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I cannot believe my family@!!@@@!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Izzy_*now*:
I cannot believe my family! I had named my brother, now 70 and 2000 miles away, as secondary POA and Trustee of my Estate.

After a number of years and now my settlement, it was time to review my Will. Because he is the youngest sibling, (eldest being 79) and the wisest, I had chosen him, but now we are 2000 miles apart and he is 70, with 4 heart attacks under his belt. I removed him as secondary and notified him. My new lawyer agreed with my decision and also notified him. My brother responded to me with, that is was all right, as settling an Estate across country would be difficult!

Apparently he took this as a reason to talk to others about “cutting” him out of my Will, then I hear in a round about way, that he said this to a sister who responded with the fact that my money ought to go to blood relatives.

Well, it is not!

I have a Will that provides for people who are deserving, in need, or for whatever reason he/she might deserve a little something and none are blood relatives.

I am in deep sh** with the whole family now, as my brother was the last to be reasonable, but now he says he love me as a sister, but does not like me as a person.

Am I in their Wills? I doubt it. They all have spouses, children and grandchildren. My D and G’Kids are not in mine after all these years of no attention/contact and I know the deserving people.

I had money left over from my first settlement in 1971 (2 years after that accident in 1969) and no one said a thing except for one sister who came to me to ask if I knew anyone who might loan her $40,000.00, so that she could buy out her estranged and divorcing husband of their jointly owned house. I said I knew no one! (Anything wrong with that? It sure wouldn’t be me!, and my funds were already invested!)

Same sister as first mentioned re this settlement, but I am in worse shape and older. I haven’t sent it yet, as it is 4:27 in the a.m. here, 7:27 in the a.m. there,  but I listed some expenses of mine and this was the first.:

I’ll make you a deal: send me before and after pictures for proof, of your bathroom, pay cash, $7,600.00 for a bath lift and install it in your tub , for your decrepit old age, and the receipt that you did pay cash for it + tax + installation and I will write you a cheque for the cost!
Bath lift $ 7,600.00 + +

I went on to list numerous things, saying that I had paid for them from my pocket and had to wait 4 years to be reimbursed, for a total of about $75,000.00. I also said “You tell me if YOU could survive an accident that puts you as a 98% shut-in and wait for 4 years to have that money returned to you. The money is NOT for frivolity! It is to afford one a life, as comfortable as can be, considering the vehicular injuries caused by another person.”

I certainly feel sorry for a person in my place who does NOT have the finances to carry them until the claim is settled and are likely settle for too little, too quickly.

Does anyone have an opposing opinion on siblings, daughter, grandchildren who didn’t mention a damn about my losing the use of my arms for about 2 months, but are concerned about my money going elsewhere?

I am really flabbergasted about the family, each of the other 4 having a spouse, 2 children, grandchildren, while I have struggled through 44 years of this on my own, never once asking for their help!-----------------
-------------but there is a degree of freedom that my brother has finally shown his true colours, so that he fits in with the 3 sisters. I hung in a bit because of him now no more and feel another load off my shoulders.

I should write a book!

Xx
Izzy

lighter:
Izz:

I'm so sorry your family rarely fails to disappoint.

And hasn't that been an ongoing pattern since your first accident?

It seems your brother jumped to the conclusion he'd been disinherited, opposed to let off the hook as named executor of your will, then talked about it behind your back with other family members?

A shame, bc it sounds like his actions accomplished his fear.

As for the other sibs..... I can't quite discern what happened from your post.  From what I read, it looked like your sibs never offered you help, though you were in the more vulnerable position, and that they actually asked you to help them. 

Let's face it, you're probably a lot stronger, and capable than they are.  Even with your history, and health issues.

I wish you could be prepared before hand every time you have contact with your family.  I wish their conduct didn't shock and disappoint so badly. 

It seems that you've adjusted your expectations, and yet you're still shocked when they do what they've always done. 

So sorry, but remember how limited they are.  Forgive them if you can, and try remember they're unlikely to change.

Lighter

Twoapenny:
Aw, Izzie, I am sorry, money can really bring out the worst in some people.

Personally I feel the way that you do - I don't have a lot of money but what I do have I'd rather leave to people who really need then to other people I know.  I don't know anybody personally who needs money, but I know of lots of people with health problems and various other difficulties who can't afford to buy specialist equipment and so on and they are the sort of people I would like to benefit from anything I can leave.

It's a shame they can't talk to you directly about the way they feel or keep quiet altogether - I always feel that sort of Chinese whispers thing that goes on in some families is very destructive and difficult to deal with.  But you shouldn't feel guilty about any of the choices that you make, your money is yours to do whatever you want with it and it's nothing to do with anybody else. xxx

Izzy_*now*:
Hi lighter and twoapenny,

What I have seen, starting with the first accident was that the severity of it was as though I just had my tonsils removed!  No need to mention, as I'd be fit and well in a week or so.  As far a help was concerned, I never asked for any, as time slowly took care of how things would be and I managed.

What I noticed is that no one mentioned/asked how I felt about all this, what did I plan on doing, was there anything they could do for me, would I go back to work after rehabilitation was over---those kinds of things. I think I sensed, back then, that someone  might be afraid I would be "living with them, dependent for the rest of my life." I also agree with you lighter, that perhaps they felt if it were one of them, they couldn't handle it, so 'stay away in case it is a transmittable disease. Then I get "paid for it". I also sense that I could have been too proud to ask for help, just for the sake of it, if I didn't need it. That would have set up a wrong pattern. We were no more than 200 miles apart, the different sibs.

40 years later it happens again. now we are 2000 miles apart and I am older, but I have my helpers here Again I get "paid for it", but if each had a chance to try it out,  he/she would choose the life already theirs. I didn't mail that email to my sister, the last being a reply to my brother, a week ago, Cc all. No response. In a sense there is relief as he was the only hold out re always emailing pleasant emails, although not often. "When the chips are down...."

Back about 1985, a school mate of my D's diving in his pool, broke his neck. Now a quadriplegic. She wanted to go to the hospital to see him and telephoned me ask "what to do". I suggested that at least acknowledge his accident and the severity of it but don't dwell on it, take a wee gift, and don't promise to be coming to see him always, if she didn't plan on it. (Some people make it once, some barrage and some don't come at all. There must be a happy medium.)

I've been feeling well, sleeping well, and keeping busy, so being an only child is not so bad at all!

Love
Izzy

Hopalong:
Ohh, Izz.
I'm really sorry.
I'd say your bio-family members tend to be about as sensitive as turnips.
And there's no nuance available when it's all email, either. All at a distance.

Sheesh.
I can so profoundly relate. The very word "family" is painful to me.

I love the advice you gave about not faking an interest, or making false
promises. Direct and fair.

The happy -- VERY happy -- part is hearing how much better you feel!

I hope you're up to your chin in sunshine and new energy.
You deserve to ENJOY.

Hops

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