Stepping Into The Unknown

[Hopalong]

If she's not doing anything new or currently-damaging to you or your boy,
is it worth it?

On the other hand, if she IS (and it's very clear), why not? Subtle stuff
that can be argued away, probably not. But overt false reports and stuff
like that...maybe yes.

I wish "gaslighting" were a criminal offense, or even a misdemeanor...
but I think you have to legally prove stalking, or threat, for police help.
For libel or more difficult to characterize behavior, lawyers...ugh.

xo
Hops

[lighter]

Tupp:

I'm in same boat with these decisions.

Can you change your name, and leave that part of the country?

Lighter

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks, Bonesie (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Had a callback from a solicitor who thinks they might be able to help.  We didn't both have a free time at the same time this week so will speak to them next week.  Am going round in circles a bit trying to find a way to stop my mum - I think the problem is such an unusual one that it doesn't fit into any categories and the organisations I've approached so far didn't really know what to suggest.  Haven't had definite no's yet but no definite 'yes' from anyone either. If the worst comes to the worst I can always stack all the paperwork against her front door so she can't get out the house   Have a counselling appointment at a sexual abuse clinic tomorrow.  Not sure if that's going to help or hinder at the moment!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm standing with you and there is strength in numbers! 

Thanks, Bones!  (((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So far - nothing's happened!  Appointment at the sexual abuse clinic went well and therapist was lovely but there's an eight month wait to be seen so I'm now on the list.  Haven't heard back from any of the sols I contacted yet.

Am having some thoughts about going to the police and/or getting an injunction against my mum.

At the moment, life is good.  We are happier and in a better position than we have been for a very long time.  If the police take action against her, it will be stressful.  If they don't, it will be stressful.  If I go for an injunction and fail I think she will come back harder.  If we get an injunction I imagine she can get round it by making anonyomous calls from phone boxes - they wouldn't be able to prove it was her and so wouldn't be able to do anything about it.  I think anything to do with her will be stressful, so my thinking at the minute is how much stress is it worth taking?  Trying to weigh up the pros and cons of either trying to take action against her or assigning it all to our past and leaving it there.

i don't have to make a decision about any of it within any sort of time frame so I'm just going to let it whirl around my head until I feel I know what I want to do.

Just for today...........

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Twoapenny]

If she's not doing anything new or currently-damaging to you or your boy,
is it worth it?

On the other hand, if she IS (and it's very clear), why not? Subtle stuff
that can be argued away, probably not. But overt false reports and stuff
like that...maybe yes.

I wish "gaslighting" were a criminal offense, or even a misdemeanor...
but I think you have to legally prove stalking, or threat, for police help.
For libel or more difficult to characterize behavior, lawyers...ugh.

xo

Hi Hopsie,

That's exactly what I keep thinking.  On a practical level I'm not sure there's much more she can do now - I think she's tried pretty much everything and, whilst it has caused a lot of problems, stress, hassle etc, she hasn't 'won' in the sense that I've been able to prove she was lying.  I'm not sure there are any more public sector agencies she can go to.  Plus I've bombarded everyone we're involved with with info on the situation so they're aware.

I think what keeps going through my mind is I wonder if I owe it to my son to try?  But equally I'm aware that I have that thing because no-one ever tried to protect me when I was a child, perhaps I'm doing too much trying to protect him?  Trying to right the wrongs of the past, as it were.  And of course, when I'm focusing time, attention and money on her then I'm not focusing it on him.  There have been times when that was necessary.  Not sure now if that's the case.

As I say, I don't have to make any decisions quickly, there's nothing pressing that I need to address so I'm hoping that my gut will guide me - our instincts usually give us the right answer, don't they?

One thing I have noticed - which I wasn't prepared for - is that I realised I don't actually want to see her punished - it wouldn't make me feel good.  If I took an action and it were successful then it would mean something being done to her - she'd have to spend a lot of money fighting it, she might even get a prison sentence if the courts decided to make an example of her.  I know she's never given a monkey's about the damage she's done to us but I wouldn't feel good about seeing damage done to her, if you know what I mean?  Again, I don't know if that's a 'she's my mum, I daren't go against her' or a grown up Tup saying "okay, it was bad but I've dealt with it, we're fine and it won't give me any pleasure to see you squirm".  So no decisions made yet!  Will keep thinking it through and talking it over

Thank you! xx
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

I'm in same boat with these decisions.

Can you change your name, and leave that part of the country?

Lighter

Hi Lighter,

I know, your situation makes me think about mine from a different perspective sometimes.  Part of me wonders now if I took action and lost would she come after me for visitation rights? Or custody??  It's all those unknowns, isn't it, that you have no control over but that have huge control over you.  Very tricky situations to deal with.  So tiring.

I could change my name and move, but I don't want to.  That's the stubborn Irish pride in me.  I love my name!  And I've got some nice friends where we live at the moment.  We will move at some point but I want to do it when it's good for us.  I think it annoys her more to have me living across the road and everyone seeing how well we're doing.

What is going on with your situation now?

[Twoapenny]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks, Bonesie (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Had a callback from a solicitor who thinks they might be able to help.  We didn't both have a free time at the same time this week so will speak to them next week.  Am going round in circles a bit trying to find a way to stop my mum - I think the problem is such an unusual one that it doesn't fit into any categories and the organisations I've approached so far didn't really know what to suggest.  Haven't had definite no's yet but no definite 'yes' from anyone either. If the worst comes to the worst I can always stack all the paperwork against her front door so she can't get out the house   Have a counselling appointment at a sexual abuse clinic tomorrow.  Not sure if that's going to help or hinder at the moment!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm standing with you and there is strength in numbers! 

Thanks, Bones!  (((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So far - nothing's happened!  Appointment at the sexual abuse clinic went well and therapist was lovely but there's an eight month wait to be seen so I'm now on the list.  Haven't heard back from any of the sols I contacted yet.

Am having some thoughts about going to the police and/or getting an injunction against my mum.

At the moment, life is good.  We are happier and in a better position than we have been for a very long time.  If the police take action against her, it will be stressful.  If they don't, it will be stressful.  If I go for an injunction and fail I think she will come back harder.  If we get an injunction I imagine she can get round it by making anonyomous calls from phone boxes - they wouldn't be able to prove it was her and so wouldn't be able to do anything about it.  I think anything to do with her will be stressful, so my thinking at the minute is how much stress is it worth taking?  Trying to weigh up the pros and cons of either trying to take action against her or assigning it all to our past and leaving it there.

i don't have to make a decision about any of it within any sort of time frame so I'm just going to let it whirl around my head until I feel I know what I want to do.

Just for today...........

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yep, just for today!  Things are quite calm at the minute.  I'm not used to having calm in my life.  I like it!

(((((((((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks, Bonesie (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Had a callback from a solicitor who thinks they might be able to help.  We didn't both have a free time at the same time this week so will speak to them next week.  Am going round in circles a bit trying to find a way to stop my mum - I think the problem is such an unusual one that it doesn't fit into any categories and the organisations I've approached so far didn't really know what to suggest.  Haven't had definite no's yet but no definite 'yes' from anyone either. If the worst comes to the worst I can always stack all the paperwork against her front door so she can't get out the house   Have a counselling appointment at a sexual abuse clinic tomorrow.  Not sure if that's going to help or hinder at the moment!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm standing with you and there is strength in numbers! 

Thanks, Bones!  (((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So far - nothing's happened!  Appointment at the sexual abuse clinic went well and therapist was lovely but there's an eight month wait to be seen so I'm now on the list.  Haven't heard back from any of the sols I contacted yet.

Am having some thoughts about going to the police and/or getting an injunction against my mum.

At the moment, life is good.  We are happier and in a better position than we have been for a very long time.  If the police take action against her, it will be stressful.  If they don't, it will be stressful.  If I go for an injunction and fail I think she will come back harder.  If we get an injunction I imagine she can get round it by making anonyomous calls from phone boxes - they wouldn't be able to prove it was her and so wouldn't be able to do anything about it.  I think anything to do with her will be stressful, so my thinking at the minute is how much stress is it worth taking?  Trying to weigh up the pros and cons of either trying to take action against her or assigning it all to our past and leaving it there.

i don't have to make a decision about any of it within any sort of time frame so I'm just going to let it whirl around my head until I feel I know what I want to do.

Just for today...........

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yep, just for today!  Things are quite calm at the minute.  I'm not used to having calm in my life.  I like it!

(((((((((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp,
For your senile pal here, when you say "stop my Mum"...
can you explain a little more specifically,
"Stop my Mum from doing [action] __________"

I mean, I understand her pattern in the past was false
allegations about your mental health and maternal fitness,
and intruding into your son's medical files and history.
I think I get all that.

But what it is that she is doing in the present, what actions
right now...that you need to stop her from doing?

Sorry I'm so DENSE.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp,
For your senile pal here, when you say "stop my Mum"...
can you explain a little more specifically,
"Stop my Mum from doing [action] __________"

I mean, I understand her pattern in the past was false
allegations about your mental health and maternal fitness,
and intruding into your son's medical files and history.
I think I get all that.

But what it is that she is doing in the present, what actions
right now...that you need to stop her from doing?

Sorry I'm so DENSE.

hugs
Hops

No not dense at all, Hops, it's too try and stop her from doing the same things again.  She's made some sort of allegation or intrusion more or less every year - sometimes more frequently - for about ten years.  My thinking was to try and get something in place to stop her from doing it again - potentially any group she finds out he's going to she can contact, any school, college, paediatrician etc etc.  So that was my line of thought, to try and find a way to make sure he is safe and she can't cause him any more problems.

But....................the more people I've spoken to about it and the more I've read up on that sort of thing the more I think the chances of it happening that way are slim.  I'm also wondering how much of it is my own unresolved anger/grief/fear about what she's done before and maybe even the fact that I've not been able to confront her, have it out with her in some way?  I'm aware, too, of my 'addiction' to stress and my tendency to keep myself busy in order to avoid looking too closely at the reality of my life.  So am I creating more work for myself for those reasons?  I don't know, but those are thoughts that are going round in my mind.

At the minute I am wavering towards trying for legal action re the medical negligence around my son's birth, which is a separate issue and not connected with any of that, and maybe just leaving the rest and consigning it to the past.  The more I think about it the more I feel it would be better for us for me to focus on the good things we have and building on our nice life instead of focusing on my mum and what she might/might not do.  There's such a shift in my energy levels when I do something that I really enjoy, I just feel so much happier and healthier.  And I don't enjoy anything to do with her.  I'm feeling that if I go after her, as it were, then I'm sort of inviting her back into my life and I've more or less got her completely out of it now (except for the moments when something triggers me or reminds me, but I guess that will go on for a while longer yet).

So yep, walking away from it feels like a better option at the moment, but luckily it's not something I have to decide at a set time or something that I can't change my mind about in the future.  I'm trying to be open to 'a higher power' making the decisions and following life where it takes me at the moment, trying to let go of the need to control.  I can't say it's easy!  But I'm trying.  And part of that means letting her float away to do what ever she does and me getting on with my life and being happy xx