Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Just when you thought it was safe .............................
lighter:
Wow,(( Tupp.))
It feels good just to write it all out, and get it outside your head, doesn't it?
Your mum isn't ever going to understand, or listen or protect you... she'll always choose manipulation, control and harm.
So wise, what you wrote about her not asking you what you need, want or feel..... it's always going to be about her, and control.
She's broken.
She can't do any better.
She's never going to be able to.
I'm glad you don't feel you need to respond.
I think she's taken enough from you already.
Lighter
Meh:
Yah, I am glad for this place too. Thanks G
Tup, my experience isn't so much that it felt easier for me to have the closed gate with family because that also equaled me not having a family-- though the more I took space and time away from them I was more able to see the situation from a less -entangled perspective and the more clear their problems appeared to me.
Now I feel like I have the problem of being family-less and alienated but Ces't la vie.. I will have to work on that as one of my own issues.
When my brother died the response that my mother and father had wasn't a "hiatus" from their shenanigans-- it was more of an clearer pain to see that even in my brother's death.. their behavior was the same.
I think what we really need is alternative surrogated experience ... not really like a surrogate mother... just good friends, or good community... Or personal peace or something.
Good luck. It's a constant rat race :P
Wishes for getting beyond the bailing water point and have some smooth sailing ahead :P (or actually that is how I feel)
I guess for you it is congratulations on holding your ground and creating space and a life for you and your son. :) Kids totally deserve to be free and happy :)
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on February 11, 2014, 05:51:46 PM ---Wow,(( Tupp.))
It feels good just to write it all out, and get it outside your head, doesn't it?
Your mum isn't ever going to understand, or listen or protect you... she'll always choose manipulation, control and harm.
So wise, what you wrote about her not asking you what you need, want or feel..... it's always going to be about her, and control.
She's broken.
She can't do any better.
She's never going to be able to.
I'm glad you don't feel you need to respond.
I think she's taken enough from you already.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Ha, me too! I do feel sad about it - not having a mum (or any family, really) is tough. But the choice is abuse and negating myself or being on my own and it's definitely the latter for me.
On a more positive note - I don't know if it's coincidence or if something has shifted on some small level because of my lack of reaction to her getting in touch, but I have been chucking out loads of stuff that I've hung onto in case she made more accusations against me. I've accumulated lots of stuff that 'proves' I'm educating my son well and 'proves' he has problems and 'proves' I'm not crazy, and I've hung onto for years longer than was necessary. I don't mean things that might help if/when the lawyers get involved, but for example I'd buy reference books that my son isn't interested in (and that we don't need because we can look stuff up online or go to the library) but they make the room look 'schoolish' so I'd get them to try to stave off future accusations. But this week I've just felt like they're not necessary; they're part of her thing, not mine, so they've all gone to the charity shop.
On a similar note I've been clearing out examples of my passive approach to life (only just realising just how passive I've been over the years). There's loads of stuff that people have given me or that I've picked up just in case we might need it, and very little that's been about me thinking 'I really want to do that' and going out and getting the stuff I need. So there's more boxes of stuff for either the charity shop or the dump. I just don't feel as frightened anymore.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Green Bean on February 11, 2014, 10:04:46 PM ---Yah, I am glad for this place too. Thanks G
Tup, my experience isn't so much that it felt easier for me to have the closed gate with family because that also equaled me not having a family-- though the more I took space and time away from them I was more able to see the situation from a less -entangled perspective and the more clear their problems appeared to me.
Now I feel like I have the problem of being family-less and alienated but Ces't la vie.. I will have to work on that as one of my own issues.
When my brother died the response that my mother and father had wasn't a "hiatus" from their shenanigans-- it was more of an clearer pain to see that even in my brother's death.. their behavior was the same.
I think what we really need is alternative surrogated experience ... not really like a surrogate mother... just good friends, or good community... Or personal peace or something.
Good luck. It's a constant rat race :P
Wishes for getting beyond the bailing water point and have some smooth sailing ahead :P (or actually that is how I feel)
I guess for you it is congratulations on holding your ground and creating space and a life for you and your son. :) Kids totally deserve to be free and happy :)
--- End quote ---
I know exactly where you're coming from there, Green, not having a family is tough and just not having one makes you feel like the odd one out in so many situations. But I suppose you're caught between a rock and a hard place - it's either accept a lot of abusive behaviour or be on your own. Neither one is a great option.
I agree that a surrogate/replacement family would be/is wonderful. Like you, though, I do find relationships hard work, although it is starting to get a little bit easier, I must admit (about time!). And yes, smooth sailing - wouldn't that be wonderful :)
I think my son has been pivotal in my getting my life together. He is so much happier than I ever was at that age (or any age, to be honest) and that alone is a really big incentive for me.
Here's wishing your smooth sailing comes sooner rather than later xx
lighter:
Tupp:
Hear! Hear! to chucking out old stuff, and making space for things you actually use.
We've been doing the same here..... the garage got a top to bottom clean out.
Walls washed down.... windows.... trim. Huge lift in spirits.
It's time for phase II.... getting rid of less obvious items.
Here comes Spring!
lighter
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