N communication dynamic to be aware of

[Ales2]

Hi GS  Thanks for your comments. Glad this thread was helpful.

We are not alone, but of course, abusers like to make us feel like we are. While I recognize its not nice to gossip about others behind their back and there is good reason to obey this golden rule, I dont think that includes situations of abuse. Abusers like to isolate us and use things like "family business is for family only" and "mind your own business" and "keep it to yourself" etc to maintain that control and create isolation and crazymaking. Ive always said Im just here to learn and that usually works for me.

 

[Gaining Strength]

I agree Ales2. Isolation is a way to keep the abuser safe but it wreaks havoc on the abused. I'm glad we have this place to share and find commonality in very uncommon treatment.

[Ales2]

Another dynamic - I bet this one is common here on this board.

Ive always said my NMom's #1 problem is she doesn't listen (see my thread from the weekend) so when I asked if she was listening and she wanted me to call back, I ended the conversation. Keep in mind I have probably told my NMother 100 times over the years "you dont listen/you dont understand" so I am reluctant to explain it again as she has had more than enough second chances. If she doesnt hear me the first time, her loss, I no longer repeat myself with her.

Here is what I just learned this week.  I repeat myself. EVERYDAY. To friends, therapists, co-workers, basically any poor soul that has had to listen to me. This is the unconscious conditioned result of not being listened to as a child, teenager and young adult. When I repeat myself, I sound selfish, I dont allow for a response, and when I say things a second time, I unintentionally offend the listener. They now think that I am condescending, dont have patience or assume they are dumb. I just discovered it this week while making cold calls to people I want to work with and establish business relationships. It became obvious to me that I needed to shorten my message, pause and wait for them to ask a question, not to fill the gap by repeating myself.  This is a vital communication cue that I grew up without and probably overcompensated for!

This is a huge discovery!  

[Hopalong]

Wow.
That IS huge, Ales.

And it helps me see one of my own habits in a compassionate light.

Thank you so much for sharing this.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

What a great revelation Ales2. Change is so quick when the scales fall from our eyes. How I wish we could will it for all of our issues. So glad for you.