Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
I awoke in deep dispair today following a nightmare about being cheated and belittled and overpowered by my oldest brother and his wife. In the dream I arrived at my grandparents home with a fairly formidable female priest. My brother and sister-in-law had taken over the house, remodeled and refurnished it and turned it into a dining club is a residential neighborhood. None of which they had the right to do but which my sister in law had used her legal connections to work to her benefit.
As I saw what they had done I became unhinged and began ranting and raving, screaming, completely undone. I was powerless and out of control. The priest who had been a likely ally took the easy road. Put of by my behavior, She remained silent, perhaps switching allegiance.
The scenario of the dream mirrored many experiences in my life, MANY, in which I was duped, left out, or disempowered in some way and in my brokenness I reacted in a way that made things much worse for my - rendering my utterly powerless.
So when I awoke I was immediately in that horrific place where the dream ended. A place I lived because of the way I was treated life long. It lurks beneath the surface today but it came up to be processed. And the processing began immediately. Before I even got out of bed I turned on one of the meditations. In time I was able to renter the dream, not as myself, but as a person of authority and power and repossess the images.
This image is such a part of the underbelly of my life, the part that I am finally facing and healing. I needed the tools and understanding to do so. No doubt there is much work to be done with these images and I am ready.
Gaining Strength:
I am looking forward to the day when I am no longer hiding from this pain, numbing myself with distractions but able to take it head on. I believe the days are numbered and I am thankful. I am ready.
Gaining Strength:
I have unintentionally lived in this persona of the cowering child. I think I can use this same process I used with this dream to shift persona. This helps me understand why windows of functioning inevitably relapsed to the functioning of the cowering persona. The work with mindfulness can certainly help with this.
Gaining Strength:
As I am driving to meet another family at the museum I catch myself feeling the tension pinch my shoulder. I scan my being for what I'm doing wrong. I recognize that pinch as the physical reaction to my fathers criticism. This is the norm for me. But bit by bit I am learning how to transition out of fear/victim/avoidance into a persona of confidence/knowing/worth.
I have lived a life of fearing and feeling unworthy and being angry about it. But I needed to know how to get out of this place. Bit by bit the way is being revealed. Even in times of paralysis I am beginning to be able to sit wih it knowing that it neither defines me nor is a permanent state for me.
Gaining Strength:
Another nightmare. Too complex to write about but in the midst of it I heard Jon's voice say "four." And in an instance I knew that the nightmare existed vecause of judgement. Four is a number - not good, not bad, a number. When people around me shovel out judgement I can choose to accept it or not. My entire life I have accepted all judgement dished out. But this dream tells me there is another way. And with practice I can do this.
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