Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
My brother and just life and stuff
Meh:
Well Today is my day off of work, so I guess I better go to do my errands, going to pack up the lap top and take it along with me etc.
Meh:
Been asking myself why I still come here and if I even should because typically I come here and kind of complain about things that are bothering me etc.
So today I started thinking about that.
I think some of it comes from aloneness. So it seems I have identified a definition for some of my family background that I hope is overall something from the past and if it is from a different time I should/could/would or have moved on.
What I struggle with now overall is aloneness. I think if I wasn't feeling so alone in every endeavor that life wouldn't be quite as stressful possibly, maybe each little thing just wouldn't seem like impending doom.
I always feel like my life is holding on by a thread and I'm only a blink away from some kind of disaster that is out of my control.
Overall that is how I feel alone and out of control. Though, I have some tools. I have a functioning lap top which does help me to at least be connected to information.
Today at work I left early because I was having some kind of issue. If I had to explain it I would say that it's quite likely it was an anxiety attack though I'm not 100% sure sometimes panic attacks seem really legitimate. I went back to my desk two times trying to stay but just needed to leave telling the human resources person that I was going to go see a doctor though I then realized that the community health clinic which I had gone to a couple of times before takes no walk in patients whatsoever. I know that I do not need to see a doctor when I am having an anxiety attack though I felt like I had some kind of lump in my throat. When I left work I had a headache, a jaw-ache and literally could feel the tension in my face muscles and I still feel my jaw clenching.
Anyways there are some other things I must complete this evening. So I will go. I think I write here because maybe in my imagination it is like talking to an imaginary friend. I really don't know.
I have only stayed 3 days at my current rental place and already it seems like a place where I better do my best to cut my losses.
This morning the other "renter" was having a conversation with the rentee.....she is an older woman in her late 60's and it sounds like she was told she needs to move into a smaller room. As far as I can tell there are 4 rooms two of which were occupied by herself and her kid. It seems like she was trying to have the kid sleep downstairs in the living room or somewhere? So she could rent out 3 rooms.
It's not a large house. She told me she was 80,000 in debt. She only works two days a week. When I was leaving for work this morning she was running a bath and then she was back in bed watching TV.
Feeling not good about it all.
XOXO from me to me?
Hopalong:
I ain't imaginary.
I care about you, Boat.
I had acute panic attacks for years...horriblehorrible.
And haven't had one in a decade or more. It will get better.
I think you're smart to recognize that aloneness IS a risk factor
in life. As much as poverty or mental illness. If writing here, sometimes
more or less, helps that even momentarily, it's worth doing, imo.
I know loneliness drove me here in the first place, and talking
(to myself, the ether, AND my VSMB companions) -- eases it.
Meanwhile, getting various little clarities about myself one step at a time,
has helped me a lot to also do new things in 3D world, to help
my life get better.
I hate when it's too gradual and I understand how on the edge you
feel. I hope you will keep trying to find a way to get support,
counseling you can work with, community of some kind. You
have already taken some major steps for yourself in the last
year. Then you had the trauma of your brother...and father.
No wonder you're feeling additional inner stress, on top of
work, crap housing. That's emotional wounding that CAN heal.
You're right that human connection insulates you from disaster.
I will keep you in my thoughts and light,
Hops
Meh:
Thanks Hops
Meh:
Today I signed paperwork to transition from a contract employee to a regular, no major change in benefits or wage so it was rather pointless. Stressful also.
I'm tired of change. especially when it is not particularly gratifying
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