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N communication dynamic to be aware of
Ales2:
Hello to all my friends here at the Board:
While visiting my NMother last month on her birthday (she is 77 now, I am 45), I noticed a communication dynamic, a negative communication pattern, that has existed between us for years. For some reason, I saw it with a new clarity and wanted to share this discovery. This is an abstract description, to understand the dynamic, not necessarily the argument itself.
I present a problem or complain about how I was treated
---NMom doesnt empathize or understand
---NMom blames me, invalidates me, tells me I'm oversensitive
---NMom discourages my assertiveness in the situation
---NMom has a negative bias, can't be objective, uses faulty reasoning so a solution is never found, problem not resolved and frequently, the problem repeats with another person/situation.
I don't get validated, my problems don't get solved, I feel demoralized, frustrated and depressed.
NMom is then surprised to hear that I don't feel supported or understood.
Okay, if you have ever been in this dynamic with a Narcissist, especially a parent, but it could also be a boss or sibling, or other significant relationship, its a very vicious circle. Im old enough now where I am aware, it doesn't bother me anymore, I know I cannot ever discuss my problems with my Mother (Im an adult, so I don't, but growing up with her was impossible and now I know why!). Its actually a relief to see it written out, because it all makes perfect sense now.
Im so grateful I now see it for what it is....
All the best to everybody here for a great 2014!
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Ales2 on January 10, 2014, 01:41:57 AM ---Hello to all my friends here at the Board:
While visiting my NMother last month on her birthday (she is 77 now, I am 45), I noticed a communication dynamic, a negative communication pattern, that has existed between us for years. For some reason, I saw it with a new clarity and wanted to share this discovery. This is an abstract description, to understand the dynamic, not necessarily the argument itself.
I present a problem or complain about how I was treated
---NMom doesnt empathize or understand
---NMom blames me, invalidates me, tells me I'm oversensitive
---NMom discourages my assertiveness in the situation
---NMom has a negative bias, can't be objective, uses faulty reasoning so a solution is never found, problem not resolved and frequently, the problem repeats with another person/situation.
I don't get validated, my problems don't get solved, I feel demoralized, frustrated and depressed.
NMom is then surprised to hear that I don't feel supported or understood.
Okay, if you have ever been in this dynamic with a Narcissist, especially a parent, but it could also be a boss or sibling, or other significant relationship, its a very vicious circle. Im old enough now where I am aware, it doesn't bother me anymore, I know I cannot ever discuss my problems with my Mother (Im an adult, so I don't, but growing up with her was impossible and now I know why!). Its actually a relief to see it written out, because it all makes perfect sense now.
Im so grateful I now see it for what it is....
All the best to everybody here for a great 2014!
--- End quote ---
I had a very similar scenario, last night, trying to talk to two politicians. The end result left me feeling frustrated and ANGRY!
Ales2:
Hello Bones,
and Happy New Year to you. Thanks for your response, I appreciate it.
I sympathize with your experience with politicians. Since Pols tend to be Ns, its very common. They dont understand, they blame the victim, they discourage folks from using the system or going to a higher authority, cant look clearly at what is occurring beyond their political bias and nothing gets resolved. Same old, same old.
With an Nparent, its worse, as these are the people who should TRY their damnedest to understand and validate their own kids, but dont, see the kids as the cause of the problem (if someone was rude to me I must have deserved it) and discouraging your kids from asserting themself and calling that "troublemaking" is a lifelong handicap in work and relationships that I struggle with to this day. Nothing was ever resolved for me from talking with my Mother. I never had the support other kids did and its hurt me enormously. And she wonders why she doesnt have the mother worship she thinks she deserves.
So much of a relief to understand this.... you have no idea. Best gift ever. Im free.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Ales2 on January 10, 2014, 10:37:58 AM ---Hello Bones,
and Happy New Year to you. Thanks for your response, I appreciate it.
I sympathize with your experience with politicians. Since Pols tend to be Ns, its very common. They don't understand, they blame the victim, they discourage folks from using the system or going to a higher authority, cant look clearly at what is occurring beyond their political bias and nothing gets resolved. Same old, same old.
With an Nparent, its worse, as these are the people who should TRY their damnedest to understand and validate their own kids, but don't, see the kids as the cause of the problem (if someone was rude to me I must have deserved it) and discouraging your kids from asserting themselves and calling that "trouble-making" is a lifelong handicap in work and relationships that I struggle with to this day. Nothing was ever resolved for me from talking with my Mother. I never had the support other kids did and its hurt me enormously. And she wonders why she doesn't have the mother worship she thinks she deserves.
So much of a relief to understand this.... you have no idea. Best gift ever. I'm free.
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Ales2. I can relate as NWombDonor also used the same tactics of attempting to discourage me from asserting myself when a neighbor was blasting their stereo through my ceiling and accused ME of "trouble-making". She ignored the fact that I had just gotten home from being hospitalized with injuries and being blasted out of bed by a neighbor's stereo was intolerable. Yeah, she was a DUMB BITCH!
Meh:
No resolution and it's on-going. This describes it for me also Ales.
Except that my last straw blew away so I've gone to a new plain where most of the time I'm emotionally disinvolved at this point. Yep
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