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Confused about my T feelings - please advise

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Ales2:
I feel silly posting this, but here goes. I think I understand it, but when I post here, I get really good, helpful answers that I had not considered and its very validating.

Anyway, so one thing left over my from T was that when I was wallowing in self pity, usually over things I missed, that I tried hard for but never got, a house, marriage and my own family, certain successful projects in my career that I worked for but never got anywhere with...anger with my NMom for having discouraged me in these things and me not being smart to see her undermining. I know that I sounded jealous of those people who had it and achieved it, kind of like a "have-not". Self pity, jealousy, disappointment with my own lack of achievement..etc.

I got weird feelings from him. Some was:
his judgment of me for wallowing in self pity, jealousy, disappointment;
some was like a cruel irony like I don't deserve it or are not capable of it anyway (which really hurt)
some was lack of compassion or validation for my feelings of failure and despair
some was just feeling awkward, hurt and taken advantage of, I opened up to him more than any other person, trusted him and I got nothing in return from him

I'm still hurt obviously (this was 2010 and 2011), and I dont get what he was trying to do. He made me feel much worse, and feel foolish for trusting him with my feelings, but I wonder if this was some exercise or strategy like he'd let me vent and I'd outgrow it? If so, that makes me mad because it was not helpful at all. I feel more and confused and hurt than when I went in.

Anyone have any thoughts on this --- i.e my feelings or his actions?

Ales2:
Thats why I was there - to resolve my problems and work towards self improvement or achieving what I was capable of and that did not happen. Im confused - no guidance means no progress.

Twoapenny:
Hi Ales,

I don't think I'm able to explain or guess as to why your T said or did things that made you feel that way, but I do think it showed he wasn't doing a very good job.

I had numerous sessions with my T about things I'd missed out on, people who'd taken advantage of my inability to say no, my lack of drive and ambition, my inability to finish projects and my, at times, seething jealousy of people who had the things I didn't.  I hated that I couldn't feel happy for people who'd done well or just be glad that they had nice families.

My T was sympathetic, understanding, helped me understand how early childhood messages can carry over into your adult life (I don't deserve this, I'm not good enough to do this).  We didn't work on it endlessly, it came up and went away again over a long period of time.  I still find I have pangs over people who have an 'easy' life, although one thing I have realised is that a lot of people have a lot more problems than they let on or that can be seen from the outside.

So in short I think what your T was doing was inappropriate and unprofessional and I'm not suprised that it still bothers you.  I have seen therapists in the past who have done more harm than good and it's a bit of a minefield out there.  I hope you are able to find someone else you can talk things through with who will help you get back on your feet again? xxx

BonesMS:
One thing I've noticed regarding therapists.....not all of them GET IT when we attempt to discuss being a survivor of an N....especially an N-Womb-Donor.  They can't seem to wrap their brains around the fact that those who gave birth do not automatically become mothers.  THEY NEVER WERE MOTHERS!

Bones

Hopalong:
I think I relate, Ales...maybe because I'm both so long in the tooth and so, errr, challenged...I've seen a LOT of Ts since my 20s.

Now and then, there would be one who just could barely sit still when I really got going on my pain (or self-pity). I think the problem was that neither that person, nor I, in that period, could tell the difference. What is whining? What is grieving? What is wallowing? What is walking wounded?

Usually, when a deep vein of pain was simply tapped, and I sat stunned into grief, and showed that depth of sadness...compassion was what I got. But when I really didn't have anything new to say, and more to the point, didn't have any courage to do something different than recycle it...some Ts had more tolerance for that than others. When I was young I also talked really fast, nonstop, just pouring it out nearly breathlessly for 60 minutes...which must've been exhausring to sit with. (And some Ts in this world, actually dislike some of their clients. They're human too. And yet, they don't "recuse" themselves, so everybody sits there in misery until the client gives up and moves on. I think the most skilled T is able to help even someone they don't personally like very much, and can hide those feelings from the client, and still do the great beautiful work of helping that client get "unstuck.")

Some Ts are in the field because they love humanity (like Doc G). Others are in it because they are wounded themselves, searching for their own healing, and that's okay, who isn't...but some project their frustrations with their own wounds onto clients.

I think Bones has an important point about lack of comprehension about the sock-monkey feeling many children of Nmothers have.

I think finding someone new is important, and sharing with them exactly what you've written here. If there's a "click" of understanding, that new T may help you move forward.

love
Hops
PS--I think some problems are solved, and some evolve. And that it takes as long as it takes. But the finish line's foggy.

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