My ex died and the aftermath stirs up old wounds

[sea storm]

I had no heard from my ex narcissist partner for a long time as he married the woman he married after having an affair with her while he was with me. His daughter called me out of the blue and said that she did not want me to hear of his death through the obituary. I was shocked at hearing from her and all of it.

I read the obituary and just about fell through the floor.In it his wife says that he loved many women and in the end he found his true first mate and what a sterling guy he was.  no one who knew him for a long time commented on the obituary. Several women who had loved him and been dumped showed up at his funeral. His children did not talk to him for a year before he died. He was not interested in his new twin grandsons.  He said he had porphyria but he lied about everything. I think that was true and what a horrible way to go.

I think the obituary was his wife's last revenge. She just raved about how wonderful he was and all the people he had maimed were just stunned. It was not the man we knew. I guess she did not experience the downside or she lied. Just more of a mind bender.

[sKePTiKal]

I guess she did not experience the downside or she lied. Just more of a mind bender.

Or she's got a long journey back to reality-based perceptions, Sea...

Big hugs...

Amber

[Twoapenny]

Sea, my mum's exactly like that, she's married to a serial adulterer, child molester, tax dodger, general piece of filth who serves no useful purpose, yet she's stood by him, defended him and won't hear a word said against him because he's her 'one and only' and he loves her like no other, in her wibbly wobbly world.  Some people just don't see what's going on under their noses or look at the reality around them.  I guess it's how some people cope.  Hope you're doing okay xx

[Hopalong]

Yikes, Sea.

I'll bet the glowing obit (and how inappropriate to mention he'd "loved many women" -- sheesh!) was more about her protecting her own self-image. It's terrifying sometimes to face it when we choose someone of bad character...what does that say about us?

For whatever old griefs revisit you, sending comfort...this is how the passages go.

Be extra kind to yourself while the past pays a visit. It won't stay.

(And when you're up for it, would love to hear more about your present life and hopes.)

love,
Hops

[sea storm]

Thankyou for your kind and insightful words.

They are very helpful. Amazingly so.

It is so difficult to see things that are too close for us.
He died on December 23, 2012. 
It is better that he is gone. What kind of love is that?  It seems there was always a way for him to do some little lightning bolt that would affect me way too much.  I continued to both love and hate him.

I spoke to him on the phone in early December and he said he was on his way to the hospital. His wife was there and she was annoyed and saying come on!!! lets go.   He said NO. I have to say something. He said," I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart."  I thought it was because I sent him a tape about fishing that his dead friend made. But he said No, I mean I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart". Those were the last words he ever spoke to me.

I don't know what he meant. I kept his secrets from the new wife and I could have said terrible things. But I don't know. However, the dying words of someone are not to be questioned and if he was just saying thanks, then ok.  His poor wife probably had to put up with lots of women contacting him and they all thought they were the one. He was a natural schemer juggling lots of lives and people and lightning fast. Faster than a person who is not much of a schemer.

Now i think that the love I had for him was my own, a reflection of who I was and not a stupide reckless self destroying love.  The joy I felt was my joy.  hard to explain.  I can keep the good part becasue I am slowly coming out of the trance.of being his psychic slave.