Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

The mindfulness meditations are opening up my awareness so that I can see that my reactions to the rejection of my parents and brothers generated a feeling, a feeling of rejection from which grew a state of powerlessness and resentment.  In that state I looked out waiting for help, validation, rescue.  In that state I brooded and my resentment grew and with the resentment came more rejection.  A truly vicious interplay.

Even as I have begun to see the choice of that state or one of hole and confidence, I am drawn to the one I know, the dark one, the destructive one.  Now it is my job to actively pursue the one of love and acceptance.  It seems to me like that of a person learning to walk again, where every bit of energy, determination and focus is required for those initially brief early sessions of therapy, resting and returning to the broken state for most of the day only to give it your all again later. 

Day after day, week after week, the body grows stronger and with meditatation the mind until that state become the default.  That is my path.  I see the possibility and I will persevere.

[Gaining Strength]

I have a very anxiety provoking event hanging over me.  This is the thing that pushes me to paralysis.  I am determined to keep focus elsewhere.  It takes me down a dark path and then I must pull myself out again, over and over again.

This is the only process I know that works.

[Gaining Strength]

I have to travel tomorrow.  I am flying across country and renting a car to go to two destinations in two days.  I made reservations on Travelocity.  I don't understand how to get my boarding pass.  I'm on hold for a long time.  I have rented a car but forgot to pick up my maps.  I cannot find my credit card.  I am leaving my child.

In the midst of this I am hit with an image of my father's face, filled with disgust and criticism, offering no help, only condemning remarks about my incompetinence and getting what I deserved.  I hear my mother whimpering in the background that she can't help me, doesn't know how.

My mother wasn't incompetent or maybe she was.  She went to Bryn Mawr and my father Princeton.  But they loved to leave me hanging and grind my face in the dirt when I struggled.  These memories come back to me in spades when I struggle, feel helpless and so all alone.  But I also have the voice from the guided meditations which evokes the opposite images.  I must redirect my focus.  Especially now.

[Gaining Strength]

Sometimes there come along threads that allow me to feel connected to others here, to know we have similar stories, to see that we speak a similar language unfamiliar to most. While I wish no one understood I am simultaneously grateful that others do. It helps me understand and process even more.

[Gaining Strength]

It took me a long time  to learn that my "paralysis" is an anxiety induced state of avoidance. Had I understood this 40 years ago my life would have been totally different. But I need to focus on whats ahead for me.  Now I know what I'm dealing with.  So far this winter I have found that the mindfulness meditations have put a foundation underneath me, given me something solid to stand on.  It is time to both ramp up my mindfulness work and ramp up my self-care concerning sleep, exercise and nutrition.  Third step, get to work -- literally. 

So thankful to be on a path upward at long last. Resist the temptation to look back with regret.  No time to waste doing that.

[Hopalong]

How did the trip go, ((((GS))))?

love
Hops

[lighter]

Gaining Strength?

How are you doing?

Lighter

[Ales2]

Hi GS - I hope you are feeling better. The mindfulness meditation is very helpful. Have you tried the emotional override tool that we went back and forth on last year? Has that been helpful for you?  Its been working very well for me.

For some reason your last posts really resonated with me and its one of those times where I wish our connection via this board could be in person... you sound like you need a hug too. 

All the best to you,  Ales2