their careers but are not experienced enough to really help me.

I Feel a little bit like I am having a hard time writing this out I am so frustrated with how medical professionals respond to anxiety and depression.
It's dumb, saying a person has anxiety or depression is just like saying a person has pain.....but PAIN is not a diagnosis it's a symptom

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/causes-depression

Right here above on this WebMD thing says that being cast out of a family can cause depression....I mean isn't that what children of Narcissistic parents have experienced??

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---Right here above on this WebMD thing says that being cast out of a family can cause depression....I mean isn't that what children of Narcissistic parents have experienced??
--- End quote ---

Just some random thoughts on depression:

Depression because bad things happen to you, doesn't "get better" or go away through drugs, IMO. Depression because something in one's brain doesn't quite connect -- might.

As people "grow up" and stop being dependent on their families... there is another kind of distance that's a normal part of being an adult. Could be (it was for me) that being "cast out" can become one of a person's greatest strength. I didn't think it was, though. Not for years and years.

When a person is trying to sort out all the bits of colored yarn that became our tangled-up selves... and trying to put them in some functional order (which isn't OCD; just being "neat") it would appear that the "mess" is hopelessly jumbled and it's an overwhelming task. (hmm... right there kinda includes the list of "symptoms" that defines "depression", huh?? But IS self-work depression, in reality? Or are sad, lonely, angry feelings really just a part of life -- for everyone? Maybe self-work simply requires starting with one strand of yarn - pick one, anyone, there is no "right" one - and going through the thoughts, memories, and feelings - from a sense of Present Moment in the Now.

That was then; this is now. What we thought THEN and what we think NOW can be worlds apart. Same with the feelings, sometimes, too.

Yeah, doing self-work seems (to the person doing it sometimes) like we're so self-involved that we must be N. Shoot. If you were N, you wouldn't be depressed about your life at all! It would be all rainbows and unicorns and peace on earth, coz you simply said "it is so"...  LOL.

Maybe you just need to relax about being YOU. Don't worry about defining who YOU are. Just BE. No standards, no rules, no process... that can come later, after you can accept how you feel... being you. (and a little secret? lots of people have to learn how to do that... so there's  nothing wrong with you in regards to where you rate and compare on this scale, either.)

Hang in there... you're definitely on your path. We all "get there" at different times and stages of our lives, by roundabout ways.

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