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N communication dynamic to be aware of
SilverLining:
Hi Ales. That's been a common communication pattern for me with both of my parents. I finally started to see it in my forties. They were both too self absorbed to ever be much concerned with any problems I brought up. But when they did acknowledge an issue, it was either trivialized or blamed on me. I should do something different, act differently, BE something different in order to solve my problems. But of course THEIR problems were always the fault of something outside themselves. Situations or people outside themselves had to change in order for them to be happy. So they applied an incredible double standard.
With N's as parents, our problems are our problems, and also their problems are our problems. Is it any wonder life with them is so demoralizing?
My mother is also 77 this year. The combination of age and narcissism is really showing. She yaps constantly about her own problems without acknowledging others. Iin my fifties I'm finally gaining some mental distance from the situation.
Ales2:
Bones, Yes the NWombDonor! Ugh.........
GreenBean - no resolution its so very frustrating!
Green and SilverLining....mental distance, Yes x 100. Its the only way.
All the best to all of you!
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Ales2 on January 12, 2014, 12:17:31 AM ---Bones, Yes the NWombDonor! Ugh.........
GreenBean - no resolution its so very frustrating!
Green and SilverLining....mental distance, Yes x 100. Its the only way.
All the best to all of you!
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Ales2.
Twoapenny:
Mmm you've just described just about every conversation I ever had with my mum, Ales!
The ones I found particularly hard where the ones where I was becoming aware of how bad things were and asking (begging at times) for her to change her ways because I felt I didn't want to be around her anymore. She just couldn't do it. She couldn't hear me, she couldn't see where I was coming from and she couldn't, couldn't change. She's lost so many people over the years because of this. It's like watching someone clinging to a ship that's sinking and refusing to let go, even though there's a lifeboat there they can swim to.
One of the key conversations I had with her was the first time I told her how much she hurt me with the things she said and did. I was crying so much. I really loved my mum. I didn't want to lose her, I just wanted her to stop doing the things that hurt me. But it was like talking a different language, she just kept saying that people had spoken to her like that all her life, her mother had always told her she was stupid, etc, etc, like a broken record. When I said "but it must upset you mum, wouldn't you like people to stop doing that, can't you see that it's not right for you to do it to when you know it upsets you" she'd just repeat the same thing again.
I don't know. I've kind of got to a place now, I think, where I just feel sad for her that she's never been able to do what we're all doing, which is to at least try and change things and make our lives better. The good thing about spotting those sort of patterns, I think, is that you can try and avoid people who do it and mix more with people who don't.
Happy new year to you too, Ales.
Ales2:
Thanks Two... your post is insightful!
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