Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Not rising to the occasion .....Help
sea storm:
I am not alarmed by god talk. God talk is much better than most talk. In AA and Al Anon there is plenty of god talk and people admit that life is hard and it is important to have faith in something higher than ourselves. It leads to humility and at the same time helps me not to feel alone.
My inner child does not like this big work trip. I have an really wacko customer who is raising cane. Some people are really problematic. They come out of the woodwork like creepy things and scare me. I am living on the assembly line. Like Lucy and Ethel stuffing chocolates. that was really funny and I will look at this as funny too someday. But not today.
Last night I wrote about past which is asserting itself and want to be remembered as if it has a life of its own. The mind is very tricky. Come to think of it I wrote about being in a storm but all things were in balance on the ship and with me. There was a lot going on but it was in sinc. I nearly said of course. I really don't like that phrase and cringe when people say that crisply because in my world there is no of course.
How weird that as I move forward the past wants its due. Poetic justice. So I wrote about what its like to be alone in a big wind in the middle of nowhere. There is no room for fear and no time for it. That in itself is what keeps things going. You just put fear away and it is courage for me.
I am not a worker bee. some people love to be busy but not me. Soon this will be over. at least it will be done on June 11 which is moving day. For some reason this is like pulling myself up by the hair, turning myself inside out and creating a new self. Letting go of the past dream, love, goals everything. Other people do this without a pause and I used to too. Flip the channel and away you go.
I am lucky that I am not like that.
I guess that is what makes a writer or painter. Can't just flip the channels.
Love to all you listeners and blessings too,
Sea
Hopalong:
I so understand, Sea.
For me (poet type) moving is agony.
No matter where I live, almost without exception, I bond to the specific location, that particular earth and shrub and light through window, as though it is my own sinew and bone. And when I must be uprooted I feel yanked screaming from the earth with fiery roots trailing from the bottoms of my feet that lash at my ankles as I go unwillingly, feeling the weight of a hundred anvils on my back, looking over my shoulder, and weeping.
And now it's two years on and...I love my new little house. I go by the old one sometimes, and all trace of the tug is gone. I am relieved. I am back in the present. I am living, and I am living here.
This will come for you too, Sea. And soon.
love
Hops
sea storm:
Ah I see you know how it is. Extremely good to know this. Dragging anvils, fiery roots. Yep.
Sea
lighter:
::Sigh::
Hops, you say it so well.
About an hour ago my youngest and I drove by our lovely little house that offered 3 years of shelter from the storm.
And it was sad. My youngest wanted to put more tape on a bush a bear had broken (she saved that bush, and it still stands), and peek at the furnishings the new people put in "our" house, and it was just so poignantly, achingly sad.
We can't go back there. That house holds a new baby, and another family who'll enjoy the mossy, forested backyard with places to have teaparties under canopies of low branched Northern coniphers..... they seemed so prehistoric and magical. They still do.
But on and up with new experiences, people and places, right?
Sea.....
just keep breathing. Keep moving.
This too shall pass.
Lighter
sea storm:
Thanks Lighter
Memories are hard to bear sometimes. Especially for someone like me who has a truckload of them. It is all quite metaphorical. I have dumped a truckload of momentoes, sent about 5 pickup loads to the dump, 5 caravan loads to second hand store, emptied a large garage full of stuff and another room full of stuff. Much of which I had not touched as it was from other lifetimes it seemed.
I am gradually letting go of the house and the river. I feel like I failed to hold onto it. I just didn't have the strength. I started the antique business to make money and I made about 1200 per month off a 35,000 dollar investment. It did keep things going until I sold the house after five years of it being on the market. I will be able to rest a bit after I move. With all this exercise I have gotten stronger and sleep regular hours now.
I am lucky I survived the psychopath. He was dangerous in so many ways. It drove me to the brink of suicide after he slandered me to everyone I knew. The lengths he went to were enough to spin my head around.The money fraud was about 150,000 and so the fact that I survived that enough to get a small house and be able to have anything is a marvel. Just surviving a character like that and being in his thrall. At work I was targeted by a narcissist and several people had a law suit going against her but there was a gag order so they didn't tell me. THey let me be slowly boiled in oil. I survived that. I would not be able to do it again. My health took a dive and I have been slowly building it up. So this house is the monument to all that. I can no longer be tied to it.
Along the way I have learned that stuff doesn't matter much. A house is not who i am or want to be, Better to travel light. Things will be different after I move. Change is not always horrifying. The PTSD just makes me think it is. False Evidence Appearing Real. So I move on even though I am scared because I have the faith that I am moving to a better place emotionally. I wish I didn't wake up in a cold sweat every morning. I will appreciate having nothing to do for awhile. Today I worked really hard and took a load to the secondhand store. Pretty soon everything will just go in the dumpster I rented for Tuesday.
This sounds like a lot of whining and snivelling to me. My inner critic is at full force these days. My inner child has just had it and wont do a thing and just pouts in the corner or cries.
I will have a lot more sympathy for people who are moving now. The whole time we were packing I listened to my helper's complaints about her lazy brother in law who doesn't pay rent and she can't get up the courage to get him to pay his share. Everyone seems to have a lot on their shoulders these days.
I hope everyone has time to rest and reflect and be alive in their senses.
Sea
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