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carry on up the Khyber

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sea storm:
Yes, It is moving day or the start of it.  i got out of bed although I wanted to stay there. Isabella and cardinal example of a together funny beautiful teen who helps in the Japanese antiques business arrived and we worked all day and went to see the new old house together. It is pretty cute and vintage 1948 with not much updating. This suits me fine. I find updating mostly boring and depressing and cookie cutter. All 400 items in store packed up.
There were four dogs in the house I am moving into so getting ancients carpets cleaned. Arranged for movers, packers, dumping furniture left behind by old owner ie couch and chair etc. His wife died and he went to Equador so one has to cut him some slack.  It is cool downstairs which is nice. Also large patio completely covered with grapearbour.

Most people seem to feel worse than I do about leaving the river. The river is changing and getting more boaters. Scenery isn't everything and i am sick of the upkeep and pretty much unable to maintain this. I think I will like being a porch monkey.
I don't have enough energy for all this but somehow it is coming together.  People don't show up and then someone else is available. i was kind of over the edge this morning and so was Isabella. She is getting married and is sooooo getting married and having a big wedding and planning and all. So it was a bit of the collision of the Titans. We went out for a salad and sat in the park and now all is well.

So far so good. The painter seems to be having a nervous breakdown. The good part is that I am not taking this personally.

So oh wise and dear ones. I am signing off and having a cup of tea while the young workers continue on into the evening. The other place needs shelves and cleaning. Cripes. This has been a bigger project than building a house.  i am sick of big projects. It is ok not to justify one;s existence.

I hope you all have great big red geraniums in your windows. I hope you have a window. I hope you are happy enough to give a poop about a geranium.

Laughing a bit manically,

Sea

sea storm:
I have been feeling scared and overwhelmed. I can't hire professionals to help me move as I can't afford it. Yesterday, I worked with a guy with Asperger's who smoked pot. He was ok before smoking the pot but we nearly got into a car accident after that. HE was sposed to paint the living room which was dark green so i got the paint and left him to it.  Two hours later I went to the house to see how it went and he left the doors open and a big hot light on and he had gone. No painting. I called him later and he said he went home to spend a few hours with his dog. To de- stress I guess.
I have a large yard here and I cleaned that up. I emptied the garage. i emptied the basement and the carport and it was a mountain of stuff. All my fault too.
I am buried under this mountain of stuff. There is a 22 ft long dumpster in the yard. it is 8 feet high and filled with stuff. I am old and decrepid for this kind of work and feel worn out. I have hired people who I can find who can work for less and it is a bit crazy.  For some reason they end up being very bossy and controlling. Other people just do the job well and it is not problematic.

As I write this I am thinking I should just give up and take everything with me. It will be a job to stuff it all in but I am kind of afraid I will not make it though this without getting extremely irritable, lost and depressed. I already feel that way.  I am alone in this and from time to time ask for help but don't want to anymore. No one can help with all this for nothing. Maybe a good friend but they all have a lot to do themselves.

I really need encouragement. i think I will sleep. It seems I have pathetically little energy. This is such a dirge. I am ashamed of myself for being so full of self pity.

S.

Hopalong:
you will make it, Sea!

Breaaaaaaaaaaaaathe...........sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Once this is over you won't care one BIT whether the hired folks were snippy or bossy.
I promise.

But when it's over I can promise, too, that you'll be SO SORRY if you haul it all with you.

Give yourself a chance. You are exhausted.
And that makes it very very hard to deal with strangers and changes and purges.

But this is an enormous gift to yourself, to move without all that baggage.

Keep on keeping on but STOP every hour for a break. Walk and stretch and
look at the sky. The sky is going to be there when you move.
It's here now and will be there DURING.

STOP every hour and check in with the sky.

REST.

EAT.

DRINK WATER.

Don't expect yourself to be charming or sanguine but just know...
everything you dump, you don't have to deal with later.

When you are at your endpoint of what you can tolerate in all this,
then you are there. And you can stop whenever you want to,
and also take whatever you want to.

You have the choice, and you are going to be okay.

It's a hell of a marathon...and it's hardest when you can see the finish line.

Don't be afraid to make a choice, whatever it is...that supports you.

(I reached a point in a Walmart parking lot where I just about snapped,
realizing I could not tolerate making one single more decision. I was
moved in, but fixating on a curtain rod. I just quit. In that moment,
I decided--this is all I can do for now. So for a year, I avoided the
next steps. And it was fine...so instead of just thinking I know what
I'm talking about (about the stuff)--you trust your own inner voice.)

But I do know what I'm talking about when I say,
you're going to be okay.

love
Hops

sea storm:
Oh it is so comforting to read your kind words. Breathing.

Praying

Watching a deer slowly dance across the yard.

Listen to the wild doves.

Sleep

Get guy with Aspergers to do simple things that aren't too much for him.  He is very kind.

It is so good to share my life with a friend. Thank you, Hops.

Sea

sea storm:
I can't even describe how awful this moving day or one of two moving days has gone.

The moving truck had been hired for Monday at eight thirty am. I started calling the girl whose fiance was supposed to move me with his friend. So hired truck and three strong young people.  Sunday at eight she finally returned my call and said that the two guys couldn't make it. I just about fell through the floor.  I have to vacate this house on Wednesday. Her attitude was the worst part. She said in an offhand way. Oh they took another job. Whaaaaaat???????  When I said quite calmly that this is really awful she said she had a headache and had to go.  She and her friends had been at a jamboree for three days and she was really thrilled with it. Jehovah witnesses.
An hour later she called and said that the guys could come at six thirty at night and bring a trailer and we could move all the stuff in several trips and save money.  Again, this is idiotic.  THere is a full household and garage full of stuff to move. This would take about fifteen trips. Plus my antiques from my shop.
I still had hired a large truck. All the while she was acting like I was problematic and annoying.  I was really trying not to get furious. I was furious inside.
I was frigging left stranded and the other people are moving in.  It is a wonder I didn't have a heart attack.

I called everyone I could think of to see if they knew someone who could do it. Everyone said they would get back to me. Some did and some never did. I felt like an idiot. Finally a friend said to call my realtor and he recommended a guy. All this required waiting hours.
I had to find another person to help with the house and getting stuff reading for the movers and cleaning.

Finally Monday and I had two Phillipino men who were so efficient and did a mountain of work and another lady and a friend and we all worked hard for eight hours.Meanwhile the tenant had left her cats in the hallway downstairs and they had not been using their kitty litter so I knocked on her door and asked politely if she could clean up the puddles of uring  etc. She came out in a rage and said she couldn't do it right now. So I cleaned that up. Then she came out and wanted me to move stuff she was throwing out to the dumpster I hired. I just thougtht that this some kind of crazy moon bad moon mumbo jumbo going on.  I told her I would not fight with her. She kept trying.  One Philipino man gave me the eye and he had seen plenty in his life and he just let me know not to take the bait. Nice of him.

A mover was miraculously found. This is pretty unheard of. Who calls a mover the day before moving.  Oh yes, The christian people came while I was out getting boxes and going to the doctor. They had shown up without telling me they were coming. They assumed the moving truck was still coming. They left when they didn't see the moving truck. I had cancelled the moving truck but still had to pay fifty dollars which is chicken feed in all this fiasco. They were ANNoyed the truck wasn't there. Of course I cancelled the truck when I didn't have the guys to help with the move. I called to ask if Isabella was coming to help which I doubted but she had sent an email saying she was coming.  When she didn't show by eleven thirty I called her and her dad answered and told me that the place was a mess and dirty.  Good grief are you kidding me I thougth. By now I just thought they were all nuts. They didn't see the truck and the house was dirty.  The house wasn't dirty. He was downloading some weird shame thing on me as an excuse for the inexcusable behaviour.  I thought when they were going to help that it was a godsend. Watch out for godsends.

I just keep working as hard as I can. The Philipino guys show up in coveralls with dollies and a good attitude and great work ethic. Hanele shows up and organizes and does an amazing job. So while many people stranded and abandoned me in this, others came through. It is my own fault somehow.  Luckily, I had the money to handle all this so far.

I feel like i am going to freak out but I can't right now. Bless the people who helped yesterday. It was all too much. One philipino man was very strange and he is the one coming back today as the other nice guy couldn't come. He wanted time and a half and lunch hour and wanted to know if this was going to be steady work. He didn't have a clue for some reason. Who knows????

I woke up a three am. Am writing this to calm down. Lucky I slept. This is a nightmare. It keeps rolling around and has its own destiny and I have to keep leaping for solutions and beavering madly to keep up with all the changes. So far I have pulled several rabbits out of the hat. This reminds me of when I went up North in the boat. The bad part. Breakdowns and a crazy deckhand. Just me and him in the middle of nowhere. This reminds me of every other time I felt out of control .

Oh yes and getting shamed for having a dirty? house.  What the f... ?

Obviously the job was beyond the young Christians but the way the fiance handled it was scarey. He was such an oily little liar. He said that he had not committed to the job and Isabella made a mistake. I was there when she called him two weeks ago and he agreed. It It is very likely that they all decided well before Sunday night that it was not going to happen.  Isabellas dad said she was not going to do it and she was very upset as if I had upset her.  I think God wants to show me how much I have grown. There is so much entitlement and rationalizing what they did that it blows my mind.  I can see it for what it is. They bailed out. That is ok but not the night before. There was friendship and commitment with those people but I can't see that working in the future. It is nothing short of miraculous that it came together. I have a wise friend who said that they would try to shame me rather than take responsibility and that is what they did. Well holy cow. I can hardly believe it. The perfect storm.

Today is day two. The professional movers are coming. I hope they can do it all today. I hope this ends.  I hope it ends well. Broken trust, lost friends, Lost helper in antique business, lost faith in people there. Other bonds came. Won't have the money to visist my daughter after she has her baby in July.  maybe another miracle will happen.  This has cost a lot. Emergency help does cost a lot. I am trying to believe that I am ok and this is not my fault and I deserve it. I am so worn out.

Sea storm

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