Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
I experienced a significant trigger today. I used the meditation to help me through it . It prevented me from escalating and shutting down. I still went into panic but it didn't escalate. I could step down from panic for seconds at a time but not for long. Still an improvement but even better thus experience helps me confirm what has been happening throughout my life AND that I am on the right track toward relief. This is good news.
Gaining Strength:
After hours of sitting on the edge, I finally got myself to do some chores. All of the old messages and shame poured down. I returned to my breath and meditation over and over. I watched the whole process operate around me and I saw how the shame is so much greater when I finish than when I start and greater still than when I am paralyzed.
Each time I make progress I want to claim my freedom but I have to wait and persevere be thankful for the hour I worked and look for opportunities to add on to it.
Gaining Strength:
When in recent months when I became aware of how much resentment had poisoned my life I was thinking it was in the past but daily I am becoming more aware of how it is still present. Allowing it to bubble up and become exposed is painful. Using Kabat-Zinn's meditations help relieve the tension and anxiety and fear.
This resentment is attached to everything the same way that anxiety has been. But worst of all it is attached to a brick which keeps me down. Resentment is attached to others success and huge success gone bust, all of which closes the door on my vision for my own success. This latter part is the most important reason for letting this stuff emerge and be exposed and healed.
Gaining Strength:
Doing these meditations provokes anxiety and so the practice puts me into something of the same cycle as anticipating doing chores. The remarkable insight is that I am able to do the meditations, though only briefly, and so the next step is to do chores, how ever briefly.
Gaining Strength:
Today's meditation and writings revealed that anticipatory anxiety is the most crippling. This knowledge may help turn the key, remembering that the action is not as crippling as the anticipation.
The anticipatory anxiety is a mirror of the double bind I was raised in. Awareness may be my passage to freedom. Why do I fear it do????
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