Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Not rising to the occasion .....Help
Gaining Strength:
I celebrate that you were able to detach with love from your sister. It is as if she is drowning in her pain but if you go to save her she will drown you both. It is such a struggle to detach and watch. Our very being is primordially sacrificial but no good would come of it and in fact no lessening of pain. It took great courage to detach. I celebrate with you with those pancakes covered in fresh syrup gifted from the tree and berries gifted from the vine. I toast you with teas from the garden sweetened with the life giving bees viscous honey. Let's dance with clover chain crowns in the meadow and know that we must go down to the depths again before we make new strides.
I cannot imagine how difficult it is to observe the struggle your pregnant daughter is in but I love to focus on her strength in going to one who could name the truth of it. That is precisely the empowerment I was writing about. Empowerment comes from naming the truth and it is strengthened when others name it too. She is strong.
Hopalong:
Dear Sea of many extraordinary colors,
Well, this is one example. I finally sweated my way into my home office to face the grizzly bear who lives under my desk and shoves piles of scary mail and papers at me with one set of horrifying claws every time I open the door...and though she is currently napping under my new desk (big symbol, got rid of Nmother's desk and got my own that I love)...I smell her and hear her grumble in her sleep and if I type this too long she will take me out in ONE SWIPE...
Meaning: I'm supposed to be filing but got online again to email a list of electrical work I need a quote for to the electrician, but while I'm here, might as well see if anybody's emailed me (nope) and sure, there's VESMB, one of my favorite links, and I'll just check in, and there's your lovely invite to tell you about ADD and procrastination but if I stop and tell you I'll NEVER finish this filing, so I'm going to do it later.
Sigh.
Hypnosis did help. But I developed a crush on my hypno-T so need to find another (I'll only do it with a certified clinical hypnotherapist but I'm sure there are one or two others here).
ADD is like...people take those Myers-Briggs thingies, right? I am an ENohlookaBIRD!FP. It's hard to get through a damn thought, or more cripplingly, damn ACTION, before I'm down another Rabbithole of Delight.
Especially on the Internet.
So I've got to:
1) take my meds
2) just be as in-the-moment as I can possibly get myself to be, so I (almost beside myself) actually make headway.
I've realized my goal, honestly, has to be HEADWAY. Not completion.
Today, holding that thought...I'm feeling able to get back at it.
More next time....
love,
Hops
lighter:
Sea:
I used to sit out on the back porch, in the treetops, and really enjoy being there. Taking breaks, working on legal stuff, just scads of it, and somehow things were better on that swing.
Now, having lost a dear friend recently, I see those leaves, and I feel terrible loss and sadness. I hope it doesn't last. I just couldn't know that I'd be talking to her the last time on that porch swing, looking at the leaves, now I'm reminded sharply of her when I'm there.
I leave for the beach tomorrow, and hope the back porch means serenity and safety when I return.
Also, about moving, I wish I'd just sold all my furniture when I moved last. I think I would be lighter, and happier, and less burdened with things, and memories (that haunt just a little.)
If you can, consider paring down to a minimum, and as you say, making room for new things, if you care to have them. Nothing like clean, uncluttered sunny spaces to bring energy, and creativity, IME.
Lighter
ps Must remember to count my blessings.... my children did very well on State mandated test scores. I didn't realize I had anxiety until I read those scores, and a little sob welled up, and surprised me. It's been a bumpy year with an ill parent, much travel out of State, homeschooling for the first time, and all the legal turmoil to boot......
but we're surf'en real good. ::nodding::
sea storm:
It must seem odd. How can anyone take so long to downsize? Here's how. By having a history of manias. I went through the sari period where i dreamed of making lovely hats and lampshades out of saris. I thought it would be a much better way to live. Surrounded by gorgeous colours and brilliant textile art. I had about eight large bins of them. I had wonderful lamps, many of which needed work and lampshades to be recovered. ( GOOD GRIEF!). I had the period of living with the fisherman and all his stuff, enough for a tripple garage. Tons of jars some full and some not full of fish. Nets, rigging, gear, rainclothes, his clothes, boots. and paraphernalia.
I had the turn the house into a vacation rental phase where I bought the stuff for that. towels everythings and lots of it. That did not work out due to having a full time job too. so rented out the suite and had to store all that stuff. The working as a counsellor in the school system traveling all over the place. So all that research, papers, workshops. So its all these phases. And being creative and having art stuff and seeing the POTENTIAL in all of it and seeing it as archives of the past. Maybe this helps to make sense of it.
TODAY a 22 foot dumpster is coming. AMAzing. I have thrown most of it away. A lot of who I was is going too and good thing too.
I am very tired. I reached the end of my rope several days ago but kept on going. Now I can see the end. The guy with aspergers was really quiet yesterday and worked like a Trojan carrying boxes upstairs and into the yard. He has been such a blessing. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and felt like the wheels had come off. I prayed for help, Just prayed and prayed and finally went back to sleep. it is going to be ok. For the first time I feel that.
thank you for helping me. It was a huge support to me.
Lots of love,
Sea storm
sea storm:
Hops and all,
I went to the church people and asked for help. Today they came. A family of mom, dad and four kids. They filled up a twenty two foot dumpster with stuff to throw away. The dad cleaned the garage and through out the insulation that was the home of racoons etc.
It is going to be ok I think. The worst has been done with. I have to deal with paperwork tomorrow. Since acquiring PTSD I have a serious aversion to this.Praying helps. I just give it over. OVer and Over. Whatever that is it helps. This is too big for me. That is for sure. Just like soldiers almost always get god in the trenches. If they don't they need heroin. It is just the feeling of being humble against insurmountable odds. Saying it is too much and I let go of it. Into the great blue yonder. That is grace.
No amount of screaming and crying helps like that. admitting that I can't do it alone seems to make a huge difference and puts me in a place where I can accept help from others who miraculously show me what it is to be kind.
That is what happens here at voicelessness too. Admitting it is way too much and opening the door to kind strangers who can accept and understand.
I must admit that I am getting churchy. I find some things very comforting. I have found some very kind and brave people there too. Not ready to go the whole mile but it helps me a lot.
Sea
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